Opening chapter to new WIP. Some adult content

Mon, Nov 13 2017 11:53am GMT 1
Chico
Chico
192 Posts

Chapter 1

It was the kind of bizarre coincidence you might find in a cheap thriller, but it was real, and it was happening to Frank.

Frank just wanted to fish, drink beer, maybe get laid now and then. He wanted to mind his own fucking business and leave that shit where it belonged - in the past.

I'll decide who to shoot first just as soon as I remember where the fuck I stashed my gun, he thought. Frank drained his beer, nodded to the barman and headed out into airborne drizzle coming off the sea.

***

They had met in the White Hart, supposedly one of the best gastro-pubs in West Wales according to Joe. Frank had resisted at first.

"Women are just a complication, Joe, nah, I'll pass mate."

"Frank, Frank, she's great, an you'll be doing me a favour. Celia has a thing about it, she made me promise, see. Look, just come along, meet her, you never know. Anyway, when's the last time your dick had an outing eh? Maybe you'll get a shag out of it."

"If I want a shag, I just go an buy one, simple innit. I don't need the grief man." But Joe was right it had been a while. There had been the inexhaustible Carrie. She was a well built sporty type with a lean hard body. Frank had been evicted from the B&B when her mother, who owned the place, came into the room to clean one morning to find her daughter riding him like a rodeo horse. And yes, at times when the porn no longer did it, he had availed himself of Rowena, who for twenty quid would suck his cock. He had declined her offer of a fuck for another tenner. What the hell, may as well take a look. The series he had been watching on TV had just finished anyway.

Joe was the only person in this town that Frank had got to know at all. It had been Joe who had given him Rowena's number in fact. He owned the fishing tackle shop on the seafront. He ran it with his wife Celia, a sturdy blonde with big tits and a lascivious smile. It seemed to Frank that she had been disappointed when he and Joe had started hanging out and going out on Franks boat and stuff. So in place of having him herself, and he was sure that was what she had initially wanted, she was determined, somehow, to seduce him by other means and so had set him up with a girlfriend of hers who had come to stay with them.

"So Frank, this is Megan." She drawled in her strong local accent, looking at him as if she could eat him.

Megan was cute he decided, small with soft red curls. The tight red dress showed off her neat body well. He liked small women. Not that he had a 'type' or anything but small women turned him on. He wondered if he had mentioned that to Joe after a few too many beers out on the boat.

"Megan." Frank nodded in greeting, she giggled as they headed for a table towards the back. The girl went ahead, her little arse like two plums wrapped in a red handkerchief.

Celia was her normal ebullient, loud self. How Joe put up with her is a fucking mystery, great for a drunken shag sure, all kinds of fun. But to live with? Shit, no way.

"You're on FaceBook Frank," Celia squeaked randomly between courses.

"No, I'm not, I don't even have a computer," he lied. He did have one but only used it to do a bit of online shopping and watch a bit of porn now and then.

"Yes you are, look." She thrust a telephone at him. There was a picture of a windswept old couple standing on the promenade.

"Fucks that got to do with me?"

"Someone found a camera card in town and posted this on here to try and find the owner."

Frank looked at Joe and shrugged his shoulders. "Your missus is losing it mate, think she's had too much wine."

"No silly, look there you are, coming out of the bookies." Celia thrust the phone forward again.

Frank took the phone and reluctantly put his glasses on, he didn't want to, felt they made him look older. Sure enough there he was in the background coming out of the betting shop, clear as day.

"Shared," announced Megan. "Ahh hope they find it. Probably here on holiday or something, poor luvs."

Frank's eyes rolled up. Fuck, last thing I need is my mug all over the fucking web.

"So Megan, what brings you to this part of the world?" he asked, dismissing his moment of concern about the picture as silly. Odds of anyone seeing that must be a million to one.

"Divorce actually. Though I'm from here originally”—no shit, thought Frank, hearing her accent—“but got whisked away five years back by a lad.” She paused to allow a flicker of sadness to pass across her pretty face. “But now I'm free." She raised her glass, drained it and unleashed a smile that crinkled her hazel eyes. Frank nodded and smiled back, liking her now, imagining her little body against his.

