The Word Cloud

Please can you take the time to read this chapter and tell me your views.

There was once an orphanage located within a small town named Cravelville. It was a small peaceful town, where nothing remotely exciting ever happened. The townspeople were mostly kind and welcoming and the town was surrounded by a vast, seemingly endless forest and the orphanage could be found, (not that anyone would want to find it) right on the outskirts on the town, very close to the forest itself.

The houses of Cravelville were well kept, their windows sparkled and their gardens were filled with many varieties of wondrous plants and wildlife. The orphanage however, was isolated from the other buildings, hidden away as if it were a disgrace to the town itself. The bricks were as black as charcoal and the windows were grey with dirt. The garden was overgrown and lifeless except for the mice that scurried in and out of the building and above the front door was a crooked sign on which a set of almost illegible words that read: Mrs. Pinlush’s Home for Orphans.Mrs. Pinlush was a most fearsome woman. Her skin was tight and her ageing face was heavily wrinkled. She was a quick-tempered woman and even the bravest of people trembled at the sights and sounds of her constant rages at the orphans.

There were two people in particular, that Mrs. Pinlush deeply despised. They were the two eldest orphans in her home. One of these was a sixteen-year-old girl named Mina. She would have been a beautiful young woman, but the dirt and grime that came from being part of the working class and an orphan shrouded her features. Her hair was long and a dark shade of brown and her eyes were soft, kindly and a light brown colour.

The other person that Mrs. Pinlush despised was yet another orphan that lived in her orphanage. His name was William. He too was sixteen years of age and the same grime of being an orphan shrouded his appearance. He had hair that was as black as the charcoal coloured bricks of the house and his eyes were an emerald green colour.

Both Mina and William had been raised in the orphanage since birth and had always been close friends. They shared a room together that was partition by a rather thin piece of plasterboard. William’s room was to the left and Mina’s room was at the right.

Every morning was the same in the orphanage. Mrs. Pinlush would rudely awaken everybody with her loud booming voice.

"GET OUT OF BED!" she would yell in her masculine sort of tone. "Breakfast in five minutes!"

She was a precise woman and each of the orphans knew that if they were not ready in five minutes then they would miss out on breakfast completely.

Mrs. Pinlush stampeded along the corridor and Mina could hear her fists pounding on the bedroom door, followed by her ear splitting yells. Once Mrs. Pinlush’s screeching was over, Mina slipped out of her bed and quickly made her bed.

She could hear William groaning as he too, got out of his bed.

"Good Morning." Mina called as she put on her clothes.

"Is it?" replied William.

"Of course," Mina replied heartily. "We’re working at Mr. and Mrs. Cropfield’s today."

"Oh," returned William sounding a little more cheery. "I forgot about that."

"Don’t let Mrs. Pinlush hear you say that."

Mina looked at herself in the mirror and took out a brush and began to wrestle with the thousands of knots in her hair while William, fully dressed, headed for the door.

"I’ll see you downstairs Mina!" She heard William called.

"Okay." Mina returned.

She heard the bedroom door open and close again as she continued to brush her hair. Mina kept looking at her clock keeping track of the time and once four minutes had passed she looked at her still scraggily hair and decided to head down for breakfast; but not before stashing the brush and a rusty mirror away in her pocket.

Mina arrived in the small, dingy dining room where she sat beside William. There were also two others sat opposite them. The first was a small, pale skin girl with curly blond hair and the other was a boy, who was slightly older, a little less pale and had strawberry blond hair.

They waved at Mina as she bade them good morning and the boy looked as though he was about to say something to her, but when Mrs. Pinlush came in with two bowls of sloppy oatmeal he stopped dead and looked down at his shoes.

Mrs. Pinlush slammed the oatmeal in front of the younger two and they picked up their spoons…

"PUT THOSE DOWN!" she yelled.

Mrs. Pinlush smacked both of them on the back of the head.

"Wait until the others have received their oatmeal!"

Mrs. Pinlush stomped out of the room and returned a moment later, carrying with her, two more bowls of oatmeal.

"Begin!" she said shrilly and they each began to eat, with the exception of William who asked.

