The Word Cloud

For my second script, I'm adapting a frriend's novel. He is a very verbose writer and the book contains long passages when the hero agonises over his personal conflicts etc. I cannot show this in a screen play, but I do need to keep him happy that his characters are developing the way he originally intended. I've taken some of the dialogue from the novel and edited it down rather a lot, but still find long dialogue-led scenes are the best way for the characters to come to life. I'd really appreciate it if someone could give me a little feedback as to whether these opening scenes work.

Thanks
Angeriana
WARNING - The content of this script is adult in nature with a lot of swearing.

Paralell Lines

FADE IN:

EXT. DESERTED SMALL-TOWN HIGH STREET - NIGHT

The door of a pub swings open and a scantily dressed TEENAGER, female 16, staggers out. In a comical, over exaggerated manner she topples sideways and loses her right shoe. After a few lopsided steps the disparity of the remaining high heel impacts on her and she stops dead. Turning around she retrieves the shoe, removes the other one and walks in bare feet up the high street.

CUT TO:

EXT. BUSTLING HIGH STREET - NIGHT

JAKE LARIS, male 16, is something of a pretty boy. He wears budget clothes with a swagger of real style and moves with the arrogance that comes from knowing he turns heads. Jake steps from a crowded bar, waving and smiling as the door swings closed behind him. He appears to be drunk. Polishing the front of his shoes alternately on the back leg of his jeans, Jake strides soberly up the street with a self-satisfied grin.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDE ROAD OF SMALL TOWN - NIGHT

The teenage girl lurches drunkenly around the corner and partially crosses the road.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDE ROAD JUST OFF BUSTLING HIGH STREET - NIGHT

Jake walks jauntily around the corner and crosses the road.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDE ROAD OF SMALL TOWN - NIGHT

Noticing the white lines, the teenager starts to walk up the middle of the road with arms outstretched like she is walking a tightrope.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDE ROAD JUST OFF BUSTLING HIGH STREET - NIGHT

Jake pauses in the centre of the road. He stares at the white lines as if they are familiar to him, then shakes his head.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDE ROAD OF SMALL TOWN - NIGHT

The teenager drops her shoe again, swears and bends down to pick it up. A man’s hand - STELLMAN, male 45, wearing dark clothes, his face half covered and not clearly identifiable - grabs the shoe as she reaches for it.

TEENAGE GIRL

What the fuck? What’ya doing?

Saying nothing Stellman gives her a disapproving look.

TEENAGE GIRL (CONT’D)
What’s it to you? Ya not me dad.

Stellman remains silent and walks away carrying the shoe. The girl follows him.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDE ROAD OF SMALL TOWN - NIGHT

Stellman has led the girl up the road and into a lay by where he pauses beside a parked car. He turns around and clicks the electronic car key.

TEENAGE GIRL
Hey, this isn’t funny. Gimme that back.

Stellman drops the shoe onto the tarmac and she leans down to pick it up. He springs forward, a hyperdermic in his hand, and injects her in the upper arm.

TEENAGE GIRL (CONT’D)
Ow! What’ya doing?

She starts to stagger even more, her legs buckling under her.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDE ROAD JUST OFF BUSTLING HIGH STREET - NIGHT

Jake is passing a bus stop crowded with people. He grabs at his upper arm.

JAKE
Ouch!

He staggers for a moment as if his legs are about to give way. The people at the bus stop fall silent and stare.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDE ROAD OF SMALL TOWN - NIGHT

TEENAGE GIRL
What the fuck’ve you done...

The teenager collapses unconscious into Stellman’s arms, he opens the car door and bundles her onto the back seat.

FADE TO:

INT. CELLAR - NIGHT

The teenage girl wakes to find herself strapped to a table in the centre of a dark cellar. She is naked, her body bruised. Contusions clogged with dried blood cover her arms and torso. She strains to look about her then freezes as her eyes see a dark figure in the shadows.

TEENAGE GIRL
No more... please no more...

She screams.

CUT TO:

INT. JAKE’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Jake wakes with a start to the shrill sound of the alarm. He moans, switches it off and rolls over.

CUT TO:

INT. DAMON’S BEDROOM - MORNING

DAMON JACKSON, male 15 - although he dresses like he’s 12 - walks into the room to find his mother, ELIZABETH JACKSON, female 42, packing a case. The room is immaculate. A neat pile of folded clothes lie on the bed.

ELIZABETH JACKSON
Pants, vest, sweater, socks, Superman PJ’s. Can’t have you freezing to death out there.

Damon gives her a 'whatever' look and crosses over to the desk. He picks up some paperwork pertaining to a student seminar and places them into a leather briefcase.

His mother finishes packing his things and reaches onto a shelf above the bed where she finds a scruffy old teddy bear.

ELIZABETH JACKSON (CONT’D)

I remember when you used to take Archie everywhere.

DAMON
No Mum, Please. I’ll be the laughing stock of...

ELIZABETH JACKSON
(Talking across Damon)
Even at Grandma’s house you couldn’t sleep without him.

Elizabeth Jackson prepares to put the bear into his case. Damon starts to protest when there’s a cough from the doorway. Damon looks up to see his father BOB JACKSON, male 45, leaning on the door jam. He gives Damon a ‘do it to please your mother look’. Damon nods his agreement, takes the bear and hides it beneath the clothes in the case. Elizabeth Jackson gives him a motherly pat on the arm.