They finished their meal and headed out. There was a warm breeze blowing out to sea. The tide was going out and the coloured lights reflected on the wet sand giving the place a festive look. Frank liked the seedy atmosphere of this seafront with its imposing, tall Victorian houses that now sported themselves as B&B's. Like grand old ladies forced to work for a living.

"Shall we walk for a bit?" suggested Megan taking Franks arm and tugging him across the road toward cast iron railings that ran along the front.

"Sure," he said shuffling across after her, assuming Celia and Joe were following. He looked over his shoulder to see them still outside the pub. Celia had a grin on her face and gave him a wave.

Megan shivered, so Frank took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders.

"Thank you," she said dragging the 'you' out for longer than needed. “Such a gentleman.”

Frank put his arm around her. He dropped an experimental hand to her bum and she didn't object. He let it linger there before bringing it up to rest on her waist. Pulling her close. She felt like a little bird next to him.

"Do you like boats?" he asked.

He held her waist as he guided her along gangway that lead to his boat and home.

"Hold the rails, it can get a bit slippy."

"So, what do you do Mr Frank?" Asked the girl after they had finished. Her pale small body looking fragile in the dull light.

"Oh, I took early retirement. Got enough to buy this"—he slapped the wooden post in the tiny cabin—"and I do some fishing trips, take people out. I read a lot now."

"Retired from what?"

"Working," he said heavily and reached for her, rolled her onto her front, placed his hand under her hips. lifted her sweet little arse up toward him and made her gasp.

***

The next morning he had taken Megan out on the boat. The little Cummins diesel pushed them along the sparkling coast for a few miles before Frank dropped anchor. Looking at her laying there on the little foredeck wearing just her knickers, he thought, he could get used to having her around. She was fun they had chatted away into last night, fuelled by the little bit of grass they had smoked. She telling him about her family here in Wales and some about her schooldays. She had made him laugh out loud at times. A rare thing, he missed that. A woman who it was easy to be with, who didn't need reassurance all the time like his ex-wife in London. She had started reading random passages out of some of the books lying around the cabin, putting on voices.

"The whole edifice sat in huge leafy grounds the outskirts of the village Kincardine, to the northern side of the Firth of Forth, almost equidistant between Glasgow and Edinburgh." Her Scottish accent squeaky and rather poor as she read from an Ian Rankin novel. She threw that aside and plucked another from the pile, it was Le Carré

"There's a tin pavilion on Hampstead Heath. Ten minutes walk from east heath road." For this she put on her best posh English accent, it was hysterical.

She was pretty, joyous and sexy, he liked her a lot.

The sun was kind to them. They sat on the small deck and ate the Mackerel he'd caught on a line played out from the back. He used one of those disposable barbecues to cook them. They had some bread to mop up with. They shared an apple for dessert and drank lager out of tin mugs.

Megan had made one or two more attempts to discover what Franks job was, so he spun out the prepared story, the same one he had told Joe and Celia, and anyone else that needed to be placated. People appear to need this. The idea of just knowing the way someone was now, without the history, seemed to make people uncomfortable.

"Security, I ran a security firm in London. Basically, I rented out big blokes to be bouncers, that sort of thing. Did security for a few shows now and then. The firm did well I built it up from nothing. Sold it in the end, got bored sitting in an office talking to people on the phone all day. Like I say made enough to buy Moonbeam here"— he patted the wall of the cabin—"and buy the odd pint. I make a few quid taking fishermen out and selling my own catches to the local restaurant trade sometimes.

"Were you a bouncer then, you know when you started out?"

"Yeah, I did a bit, at the beginning sure." This much was true anyway, he had, till he met Ally.

Tue, Nov 14 2017 11:49am GMT 2
Mat
Mat
12 Posts
Hi Chico, I enjoyed reading your story. I'd cut out the first paragraph and [just]get down to business.

Well-written...how to criticise?

I liked the geezerish banter and perspective, would have immersed into a sexy boat scene with his 'cute little thing' if you had provided one. At least she was wearing her knickers on the deck, which was nice to see.

The only road I can take with crit is that the fella is a bit of a caricature, I'm awaiting his special forces/drug dealer's back story - which I reckon lots of people will enjoy, so stay strong with your vision, rather than notions of subverting the 'type' which would be tempting: I'd be surprised if he ran a Transformations' type shop for cross-dressers, or had fallen foul of Polari networks, eh maybe?

