The Word Cloud

- - Todd Martin - -

Mystery Shopper

An original screenplay by

JtF

ACT 1 FADE IN

INT. CLOUD LEVEL SKY MALL - DAY

TODD MARTIN, 22, slick and street smart, wears Men-in-Black 17 shades and an expensive suit for his latest guise as a mystery shopper.

PRETTY ASSISTANT

Thank you Mr Martin.

TODD

It’s Todd. You’ve been very helpful.

He hands her his limitless Titanium Mondo card. She gives him her best smile, approaches a till and scans it.

ASSISTANT

I just need your retinal scan and thumb print for security.

TODD

Surely.

Todd squares up to the till, slips his shades into his top pocket and looks into the eye pieces. His hand fumbles for the print scanner. The assistant places his thumb over a glowing LCD. She lets her hand linger. Todd grins.

TODD

You get commission?

ASSISTANT

Yes. If you need any help setting all this stuff up -

Todd squints into the machine

TODD

I’ll be okay.

Hey, I think I can see my house from here.

The machine bleeps.

ASSISTANT

Scan accepted. Have a nice day Todd Martin.

TODD

You too.

The assistant smiles purposefully at Todd but he’s already leaving.

INT. SKY MALL LIFT HALL - DAY

Todd presses the lift call button then waits (ignoring the view - that’s for tourists) he’s on the 250th floor of the Sky Mall. Todd blows upon, then fans himself with his Mondo card. It glows white hot from his purchases.

TODD’S FANTASY FLASH:

INT. CLIENT’S LOUNGE - EVE

The MALE CLIENT 44, has barely squeezed into his neatly appointed bachelor pad lounge. Or rather, it was neat until Todd’s high tech purchases have filled every available part.

Todd emerges from beneath a giant complex console.

MALE CLIENT

I wanted an entertainment centre not Mission Control Houston!

TODD

You said buy the best!

MALE CLIENT

Get out! And take all this stuff back.

Mystery shopper Todd Martin you’re sacked!

END FLASH

INT. SKY MALL LIFT HALL - DAY

His reverie is broken as the lift arrives. Todd shudders as he steps into the crowded lift. The doors swish shut and the lift starts its descent.

FANTASY FLASH:

INT. FEMALE CLIENT’S LOUNGE - EVE

The FEMALE CLIENT 28, is a foxy babe. Her opulent lounge is hung with colourful silks and tapestries; decidedly a lovefest for the senses. On a low table, surrounded by scatter cushions sits a small understated hi tech entertainment centre. The female client is beaming. Todd indicates the device.

TODD

You said buy the best.

FEMALE CLIENT

It’ll do everything?

TODD

Yep. And some.

FEMALE CLIENT

You’re my goto guy Todd Martin.

She drapes her arms around him, pulls Todd in close.

TODD

Wow!

Her eyes search his. She pulls him closer still.

FEMALE CLIENT

You seem to know just what I want.

Todd swallows hard.

TODD

Yeah -

FEMALE CLIENT

I believe your bonus has just increased.

END FLASH

INT. SKY MALL LIFT - DAY

The lift emits a sudden squeal. With a start Todd regards his fellow shoppers.

GINA 24, slight, smart, athletic, catches his eye. She’s staring at his Mondo card and giving him attitude like - yeah, I’ve seen one of those before- Todd smirks and replaces the card in his wallet. Todd looks back at Gina. Now she’s ignoring him.

TODD (MOUTHING)

I think you’re gorgeous. . .

Gina sighs and thinks he’s a fool then -

INT. SKY MALL LIFT - CONTINUOUS

The lift lurches alarmingly then drops endlessly out of control.

There’s pandemonium. The other passengers scream and/or clutch each other in shock.

Todd claws his way over/under/around to the control panel.

C.U. as Todd presses the Emergency Stop button. It has no effect.

Taking out a Swiss Army pen-knife he selects then points one of the attachments at the panel screws.

A focused beam illuminates the screws which then start undoing by themselves.

