The Word Cloud

Todd Martin Mystery shopper 2 - fully loaded.

Spare a thought for those poor rich souls who don't know what they want - but they want it NOW!
Todd's back in town with a limitless mystery shopper Mondo card and he's ready to shake up the shopping experience.
Your wildest whim is Todd's command; one customer wants a rocket ship, another wants a planet!

Keeping up with the super rich's super-egos can be tough but Todd's so stupid he can bear it. Single handedly Todd soon brings the mystery shopping global giant OMG! to its knees, wins the Nigerian lottery (without buying a ticket) and has a tricky time explaining to love interest Nikki his lifetime supply of 'herbal' Viagra.

Expanding on the theme 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing,' you'll laugh, you'll cry and you will avert your eyes in alarm as Todd's misdirected mayhem keeps you mesmerised.

Todd Martin Mystery shopper 2 - fully loaded is a credit crisis caper that's unbelievably credible in this click through corporate consumer age.

Featuring: Keanu Reeves as Todd Martin with Angelina Jolie as Nikki

184 words

Crouching Canine, Foxy Feline

This gritty, hard hitting sequel updates the adventure to modern Hollywood. Action hero Arnold S. Van Damn stars in this feast of furiously paced action. Pale Chinese symbolism of imminent danger represented by crouching tigers is swept away when ex-marine Lance Lethal (Van Damn) discovers his family massacred, his house aflame, and a dog dumping on his front lawn. Lance’s own brand of justice sees a rocket launcher ends the dog’s dumping days for good.

The action accelerates when Lance learns his family were collateral damage in a failed attempt to kill Dog Control Officer, Susan Slinky (Charlize Knightly). Lance rescues Slinky by kidnapping her in her own dog van and escapes in a hail of bullets and multiple deaths among innocent bystanders.

Lance and Slinky, a recovering alcoholic, shell-shocked ex-SEAL and cat lover, work to defeat the corrupt police commissioner, thwart his foul design for every dog in the city mess on random front lawns and extort millions from distraught homeowners, and blow up the half of the city without lawns in the process.

An enormous promotional budget, explosions and, depending on what the censors will let slip, sex will ensure this film’s commercial success.

I'm going along the theme of adult entertainment and erotica, mixed with a gritty war film... thinking of calling it :- Shaving Ryans Privates...

Sorry... had to...

Prequel to All the President's Men.

The FBI loses patience when Nixon misses the third court hearing in a row. Waterwait.

The King's Speech II: The Sssss... The Sss...The s...The Ssss...The Ss sss ss. Tttthe ss. Ssss... The Ss. The Ss ...aSetback.

N.B. Bring refreshments; it's a long film!

American Cycle

The 80's are over and Patrick Bateman is getting fed-up with life on Wall Street. Cocaine, business cards and high class hookers have lost their appeal, so our anti-hero Patrick decides a change of scenery is needed.

He heads to England, where he discovers ecstasy, football hooligans and Britpop. Everything is going swimmingly until a dodgy pill leaves him pondering the futility of it all. In a panic, he steals a BMX and makes for the newly opened Channl Tunnel.

He decides to try and get his old life back, but armed with just a fishing hat and a stolen bike, he has to try and make his way back to the US of A.

Christian Bale returns as Patrick Bateman, with a supporting cast including Justin Bieber, Russel Brand and Lady Gaga. Original Soundtrack by The Stone Roses.

Hostel Regurgitated, sponsored by Hammersmith Horror, is a…

CUT

No…not you…the girl. Damn it – CUT THE GIRL.

…budget movie starring Katie P Rice…

CUT

No…not Katie, you idiot – Jordan 2; the stand-in girl.

…and Hannibal Lecter…

CUT

Anthony, darling…no Axe budget – Bread knife? Scissors?

…set in rich modern…What? Oh…

…set in Richmond, the plot focuses on eleven substitute WAGS…

CUT

Get me another WAG…Anthony, darling…just a touch less heavy-handedness.

…who are invited to Stringfellows celebrity bash…What? Budget…Oh…

…invited to a murder hour at Haunted House Hostel. Haunted? Are you serious? Ah…it’s cheap…

CUT

Katie…your audience need to see BLOOD dripping over your torso…No, Anthony; don’t puncture the silicone – no insurance.

…One by one, the WAGS realise too late that a killer is amongst them – and they are the victims…

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Get me more blood buckets…Health and Safety be damned. Tea break? Katie, you are being cut into tiny pieces – after the rape scenes…OK? Sod Equity…I have a deadline to meet.

…Will Katie outwit...outwit? Oh yeah…

…Will Katie…er…

…er…Will Lecter kill Katie – or is there a twist? Like, if she survives? How do I know? The bloody script isn’t finished…why are you looking at me?

Hey…Quentin, don’t…

CUT

That’s a wrap.

THE VON TRAPPS GO TO HOLLYWOOD – long-awaited sequel to The Sound of Music.

The Von Trapps escape over the Alps to Switzerland, where they sit out the war with Max securing them gigs on the strength of ‘The Lonely Goatherd’ yodelling song. After hostilities cease, they’re called to Germany to entertain American troops in Berlin, where Edelweiss is remembered fondly by Austriophiles among the peace-loving Germans.

A GI from Los Angeles gets his record-producing ‘old man’ back in the States to sign them up and they move to Hollywood, where the lifestyle takes its toll on Captain Von Trapp who succumbs to booze and then drugs. Maria divorces him and marries a film producer called Blake, who puts her in his films and eventually persuades her to appear topless in one. The Captain sees this film and the shock pushes him over the edge. Dying from an overdose he sings with slurred speech, ‘So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodnight.’

Maria is devastated. Conscience-stricken, she leaves Blake and returns to the Austrian convent, knowing her children are all safe with parts in Beverley Hills 90210. The film ends with the Mother Superior singing, ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?’

[200 words]