"Excuse me Mrs Pinlush?" he said nervously.

"What is it?" snapped Mrs. Pinlush.

"Where are Rose and Charlie?"

Mrs. Pinlush went slightly red.

"That is none of your business now is it?"

"No miss."

"Well then, eat."

William picked up his spoon and began shovelling the sloppy oatmeal into his mouth. Mrs. Pinlush watched them for a while and then she left again leaving the four of them alone.

"Do you two know where Rose and Charlie are?" Mina heard William asked after they heard Mrs. Pinlush’s footsteps ascending the staircase.

"Edward knows where they are." said the little girl with a timid smile on her face. "Go on, tell them Ed!"

Edward smiled and leaned forwards, as did Mina and William.

"Somebody came for them this morning," he whispered.

"Who was it?" Mina asked.

"It was Mr. Brawford."

The girl squealed.

Mina and William leaned back.

"Why did you do that?" Mina asked.

"Because Mr. Brawford is evil." replied Edward. "Isn’t that right Sarah?"

The little girl named Sarah nodded several times.

"Evil!" exclaimed Mina. "I worked for him a few years ago; he was such a kind man to me."

"Of course he was." said Sarah in a whisper. "He wants you to think that but you’ll never guess what he does when the sun goes down."

"What?" said Mina.

Rose didn’t reply.

"Go on! Tell them Sarah!" Edward spoke excitedly. He was almost falling of the edge of his chair.

"He beats people up!" Sarah said dramatically.

William laughed but Mina felt rather irritated.

"So what if he has a fight with someone?" she said flatly. "He was probably drunk and had a row with a friend, he’s not a violent man Mr Crampearl. Besides you two always make up stories, I don’t believe you!"

"It’s true!" Edward shouted. "Sarah and I saw him fighting with someone in the streets! It’s true you know! And you know what else? He had a knife in his hand, he did!"

"What ever you…" Mina began but a sudden blow to the head stopped her.

"Ouch!"

Mina turned around and saw Mrs. Pinlush stood behind her, her face like a beetroot and her eyes were squinty and suspicious.

"SILENCE!" her commanding voice echoed throughout the room. "You two! (She pointed at Edward and Sarah) Get in your rooms now! As for you two! Get to work!"

Mrs. Pinlush smacked each of them around the head once more and then left followed closely by Sarah and William who were both rubbing the place where Mrs. Pinlush had hit them.

"Cow!" William muttered.

"Don’t say that William!" Mina replied. "After all, she has let us stay here after all these years."

"Yes, but that was only because the mayors told her to though." William returned. "If she had her way, we’d all be in the work house like those children in London!"

Mina nodded.

"I suppose so." Mina replied and with that, they both went into the hallway to take their coats.

"We’re leaving Mrs. Pinlush!" Mina called into the air.

"Go!" Mrs. Pinlush returned harshly.

Mina put on her dark red coat that was ripped and badly sewn in places just like the grey Jacket that William was wearing.

William opened the door for Mina and he followed her out into the overgrown garden and onto the cobbled street.

As they made their way briskly into the town, Mina took out the mirror and hairbrush from her pocket and began to tackle her hair.

"I didn’t have time this morning." she told William as he watched her pull the knots from her hair with the brush.

It wasn’t until they were in the centre of Cravelville that Mina put away her brush, partly because people were staring disapprovingly at her, even more than they usually did because: ‘after all, they are common orphans.’ That was the opinion of many of the people in the town, especially the wealthiest people.

The town centre was a large circular place with a stone fountain the middle with a huge man stood in the middle of it. He wore a long cloak and had hair than ran past his shoulders. In his hand he was holding a long pointed sword and on its very tip, water from the fountain protruded from it.

Mina eyed the statue as she walked past with admiration for the man even though she had no idea who he was but nevertheless, she had always admired him.

"Over here Mina!"

Mina looked up and saw William nodding over to a large shop that was to the left of them.

Mina ran to catch up with William as he stepped close to a shop named: Cropfield’s Antiques. The antique shop was the exact opposite to Mrs. Pinlush’s home for orphans. At the front of it were panes of crystal clear glass so that the passers by could peek in at the many exotic and fancy antiques that were inside the warm comfortable shop.

