The Word Cloud

This little piece I decided to call "The fury of John Casey" as Beau and Dari have just had their asses kicked at BAN, and so Dari needs healing.

*
The only thing I can remember clearly, is the combined feeling of sea sickness and being winded – as if someone had punched me in the stomach. On a boat. The lighter fluid had seeped into my eyes and my vision was gummy, my limbs slack and my painful and battered body was in a total contrast with the joy of new blood. Beau carried me to the car as I mumbled an indecipherable threat about his driving. “Yes I am.” He replied shortly. “You’re in no fit state to.”
“Hmmph.” He manoeuvred me flat on the back seat and buckled me in as best as he could.
“I can’t take you to a hospital; I’ll take you to George.”
*
We were back in the City after what felt like a three hour journey and I had a sneaking suspicion that Beau had driven my car recklessly, but I was in too much pain to really care. We screeched to a halt outside Denver’s and immediately George was at the door.
“What did you do?” He cried, helping to lift me out as my vision cleared. “What happened?”
Beau began to explain but George took me in his arms wordlessly and carried me into the bar.
“Everyone out!” He yelled in his booming voice, with blatant fury. “Out! Now!” People sat at the bar slid off their stools and left without a word; nobody challenged George.
“Jesus Dari,” he said to me quietly, “how do you get into these situations?” He laid me out gently on the polished bar and used a stack of napkins to prop up my head.
“You can’t heal her there!” Beau called from the door frowning, but George cut him off with a look.
“I am going to do whatever I can with whatever I’ve got.” He snarled, “It’d take too long to carry her upstairs. If you have nothing constructive to say, then get the hell out of my bar. You caused this.” Beau clearly had nothing constructive to say, he turned on his heel and left.
“You still with me?” George asked, clearing away the now congealing fluid from my face as I nodded weakly. He turned me onto my side into the recovery position as. I felt like shit. “Just stay with me Monster and we’ll get you better. We need John.” Vampires were excellent healers, but the added kick of your Master’s blood always helped.
Georgie turned to the bar’s phone and I struggled to sit up. He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Lie down,” he mouthed, but I shook my head and straightened my back.
I was sat on the bar, with my legs dangling over the end, drinking shots of Jack Daniels, when John burst through the door.
“Christ Dari how do you get into these situations?” He came to stand along side me, placing a hand to my forehead – a futile gesture and I was half expecting him to take my pulse as well.
“I didn’t expect them to know we were coming.” I said finally, my throat warm from the Jack, “I expected them to be quiet little church people, not whacked out killers.” I coughed as George poured me another shot.
“Thanks Georgie.” My vision was a lot clearer, but the gash in my stomach was still bleeding quite heavily. I was grateful that both George and John were experienced Vampires, any young bloods would’ve gone for me straight away – vampire blood was just as addictive as human blood, just less nutritious.
“Let’s do this quickly then.” John said, taking off his leather jacket and tossing it behind the bar. He unbuttoned the sleeve of his white shirt, dragging the fabric clear of his wrist, before sinking his fangs straight through. I winced. Being a vamp for seven years hadn’t made me any less squeamish.

Blood began to dribble down his hand and drip onto the dark tiles.
“Stop bleeding on my floor!” George said leaning over the bar to inspect the mess, dish towel at the ready.
John gave him a crooked smile and then looked to me. “Alright then kiddo. Get drinking.”
I raised my glass to him, downed a final shot and reached for his arm. My eyes caught his and he knew exactly what I wanted to say. Thank you.
He gave me a slight nod as my hands grasped his arm and I slowly pulled him towards me, fangs extended.
My tongue touched his blood first, immediately reacting to the sweet fluid that I began to gulp down. Drinking blood is like drinking cool pineapple juice when you are thirsty. My senses would sharpen and my wound would heal in a couple of minutes; the reaction wasn’t instantaneous.
After a few minutes George took me by the shoulder and shocked me back into reality, it was time to stop. I released my grip somewhat reluctantly and John looked like he needed a glass of something strong.
“You didn’t have to stop me.” I said to George, hopping down off the bar.
“I know, but John certainly wouldn’t have.” John quickly looked down at his feet before shaking his hands and jumping up and down to wake himself back up; sufficed to say drinking a vamp’s blood was a good feeling.
I poured us all a drink and signalled for everyone to sit down as I handed out the glasses.
“Cheers,” I said, “to being alive.” George shot a side look at John and I bit my lip, realising my mistake. He stood back from the bar and left without a word, slamming the door behind him. I smacked myself in the forehead but didn’t even try to stop him.
“Shit.”
George pushed aside his empty glass and grabbed the bottle, lifting it to a distracted toast, “to dead vampires.”

