The Word Cloud

Kindling Books Incorporated has a technology problem. Its e-book files have been corrupted by a virus placed into its software by its retail rival, Walter Sloans. As a result, many of its books have become mixed up; chapters by Dostoevsky have become part of The Gruffalo, Pride and Prejudice is now combined with Lolita…It’s a right old e-mess.

However, the cunning boss of Kindling has a plan. Victory can be salvaged from adversity by way of clever marketing. Let’s pretend this was a brilliant scheme to invent a new genre!

All that remains is for Kindling’s team of editorial wizzes to write new Blurbs for the books. The technique they decide upon is that old chestnut, X meets Y.

For example:

Poor orphan boy Oliver begins life in the workhouse. Hungry and penniless, he is cast out when he has the audacity to request more food. Alone and on the streets, he meets The Artful Dodger and they become firm friends.

But Dodger has a secret. He plays for Arsenal football club, a team managed by Fagin, a mysterious svengali. Dodger is vital to Arsenal’s 1988/89 league campaign. He sets out to get Oliver recruited as a team mate and before too long, Oliver’s natural speed makes him a first team regular. But will his talent be enough to help the side secure the league title? And what of Paul, the club’s biggest fan, and his on-off relationship with Sarah that seems governed by his team’s successes and failures? Will Sarah pick his pocket and make an honest man of him?

CHARLES DICKENS meets NICK HORNBY in FEVER TWIST, a tale of a top football club and its supporters as they come face to face with London’s street gangs.

Link any two (well-known) authors/books and come up with your own X meets Y blurb. Word limit is 200, extra points for the strangest combination of genres or titles.

Enjoy!

Are we talking a mash up, as the young people say?

TFx

Why, yes. I do believe we are. The winning entry will be the most well wicked.

Innit.

In a dystopian view of the future, a nihilist gang invent their own language of violence and then go fishing for tiddlers with four ragamuffins who take them home for tea.

That made me laugh! I have to butt in and say that reminded me of a time when, for reasons to obscure to mention, I was saying that the Dutch football team wear orange, and that the protestants in Northern Ireland are called 'orange men' because they were once helped out by a Dutch monarch. A bloke interrupted ma at the point to say,
'Oh yes, wasn't that Jason of Orange?' And, after I drew breath I replied,
'No, Jason of Orange was in Take That.'
But what a vision of the efite pop erchin on a horse, urging on his troops!

But I loved your mash up John, great stuff!

Ha - are we opening up a free for all? Cheer leaders and all that?

You volunteering to get the pom-poms out, Stephen?

Sorry, folks but another one just popped into my head.

Harry stared so fondly at the building that now lay in ruins. The years of tender memories and now the distress and pain of the recent battle filled his heart.

Relief swept over him as he saw his friends in the distance. He turned to make his way over the debris, but was met by the broody dark eyed and dazzling skin of Edward.

Edward stood silhouetted in the morning sunlight, his silhouette making him seem larger than normal as the sun shimmered off Hogwarts lake.

Harry new his mind would give away his affection for Bella, he had tried to conceal it for so long but now the battle was over there was only one thing left to win.

He raised his wand as he muttered the only curse he knew that could subdue a vampire. ‘Contollious deadious’

His wand was ripped from his fingers but the spell had worked. The look of horror and surprise immerged from Edward as he was frozen like stone inches from Harry’s face.

Harry knelt down and picked up his wand. He turned it slowly in his hand as he muttered ‘Perfect killing machine? Perfect new gargoyle for Hogwarts!’

(196)

Harry Potter vs Edward Cullen

Beirut on 10 Rounds a day.. Andy McNabb takes on Bill Bryson. travel writting meets action hero..... Nick Stone met Bryson at the airport and presented him with the mission profile, a bullet-proof vest in a hawaiian shirt pattern, a guide book and a book of vouchers for a discount on any ransom demands should he get taken hostage. Nick dropped off Bill in the Shite (or is that Sunni?) section of town at a reasonably priced and bullet proof 3 scimitar rated hotel/bunker. Bill checked in and was taken to his cell on the fifth floor where the fragrances of the fauna and faceas of Lebanon are not as prevalent. After settling in and reviewing his guidebook a bit, Bill made his plans to get in some sightseeing in between the contract killing. He called Stone on his cell phone (the phone in his cell) and arranged to have a coffee that afternoon. As he made his way out of the hotel, Bill stopped by to inform Front Desk that the toilet in the lift appears to not be flushing properly.... Stone meet Bill at the Shite (or is that Sunni) Coffee House on Rue du Misericorde. Stone had a double espresso. Bill had a hawaiian cocktail in keeping cover with his shirt/bullet-proof vest disguise. Bill asked if they had much time to kill here or just people.

Beirut on 10 Rounds a day.. Andy McNabb takes on Bill Bryson.

Travel writter meets action hero.....

Nick Stone met Bryson at the airport and presented him with the mission profile, a bullet-proof vest in a hawaiian shirt pattern, a guide book and a book of vouchers for a discount on any ransom demands should he get taken hostage.

Nick dropped off Bill in the Shite (or is that Sunni?) section of town at a reasonably priced and bullet proof 3 scimitar rated hotel/bunker. Bill checked in and was taken to his cell on the fifth floor where the fragrances of the fauna and faceas of Lebanon are not as prevalent.

After settling in and reviewing his guidebook a bit, Bill made his plans to get in some sightseeing in between the contract killing. He called Stone on his cell phone (the phone in his cell) and arranged to have a coffee that afternoon.

As he made his way out of the hotel, Bill stopped by to inform Front Desk that the toilet in the lift appears to not be flushing properly....