While all around is in chaos, Todd shoots a cool grin at Gina - she’s not screaming - she’s too scared.

Removing the panel, Todd peers in at the complex circuitry. He touches his knife against some components which spark and flash.

Todd closely examines his knife and rubs his finger along its side. A menacingly sharp cross between the horse’s hoof stone remover and a corkscrew emerges.

Todd peers at the circuit again, then lunges at a large integrated circuit, snapping it in half.

EXT. SKY MALL LIFT - CONTINUOUS

The free falling lift’s retro rockets ignite.

INT. SKY MALL LIFT - CONTINUOUS

Its occupants fall to the floor. Todd’s hanging on to his knife whilst struggling to remove it.

As they stop he pulls free. Todd’s still upright.

WOMAN

He’s saved us.

MAN

You hero.

LIFT INTERCOM

Are you guys okay in there?

TODD

We’re all OK - I think?

The occupants regain their feet and start clapping

INTERCOM

You’re just above the sixty ninth floor. We’ll have you out in a jiffy.

TODD (MOUTHING TO GINA)

Sixty nine -

Gina still thinks he’s a fool. At least she’s alive.

EXT/INT. SKY MALL LIFT - LATER

Todd dangles his legs out of the lift and into space as a burly FIREMAN helps the other passengers clamber into the safety of his hover truck.

FIREMAN

That was quick thinking, son.

TODD

C’mon, it was nothing!

FIREMAN

You did good.

TODD

A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

FIREMAN

I’m sure all these folks were mighty glad you were here.

The Fireman grins at Gina.

FIREMAN

Don’t you say Missy -

GINA

Yeah thanks.

TODD

Miss, you dropped this.

He hands Gina his Mystery Shopper business card - she clutches it too breathless to respond. (yet)

INT. TODD’S HOME - NIGHT

A New York style apartment in total chaos.

Todd regards this mess with incredulity.

TODD

Have I been burgled?

His Gadgets and stuff are still there underneath it all.

Todd touches a large computer screen which crackles with static as it bursts to life displaying

“You have 0 messages”

Todd undoes his tie and hangs up his jacket.

Moving to the kitchen, his washing up overflows from the sink. Every surface is cluttered with cups and debris.

TODD

I’m gonna fire that Au pair -

Todd opens his gigantic fridge. Its door contains some slushy dispensers: red, blue and green. Todd selects red but this is almost empty. Then he adds some ice cubes also dispensed by this amazing fridge. He takes a drink

TODD

This boysenberry’s strong -

He adds some green to the mixture. His drink now looks truly disgusting. He sips at it, smacks his lips, then drinks some more.

TODD

Not bad!

Peering into the bottom of this fridge Todd gingerly prods some strange, shrivelled, blackened objects.

TODD

What are these? Vegetables?!

Inside this fridge is another door. The deep freezer. Todd opens this and lots of white fog pours out. As this clears we see it’s choc-a-block with frozen pizzas.

Todd closes the door(s) without making a selection.

TODD

I’ll eat out tonight.

I’d better leave a note for the Au pair.

He scribbles on a carton which he secures to the fridge with a magnet.

‘Valerie - clear this place up.’

Todd grabs a casual jacket and is just about to leave.

TODD (V.O)

Valerie? Oh yeah - she said she’d had a better offer.

INT. RESTAURANT HIJINX - EVE

Todd and his friends NIKI 19, PAUL 25 and ZAK 23 are sitting at a table eating and drinking.

NIKI

Todd, do you know where the Ladies room is in here?

TODD

I think it’s over there.

Hang on. I’ll come with you.

ZAK

You used to be able to drink six tubes before you sprang a leak.

PAUL

You’re not changing into a gurl are you?

They always go in pairs.

Todd and Niki get from their seats.

TODD

Shut up Paul.

Betya thought yours was a pubic hair until you pissed thru it!

INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM - SAME

Niki and Todd enter the metallic facility. The stainless steel basins look shiny and stainless. As they walk past a row of engaged cubicles, the air conditioning rumbles efficiently - Todd sniffs then sneezes and splutters

TODD

Good old air-con Alpine Forest!

