Just Starting out - Advice appreciated

Tue, Sep 12 2017 11:12pm IST 1
healeymonster1
healeymonster1
51 Posts
I like that a lot. The pace of the action was good. I still think that the exposition at the very start was still a bit 'shoved in' it feels like you are in such a rush to get to the meeting bit that the lead up is a bit 'yeah yeah whatever'. It's only two scentences that do it. The 'friends since' one (first paragraph) and the 'fiance's uncle' one (third one). I don't know why but I hate them being there. Maybe you could have done it through dialogue, then I could stay immersed in Xaviers world. I really like the charachters, they have tons of personality, and the dialogue felt very natural. I felt like they were real people by the end of it. Goodjob.
Also it was a bit mean of you to stop there right on that question mark. WinkTongue out
Fri, Sep 15 2017 08:26pm IST 2
Groggy
Groggy
51 Posts
I'm guessing 'don't take this piss' should be 'the', rather than his boss being possessive.

Still loving this and would genuinely be interested in the whole thing. Dialogue is king, but L has made some excellent points.

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