Collateral Damage - rewrite with horror and emotion included.over 18's only -sex and violence included
| Sun, Aug 29 2010 05:57am IST 1 | ||||
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 stephenterry 1702 Posts |
One chapter from my detective M/S. The deranged serial killer
(Coach Mason) eliminates a mafia hood (Sammy) in Emmy's (a victim)
bedroom. Sammy is seeking revenge on Emmy for his sister's death.
Coach has forcibly enlisted Emmy, and is hiding in the bedroom
wardrobe (yeah I know!) Makes better sense in context.
Does the rewrite sound authentic? Emmy saw Sammy eyeing her up. Not surprising with what she wasn’t wearing. Lot of firm young flesh on show. Curves in all the right places. She didn’t have to flirt; his eyes told her what he wanted. Well she wasn’t going to discourage him, until they moved into the bedroom. Play the helpless victim. “Well, now what? Now you tied me up and all.” Sammy smirked. “First I’m going to get to know you a lot better, you know what I mean, and then when I’m satisfied you’re going to cooperate real good we can talk about what happened in Stockton.” His face clouded a bit. “And if I’m still in a good mood, I’ll just take the bucks and any other evidence you got on BG.” Emmy put on a puzzled expression. Play along, it was going to plan. “Stockton?” she queried. “Who are you?” she asked. Wrong question. “Sammy De Maggio. Ruth De Maggio’s brother. Does that ring a bell?” He sounded annoyed. She pretended to be shocked. Shut her mouth, not saying anything. Waited for him to calm down. The irritation passed. “Anyway we can talk about that later,” he said, moving over to her and dragging her up. “Look at you. The way you dress. Pushing your points out at me. You’re just a cock-teasing bimbo.” She pretended to resist. A token struggle to break free. Shook her head. “No, I’m sorry – please don’t hurt me.” She stopped and turned to face him. Stood close so he could feel her heat. She put on an eager puppy expression. “We can talk first, ok?” He wasn’t having any. He jerked her arm. “Get in the bedroom now.” Emmy smiled inwardly. How easy it was to manipulate men. Get them horny: their brain moves to their pants. She padded into the bedroom as he asked. Making sure her ass moved sensually underneath the mini skirt. Now she had to cool it down. Get him sitting next to her so Mason could strike. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her back to the walk-in. “Sammy, listen to me. I had nothing to do with Ruth. It was all BG’s fault.” Sammy wasn’t listening. He pushed her back on the bed. Roughly. “I told you to can it. Face down, bitch.” The ticking of her bedside clock penetrated her senses. She began to feel frightened. Hold on girl. Just a few more moments, Mason will strike. Tick tock. Tick tock. What if it all goes wrong? Tick. Why had she gone along with such a crazy plan? Tock. The money; yes the money. Fuck the money. Tick tock. She heard the sound of his zipper as he got on the bed beside her. Tick tock. Tick tock. She felt her skirt being pushed up, and then he tugged at her panties, rolling them off her body and down her legs. Oh god, please help. She felt the scream explode from her lips, but Sammy hit her. “Sammy, not that. Don’t rape me. Please don’t,” she cried. Not pretending any more. Sobbing now. Real tears. She tried to wriggle away but he slapped her head again. Harder this time. “Just lay still bitch,” he said, “unless you want your pretty face all roughed up.” Tick. With her arms tied she was helpless. He brutally pushed her legs apart and began to mount her. This wasn’t part of the plan. Tock. It wasn’t meant to be like this. She felt an alien worming its way inside. Desecrating her. Looking to plant its seed. The alarm went off in her head. Bas... Tick. He began to hurt her. ...tard. Tock. No. No. Please no. Not that. Please. Oh fuck...Silent tears flowed down her face. Where oh where was Mason? She choked back stinging, burning bile. “Help...me. Please.” *** Mason was disappointed that the big ape hadn’t got close enough to make sure of a silent kill. When he overheard Sammy telling Mike to go and stay with the limo he had two, maybe three, separate problems to deal with. He was a patient man. He would deal with it as it came. He would decide what to do with Emmy when he had finished with the Guinea. Then he would go after the other one, take a ride out to the barn and show the ape around. And give him his own plot of land. Emmy’s sobs and screams for help were echoing around