Niki grabs Todd’s arm.

They stop walking. A woman, then a man exit the facility.

NIKI

My God! This is a communal toilet!?

TODD

Like - yeah.

The Metrosexuals claimed that Ladies and Gents were discriminatory terms of gender assignment.

NIKI

I thought that Metrosexuals were asexual?

TODD

So did I. But now it’s the law.

They walk along the two rows of cubicles to reach a vacant stall. He nods

TODD

Here we are. Ladies, er, I mean Niki, you first.

She gingerly pushes the door further ajar.

NIKI

Jesus! What’s that thing?

TODD

You used a space potty before?

Niki looks embarrassed

NIKI

I’ve never been in anything like that!

TODD

It’s your usual hands-free operation. Just interrupt those light sensors for all the special functions.

NIKI

Which are?

TODD

C’mon Niki, you know. Short wash, long wash and air dry.

Niki fiddles with the machine’s sinuous attachment

NIKI

Sounds fine. What’s this for - is it a reading light?

TODD

You needn’t concern yourself with that.

That’s the male part. It’s the tap, tap, hands free.

Niki looks aghast. Her hand recedes with the speed of a viper.

NIKI

Where can I wash my hands!

TODD

Over there in those ultrasonic cleaners.

Niki thrusts her hands under a machine which bursts loudly into life.

TODD

Are you gonna go?

NIKI

I’ll wait till I get home

(beat)

TODD

Do you mind if I ?

NIKI

It’s a free country.

Niki goes and looks at her hair and face in the mirror. The other girls are fixing make up. Some men too! Niki isn’t wearing any.

INT. RESTAURANT TABLE - CONTINUOUS

PAUL

How come there’s so many Metrosexuals?

ZAK

That stuff the Government was putting in the water - it was supposed to stop people getting fat -

PAUL

I thought that wasn’t true -

ZAK

It didn’t work. Then all the pregnant mothers gave birth to genderless children.

PAUL

So they don’t have a -

ZAK

- There’s nothing!

Their body’s like a shop’s dummy.

PAUL

What’s Todd’s excuse -

INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS

NIKI

Hey Todd. What you up to in there?

There’s no reply from the cubicle.

NIKI

Todd! Can’t you pee and talk at the same time?

TODD

I can’t go with you standing there. . . .

NIKI

I’ll see you back at the table.

EXT/INT. SMYTHE’S TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT

ARCHIBALD SMYTHE 53, paces about his ultra modern apartment and regards (from this penthouse bowl) his views of the Thames. He snatches up a phone.

EXT/INT. MYSTERY SHOPPING HQ - CONT

TODD’S BOSS 44, sets aside a lurid a tabloid newspaper to play tiddly-winks with coloured paperclips as he waits. Business is slow. Then his phone rings.

INTERCUT:

TODD’S BOSS

Goodevening Mystery Shopping Incorporated. How may we be of service?

SMYTHE

I need you to make a purchase for me - An anonymous purchase.

Todd’s Boss regards Smythe’s picture (and lurid article) in the newspaper. He recognises this voice. He taps the picture and gestures thumbs up.

BOSS

That’s our speciality.

SMYTHE

I’m feeling a little constricted, restrained - -

Smythe paces theatrically about.

SMYTHE

My town house feels like a prison cell!

I need to breathe fresh air and take strolls along the beach.

BOSS

You need an Estate Agent -

He reaches for a handful of blue M&M’s

SMYTHE

No - I don’t want any publicity.

The media will come circling - like vultures.

The boss crunches his blue M&M’s with excitement

BOSS

I see. What exactly can we help you with?

SMYTHE

I want to buy an Island. Pronto!

EXT/INT. ZAK’S ROCKET CAR - LATER

A bashed up old rocket car glides to a stop outside some cheap looking apartments. Zak is driving, Paul is bitching, while an inebriated Todd sits next to a wriggling Niki in the back.

