The Word Cloud

LOVE AND INTENSITY - Chaper 3: Rediscovery of Writing (Her)


‘I told Jamie after number three that if I was to fall pregnant again then I would jump on a train to Paris to spend a few days with you, and a hell of a lot of money in the shops in St Germain.’ Rose grinned as I took the leather case from her hand and guided her towards the car.

‘Good for you. And how are the kids?’

‘They’re all great, excited too about having a little brother or sister. How are you? Met the man of your life yet?’

‘No, I haven’t. I think he’s held up somewhere,’ I answered. ‘Possibly in a major traffic jam on the M25 started back in 1994.’

‘You’re in Paris for God’s sake; the place is humming with superb males. Get out a bit more and you’ll meet them all. Then all you need to do is choose.’

‘First of all, there are not that many and then there is the problem that most of them are French.’

‘What’s wrong with that?’

‘Well, I just always thought I’d prefer to meet an English guy. I don’t know why.’

‘So what have you been doing in France for the last 19 years then?’ laughed Rose.

‘Because I’m a writer.’ I smiled at Rose, knowing that I could joke with her. She knew how much I enjoyed writing and also how little faith I held in the belief my writing would be appreciated one day.

‘What are you working on at the moment?’ Rose asked as I threw the case into the boot of the car.

‘The Willow Basket. Almost finished it too. Well the first draft, that is, but you know me, I never finish anything.’

‘Then make a point of seeing this one through to the end. Go for it if this is what you really want. Get it finished and then go on one of those writing courses or websites to learn more about editing. Just do it!’

I stood there with the car keys jangling in my hand and stared at the girl that I had known almost all my life. Although she had finished talking and was now waiting to get inside the car, her words were still ringing in my ears. It hit me straight in the heart. She was right. I knew she was. For the first time in my life I realised that if writing was what really made me happy then that is precisely what I should be concentrating on. I decided to do as she said and this time I wasn’t going to give up. Love may have decided to desert me in this life but at least I had my love for writing and so write is what I would do. I grinned like I had never grinned before and jumped behind the wheel of the car. We set off for home, my head already full of plot ideas to finish my Willow Basket. For the first time I recognised that this was the right path for me. I felt almost happy.

maryluv:

Ooh, I can feel a romantic meeting of two literary minds lurking in the horizon. Off to his again. It's keeping my attention.

I liked the conversation in this episode. Good. In contrast the last para. was a bit staid. It might work better if Rose kept interrupting her thoughts with inconsequential chatter to which she had to reply before continuing her plotting and planning, just to break it up a bit.
Also it would be nice to 'see' a little of the location: "Emerging from the high, stone facade of the Gard du Nord we negotiated our way past about fifty Vespas all parked together as though attending some Italian scooter convention..." - something like that, in your own style.
Do feel free to ignore my suggestions, won't you? Write on.

G'day,

The dialogue and building possibilities are alluring, and the prospect of the woman following her dream, coming up with the commitment... The mention of romance is likely to hook the reader.

This needs some background, where are the people, what is going on, when is this. It does not require a huge amount of expository description, just enough so that the story hangs somewhere and is not happening in thin air. With it grounded people will be able to relate to it better, I reckon.

The interaction is OK, although as my training in theatre and screen writing has enlightened me, the dialogue does need tightening. General editing required, and the last para is fog in particular.

The story works, and will be enhanced by making it more tight.

For me, 1 and 2 in the present tense grated, because it does my head in (my problem not the author's). Like this section it also needed editing and some minimal description of location.

Greyowl59 (Charles)

Tony - Like the suggestion with Rose interrupting, and the example text you offer. We'll have a good look at the last paragraph, especially as both you and Greyowl agree that it is weak.

Greyowl - With your contribution here adding to other comments calling for extra background detail in the setting, it's something we can't ignore. Tightening (especially in dialogue) is something ongoing through all editing phases as we strive for improvement.

The reference to chapters 1&2 in the present tense is a particularly important comment: this was an experiment for us to see if the whole thing worked better in the present. We're of the opinion it simply won't, and I suspect further opinion from others will concur with you. At the moment we're 90% certain we'll remove the trigger to switch to past tense at the end of chaper 2, and edit the whole lot back to past tense as we initially began with.

Many thanks to both of you for your considered observations. They are a great help,
Aiyla & Steve.