The Word Cloud

Hi all,

Hi there. To get any resemblence to script formatting you have to save a version into wordpad before pasting on here (to get rid of all the word or programme headers) Good luck ~ JtF

Thanks JtF!

Hi Stef. This has promise, but the formatting needs tightening up a little.
At the beginning you say that she has a flashback during her dream. The first paragraph is the dream and you need either a fade or cut between that and the flashback then back to the dream before she wakes up. In fact, you need CUT TO etc between each scene.
Secondly, I'm not sure about this, but I think you only need the name of a character to be in capitols when you first mention them and for the dialogue.
Sometimes your description of the character's appearance is not clear. Make sure you proof read for gramatical errors.
Lastly, you need to work on character voice so that each person sounds individual and distrinct from the others.
These are all easy things to fix. Most importantly, you've got the beginnings of a story here. Just remember the show don't tell rule.
Good luck with sending to the BBC. I plan to do the same with my script which is now finished.

Angeriana

Hey there

If the BBC take on my script the cloud will be one of the first places I'll post the news.

I use final draft 8 software and love it. It makes screen writing so easy as it does all the formatting for you.

Keep going. Today I looked over my dialogue once again and think I've cracked it. I'm not one of those people who fiddles with my writing indefinately. I like to call a project finished and then do something positive with it. Even if there are rejections, I can't fault myself for trying.

Angie

If the BBC take on my script the cloud will be one of the first places I'll post the news.

I use final draft 8 software and love it. It makes screen writing so easy as it does all the formatting for you.

Keep going. Today I looked over my dialogue once again and think I've cracked it. I'm not one of those people who fiddles with my writing indefinately. I like to call a project finished and then do something positive with it. Even if there are rejections, I can't fault myself for trying.

Angie

I looked up software for screenwriting but most are out of my price range. So I' am doing it by hand, hand made ha!

I guess you could call it science-fiction thriller. The closest thing I've found to watch is the Bourne conspiracy. Relative Velocity : The UK has been infected by a new type of matter released during an accident at a particle accelerator. The daughter of the physicist involved carries the cure within her body. She must decide whether to continue being used as a human guinea pig, or to escape and join a bunch of renegades determined to expose her father’s deadly secrets. Are family ties more important than the truth? that sums it up. Angeriana

That sounds really intriguing, I love a good science fiction film. Yours sound really promising!! The way you say, Are family ties more important than the truth? is a really great hook!

I live fairly close to Thorpe park, but I've not heard of a haunting there.

They were building a new ride and disturb a burial ground dating back the A.D period. It's do to with the monk's walk, I've been doing a lot research. They had paranormal investigation etc.

Dear Stephanie,
I use Scriptsmart downloadable for free here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scriptsmart/index.shtml

Had a go with Celtx but was inputting previous material and this was only possible as (unformatted) text so would have been quicker to re-type it!
I'm guessing the above is really a first draft (although they're all called that !!) and I'd suggest you put just a tag more hook into the dream/accident/flashback - maybe not all - but enough to start us off with a jolt.
Would a drunken father cook breakfast? - or just burn the toast as he swigs back a "heartstarter"
(Memories of a VIP at York who didn't want breakfast as he'd already had two pints of Guiness)

Certainly unless you've created the scenes there's nothing to edit - and editing is a separate process - so maybe get a fair chunk down; let it rest and then edit hard for pace and tension. Good Luck ~ JtF

Thank you JtF! I didn't realize they had free script write stuff, maybe, thats because i was too busy reading everything else ha! The father is a alcoholic but he has a beer in the morning with his breakfast, i say up to five beers a day. just to cope but he has a wake up call soon enough. I'm going to work on that beginning, I was trying to figure out how to, intertwine a flashback, the daughter running then the dream.

INT. BUILDING SITE- MONRING STILL

- LOCKER ROOM.

The locker room is quiet and empty; DEREK is standing alone at his locker changing into his builders gear. He looks into the mirror for a moment and sees the photo of his WIFE and LILA. DEREK reaches up and touches the photo.

(BANG)

DEREK is startled.

DEREK

Hello

(No answer)

DEREK

JEFF is that you?

(No answer)

DEREK looks back at his WIFE again.

(BANG AND WHISPERING)

The locker room darkens and DEREK closes his locker, curiously moves towards the WHISPERING.

DEREK

Hello

DEREK carefully pears from behind the locker’s and stares into a darken corner of the room.

(WHISPERING BECOMES LOUDER)

JEFF:

Boo

JEFF DARLSON is pushing late forties; greyish hair and stocky build, jumps on DEREK from behind.

DEREK

You JERK!

JEFF laughs.

JEFF

I’m so sorry but I had to. I wish I took a picture.

DEREK

It is NOT funny

DEREK straightened his t- shirt and shoves JEFF out of the way.

JEFF

Hey come on. What was that for? You really need to lighten up!

DEREK

I need- I need (sighs) I don’t know what I need anymore.

JEFF stares at him, confused.

JEFF

Are you coming out with us tonight? I know it is only Wednesday but it is karaoke night and the boys are going to share some scary stories and…

DEREK

And?

JEFF

SALLY will be there!

DEREK smiles sheepishly at the mention of SALLY. Not knowing whether to be pleased or ashamed.

DEREK

I don’t know JEFF. I’m trying to change and SALLY, its impropriate. My daughter would grill me if she knew. LILA doesn’t need that right now, I’ve screwed up as it is.

JEFF

We all screw up sometimes. The offer is there.