ZAK

Here you are Niki. Home sweet home.

NIKI

Thanks Zak.

TODD

I think you look cool in that outfit.

You can’t buy stuff like that you know.

NIKI

I know, I made it.

TODD

You’re a good friend Niki. I appreciate that.

You’re a good listener

PAUL

Was that a tacky chat up line or what? You’ve known each other since school.

What are you now? Sweethearts?

ZAK

You’d make an interesting couple.

PAUL

Quit it, straight boy.

Todd gathers up Niki’s hands from her lap.

He looks about to whisper sweet nothings in to her ear. Then he leans closer and tries to kiss her.

NIKI

Nice tube breath!

Sorry Todd I gotta run. I really need to go.

She throws open the car door and scampers off.

ZAK

You have that effect on many girls?

PAUL

He does. It’s usually coz they can’t stop laughing.

INT. NIKI’S BEDROOM - NEXT DAY

Her bedroom is quite spartan apart from a pinboard displaying photo’s of Niki with her mates Todd etal, and her older sister ROXY, 26. A ‘Missing you’ card hangs ajar revealing a series of Police mug shots of Roxy. The poor handwriting says “Niki please come visit soon.” There’s a big heart and some kisses which Roxy has signed in pink lipstick.

Niki’s bedside laptop computer shows the time flicking over to 09:00. Then an MPEG file plays.

This shows Roxy in a bikini clutching a big gun. Roxy fires this automatic weapon into the desert.

ROXY

Hey little sis - Niki, it’s time to wake up.

Or else me and my new friends will come back and git you.

The camera pulls back to reveal Roxy’s leather clad male friends. And their guns and Rocket Harley’s.

The video loops. Niki awakes and shuts this off.

INT. MYSTERY SHOPPING HQ - SAME TIME

The Boss sits at a spartan desk in his leased office. There’s no lamp, or computer - just a phone and a wine glass filled with blue M&M’s. There’s no other office furniture. This situation looks grave.

Todd has been called to account. He frowns,

TODD

Excuse me, a what?

BOSS

You heard me!

TODD

It’s not my field. I didn’t do well in geography at school -

BOSS

What did they teach you - Anything?!

TODD

I don’t know much about islands.

BOSS

You’d better read up about them pretty damn quick.

INT. NIKI’S BEDROOM - LATER

This tomboy grubby signet becomes a swan. (briefly)

Niki is transformed by the dress she’s wearing, the necklace, the heels. She regards herself, fancifully in a wardrobe mirror.

NIKI

It’s no good. This isn’t me.

Todd thinks I’m just a tomboy.

Her phone-com rings. Niki presses a button, then answers.

INTERCUT

INT. ESTATE AGENT’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

TODD

Hi Niki. What ya doing?

Your phone-com’s saying ‘Visual data withheld.’

NIKI

Damn right. I’m changing.

TODD

Into what?

NIKI

Combat trousers -

Niki regards her glamorous reflection one last time then steps out of the dress and kicks it under her bed.

TODD

Hey Niki, get the guys together. We’re gonna get some free stuff -

NIKI

How come!

TODD

Buying an exotic isle is fun. Everyone’s being especially nice.

An ASSISTANT signals to Todd.

ASSISTANT

Sir, your sushi’s arrived.

TODD (TO ASSISTANT)

Thanks -

TODD

Hey Niki - what’s your favourite sushi?

NIKI

Where are you??!

EXT. SCRAMJET - DAY

Smythe boards a state of the art (small) private plane for its VIP maiden flight to America. It bears the logo of Tiny World Airlines. It flies at 15,000 mph.

INT. SCRAMJET - CONTINUOUS

Smythe makes his way to the front. He wallows in a large leather lazyboy seat. He fiddles with its arms revealing many hi tech gadgets and boys’ toys.

CHERYL, one of a pair of pretty hostesses comes to his aid.

CHERYL

Sir. That’s the Chairman’s seat.

SMYTHE

It’s OK. Dickie won’t be joining us. Something’s come up.