SO, I suppose polish his empathy so guys like me, everymen, root for him more readily, if I can say that. Balance his gruff nature with some compassion, or make him an unreliable narrator, and actually the bad guy...

Just ideas, it's a sound/sincere write, nice one.
Tue, Nov 14 2017 12:19pm GMT 3
Chico
Chico
192 Posts
Thanks Matt. Frank does have a backstory and I will bring it in. I have polished this chapter a bit. I did wonder if there was too much sex too soon. Maybe I should tone it down a bit. It occurred to me to spin out the seduction of Megan for a bit, rather than them have sex on the first date so-to-speak.
Tue, Nov 14 2017 12:51pm GMT 4
Mat
Mat
12 Posts
Nah, keep him ruthless and horny. I think it's an appealing scenario - I've written a couple of one man and his boat mystery openers - unfinished always, tch.
Wed, Nov 15 2017 02:13pm GMT 5
healeymonster1
healeymonster1
51 Posts
I agree with Matt on the wooing front. The narrative was very 'Blokey' to start off but we do see a sensitive side too later which is good.
I can't critique the technique for several reasons. The main one is that I was enjoying it so much that I forgot I was supposed to find flaws. XD
It is very good imo.


Wed, Nov 15 2017 05:58pm GMT 6
BellaM
BellaM
2349 Posts
I like the blokey voice - it's good. Sex on the first date seems true to character, so leave it in. (As the actress said to the bishop...)

It gets a bit telly towards the end, though. Megan's curiosity about his job would be better shown, I think, plus his reaction to it. That would pique my curiosity more. I also think you could perhaps make a bit more of him being on Facebook. I get the impression that may be important later, in which case just a tiny bit more emotion from Frank would be in order. The reaction as written seems authentic, but a bit of a prickle of the neck just to indicate that this has got under his skin might not go amiss. Unless I am barking up the wrong tree, of course.
Wed, Nov 15 2017 07:01pm GMT 7
Chico
Chico
192 Posts
I have a slightly more polished version of this. The one above is a first draft. I am adding more. I get what you mean about the Facebook thing. More will be made of that soon. I really need to find a title for this.
Thu, Nov 16 2017 10:15am GMT 8
Chico
Chico
192 Posts
I am going to post some more of this in a new thread. The working title is Moonbeam


Thu, Nov 16 2017 11:18am GMT 9
Chico
Chico
192 Posts
I shall have to give up on posting on here the software is just too old.
Thu, Nov 16 2017 11:29am GMT 10
Chico
Chico
192 Posts
Finally managed to the next bit posted. I had to delete the previous one which sadly meant losing some valuable feedback, no offence. I have acted on it though and trimmed what I shall now be calling Moonbeam. as a working title
Thu, Nov 16 2017 02:54pm GMT 11
fudgetusk
fudgetusk
25 Posts
Enjoyed reading it. Very well written and the characters felt real.
Thu, Nov 16 2017 03:21pm GMT 12
Chico
Chico
192 Posts
Enjoyed reading it. Very well written and the characters felt real.

Thanks. I have posted the next bit under the heading Moonbeam, love to hear what you think.

Fri, Nov 17 2017 01:52pm GMT 13
Benjamin86
Benjamin86
78 Posts
Yeah really impressed by that, Chico; you a have a writing style that is effortless to follow – you know how some books are a real drag to read, and it’s almost a chore to get the words off the page and I to your imagination? Well yours is the opposite of that – I could imagine it all very clearly, as if I was watching a movie. So no real critique for your writing style.

Story wise too it was great, my only comment is thatI think it was (and I can’t believe I of all people am saying this!) is that there was a little too much swearing and references to genitals, porn, sex etc at the start. I think you could probably halve the amount of such references and we would still get, as readers, that Frank is a horny bastard. I myself use quite a lot of swearing in dialogue but I think sometimes less is a bit more. The F word, fantastic as it is, does become impotent after repeated use!

I’m about to read your second instalment now, looking forward to it!
Fri, Nov 17 2017 02:07pm GMT 14
Chico
Chico
192 Posts
Thanks Benjamin86

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