his head but he waited...tick tock...waited until Sammy groaned with lust. Now he would have full justification for exacting the appropriate revenge for violation of his partner in crime, maybe also life. An honour killing. How apt. He crashed out of the walk-in, knife in hand, and jumped on top of him, pinning Sammy’s torso like meat in a sandwich. He reached up and grabbed Sammy’s head, and wrenched it to one side. Gave enough space for Emmy to wriggle clear. She just laid there, a wet coating of blood and semen dripping down her thighs. Silent racking sobs, her face buried in her pink pillowcase. Now damp, with her tears and vomit. Sammy’s eyes went wide when he saw him, and then he flinched as the blade tip pierced his throat. “Move and you’re dead,” said Mason in a way that Sammy would recognise. The impassionate voice of a killer. No emotion, just get the job done and walk away. Sammy didn’t struggle. But he put on a show of defiance, despite his predicament. “What the fuck you want?” “Answers Sammy, answers,” replied Mason, “like who told you that the serial killer had a link to the Bears?” He dug the blade tip in further, so Sammy would know he wanted an immediate response. Sammy’s eyes rolled. He tried to reason. “I’ll do a deal. The briefcase out there contains quarter of a million bucks. It’s yours, you let me go.” Mason laughed. Typical street-wise mobster. Say anything to get out of a hole. “It’s mine any time I want to take it Sammy. You’re offering me diddly-squat.” He pressed down harder on Sammy with his knee, pulled back his hair and whispered in his ear. “Do you want me to repeat myself?” “Wait,” whimpered Sammy. His one show of boldness deflated. “It was an undercover cop. I ain’t got a name, that’s the goddamn truth, but he looked a bit like a young James Garner.” Mason hummed. “You know him?” Mason knew him. Mackenzie. The one that had been sniffing around BG mainly, making noises. Well the cop knew nothing, but he’d better be careful not to be seen around. No loose ends. He tugged at Sammy’s hair again. “Anything else I ought to know?” Sammy threw in a curve ball. Desperate now. “I got another quarter million stashed in my limo outside, you let me go, and it’s yours.” Mason paused. Emmy had rolled over to look at them. She was grimacing with pain, but her tear-stained face said it all. Eyes wide open. Surprise. Nice try, Sammy. All Sammy wanted was to get him outside where Mike would take care of him for good. He laughed in a derisory manner. “Where you get quarter million from -- the money tree?” “Listen, it’s for real,” Sammy blurted out, sweating profusely. “BG paid me big money to terminate the girl. Half million all told. You got one stash here and the other half is sitting in my limo outside.” Another quarter million? That would really set him up. He toyed with Sammy and mimicked the Guinea’s voice. “I let you go and I have the mob on my back, huh? You think I stupid or something.” Sammy started to plead. “You kill me you’ll have the mob on your back, that’s a dead cert. You let me go, and I’ll give you my word I’m off your back. Please Coach.” Mason paused again. Let the guinea think he was going to take up the offer. Sammy’s eyes lit up. Didn’t whine when he said it. “Take the money, a cool half million.” “You’ve said enough,” replied Mason. He was tiring of this game. Males never got him excited enough. “You’re not on my back, I’m on yours.” The look of fear and the stench of Sammy’s bowels opening was enough to trigger the knife. He stifled a laugh as he sawed the blade through Sammy’s larynx, and severed the carotid artery. Emmy’s screams were like music to his ears. She would be much more fun. Chapter 35 – The sting incorporates collateral damageEmmy saw Sammy eyeing her up. Well she wasn’t going to discourage him, until they moved into the bedroom. “Something on your mind?” she asked coyly, breathing in and pushing her points out. Sammy smirked. “First I’m going to get to know you a lot better, you know what I mean, and then when I’m satisfied you’re going to cooperate real good we can talk about what happened in Stockton.” His face clouded a bit. “And if I’m still in a good mood, I’ll just take the bucks and any other evidence you got on BG.” Emmy put on a puzzled expression. Play along, it was going to plan. “Stockton?” she queried. “Who are you?” she asked. Wrong question. “Sammy De Maggio. Ruth De Maggio’s brother. Does that ring a bell?” He sounded annoyed. She pretended to be shocked. Shut her mouth, not