The Word Cloud

I've made it past the mid point of my script and feel like its coming along really nicely. It's too long to post in full on the forum, so I wondered whether there's anyone who would be willing to read it through for me and give some critique.
Thanks
angeriana

Hi there,

Have just read your profile - I understand the obsessive thing! I've also just completed a script. How about if I have a look at yours, would you be interested in looking at mine? It's about the Russian writer Alexander Pushkin. I'm not much of a sci-fi person myself, but I guess if a lay person gets it, that's what you're aiming at...

Let me know if you're interested, and we can arrange to swap our respective masterpieces.

All the best,

Vero

Sorry to take so long to reply. I got sidetracked by self publishing my novel. I also went to see my regular critiquer and after a long discussion decided that the script needed some work. So I'm no further forward than I was. It'll be a while before I finish and feel it is ready for someone else to look at.
I'll contact you again when I'm ready.

cheers
Jackie

Yes please do. Why don't you send me a message when you're done, as I don't go on the cloud very often. I've just started on a piece of prose which will hopefully shape up into a novel. Will look forward to seeing your stuff though,

Vero

Okay, I'm all finished now, but want to concentrate on one aspect of my script for feedback. That is fight scenes at the end. How much detail should I put into a scene? Do I need to say where people stand what they do etc. or does the fight director do the choreographiong for you?

Below are a couple of extracts from my script which I'd like comments on, please.

Please excuer the poor formatting, I can't manage to centre the dialigue here on the forum without it centrering the whole thing.

Thanks
angeriana - keeping her fingers crossed that his actually posts without losing all the formatting and locking up her browser.

INT. GRESHAM HOUSE MAIN STAIRCASE - DUSK
Decelerating and panting for breath, Driscoll rubs his sore neck while he makes a decision. He then pulls out his gun, estimates where Callum is located and appears to shoot towards empty space. Callum decelerates and the bullet whooshes past his ear. Milly comes up behind Driscoll and manages to knock the weapon from his hand. There’s a scuffle and she grabs for the gun. It goes off shooting Driscoll in the chest. He falls backwards, tumbling down the ornate staircase.
Milly swings around, leans down and inspects Callum for injury.

MILLY
You lucky bastard. That was close.

She glances at her watch it says six fourteen.

MILLY (CONT’D)
We better get out of here.

CALLUM
What about Dr. Young?

MILLY
We’re out of time.

They hear shouting from below and look over the banister to see more guards ascending the staircase towards them, Kovac in the lead. Milly pushes Callum onward.

MILLY (CONT’D)
Go!

They charge up the corridor.

CUT TO:


And here's another scene:

EXT. ROOF OF GRESHAM HOUSE - NIGHT
Night is falling fast and the light has almost gone when Callum and Milly open an upper floor window and climb out onto the balcony that runs around the outer edge of the roof. Spots of rain start to fall as they lean over the stone balustrade. Flames can be seen lapping the lower levels of the building and the demolished orangery is below them. There is no way down, so Callum motions for Milly to follow him and heads towards one wing of the house. They use a guttering down pipe to climb onto the roof proper and head across the undulating expanse of copper flashing.
They suddenly come face to face with Kovac.

KOVAC
What do I need to do to get you people off my back?

MILLY
Give it up, Kovac. This place is finished. You’re finished.

KOVAC
Oh no Millicent. It’s your pointless campaign that’s over, not me. I have insurance. Two thousand brats living out their existence in the camps. If you can call it an existence.

Milly looks angry enough to explode.

MILLY
Leave those kids out of this.

KOVAC
Who’s gonna stop me? You and your bunch of misfits?

MILLY
(screaming aggressively)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

She lunges towards Kovac. Callum sighs and joins in the fracas.
They fight with him across the roof as the intensity of the rain increases. At first it seems that Kovac has the upper hand, but gradually the advantage of there being two of them turns the situation around. Slowly they herd him towards the edge of the building. Kovac glances over the balustrade. We do not see what he’s looking at. A smile spreads across his face.

KOVAC
(Sarcastic)
Looks like I’ve come to the end of the line.

Milly and Callum stop their advance as Kovac sits on the balustrade, swings his legs over the edge and prepares to jump.

MILLY
(concern)
No. Don’t. We can work this out.

KOVAC
Too late.

He gives them a cheeky wave and jumps.

They rush to the balustrade and attempt to look over the edge, but flames and smoke obscure their view.

CALLUM
I never thought he was the type to do the honourable thing.

MILLY
There’s nothing honourable about suicide.

CALLUM
Well, he’s gone and I can’t say I’m sorry.

Callum looks about, then points further along the roof at an outside fire escape.

CALLUM (CONT’D)
Come on Mills.

They run across the roof, their feet splashing in the ever-increasing puddles, then start their decent towards the ground.

CUT TO:

Dear Angenana,

you could break some of the action like this:

EXT. ROOF OF GRESHAM HOUSE - NIGHT
- Callum and Milly climb gingerly out onto the balcony as rain buckets down then:

- Callum motions for Milly to follow him as flames eagerly devour the lower floors then:

- They use a guttering pipe to climb down then:

- they come face to face with Kovak

remember to keep the dialogue tight in these stress situations. Is Milly's watch at 6:14 relevant to the exit - a time pressure? otherwise it's on-the-nose that they gotta get outta there !
I wouldn't worry to put every aspect into the action tags as it breaks the pace. Look at a few James Bond screenplays to see how some of their action scenes are underwritten

best JtF

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, they had exactly 15 minutes in that earlier scene before the power came back on and caused the explosion which started the fire. I'll try to tighten up the dialogue a little.

Angeriana

I know it will be a lot different understanding the full plot, but I don't get why Milly is concerned that Kovac is jumping from the building? She was just trying to kill him wasn't she? Saying that, it does sound good, pictured it clearly in my mind, sort of in the filming style of prison break as it has a very similar feel to it. (I don't know if it was a for a film or serial drama, but I'm seeing the latter). I am also guessing that it isn't the last we would see of Kovac, he sounds like it is a plan or setup - but again, maybe that is just because I am watching Prison Break at the moment and everything is like a big conspiracy!

Nice work though :)