The Word Cloud

After a fight at BAN with Beau, Dari wakes up in Denvers with a massive hangover. It's the middle of the night, which is technically her daytime. Wrote this whilst watching a documentary on sleep, so if it's a bit shit.... :P xx

I woke up five hours later, sprawled out across the leather sofa in the back room, my head resting on George’s coat with a monster headache.
“It’s two in the morning.” George said to me before I had even opened my eyes, as he heaved a keg past me, and I felt my head pound. My eyes felt like they were going to explode.
“Aspirin.” He said shortly, dumping the keg and placing a cup of water and two pills on the desk in front of me.
“Cripes.” I croaked, lifting my head enough to take my pills and then flop back down again. “What time is it again?”
“Two am.”
“Oh gawd. Are there people here?”
He clicked the air condition on, “Yep. Have been for a while, I reopened when you fell asleep.”
I nodded numbly and tried to sit up, a brief flash of guilt hitting me when I realised he had closed the bar for me, but then it passed. He tapped me on the shoulder with a pair of sunglasses and I slipped them on gratefully, swinging my legs to the floor. “I’m leaving, don’t worry.” He laughed and grabbed a folder from the corner cabinet.
“Don’t feel obliged.”
I shrugged, “I need to feed anyway.” I swore I saw a brief flash of a grimace, but it passed.
“Go find John. See whether he’s killed Beau.” His words were meant to be funny but he didn’t smile.
I patted him on the back with a grateful smile and he nodded in return, following me out to the bar with his folder.

“Make sure you tidy up.” He called after me, as I meandered through the tables and out the door. I gave him a quick thumbs up, before the door shut behind me.
Outside in the street the sky was inky with a few stars dotted here and there, mostly blocked out by the streetlights. I shoved my hands in my pockets and looking down, I realised how I was dressed. My clothes were torn and damp from the lighter fluid and the window of Denver’s showed me that my hair had stiffened in a ridiculous 80’s hairstyle – but I couldn’t go back to my apartment until I had fed, otherwise I’d fall asleep and never leave.

So I took a deep breath and carried on down the street, praying that my five foot four frame on the dark lonely streets at half past two in the morning, would bring attention that meant I could stop this awful hunger, without having to instigate it myself.

After ten minutes of walking, I was sick of waiting and about to turn back, when a dark figure stepped out from the shadows beside me and moved to block my way.

“Evening momma.” He said in a slimy voice from beneath a hood and I felt my fists clench as another two men emerged behind me. “Lookin’ fine.” The hood man continued as I kept my eyes on him and tensed my muscles all over my body.
“What’s a fine hon like you doin’ all alone at night?” His cronies guffawed behind me but still I didn’t turn around.
“We’d like to take care of her wouldn’t we boss?”
The hood man gave me a slow body scan before biting a lip, “oh yeah. How ‘bout it babe?”
I shook my head and took a sigh, pitying them, looking down to scuff the floor.
“I’m talking to you bitch.” He reached out to shove me in my shoulders and I rocked backwards, almost bumping into the morons behind me. “How about I take you now huh? Make you scream?”

I shook my head again, but this time looked straight at him and stood tall. “How about I put my foot so far up your ass that you taste leather?” He stopped for a moment, cocking his head to one side, before throwing a sloppy fist at me, which was sidestepped far too easily.

I dodged his fist and grabbed his arm, feeling the joy and excitement of death closing in on us all as I floored him within seconds, a little heavier than I needed to. “You like scaring women?” I hissed down at him as he choked on shock and pain and I pressed his body further into the concrete.

“Don’t move!” I screeched at the two guys who were close to bolting, and their pulses increased as I tightened my grip on the victim’s tee-shirt and turned my attention back to him.
“Just kill him for crissake.” A lazy voice floated down from the wall next to us, and John hopped down to circle around us, hands in pockets.