"We’d better go around the back." said Mina who could not see Mr. or Mrs. Cropfield anywhere in sight.

"I think you’re right." William replied and the two of them walked to the back of the house where they found the back door slightly ajar.

Mina knocked anxiously on the door.

"Mr Cropfield sir!" she called. "It is Mina! Are you here? Mrs. Cropfield!"

There was a moment of silence and then, ever so suddenly a loud cheerful voice replied.

"Were in the cellar! Come on down!"

Mina and William obliged and went inside.

The floor was covered in a scarlet rug that lay neatly along the hall until the end of it, where the rug was crumpled and folded over to reveal a hatch that was open in on the wooden floor.

Mina looked rather surprised by this. She glanced at William, who did not look as surprised as she and so Mina asked.

"Have you been down there before?"

William looked at her and nodded.

"Only once," he said. "I helped Mr. Cropfield carry pieces of some African ornament down there."

"What does he use it for?" Mina inquired, ever more curious.

"It’s storage for the valuable antiques that might get stolen.

"Oh,"

Mina moved forwards towards the hatch when a large, bald man popped out from the hatch making her jump. Mina gave a yelp with fright and stepped back.

"Oh, did I give you a scare my dear?" he chortled. "I’m ever so sorry."

"That’s alright Mr. Cropfield sir." Mina returned regaining her breath.

Mr. Cropfield beamed at her and there was a silence that lasted several moments before a short, plump woman with light blond hair entered the corridor carrying with her, a plate of freshly baked pies.

"Hullo William, hullo, Mina!" she said cheerfully as she approached them. "What do you think of these? (She showed them the pies). Made ‘em fresh this morning."

Mina could smell the fresh pastry and meaty filling and it made her tongue tingle.

"They look really good Mrs. Cropfield." said Mina.

"They really do." William agreed.

Mrs. Cropfield smiled.

"Now then," said Mrs. Cropfield. "Mina, you can help William and Mr. Cropfield for now and I will be back shortly, I just need to pop out to the market."

"Hurry back now dear!" Mr. Cropfield called to her as she handed the pies to Mina and headed out of the back door, closing it behind her.

Mr. Cropfield sighed.

"Well then," he was still speaking in the same jolly tone. "You two had better come on down then hadn’t you?"

Mr. Cropfield went back down the hatch and the two of them followed. Mina descended the ladders first and once her feet came into contact with the hard stone floor, she took a look around.

It was a rather large square room with shelves and shelves of tools and parts of antiques that had been dissembled. There was also a large glass cabinet filled with several priceless looking ornaments made of silver and some of gold with jewels embedded in them.

"They’re fascinating aren’t they?" Mr. Cropfield said as he saw Mina eyeing in amazement at them. One object in particular seemed to have taken her eye.

It was a compass made entirely of gold and on the top of it was a crest with three emeralds each at the point of a silver triangle and from the top point of the triangle was a line made entirely of a blue jewels.

"What you looking at?"

Mina spun round and saw William looking over her shoulder.

"That compass." Mina said, pointing to the compass that lay neatly in the cabinet. "It’s amazing."

Mr. Cropfield had heard them and had now come across the room to the cabinet.

"It is an amazing little thing isn’t it?" he said. "Ella and I got in for three shillings down at the market in London. The bloke who sold it us must have thought it was false or something."

Mina looked at the compass as it glittered.

"Is it?" she asked.

"Is it what?" Mr. Cropfield asked rather irritably.

"Is it made of real gold and jewels?"

Mr. Cropfield squinted at the object for a moment.

"Well I haven’t really had time to look but the gold looks real to me, not sure about the jewels though. I swear there’s something odd about ‘em."

Mina was about to ask what but Mr. Cropfield spoke first.

"Very well then." he said quickly. "William, I need you to help me carry these up into the store and Mina, could you stay by the till and greet any customers until Ella comes back."

"See you at lunchtime Mina." said William as Mr. Cropfield handed him two rather hideous looking wooden carved statue heads.