saying anything. Waited for him to calm down. The irritation passed. “Anyway we can talk about that later,” he said, moving over to her and dragging her up. “Go and lie face down on the bed.” Emmy kicked off her shoes and padded into the bedroom as he asked. Making sure her ass moved sensually underneath the mini skirt. She heard the sound of his zipper as he got on the bed. She felt her skirt being pushed up, and then he tugged at her panties, rolling them off her body and down her legs. “Sammy, please don’t,” she cried. She tried to wriggle away but he slapped her head. Hard. “Just lay still bitch,” he said, “unless you want your pretty face all roughed up.” He brutally pushed her legs apart and began to mount her. There was nothing she could do. Where the hell was Mason? *** Mason was disappointed that the big ape hadn’t got close enough to make sure of a silent kill. When he overheard Sammy telling Mike to go and stay with the limo he had two, maybe three, separate problems to deal with. He was a patient man. He would deal with it as it came. He would decide what to do with Emmy when he had finished with the Guinea. Then he would go after the other one, take a ride out to the barn and show the ape around. And give him his own plot of land. Despite Emmy sobbing and saying ‘please don’t’ several times, Mason waited until Sammy groaned with lust, and began his rhythmic assault on her body. Now he would have full justification for exacting the appropriate revenge for violation of his partner in crime, maybe also life. An honour killing. How apt. He crept out of the walk-in, knife in hand, and jumped on top of him, pinning Sammy’s torso like meat in a sandwich. He reached up and grabbed Sammy’s head, and wrenched it to one side. Sammy’s eyes went wide when he saw him, and then he flinched as the blade tip pierced his throat. “Move and you’re dead,” said Mason in a way that Sammy would recognise. The impassionate voice of a killer. No emotion, just get the job done and walk away. Sammy went limp. Didn’t struggle. “What you want?” “Answers Sammy, answers,” replied Mason, “like who told you that the serial killer had a link to the Bears?” He dug the blade tip in further, so Sammy would know he wanted an immediate response. Sammy’s eyes rolled. He tried to reason. “I’ll do a deal. The briefcase out there contains quarter of a million bucks. It’s yours, you let me go.” Mason laughed. Typical street-wise mobster. Say anything to get out of a hole. “It’s mine any time I want to take it Sammy. You’re offering me diddly-squat.” He pressed down harder on Sammy. “Do you want me to repeat myself?” “Wait,” whimpered Sammy. “It was an undercover cop. I ain’t got a name, that’s the goddamn truth, but he looked a bit like a young James Garner. You know him?” Mason knew him. Mackenzie. The one that had been sniffing around BG mainly, making noises. Well the cop knew nothing, but he’d better be careful not to be seen around. No loose ends. “Anything else I ought to know?” “I got another quarter million stashed in my limo outside, you let me go, and it’s yours.” Mason paused. Nice try, Sammy. All Sammy wanted was to get him outside where Mike would take care of him for good. He laughed in a derisory manner. “Where you get quarter million from -- the money tree?” “Listen, it’s for real,” Sammy blurted out, sweating profusely. “BG paid me big money to terminate the girl. Half million all told. You got one stash here and the other half is sitting in my limo outside.” Another quarter million? That would really set him up. He toyed with Sammy and mimicked the Guinea’s voice. “I let you go and I have the mob on my back, huh? You think I stupid or something.” “You kill me you’ll have the mob on your back, that’s a dead cert. You let me go, and I’ll give you my word I’m off your back. Please Coach,” he begged. “Take the money, a cool half million.” “You’ve said enough,” replied Mason. “Anyway you’re not on my back, I’m on yours.” He giggled insanely, as he sawed the blade through Sammy’s larynx, and severed the carotid artery. |
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| Mon, Aug 30 2010 01:12am IST 2 | ||||
 Babblefish 846 Posts |
I wrote a big long comment last night, but then internet failed
and I lost it. Drat. Anyway, here is a very brief version of what
I did try to write, hopefully I remember everything. As with all
critiques here, take everything with a pinch of salt, and
remember that I do not have context so certain things I say may
be off because of that.