I rolled my eyes and felt a sulk coming on.
“Go away John. Don’t you have someone to cripple?”
He gave a puzzled look, “do I?”
Frankly, I couldn’t be bothered to toy with our words this time, I just wanted John to go away and for my blood cravings to be satiated.
Curling my hands into the hood’s shirt, I lifted him to his feet and threw him around and into the wall, as John jumped out of the way.
“Careful with that!” He said dusting himself off and straightening his blazer jacket, “could’ve hit me.”
I let my fangs go, feeling the gorgeous slide of tooth on skin, before ripping the hood down from the man’s head and snapping his head back, to plunge my fangs into his fear stricken veins.

Behind me, I heard John whistle with admiration, before he shouted some command at the two cronies left behind. I turned around, dropping the drained man to the floor and wiped my mouth clean with my already stained sleeve.

“Feel better sweetness?” He asked me, eyeing the dead man for any signs of life before switching his attention back to me. I nodded.
“And the other two?”
He shrugged, “if they talk we’ll have to find them, a nice excuse for a hunt. If they don’t then no harm done.” This surprised me, I would’ve thought that witnesses would have to be neutralised, but he was the Master and not I.

I felt my body buzz with the happiness of new blood, my skin was supple and my eyes were bright - now I could sleep. John slung an arm around my shoulders and kissed my head, “time to sleep I think. Your place or mine?”

We wandered back down the pavement together, passing beneath streetlamps and back to bed, and not once did my conscience falter.

It's certainly not spew! It would be even better if you were to use correct punctuation for the dialogue. Someone else of similar age to you has the same problem, and I questioned the role of English teachers in not passing on this essential knowledge. (He seems to not be speaking to me now...I hope this will not result in the same from you!)

"It's two in the morning," George said to me...

"Aspirin," he said shortly...

"Cripes," I croaked...

"Make sure youy tidy up," he called after me...

"Evening, Momma," he said in a slimy voice...

I'm sure you've got it by now. Great writing, by the way. Wouldn't want some agent to dismiss as 'amateur' for the lack of a few commas.
R.C.

I've known all along my grammar is shocking! :P

Not speaking to you now.... ;)


Jokes, thankyou for reading and helping :) xxx

Hi Liss- this got better towards the end. I love the relationship between Dari and John. I've said it before, but I'll say it again- she's a great character.

Thought this paragraph could be improved upon,:-
Outside in the street the sky was inky with a few stars dotted here and there, mostly blocked out by the streetlights. I shoved my hands in my pockets and looking down, I realised (noticed) how I was dressed. My clothes were torn and damp from the lighter fluid and (I saw in) the window of Denver’s showed me that my hair had stiffened in a ridiculous 80’s hairstyle – but I couldn’t go back to my apartment until I had fed, otherwise I’d fall asleep and never leave.

After ten minutes of walking, I was sick of waiting and about to turn back, when a dark figure stepped out from the shadows beside me and moved to block my way. (She's not really waiting if she's walking is she?)

Maybe try:
After ten minutes, I was tired of walking and about to turn back....

I rolled my eyes and felt a sulk coming on.
“Go away John. Don’t you have someone to cripple?” (Love this!)


Geri x

Hi Liss, this was good. You always have good banter between your characters, it is good to read. :)

Very atmospheric scene with joyous phrases - 'glorious slide of tooth on skin' - entertaining.

I have one comment - it could be even better to elongate the lead up to the blood feeding - make us wait for the satisfaction. The hood could react more cockily - maybe invite a gang-bang - it's 3 against 1 little girl vampire.
Usually hoods only back-off when blood is drawn - in my humble opinion. D could say to the others, 'you want some of this as well'? you scared or something?'

kind regards
stephen

I haven't much to add to what's been said so far. This piece, like the others of yours I've seen here, have that thing of keeping the reader reading.

There are some really arresting turns of phrase - like the toothy one stephenterry pointed out. On the other hand, you lose me slightly in the passage with the goons. To my mind, this isn't so convincing, and these characters seem a bit flat. Fair enough, they aren't going to be around for long, but they need to be every bit as sharply drawn as Dari, George, and John. Would a member of a street gang ever call another member Boss, even if he is the leader? With the use of words, like cronies and guffawed this part seems more Murder she Wrote, than a slick, modern vampire story.

Apart, from that - really liked it, and as I said, it kept me reading.

You guuuuys! Thankyou so much for your help! :)
xxxx