The Word Cloud

I have a structural problem with my book and I can't decide the way to go. In a nutshell I'll tell you what is happening:

My MC Laura has hypnotherapy for a minor phobia and undergoes regression therapy. She starts to bring back troubling childhood memories, but then she also starts to recall things that couldn't possibly be her memories. The therapist believes she may be recalling a past life. However, (and now I'm giving away the secret, the mystery in the book) the memories are actually those of a past hypnotherapy patient who was murdered. Laura starts to recall more and more troubling memories and becomes convinced that she was murdered. Under hypnosis she keeps seeing the face of the man who murdered her. She also sees apparitions of a dark haired woman when she is not under hynosis and these freak her out. To top it off, when her sister brings her new boyfriend home, she realises he is the man in her 'memories', the murderer. You get the idea...

Anyway, to my question. I originally opened with the murder as a hook, and then shifted 6 months in time to begin Laura's story. I decided to take this opening chapter out because I felt it was giving the secret away to the reader and the book had lost its mystery. However, in doing that, I lost my hook and the story is a bit slow starting. I have had a couple of comments saying it starts a bit slowly, so now I've replaced the first chapter.

So what is best? Initial impact or mystery? I guess that even though I am giving the secret away to the reader I am also creating tension by telling them what is at stake? I would appreciate your opinions on this crutial decision. Thanks, Chinch

That is a difficult one...my instinct would be to build up the mystery rather than starting with a murder. You could still have a very impactful start with Laura under hypnosis recalling some troubling childhood memories then backtrack in chapter 2 to why she's there, her phobia, etc.

Starting with the murder would work and then through the regression perhaps we get to know the where, when and how of the murder and that should add enough intrege and speculation.

Thanks for that. Yes, that is an excellent idea, Secret Spi. I think that would work much better. Thanks, Nashelle that's what I thought, but what SS has just suggested could solve both problems. Brilliant! *gets back to writing*

I must say time hops in books are my pet hate. I think it ruins the build up if thestory if the time jump is too big, but that is just my personal preference.

Hi Chinch. From what I've read about publishers, and if you haven't yet been published I would go for impact, either the murder or another very strong hook. Once you're a best selling author and not just one of the slush pile you can go for subtlety and intrigue! Just my opinion. Tons of luck with your project!!!

Okay, this is my opening chapter. It's very short. Does it hook you?

Was that the front door? Laura’s eyes sprang open. It was pitch black. No, it wasn’t that kind of noise. More of a creaking. A shuffle.

She wondered how long she’d been asleep. It was too dark to check the clock, and besides, she had heard that exposing your eyes to light made it more difficult to get back to sleep and she needed to be up early in the morning. She wondered if her sister was home yet.

The house was silent.

She moved her leg to the corner of the bed to stretch it and felt a weight there. She stopped for a moment. There was something on the bed. She wondered if she’d left her laptop there, but it didn’t feel hard. Maybe a wet towel? She had been very tired after her bath. Perhaps she should just kick it off?

She pushed against the weight, gently. It was heavy and made the corner of the bed dip away. It was as though a person were sitting on the bed. No, not that. It couldn’t be. A familiar fear weaved its way through her, slowly building. A fear she had not felt since she was ten years old, when she used to see them.

‘Jan?’ Laura whispered, not daring to look.

No answer. Laura felt the panic rise inside her. She made herself look, but it was too dark. Was that a shadow? She reached for the switch of her bedside lamp. As she did so, the weight lifted and in the same split second the ice white face of a woman flashed before her eyes. The woman. Laura screamed and rolled away and out of the other side of her bed. She slammed backwards against the wall.

‘What the hell do you want from me? Please, leave me alone!’

It does grab me if I hadn't have read the bit at the top - I would wonder what was going off deffinately.

Thanks, Tors. I think this is the one I am going with and then start the story proper from three weeks earlier. Chinch

Hi Chinch, I agree with Tors, this would grab me and I would read further!! The only negative comment I have is that I feel "She" has been used too often to start a sentence, but then having read Steve's comments on not begining sentances with words ending in ing, how the bloody hell do you start start sentences?? Apart from that I like it, and your style is easy to read.
Caf XX