The Word Cloud

Minus One.

The sorry and cliché’s all been said

Getting used to a still scented bed

Household chores, children have been fed

Reading the stories mummy once read

Avoiding the question, creating fun

Is there a heaven? Time for the school-run

Correcting grammar, eating sticky buns

Lunch-boxes, orange, banana, and plum

Shopping for the family, minus one

Quality or Quantity, either one

Turn off the radio, favourite song

Mummy, perhaps, doesn’t like that one

The table set, although not complete

Sadness surrounds the empty seat

School clothes are off, and please fold them neat

Loneliness is bold, they enter sleep

The cycle goes on, not always so smooth

Wedding to arrange, down-sizing, a move

Grandchildren soon and wallpaper to choose

The speech, to amuse, a daughter to lose

The family grows bigger, minus one

Careers, prospects, for each one

Turn on the radio, favourite song

Mummy, perhaps, didn’t like that one.

Hi there,
I think this is really moving actually. I like the tone and the way you handle the idea of dealing with a loss, but with life going on. I really like the simplicity of this too, and that you've attempted to write a poem that has meter and rhyme. I think in a couple of lines, the metrics didn't quite work. You're trying for iambic tetrameter, right? I know it's awfully hard, and I really hesitate to tinker with something where you're aiming for absolutely clarity and perfection, however what about the following for the first stanza:
The sorries and cliches have all been said,
There's no getting used to an empty bed,
Household chores, children to be fed,
Reading the stories Mummy once read.
And I think there are a couple of other lines that need to be tweaked to make the rhythm work.
Good luck with it,
Vero

Hello 7th Son,

What the power comes from is line length, rhythm, uncomplicated words/delivery, emotional impact. It's a little cracker. And the fact that all the lines do not rhyme adds to the power/impact.

I agree that some of the lines clunk a bit, although once those are sorted it will enhance what is already a gem.

Greyowl59 (Charles)

Vero,

Thanks for your comments.

I'm glad the piece had an affect, a story told in very brief snap-shots.

keep smiling...

Hi Greyowl59,

Thanks again for spending your time looking at my stuff. A big thanks for your comments above:


Keep smiling...