I feel like I'm missing something between the fight scene and this. Weren't they kicking ass by the end of the fight? Also, just out of interest, is there any particular reason George has to be a vampire? You know, if possible it would be nice to have more human characters, that's all.

Thankyou Mr Fish, you definitely pointed out things I wouldn't have noticed! Time to get editing :)

Hey Liss, I am starting to wonder what this book will be called, even though I do like the spew titles!

I enjoyed this bit as much as the rest and wouldn't mention anything that Mr Fish hasn't already...other than, I thought it was a shame Beau left without a last comment, they had just been fighting together and he drove a long way to get her to George to save her. A sarcastic mutter on the way out the door might be good here, just a thought. Also not sure you need the...On a boat sentence...at the start. This kind of stuck out to me.

I liked this little extra in the scene:
He came to stand along side me, placing a hand to my forehead – a futile gesture and I was half expecting him to take my pulse as well.

I thought this was a good sentence too, you sense the speed of the action, it flows well:
“Let’s do this quickly then.” John said, taking off his leather jacket and tossing it behind the bar. He unbuttoned the sleeve of his white shirt, dragging the fabric clear of his wrist, before sinking his fangs straight through.

Good stuff Gels :)

Thankyou for reading!

I know I've also become quite fond of Spew hahah, but it wouldn't mean anything to anyone but us! ;) xxxx

I like this piece. You are obviously relaxed with your characters. It looks like you have had some pretty useful feedback straight off, and I can't really add to it. There are a couple of very small points that tripped me up though: at the beginning you used 'gummy' to describe vision. It's a nice word for eyes, but I found myself wondering what gummy vision could possibly be like. I assume you are aiming at an impression of gummy eyes and blurred (dimmed, restricted) vision - but this doesn't quite do it: for me, anyway.

At the end you have 'George shot a side look at John and I bit my lip, realising my mistake. He stood back from the bar and left without a word, slamming the door behind him.' I wondered for a moment 'who' left without a word. OK, it's cleared up a few lines later, but it (briefly) kicked me out of the story, which was a pity because I was into it at that point.

Hi

...nice.

But still - the character's supposed to be woozy and injured and starved for blood? She doesn't seem that woozy when she's narrating.

Either she's woozy and badly injured or she's not.

If it's me... let's make her woozy. Gaps. Stammmmerings. False bits. Symbols. Glimpses.

Grist to the mill. Having a woozy narration is carte blanche for a bit of Magic Impressionism!

You want fries with that?

Engrossed as ever! great writing and great story.

I agree with what has been mentioned earlier about the change in how serious Dari's condition is.

When George says “It’d take too long to carry her upstairs" it gives me the impression that something has to be done immediately, but after this it just seems a bit less urgent.

Apart from that I can't find anything wrong with it. Keep up the good work and let me know when the next instalment is posted. I find myself addicted to this book and will certainly buy it when you get published!!

Hahah Jdodd you are a sweetie, "when" I get published - pah!

It's lovely you go out of your way to read it, I am eternally grateful :) xxxx

No problem. You take the time to read mine and I return the favour (Although I think reading Spew is more for me now because I'm addicted ha ha)

Addiction is bad! To rehab with you!


;) xxxx

I'll go when i've finished reading =D

Hello Liss. Not quite as sharp as the previous excerpt from your story, in my opinion. You could start "You're in no fit state to drive" which might be a brighter introduction to the piece. I'd also concur with leper's suggestions for introducing more wooziness. I like the idea of vampires having masters - is this your doing or a common tradition in the vampire world? I'll look forward to learning more about your alternative world.

Thankyou Mr B for excellent suggestions! I will amend immediately, and no, Masters are entirely the product of my somewhat twisted mind.


:) xxxxxxx

Others have already covered edit points, so I'm just gonna say that I find the sheer exuberance of your writing infectious, and would be very surprised if you didn't eventually become a successful published author. I say 'eventually', cos I've found out myself that writing is one thing, getting published is a whole other mountain to climb. Good luck with your spew!

hi Liss, not much more to add then others have done- apart from- keep the boat sentence in- it's totally Dari's sense of humour! And a boring grammer point that I've mentioned before-never write 'was sat' unless someone sat her there. Use 'was sitting'.

That's though hun- I so love this character. xx

Oh thankyou so much! Really helpful :) xx