The Word Cloud

Here are 2 poems I wrote, 23.39 being the first and 10.07 being it's follow up. I would love some feedback on my poetry skills.

23.39

Another draping day dwells away
And the land is dark and cold, I see my world through a small glass window where weeds strive to grow.
Another thinking night begins it's other chapter and I hope I'll get things right in life.
I've had that chance to be someone I could not be but chose myself instead, I had that choice between two poles and picked out the one I knew best.
Tomorrow brings new gifts of emotions And harmonies with a new ocean.
A change of scenery will rest my weary mind from all the images I thought were left behind.
It's been nearly a month, a month of what happened and still I have not forgotten.
It's been nearly 3 years since we first met and the hardest day will come, Until then I'll play a drum
And hope for a rhytm clear as a heart beat beating in perfect motion
Tomorrow I'll see another ocean.
A change of scenery will rest my mind from a previous life I left behind.
My cup is now empty it will be that way for some time until another words out a rhyme and fills it up again,
But that will be a while yet there are things that I must do for myself
and not for you.

10.07

The metal tracks littered with pebbles
and rocks,
I'm sitting on a moving tube waiting for my next
stop,
The journey has begun both in my mind and in life.
For a week I will forget my worries
and set sights on a different ocean keeping
me in constant motion with no notion to what
weather waits.
This change of scenery will change my energy to
flow in a different space,
I will leave behind rat race of constant struggle
10 till 4 always more
hours upon hours
till I can't take the stress and tests and figures
with names and numbers.
23.39 a time that seems so long ago
now its 10.07 seconds will pass then it will be
10.11 then what after that?
I swig a drink of sugary coke and smile as I smoke a fag,
This journey makes me feel fufilled like
travellers of old,
I only have to drag my feet and let my mind fold and wander and think
More drink.
Beautiful women walk on by and charity folk shuffle about,
my eyes follow them both inside but I'm not devout.
No money in my pocket no means to live I must wait two days to
recieve my wage, until then I can relax and
watch the waves roll back.
Green trees and yellow fields,
meandering canals and pockets of lakes roll on past in my train
as it shakes and rocks gentle...can't sleep in this mess...

It's 13.50 I'm still drifting to that place
where situations will be different,
Towers of metal attached by wires fly by in an open field,
I can see the beauty of life through my small glass window.
I can see the spoils of man with every fence strung along by
barb wire,
I begin to tire.
Deep thoughts and music flood my brain
It's becoming hard to sustain.

Hi D.M.

I'm not a poetry maven, so what I have to offer are just my general impressions. Take what you want and leave the rest.

First, I was born back in the stone age. Structured poetry was all the rage. When I read rhyme, my mind wants to put it all in order somehow. I read this several times. The first time, I went huh? Then ahhh. This would be better listened to, than read, rap yes? In my day it was called the beat. In that context, I looked for meter and it made more sense.

I enjoyed the stream of consciousness, and mental imagery of 10.07, 23.39 seemed more a reflective piece. I didn't get a sense of urban, or edginess in the writing. I'm not sure what to do with the numbers.

Writing is a growth process, more is always revealed. Thanks for sharing this, and good luck.

You have two good concepts here but this is more prose than poetry. Now it's time to cut, cut, cut - anything that is obvious and redundant. Find your themes, give us specifics and concrete images - show don't tell.

for example:

'Beautiful women walk on by and charity folk shuffle about,'

Who are these people? Let the reader see them.

'I swig a drink of sugary coke'

we know Coke is suggary. We know if you swig you are drinking.

I can see you have attempted to apply poetic conventions such as rhyme and alliteration.
Is the first poem also on the Tube? it's unclear where the person is.

With introsepctive poems coming up with concrete imagery that mirrors how the person feels is always a challenge. The referenced to the ocean seem out of place.

Remember, the title can do some work too. The right title can let the reader into the poem and save you having to spell certain things out. It could be called, for example: The eleven o'clock tube from Blackfriars to Monument. that would let the reader know straight away where you are.