Stone met Bill at the Shite (or is that Sunni) Coffee House on Rue du Misericorde. Stone had a double espresso. Bill had a hawaiian cocktail in keeping cover with his shirt/bullet-proof vest disguise. Bill asked if they had much time to kill here or just people.



(reformatted to firefox)

In a disturbingly dystopian prediction of the future, Arthur Dent must deal with ongoing survelience, Vogon poetry, and the contradictory sloganism or the party, in this, George adams most unsettlingly humorous work.

Tom has a secret. Every night when the downstairs clock chimes thirteen, he opens the back door and escapes to a magical world full of flowers and small, blue, thieving gardeners.

While Tom plays with his friend, Hattie, the blue gardeners carry on with their business, muttering 'Seedlins!', Ach, fork it', and 'do ye no have a deep-fried mars bar, the noo?'

In a scene that will delight children of all ages, Hattie teaches Tom to ice-skate on a frozen river as the wee blue gardeners complain about pruning their hardy lumbago.

The Wee Free Garden is a joyous mix of Phillipa Pearce and Terry Pratchett in a poignant, blood-curdling story of secateurs, garden twine and maturity - because, whether we are ten years old or ten centimeters tall, we all have to grow up, sometime.

A highly recommended book from the author of:
A Tree Grows In Ankh-Morpork

and

How Green Was My Discworld

"Travel writter meets action hero....." -Just read this one. Soooo good. Gets my vote.

Just a quick reminder that there's only a few days left of July; any other competition entries?

A young girl is sent by her poor parents to seek fortune with a rich cousin.

Instead of taking care of her though, Alec takes advantage of Tess before depositing her on a remote island with only a rotting pig's head for company.

Thomas Hardy meets William Golding in 'Tess of the flies'.

Bella Swan is on the run. After drawing the affections of Edward Cullen, a local vampire, and Jacob Black, a werewolf she has known since a young age, she can't handle the pressure of being a teenager in love. In desperation, she flees across the Atlantic and ends up in Edinburgh. Little does she know, this is where her problems are only beginning.

Having no money and nowhere to live she falls in with the wrong crowd and starts dabbling with hard drugs. Before long she has fallen pregnant with local thug Francis Begbie's child, although she is secretely in love with his best friend Spud Murphy. Again finding herself torn between two lovers, she falls deeper into her addiction with heroin.

Realising she is in grave danger, Edward and Jacob team up and make their way to the Scottish capital. But are their combined powers enough to defeat a group of Hibs casuals and the power of smack? Will Bella stay faithful to Begbie, will she listen to her heart and move in with Spud or will she finally settle down with one of the American monsters?

A tale of love, drugs, teen pregnancy and supernatural beings, “Twilightspotting: A New Fix”. (Not available at any good bookshops.)

Antonio Corelli is a captain in the Italian Army. After losing a court battle against Mandras Wennerstrom, Corelli is kicked off Cephalonia and sent to Hedeby Island in Sweden. There he meets Lisbeth Salander, daughter of Iannis, the island’s doctor.

Inexplicably, the two are drawn to each other. Young, sexy Lisbeth admires aging Corelli’s charisma while he admires her body art. It’s as unlikely a match since Beauty and the Beast or since Louis de Bernieres met Stieg Larsson.

Together they set out to solve the mysteries uncovered by Vanger’s niece, Harriet in the vain hope that will lead them to her. Instead they find themselves fighting the Nazis which tears them apart. Lisbeth soon realises that she is no match for Corelli’s first love, his mandolin.

She rides off into the sunset riding her motorbike while Corelli lonely strums away at his instrument; meanwhile Harriet turns up in Australia. Who’d have thought it?

Captain Corelli’s Dragon Tattoo is a work of art you will not find anywhere else.

Thought I had this....

Nice one MM, you deserve it.


Is there a second place award?

Off to sulk.......

Prop

I've just been rubbish this month, must try and think of an entry!

A talented young electrical goods salesman from a terrace in Newcastle was once shut in the outside lavvie for a whole year with a crust of Hovis. But now he's a man, and cruelly leaves his childhood sweetheart for a woman who has wealth, a title and silk underwear. Her inhibitions fall away, sparks fly and currents of passion flow as he demonstrates the correct use of electrical appliances.

As July reaches its less than blistering end, any more for any more?

Thought this was a pretty good comp, it's a shame there hasn't been many entries. Everyone must be on their summer holidays....

The Bear of the Rings, by A.A. and J.R.R. Tolkien-Milne

Pooh, a bear of very little brain, finds a magic ring that makes him invisible, but Gandalf the Wise old wol (who can spell) tells him it’s dangerous; he must go on an expetition and have it destroyed in the Mines of Mordor, which are further into Hundred Acre Wood than he has ever ventured before. Pooh sets out with friends, Roo and Piglet Took, but he is followed secretly by a strange emaciated creature nicknamed Gollum, also known as Tigger who bounces around on his stripy tail and craves to have the ring – his ‘precious’ – for himself. Also searching for the ring are fearsome equine-like creatures known as Ring Wraiths. Their leader, Eeyore, a manic depressive, does his utmost to re-capture the ring before it can be destroyed (but is pessimistic about succeeding).

The friends have many adventures and narrow escapes, often aided by Gandalf, the wol, who flies to them with cryptic advice from time to time that is quite lost on what little there is of Pooh’s brain. In the end it’s Gollum/Tigger, whose out of control bouncing accidentally knocks the ring out of Pooh’s grasp and into the bottomless mine, to its final destruction.

[198 words]