William and Mr. Cropfield clambered up the ladders leaving Mina alone in the cellar. She took another glance at the gleaming compass before ascending the stairs once more and making her way into the antiques shop to find it empty except for Mr. Cropfield and William who came in and out with a variety of things that Mina was too deep in thought to think about.

As the day went on Mina stood by the cash register, only leaving once to help a young woman by the name of Hilda find a present for her mothers birthday.

Once Mrs. Cropfield returned she took over the till while Mina was left to polish the antiques and make sure they were all in good condition. She stopped cleaning only when Mrs. Cropfield handed her a pie for her lunch and to occasionally to look out into the bright sky longing to be outside with it.

Mina worked until five in the evening and at the end she and William sat at Mr. and Mrs. Cropfields’ dining room table were they were each given one guinea each for there weeks work.

"Are you sure you can afford to give us that much?" said Mina, completely shocked. "I mean, that’s more than William and I get in a month if we’re lucky."

William nodded in agreement and both Mr. and Mrs. Pinlush grinned at them.

"Well, you know I went in to town earlier." Mrs. Cropfield spoke as though she seemed to be on the verge of bursting with joy. "Well they wanted to see that compass of ours, you know, the gold one. They said it was an heirloom and gave us ten guineas to see it! Ten guineas! Just to see it!"

Mina was amazed by this news. Of all the things that the Cropfields’ found who would have though that they would ever discover an item of great worth.

"Thank you very much!" said William. "We might actually be able to cheer Mrs. Pinlush up with this!"

Mr. Cropfield chuckled.

"Well then off with you both, we shall see you both tomorrow." he said merrily.

"Goodbye." said both Mina and William. "And thank you again."

They waved after they had put on their coats and began to leave the back door of the antiques shop and enter the darkening outdoors.

Mina still couldn’t contain her excitement over what had just happened.

"Two guineas!" she said as they entered the town square where the statue of the man hovered over them.

"I know." said William. "But don’t you think we should keep a guinea, for ourselves I mean."

Mina was outraged at this thought.

"No!" she snapped. "We couldn’t do that you fool! After all Mrs. Cropfield has done for us we can’t steal from her!"

"But it won’t be stealing!" William replied quickly. "We earned the money, so it’s ours isn’t it?"

"I’m not doing it William!" Mina said forcefully. "If she finds out she’ll throw us on the streets."

They did not speak to one another for the rest of their journey home, although as they drew closer to the orphanage Mina secretly admitted to herself that it was a good idea for them to keep the money, but she kept the thought to herself.

The two of them reached the gate of the orphanage and once they were stood outside of the door Mina heard a tremendous crashing sound coming from within the orphanage.

"What on earth was that?" William whispered to Mina.

"I think Pinlush is in a rage again." Mina replied nervously.

"Well, at least we got extra money today." William said in an unbelievably positive voice. "Maybe that’ll cheer her up."

They stepped forwards and opened the door.

"YOU THIEVING LITTLE DEVIL!" Mina heard Mrs. Pinlush screams coming from above them.

"I think she’s upstairs." Said Mina nervously.

"Do you really think we should disturb her?" William asked uneasily glancing at the ceiling above their heads.

Mina nodded firmly and they began to creep up the staircase.

"I was going to buy you a present honest! I wanted to surprise you!" a boy’s voice squealed.

"LIAR! I OUGHT TO THROW YOU OUT TO THE MURDERERS AND FIENDS AND THE COLD YOU THIEF!" Mrs. Pinlush continued to yell yet Mina and William reluctantly followed her yells.

"I swear it was for present!" the boy’s voice squealed right as Mina and William stepped in the doorway of a tiny room with a little bed inside and a crate used as a wardrobe in the corner.

Mrs. Pinlush was hovering over a boy who was only a year younger than Mina however, as he coward in the corner beneath Mrs. Pinlush he seemed to look about ten years of age.

Mina and William exchanged looks of fear as Mrs. Pinlush struck the boy with her hands.

"Say something!" Mina whispered William.

"What?"

"Just stop her hitting Charlie will you?"

"I OUGHT TO GO TO THE LAW YOU DEVIL! YOU…"

William cleared his throat loudly and Mrs. Pinlush ceased from her yells and looked around for the one who had interrupted her.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" she yelled, her face was flaming red and she spat as she spoke.