* Do you really want to characters ending in Y so close
together?
* by switching to Mason as your psudo-POV in second half you
lose emotional connection with reader, since Mason is largely
unemotional about what is happening. As a reader you almost
forget that Emmy is being raped.
*"giggled insanely" is horrible. We already can tell that he's
insane from the fact that he is giggling while slitting
someone's throat, you don't need to say it. Given how cold and
rational Mason appears to be up until this point, I'm not sure
I beleive he would be giggling.
*"Despite Emmy sobbing..." Despite implies regret, which is not
something I attribute to Mason. Okay, this is a little nit
picky, I'll admit, but it still stuck out. Either you are
following his POV (in which case it wouldn't be 'despite', it
mite be 'Emmy had been sobbing for a the past two minutes, but
that was unimportant. What was important...' or some such
thing. Alternatively move FURTHER from Mason's view. As it is
you sort of feel half way there in your attitude towards
Emmy.
* "Sammy, please don't". Maybe this is a text book phrase that
is known too come up in such situations (due to evolutionary or
social such and such) but personally it sounds off. It sounds
like the kind of thing that you might say in a
friendship/relationship gone wrong, NOT the kind of thing you
would expect when Sammy is her enemy, and she knows it.
Personally I'd expect her to cry for help, especially
considering she knows Mason is near by (I mean sure, she
doesn't want to give the game away, but self control is
limited, I wouldn't be surprised if she panicked and shouted
for him directly)
*Emmy's attitude to Sammy seems off. I mean sure, she's acting,
she's playing games, but it's not like she seduces him. She
flirts with him, he doesn't flirt back, or even register. He
threatens her, but she shows no sign of fear. Wouldn't he
NOTICE this? Wouldn't he be more used to girls putting up some
form of fight, and him forcing them, as opposed to Emmy, who
flirts the whole time (despite knowing he is an enemy, and him
knowing she knows this). At the very least he might go "don't
think your stupid tricks work on me... etc etc... go lie on
bed" (except in his manner of speech).
*Just because Emmy KNOWS what is supposed to happen, doesn't
mean she won't feel fear. It would make more sense for her to
put up some token resistance, her compliance should be enough
to make Sammy notice. (unless I've misenterpretted the
relationship between the two)
*the moment Mason jumps into the room Emmy appears to
dematerialise. She's still stuck underneath the pair isn't she?
What is she doing? what is she feeling? Does she shriek when
the coach spills Sammy's blood all over her. Is she relieved
when he arrives. Does she run away and try to pull her dress
back on? You could actually do the whole scene from her point
of view almost, her overhearing Sammy's interrogation, or do
you think she would be too traumatized to listen? Even so,
since your using psudo-POV this isn't a problem "Mason was
talking behind her, but Emmy couldn't focus enough to listen"
"The words didn't register."
Or even "That was a lot of money. If Mason killed these thugs
perhaps there was some way she could get her hands on
it."
Whatever you do with Emmy you need to keep her in the scene, or
at least show her exiting it. Using her POV as opposed to
Mason's would keep the story appropriately emotionally charged,
which I imagine is important.
* "
Where the hell was Mason?"
this sounds more annoyed than terrified. Is that what you were
going for? It just seems a bit odd that this is what she would
be thinking (the wording and tone seems off I mean, the idea
that she wants Mason to arrive makes perfect
sense.)