CHERYL

I see. We weren’t informed.

The internal phone rings. Cheryl picks up. She listens for a moment then hangs up.

CHERYL

Seems you’re correct.

SMYTHE

How long’s this going to take?

CHERYL

Just over an hour. Thirty minutes up, two or three minutes of level flight then thirty minutes down.

Smythe squints at her name tag.

SMYTHE

You a 19 mile high Member, Cheryl?

CHERYL

The toilet’s very small.

Two or three minutes?

SMYTHE

It’s not like having sex with the wife -

- this will be pure elation!

CHERYL

For who?

SMYTHE

C’mon Cheryl.

You know who I am.

I’m like this with Dickie.

Smythe holds up two crossed fingers

SMYTHE

You’ll get promotion. He won’t mind if I sample some of your in-flight TWA tea.

CHERYL

I don’t want promotion that badly.

SMYTHE

Don’t look so tense. We’ve both adults.

We’ve seen fellatio in First Class.

Cheryl looks at him with a - no I haven’t and no I wouldn’t - with you - not even at gunpoint way.

CHERYL (TERSELY)

This is V.I.P class.

SMYTHE

That’s me - a Very Improper Person.

C’mon Cheryl - whatdya say?

The other hostess appears just in time to rescue Cheryl from Smythe’s clutches.

HOSTESS 2

Sir, it’s time you belted up.

The engines rev to screaming pitch.

WRITTEN: LOS ANGELES FUND-RAISER DINNER

INT. HOTEL BANQUET HALL - DAY

OSCAR FATMAN, 55, is impeccably dressed but also excessively fat. He greets his guests for this charitable fund-raising luncheon.

An AIDE bustles up and whispers to Oscar

AIDE

Sir. You wife’s just arrived - - with him!

OSCAR

Short arms and long pockets. That’s all I need.

INT. BANQUET HALL - CONTINUOUS

Oscar’s wife AUDRY 44, glamorous, lavishly dressed but painfully thin doesn’t share her husband’s enthusiasm for food or fund-raising.

Audry’s on Smythe’s arm as they make their way to the top table.

SMYTHE

Darling this feels so wrong yet somehow so right.

AUDRY

It’s naughty but nice.

SMYTHE

Does HE have to be here?

AUDRY

He is the President of this charity and he’s still my husband.

You’ve landed another free lunch on me!

SMYTHE

You told me he’s a boorish brute.

AUDRY

Oscar’s an overweight gourmand who’s fabulously rich but alas, a lousy lover.

You are so fast - so energetic. Your urges are like a schoolboy’s

SMYTHE

You say the nicest things.

I must remember to bring my cap and shorts. My old school tie too?

Now look what you’ve done! Look at my ego swelling.

AUDRY

You’re incorrigible!

INT. MYSTERY SHOPPER HQ - DAY

The Boss scans some pictures in a glossy exposé magazine. A headline proclaims:

Snake Smythe slithers away with mistress.

A picture depicts Smythe and Audry in a passionate clinch in the back of a Limo.

There’s a picture of a San Antonio adobe hideaway where they skipped out for sex.

Their guilty expressions at being snapped leaving afterwards.

EXT. CLIFF MAXWELL OFFICES - EVE

CLIFF 52, the publicity guru gives some soundbites outside his London Offices.

CLIFF MAXWELL

Lord Smythe should know better. He’s been in this business long enough.

He should clearly state that there’s nothing to this.

Let the press sue or be dammed.

What he’s offered is a pantomime diversion.

It’s not what I’d expect from the Sultan of Spin.

INT. NIKI’S BEDROOM - LATER

Todd leans back on Niki’s bed looking bored.

TODD

Niki, can’t you do something to improve my fortune?

NIKI

You need an I Ching reading -

She scatters her sticks then muses

NIKI

Your destiny is as water. It will find its way around all obstructions in its path.

TODD

Something’s got to change.

His phone com rings.