DEREK

Thanks

DEREK shakes JEFFS hand and then pats him on the back, JEFF leaves and DEREK is alone. He opens the locker again for his helmet and took another glance at his wife.

DEREK

I’m going to change Aerial, I will change.

- I'm not sure of this scene.

You have some good characterisation coming through here. Say to youreself, 'does every line of dialgue mean something or add to the story'?

Thank you! :)

You are welcome. I don't know whether my advice is any good, but I can say honestly what I think about the plot, dialogue and characters. We don't improve unless we try.

EXT. BUILDING SITE- DAY

A new ride is being built at a popular theme park. DEREK reaches into his tool box but can’t find his spanner. He turn’s and looks at JEFF.

DEREK

Have you seen my spanner?

JEFF

Is it not in the tool box?

DEREK

No. it was here this morning because I had been using it.

JEFF

I haven’t seen it mate. Maybe the ghost took it?

DEREK

Don’t start. You know I don’t believe in that crap.

JEFF

I’m just saying. You’ve heard the stories. Well, most of them.

DEREK

I don’t get a kick out of stupid stories.

JEFF

No, because you get your kicks elsewhere.

DEREK:

It’s not like that

JEFF

(Chuckles)

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you blush.

DEREK

I’m not blushing, just frustrated.

DEREK stands to stretch his legs.

JEFF

(Sniggers)

Is sally not putting out?

DEREK

Jeff, please.

JEFF laughs and stands at DEREK’s side, patting his back.

JEFF

Come out tonight

DEREK

I’ll think about it.

JEFF shrugs and gets back to work. DEREK searches more in his tool box, frustrated that he may have lost his spanner. Then DEREK hears WHSIPERING again.

(A BUILDER SHOUTS)

DEREK looks in the direction of a builder shouting.

BUILDER ONE

(In shock)

Please. Someone help him.

DEREK turns to JEFF and other builders rush to the BUILDER’s aid.

DEREK

What’s going on?

JEFF raises his shoulders and follows DEREK and the other builders. DEREK is at the scene and pushes through the crowd, to see the commotion. Another builder has collapsed.

BUILDER ONE

Help him.

BUILDER TWO

What happened?

On the floor the builder was unconscious and BUILDER ONE was in shock. BUILDER TWO checked the unconscious builders pulse.

BUILDER ONE

I heard whispering and saw- something behind him. But it had vanished- then he collapsed and started to fit.

DEREK’s eyes widened from what he had heard. The builders begin to panic and some start to leave.

BUILDER TWO

What did you see?

BUILDER ONE

I don’t know. I don’t know.

BUILDER TWO

Someone phone an ambulance now!

Builders begin to scatter and JEFF calls for an ambulance. BUILDER TWO covers the unconscious builder with a heat blanket. DEREK looks down at the unconscious builder.

FADE TO

- I gave shot with some intensity and drama, how does it feel to you?

Sorry for the delay in comments, my sister's wedding got in the way of things. The drama feels fine, but there's lots of mention of builder one and builder two and the builder who collapsed. I find it a little confusing. Perhaps give them names to make it clearer. I still feel that your scene is dominated by lots of dialogue and the whispering needs to be played up a bit. Maybe he looks about, and we are told how the area is clear of people. Then his head goes down and it happens again. Where did they get a heat blanket? Did someone come running over with a first aid kit? It may be a personal thing, but I'd like a little more detail to help me get a feel for what people are doing in the scene not just what they're saying. On the plus side, you are building character well here with the banter between the two men. Keep it up.

FADE IN.

EXT. WOODS- NIGHT

LILA DANIELS, (15) is running with full force through dark woods. Flash of memory with her mother invade her mind as she continues to run further into the dark.

INTER CUT: FLASHBACK

Lila at twelve years old holding a birthday cake for her mother and both her father and Lila sing happy birthday.

CUT TO: WOODS- NIGHT

Lila is still running in and around trees.

INTERCUT: FLASHBACK

Moments later, Lila’s mother is standing at the sink. Lila is holding the camcorder and giggles as she approaches her mother.

LILA

Mummy, mummy

Then, Lila’s mother collapses.

LILA

(Screams)

Mummy!!

CUT TO: WOODS- NIGHT

Lila looks back quickly but loses her footing. She trips and falls hard into the coarse dry mud. Everything goes completely black.

CUT TO: THE BEDROOM- DUSK

Lila wake’s suddenly from a recurring dream, panting, sweating. Her head thuds and place’s her hand to her forehead, feeling a tiny butterfly stitched cut above her eyebrow.

It took a moment for Lila realize it was a dream, looking around the bedroom she could see the dawning sun through her blind. She lay back down and twisted her body, facing the digital clock and notices she had woken an hour too early.

- I changed the beginning. Does this sound better? or look better? lol

Yes, much more action in and out of the dream sequence. Be careful not to muddle up your tenses. Sometime syou write in the present and sometimes the past tense. Keep up the good work.

It's a habit, that present and past tense thing I do. I don't know I' am doing it lol

Hi Steph

Lila wake’s suddenly from a recurring dream, panting, sweating. Her head thuds and place’s her hand to her forehead, feeling a tiny butterfly stitched cut above her eyebrow.

This paragraph is missing the word she...


It took a moment for Lila realize it was a dream, looking around the bedroom she could see the dawning sun through her blind. She lay back down and twisted her body, facing the digital clock and notices she had woken an hour too early.

It's this paragraph that feels wrong to me. I'm cwertainly no expert on any of this, but shouldn't it be it 'Takes' a moment? and she 'lies back'?

angeriana