"I-I," William stammered. "I wanted to give you this weeks pay."

Mrs. Pinlush’s face became a slightly more relaxed and she strode away from Charlie and held out her bony left hand and William.

Mina watched William take out the guinea from his pocket.

Mrs. Pinlush’s narrow eyes became unnaturally wide as snatched the guinea from William’s hand.

"Is there more?" she asked greedily glaring at Mina’s pockets.

Mina moved to her pocket and hesitated for a moment. She looked across the room at Charlie who was now standing in the corner of the room. She imaged Mrs. Pinlush beating her for stealing the guinea and she felt a shiver run down her spine.

Mina took the second guinea from her pocket and held it in front of Mrs. Pinlush who immediately took the guinea from her.

"You see this!" she said in a dreary sort of voice turning to Charlie, although her eyes were still transfixed to the two guineas.

"Yes ma’am." muttered Charlie.

It took Mrs. Pinlush several seconds to notice that Charlie had spoken and upon noticing this she continued to speak in her strange calm voice.

"You stole two shillings from me boy. But look, these two finally earn something in their worthless lives and yet, they do not steal, no. Do you know why they don’t steal boy?"

Charlie shook his head.

"They do not steal because they know their place, as should you, and as reward for their honesty, the two of you may have a slice of Mr. Lanstock’s apple pie in the morning."

‘Apple pie would be a good reward if anyone but Mr. Lanstock made it.’ Mina thought to herself.

Mr. Lanstock was the cook at the orphanage however, due to an accident at a factory he had once worked in, Mr. Lanstock had lost the ability to taste weak flavoured foods and this affected his cooking judgments greatly.

Mina thought back to the time when he had put at least three of the strongest spices in the kitchen in their soup and everyone had been gasping for water for the rest of the day and they were not forbidden to drink any as Mrs. Pinlush thought they were being childish.However, Mina did not say anything and she glanced at William who shared her disappointed expression.

"Thank you Mrs. Pinlush." Mina heard William say through clenched teeth. "It is the best reward you could have thought of I’m sure."

"Thank you William." said Mrs. Pinlush, failing to notice the sarcasm in William’s voice. She then turned to Mina with a look of expecting on her face.

"Oh, right thank you." said Mina quickly saving herself before Mrs. Pinlush went on another rage.

"Leave now." Mrs. Pinlush pointed to the door as she spoke. "It is time you ready yourselves for bed."

"Goodnight Mrs. Pinlush!" said both Mina and William.

They received no reply as Mrs. Pinlush had turned back to Charlie and continued to shout at him, only in a much quieter tone than before.

William and Mina did not speak to one another until they had reached their partitioned bedroom. Mina invited William into her side of the room and the two of them sat on her bed.

"I knew we should have kept that guinea!" grunted William with a look of frustration on his face.

"I agree with you." Mina returned much to William’s surprise.

"You agree." William was shocked. "Then why didn’t you keep it."

Mina thought for a moment before answering.

"Well, I was going to tell her that we only got one guinea, but then I thought of what would happen if we got caught and I panicked. I’m sorry."

"It’s fine." returned William softly. "I suppose it’s for the best anyway, I would have done the same if I thought what you thought."

Mina felt a huge surge of relief wash over her.

"Really?"

William nodded.

"Really." he returned. "Anyway, I’m going to go to bed, I’m tired. Goodnight Mina."

"Good night William."

Mina watched William leave her half of the room and disappear behind the wall into his own.

She put on her nightgown and she lay between her ragged blankets and her wooden-like mattress and fell into an uneasy sleep…

Josh, I started to red this before realising that it's a very long post, so will just comment of the opeing chapters.

Story seems very promising first of all. Your spelling and grammer are pretty good too. So comments on a few minor things are that you describe Mrs. Pinlush as having both tight yet wrinkled skin. I would re-think this descrption as being one or the other.

You also repeat yourself when describing the two people she despises most. You tell me they are the two eldest orphans, then again in the following paragraph you describe William as yet another orphan. You don't need to re-emphasise this.
If I have a spare hour I will read the rest soon!

Geri x