INTERCUT WITH MYSTERY SHOPPER HQ

TODD’S BOSS

You bought an island yet?

TODD

They’re not that easy to acquire.

BOSS

You need more credit?

He stuffs in a handful of blue M&M’s and crunches

TODD

No.

More availability.

BOSS

I’ve contacted our mystery man and he’s upped the ante.

The bottom line’s now 30 million Mondos. He’s transferring three mil across as a down payment.

TODD

More money might help.

BOSS

Damn right. Get on it!

He disconnects. Todd’s phone com rings again.

INTERCUT

INT. GINA’S HOME - CONT

Gina (from the lift) is holding Todd’s card.

GINA

Todd Martin?

TODD

Correct! Who’s this?

GINA

Gina. I want to thank you for saving my life.

TODD

No problem.

GINA

Can we meet for dinner?

TODD

Like a date? Sure.

GINA

I might have a job for you. I’ll call tomorrow to confirm.

TODD

Great. Bye.

Todd hangs up. He smiles at Niki

TODD

It’s working already!

INT. GINA’S OFFICE - DAY

She works as an interior designer. CINDI is her runner.

GINA

Cindi, could you collect those swatches.

CINDI

The client’s seen them on-screen.

GINA

She can’t feel them on a screen -

Gina turns to regard Cindi with amazement

GINA

She can’t caress them, or smell them, or watch the sunlight play across the nap.

CINDI

If you insist.

GINA

She must sense how it all goes together.

CINDI

OK! Keep ya fur on. This ain’t the Sistine Chapel.

Gina makes a call.

INTERCUT

GINA

Todd. The Zone restaurant, 8.30

TODD

Cool. I’ll be there.

INT. TODD’S HOME - LATER

NIKI

So is this business or pleasure?

TODD

It’s business but she’s my pleasure.

NIKI

So this is a date!

TODD

Maybe.

NIKI

You look great. Lose the necktie.

TODD

I’d better take my phone-com.

He places this in his trouser pocket. It makes an unsightly bulge.

NIKI

That’ll create the wrong impression.

Todd regards himself

TODD

I like this look.

NIKI

Trust me - she won’t. Haven’t you got another pocket?

TODD

Yeah. In my jacket.

NIKI

Much better.

Now just a hint of cologne. Not too much - you don’t want to knock her over with your aroma.

She takes it from him and sprays Todd with a little.

TODD

What do you think?

NIKI

You’re ready.

Todd slips on his Men-in-Black 17 shades.

TODD

Thanks Niki. Can I walk you out?

NIKI

I’ll just be a moment.

TODD

OK. While you get going I’d better get gone.

Slam the front door on your way out.

Niki enters Todd’s bathroom and closes the door. Todd moves to his front door and calls out

TODD

Thanks Cowgirl. You gonna wish me luck?

NIKI (O.S)

Good luck.

Todd exits.

INT. TODD’S BATHROOM - CONT

Niki stands hunched over the handbasin, her weight leaning heavily on her arms. She regards her reflection.

NIKI

As if you need it!

If you took off those bloody shades you might see what’s right in front of your face.

She sighs and gingerly tips Todd’s toilet seat down (this is a conventional one!) with her foot.

INT. GINA’S HOME - MONTAGE

It’s neat, tasteful and elegant, (in a marked contrast to Todd’s) as she gets ready for the date.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Gina hails a bright pink hovering LADYCAB. As it pulls up we glimpse its door logos.

They proclaim ‘Women only cabs’ ‘Promoting women’ and ‘Driven by women.’

EXT/INT. LADYCAB - NIGHT

Gina (looking red hot) slithers into the back seat.

LADY DRIVER

Where to gurl?

GINA

The Zone restaurant.

The Ladycab hovers away.

DRIVER

Wow! Expensive.

You all dressed up n all. Is he paying?

GINA

Unless chivalry’s dead. Actually he saved my life -

DRIVER

- You kiddin me -

GINA

No. We were plunging to our deaths in a sky lift -

The driver spots the high, taut, defined butt of a shorts-wearing courier bicycle rider.