Sorry if this is overly harsh or whatever, but this is
obviously a reasonably important scene, and personally it just
doesn't ring true for me atm, which is a pity, because you've
obviously planned out the story very well, and your previous
chapters were awesome.
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| Mon, Aug 30 2010 06:22am IST 3 | ||||
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stephenterry 1702 Posts |
HI BF - all very good critique - and I agree. I now copy all of my
postings before I hit the send button - but thanks for the
extensive feedback - your involvement is very much
appreciated.
Yes, my biggest mistake was keeping Emmy out of the killing scene - plus the interaction with Sammy. You hit the nail firmly on the head - and that's why I published this chapter. I knew something was not quite right - but couldn't see the wood from the trees. Now I feel a heap happier - and please, please don't apologise - I welcome anyone offering their critiques. Hell, I give out plenty of stick - so it's only fair, sob sob... I could try re-writing it all from her POV (damn) - and see how it turns out - as she gets killed later by Mason I suppose it would be mean to deny her that... And that's another beef of mine. Conforming to a single POV is so one-dimensional - it's all eyebrows being lifted and glancing/looking/staring rather than conveying what the person is actually thinking... Emmy/Sammy too close sounding names - hmmn - I'll give it some thought. kind regards, as always - how's your M/S getting on? stephen |
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| Mon, Aug 30 2010 10:06am IST 4 | ||||
 maryluv 206 Posts |
I must admit that I read this a couple of day sago and didn't
really know what to make of it. It seemed devoid of emotion -
there's an attempted rape going on, and a murder in the offing but
I didn't really feel any of the horror.
It's out of context, obviously, so I held back from commenting as you may have plenty of fire going on in the rest of the story. I BFish has nailed it. |
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| Mon, Aug 30 2010 12:45pm IST 5 | ||||
 Gels 676 Posts |
Hi Stephen, it is obvious that this is a very important scene and one you want to get right (and one that can be hard to get right). There will always be other ways to describe and show what is happening here. This scene has to be full of emotion; you can’t just miss bits out if you are describing something like a rape, then a murder. This could be great! .
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| Tue, Aug 31 2010 02:34am IST 6 | ||||
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stephenterry 1702 Posts |
Thanks Maryluv for reading and commenting, and thanks Gels, for the
extensive feedback and suggestions for improvement. I agree
entirely with you both and it is important I get the scene right
with the appropriate emotion. Don't feel too sorry for Emmy - she's
a scheming, heartless, money-seeking, blackmailing bitch - but I
get the message loud and clear. If it was me being raped I wouldn't
feel too happy about it either...
Isn't it great to have so many contributors to help out? - I feel very humble and grateful for your time spent on the review. kind regards stephen |
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| Wed, Sep 1 2010 06:02am IST 7 | ||||
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stephenterry 1702 Posts |
Ok folks please just read the re-write, not the original disaster.
Hopefully I got it buttoned up better this time. I kept the change
of POV in to contrast Emmy's emotional trauma to Mason's
unemotional killing.
thanks one and all stephen. |
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| Wed, Sep 1 2010 07:46am IST 8 | ||||
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Babblefish 846 Posts |
It's better. Much better. Emmy is much clearer now, both her fear
and her money hungry ways when Sammy mentions cash. Mason's final
kill line doesn't really make sense any more, and there are a
couple probs similar.
BUT... it still doesn't quite work for me. Almost, but not quiet.
I just... I can't put finger on it.
I do feel much more connected to Emmy, which was the main issue,
and is fixed.
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| Wed, Sep 1 2010 10:31am IST 9 | ||||
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Gels 676 Posts |
This reads so much better for what you are describing Stephen, it
did work for me. If I am being really picky :) I don't think she
needs to actually say 'rape' we know what is happening. Perhaps
'don't do this' ?
