The Word Cloud

In a dark corner of the Sub-zero Nightclub is a door of ancient oak, set in a frame of grotesquely-carven granite. There is a bronze dragon's-head knocker: "DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!"

At the third knock, the door groans open, unleashing a blast of noxious music and foetid air. Rough, damp steps descend into darkness . . .

Welcome to the Pit, where Death Metal drowns out the sounds of esoteric, frenzied pleasures and strange, unearthly figures lurk in the deep shadows . . .

Care to join me?

I'm in. Although I'm not the blonde you were hoping for.

Tonight's cabaret act:

Marion: Welcome to the Pit, dude. Take a seat (just brush the slugs off).

Can I get you a drink? Have a look at the cocktails menu *wipes something unspeakable off the menu*, ah ,here we are. I think you'd like this one: 'Having your teef smashed in by a big stinky fist'. Recommended by T Pratchett, no less!

Thank you! Um ... my bumsy is sticking to the seat. Is that normal?

Ew, I don't like the sound of that drink. Can I have a bloody Mary with real blood please?

Mary's out at the moment, but you can have a bloody Valerie. What do you think of the band? All their instruments are made from human body parts. I reckon their Spleenophone player is a genius!

Oh just make me a purple headed warrior then, dammit.

I LOVE the band. Body parts are my all time favourite instruments. And I just love the sound of that heart.

What are those bongos made from?

The bongos are made from people's bums.

Nice to see you in here Steve. It's fairly laid back tonight, but it's not always like this. We had a party of shoggoths in last night, it took hours to hose the place down afterwards. And you can never completely get rid of those stains. "As a foulness shall ye know them" - too right!

Hehehe - oooh, I'm having such fun here ... bongos! Well, I can't imagine what they'd be made from. Steel?

Our messages crossed, Wrath. I'm so glad you explained. I was thinking of something else.

BTW, the loo is over there if you need it, but keep one hand on your modesty while you squeeze past the Hobgoblins - they lack decorum.

Is that where my underwear went to? I was wondering what became of them...

And I know it's late and all but will there be supper?

Unless the slugs ate them.

Anyway, let me show you around. We have a Hellgate in the far corner, for all the demons, vampires etc. In the other corner there's a dimensional anomaly; that's not supposed to be there, bloody shoggoths again. They're a bugger for that sort of thing. We don't have a 'Nookie Closet', but over there behind the statue of Bel-Shamharoth is the Spawning Pool. It's quite hygenic: we change the mud every second Tuesday.

Oh, I see you've finished your drink. Can I get you another one?

I'm thinking eyeballs on a skewer with brain juice sauce on the side.

Supper? Of course! What would you like me to kill for you?

Dang, will you stop replying at the same time as me?

Bloody hell! You've just done it again!

That damn Dimensional anomaly is scrambling our conversation! Guess we'll have to learn to live with it.

That strings player who just slit open the drummer's stomach and started plucking his guts is very talented, but the drummer hasn't missed a beat. Now that's a band.

My tastes only used to stretch as far as The Sisters of Mercey, but I'm really getting my teeth stuck into this.

Yes, I'd like another drink. Something more exotic this time if you don't mind. Tapeworms in wee-wee sounds nice.

He hasn't missed a beat but someone's missing a head. Oh wait. It's on my plate. Wrathnar! I said eyeballs, not head.

In profile pic terms, I feel somewhat inappropriately attired for this venue.

Some sort of hat would be in order...

It's one of our most popular drinks!

If you don't fancy a full meal, we have a excellent range of bar snacks: Barbecued snark's brains, Crispy spiders, Curried archbishop's testicles . . .