She’s distracted. The Ladycab stops at a junction.

DRIVER (TO CYCLIST)

Hey sweet thing.

Shimmy some of that over here.

The male rider stops, dismounts and comes over.

CYCLIST

Ma’am were you addressing me?

The Lady Driver looks at his crotch bulge. There isn’t one. The outline is like a mannequin’s.

DRIVER

I was just day dreamin

CYCLIST

Then I’ll be on my way.

DRIVER

Be my guest.

DRIVER (TO GINA)

Don’tya love to watch ‘em leave.

GINA

He’s a Metrosexual.

DRIVER

Looks that way.

It’s a damn shame.

GINA

It must be funny though - you know - not having nothing.

How do they go?

DRIVER

They have a little tube.

I believe it’s behind their left knee.

GINA

It’s like those Love Is.. cards.

DRIVER

Yeah.

Love is realising you have no genitals!

GINA

They seem happy enough. I’ve never seen a sad one.

DRIVER

That’s true enough. All they’ve got to pleasure is their minds.

The Ladycab draws up outside the Zone restaurant.

INT. SMYTHE TOWNHOUSE - EVENING

Smythe is laying down the law to his new maid FIFI

SMYTHE

As you’re aware, I am Lord of Glendiditch.

I am above you in station.

Befitting a man of my position, you will afford me certain privileges.

You do not speak unless spoken to.

You do not look at me - ever.

If I pass you while working, you will face away from me and stand by the wall.

He stops strutting and is now in her face

SMYTHE

Understand that you’re here to serve me and be my beck and call girl.

That is all.

Fifi curtseys.

SMYTHE

Oh, I expect you to be in uniform at all times.

One’s hanging in your room.

The Agency told me you were a size ten.

INT. FIFI’S ROOM - LATER

The uniform is hanging in her broom cupboard sized wardrobe. Fifi takes it out and regards it with contempt. It’s a French Maid’s outfit. Size 8.

FADE OUT

Hi JtF,

I'd like to read your script but my brain doesn't cope well in this format - any chance you could print to PDF from your software and link to it? :)

Also, just a wee word of advice. Acts are for stage plays. You don't have them in film scripts. Simply FADE IN at the beginning, FADE OUT at the end - everything in between is a scene :)

All the best.

Just a word of advice...

Greets JtF,

Hiya, sorry this took so long - had a 13 hour drive to contend with, and recover from.

Hope you don't mind the feedback publicly, in case it's of use to others who are also scripting.

My feedback is based on the first few pages, look forward to a second draft. It certainly oozes 'sleek'. You've got the sense of place and purpose pegged. The rest is just technical:

As mentioned before - acts and scenes are really for stage plays. In film scripts they're marked by scene headers (EXT. Somewhere - Sometime etc.) and FADE IN/FADE OUT at the beginning and end.

CLOUD LEVEL SKY MALL – I found myself tripping over that :op Just personal preference, but how about: CLOUD-LEVEL SKY MALL or just SKY MALL? – then at the start of the action give a more detailed location description. I'd like some more info on what this sky mall looks like. Is it floating or on a huge tower?

Thank you Mr Martin. – for what?

smiles purposefully - what's a purposeful smile look like? What's the purpose...of the smile?

TODD’S FANTASY FLASH: - When scripting you can use something called a 'transition'. This is a short direction on the right-hand side, in capitals, between scenes. The most commonly used tends to be: CROSS TO: but FLASHBACK: is also acceptable.

Having read the flashback scene, it feels more like a nightmare than a fantasy :) A fantasy that ends in getting sacked? I'd just stick to transitional flashbacks or cross-tos.

(ignoring the view - that’s for tourists) – Top tip: never use brackets in action. Brackets in scripts have a very specific purpose. They're called parentheticals, and they are used beneath characters and before dialogue to give an emotional direction. They are used *very* sparingly, because it's the actor's job to work out the emotion behind the words. However, sometimes a line can be ambiguous and need a little help, especially if it's (sarcastic) or (hurt).