Liked the 'tick - tock' throughout, great way to add suspense. You getting rid of Emmy too?? Well done, Gels :) |
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| Thu, Sep 2 2010 12:13am IST 10 | ||||
 MarkR 132 Posts |
Stephen,
my first read is the rewritten version. I thought it really conveyed Emmy's horror and I was horrified too and then there was the killing at the end to top it off. VERY well done I thought, I'm pulling squeamish faces as I type. I also liked the ticks and tocks - they worked really well. I have a couple of observations about things I questioned along the way. In the first part (Emmy's POV), there are lots of short sentences. That's OK for me as a style, but what threw me a little were examples that were so clipped I wondered if they were meant to be quite so brief. "Shook her head" and "Stood close.." Probably just a style thing, but it made it quite a stoccato read. 'Worming' seemed an inapporpriate word for the brutality of the act and 'where, oh where was mason' didn't convey the fury/urgency I would have expected at that point. I wonder if you could live without the first para after the change in POV? It takes us away from the ghastly scene and interrupts the continuity that's picked up just one para later. And finally, as Sammy is attacked, we have Emmy coping with blood, semen, tears and vomit all in the same para. Could you live without the last on that list? A hugely uncomfortable read for me - translated as very well done on your part I think. Hope some of this is useful - tiny points in the context of the piece. Regards, Mark |
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| Thu, Sep 2 2010 12:25pm IST 11 | ||||
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stephenterry 1702 Posts |
Thanks for reading and commenting Gels and Mark. I'm happy that the
clock ticks worked. Yes I agree and will incorporate changes as
suggested. Very good observations - both.
Mark: yes the suggestion re the first para after change of POV - agree completely. I'll work on the others too. Gels: Emmy does get it too - here's an extract: Mason couldn't make up his mind whether to kill her or not. From a movie scene (forget the name - old men old country or something - modern US western but the killer stole the acting awards - won an Emmy !! I think) he tosses a coin and asks her to call... He showed her the coin. Tails. “You got it wrong,” he said. He was saddened at the thought. Looked downcast. Emmy started to cry. “What you going to do?” she sobbed. He didn’t answer. Gave her an encouraging smile that doctors give to terminally ill patients. The smile that says the pain will soon be over. He started to stroke her face with his fingers as if sharing the tender moment. Murmured sweet words of endearment. She seemed to be calmed by his velvety voice. Pacified by his gentle actions. Her sobs lessened. Moved his fingers gently down to her neck.
Then he killed
her. The ticking of the bedside clock pierced his consciousness. Tick tock. He snapped back out of it, closed the bedroom door and picked up Sammy’s jacket. ... |
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| Fri, Sep 3 2010 11:13am IST 12 | ||||
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Gels 676 Posts |
Nice! :)
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| Fri, Sep 3 2010 04:36pm IST 13 | ||||
 Gerilyn 373 Posts |
Well! Bloody hell- I need a drink. Can I be cheeky and comment on
your last post for Gels? (Of course I'll comment anyway!)
Pacified by his gentle actions. Her sobs lessened. Moved his fingers gently down to her neck.
Then he killed her.(Then he snapped
it.) |
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| Sat, Sep 4 2010 03:15am IST 14 | ||||
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stephenterry 1702 Posts |
Thanks for the feedback Gerilyn. Good points. Not that simple to 'snap' a neck. It's a choke hold followed by a vicious head yank to sever the vertebrae. Pretty brutal. But point taken. How about ...and then he squeezed until she lay still. The reason being - Mason did 'feel' for Emmy in a perverted way. While he was technically capable, he didn't want that kind of death for her. Yes hyperventilate - good idea- have amended text. Mind cloud - not Emmy at all - but I'll keep that in reserve - always useful to understand this possibility. Very good insight into the female mind. Thank you. Oh, and Mason enjoys women suffering - he's deliberately waiting - just needs a 'rationale' for 'justice'. Poor guy, you can feel sorry for him when you read what happened to his mates in Afghanistan. The screams in the night were the worst. Inflicted by their women. They turned our Men into Eunuchs and fed them to the dogs. Thanks for reading stephen |
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