The other problem with the above is that 'ignoring the view - that's for tourists'... who are you telling this to? This isn't a novel, it's a script. You're writing for an audience, not a reader. How is the audience going to know that the view is just for tourists? They can only ever know what you tell them or show them. Either someone says that 'the view is just for tourists', or there is a sign on the wall. Otherwise this information is completely irrelevant.

It glows white hot from his purchases. – Similarly, as the audience I can see that the card is glowing white hot. What I don't automatically know is that it's glowing white hot from his purchases. Maybe it's glowing because it's a special glow-in-the-dark card, or because it's made from special plastic. Who knows. So action needs to be extremely clear about this. Perhaps he: runs the card through the machine until it starts smoking and glows white hot. You need to make sure that you can justify every statement with action or speech.

has barely squeezed into his neatly appointed bachelor pad lounge. Or rather, it was neat until Todd’s high tech purchases have filled every available part. – You really can't do this in a script. It's 'novelistic'. How can I possibly know that it was neat until Todd bought lots of stuff? The only way for the audience to know any of this is if you print out the script and issue them with a copy before the film starts.

complex console. – describe please. I want an idea of what it looks like.

I wanted an entertainment centre not Mission Control Houston! – Suggest: Mission Control, Houston!

Mystery shopper Todd Martin you’re sacked! – You've already established his name, yet everybody keeps addressing him by his full name and title. When you're shouting at someone in anger, you're more likely to shorten it. Or even just: 'you're sacked.'

His reverie is broken as the lift arrives. – Reverie whilst being shouted at?

There's far too much direction going on. Remember that the job of a script writer is to provide straight action and dialogue. The role of the director and of the actors, is to work out tone of voice, facial expressions and emotions. Anything more than action and dialogue starts to become a novel.

END FLASH – Suggest use transition: RETURN TO:

and giving him attitude like - yeah, I’ve seen one of those before – Having just said you use too much direction, here is an example where you need more. How does her attitude say 'I've seen one of those before'. Suggest: raises her eyebrow as if to say 'I've seen one of those before'.

TODD (MOUTHING)- parentheticals come beneath character and before dialogue. Mouthing is technically action, but you could get away with it in parents.

Gina sighs and thinks he’s a fool – absolutely can’t do. Characters must never, ever 'think', they can only say or do. An audience would either have to read the script or be psychic to know what a character is thinking. How do we know that she thinks he's a fool? What does she do or say to give that impression?

I've taken a break there. Here's my key thoughts:

1. Replace any ‘he thinks’/'she thinks’ with specific direction.
2. Remove novelistic writing and replace with straight action – remember that it is your job to offer action and dialogue, but don’t do the actor’s job for them. Emotions, feelings, expressions - not necessary. Only use extremely sparingly when it adds something to the script that cannot be missed.
3. Only use brackets for parentheticals, not direction or action.
4. Try using ‘cross to’ and ‘return to’ rather than flashes.

Look forward to the next draft. And, like I say, it's got a very slick feel to it. Easy to read.

Dear Kasubi, many thanks for your comments. As one of my first offerings you're correct that there are novellistic hang-overs left within. I know that Todd's Mondo card glows white as it has unlimited credit but this point could be made later when he purchases the island. For smiles purposefully I'd now write smiles slightly, as this gives the actor a tad more intrigue to work with. Similarly the sky mall is left to the boundaries of your imagination - and that of the matte artist. The "don't look down that's for tourists" is called back in a later dream sequence - in fact don't look up - as Todd is drinking in a bar beneath a club that has a glass floor. As for Gina thinking Todd's a fool sure- this can now be a VO.
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Originally this was completely savaged by triggerstreet.com where peer review of full scripts gets yours into the frame. To post a review you have to answer 7 out of 10 questions correctly (to stop you reading three pages and posting this is crap!) and from the responses given ~ I'm sure thay must have read an alternate SP and were good guessers ~ were less than helpful. So I took my work elsewhere. Best JtF.