ELIZABETH JACKSON (CONT’D)
My little boy’s growing up so fast. How will I cope without him?

DAMON
(despairingly)
It’s only a week!

ELIZABETH JACKSON
(ignoring him)
University looming on the horizon. Soon he’ll vanish into that depraved world and forget all about his poor old Mum and Dad back home.

She sniffs back tears and rushes from the room

ELIZABETH JACKSON (CONT’D)
How will I cope?

CUT TO:

INT. JAKE’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Jake sits in his underpants on the edge of the bed. It is a typical teenagers room with debris strewn across the floor and furniture. A pile of tangled clothes surround his feet. He holds a half empty bottle of vodka in his hands. Reaching out with his leg, he catches his toe around the strap of a rucksack and drags it towards him with the least effort possible. His mother JUDY LARIS, female 37, can be heard climbing the stairs.

JUDY LARIS O.C.
(calling)
Have you packed yet, Jacob?

Jake jumps, stuffs the vodka inside the rucksack and pushes some of the clothes on top.

JAKE
Just finishing now, Mum.

The door flies open and Judy Laris enters the room. Jake grabs a pair of jeans and uses them to cover himself.

JAKE (CONT’D)
You promised you’d knock.

JUDY LARIS
No, Jacob. We promised to respect your privacy if you respected our house. And that includes taking care of yourself and your chores.

She sniffs the air and looks about at the debris, then crosses the room, pulls back the curtains and opens a window. While her back is turned, Jake puts on the jeans in his hands. Turning back around, Judy’s eyes settle on Jake.

JUDY LARIS (CONT’D)
I know it’s been hard since your... since you got ill. You were up all night again. I heard you thumping around at three o'clock.

JAKE
I'm fine.

JUDY LARIS
Well you don't look it. Maybe your meds are out of balance. You have remembered to pack them? How do you find anything living in this tip?

Jake stands, steps over the pile of clothes and retrieves two boxes of medication from beneath paperwork on the untidy desk. He returns to sit on the bed putting the medication down beside him. Judy nods and looks at her watch.

JUDY LARIS (CONT’D)
You have fifteen minutes. I don’t know how you talked us into this.

As soon as she’s left the room, Jake continues to dress. He searches for one of his shoes on the floor and under the bed.

JUDY LARIS (CONT’D) O.C.
(calling)
And don’t leave laundry in your room. Put it in the basket where it belongs.

Jake snatches up clothes and other items and throws them onto the bed. With a frown, he pulls the quilt over the mess and smooths it down. He doesn’t notice the two boxes of medication tangled in the quilt cover. Satisfied that the bedroom is as tidy as its going to get, he picks up the rucksack and strides from the room.

CUT TO:

INT. OPEN PLAN KITCHEN/DINER JAKE’S HOUSE - MORNING

Jake trots down the stairs carrying the rucksack. His mother sits at the table reading a news paper. The table is laid for breakfast. His father JOHN LARIS, male 40, is watching a news broadcast on the TV. The screen shows a picture of the teenager kidnapped in the opening scene.

JOHN LARIS
(to no one in particular)
So they've worked out the connection at last. They're all children! Best minds in the country and all they could come up with was that?

Jake has paused on the bottom tread of the stairs. His father looks at him.

JOHN LARIS (CONT’D)
I'm not at all happy about this trip. There’s been another one taken. That makes six victims in six weeks.

JAKE
You can’t... Not now.

Jake looks for support from his mother.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Mum?

JOHN LARIS
I’m surprised the organisers are going ahead. Parents all over the country are worried sick.

Ignoring his father, Jake sits down beside his mother at the table

JAKE
(talking to his mother)
I’m sure they are, but they’ve sold out to the fear. You haven’t.

JUDY LARIS
Jacob’s right, John. Who ever these people are, they’re terrorists. They’re trying to bully this country into a state of total panic.

JOHN LARIS
And they’re succeeding.

JUDY LARIS
I’ve heard you say before, that no one should give into irrational fear.

John Laris looks angrily towards his wife.

JUDY LARIS (CONT’D)
Jake’s a sensible ... Well, some of the time he’s...

She sighs.

JAKE
Look, Dad. Dean’s brother is picking me up, we’re meeting Mike from the station. There’s twenty thousand people at the site, strict security and live broadcasts on TV. Do you seriously think they’ll be able to snatch anyone from there?

JUDY LARIS
Taking immature and stupid risks are all part of growing up. All boys of his age go through... It’s natural, it’s normal... We need some normality around here, even if it does get him murdered.

There is the sound of a car horn from outside. Jake jumps up, grabs a piece of toast and heads for the door. His father follows him.

JOHN LARIS
(mumbling to himself)
Can’t win even in my own house.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE JAKE’S HOUSE - DAY

Jake is greeted by DEAN, male 16, who jumps excitedly from the front seat of the car. His brother, ETHAN, male 21, winds down the car window.

ETHAN
Hi Jake. Mr Laris. Stash your bag in the back.

DEAN
We thought maybe you wouldn’t be coming.

JAKE
I nearly wasn’t.

Jake opens the tailgate of the car. It’s packed with camping equipment. He struggles to squash his rucksack inside. Mr. Laris approaches.

JOHN LARIS
Your mother means well.

JAKE
She’s a f... bloody nightmare.

With the rucksack stowed, John Laris slams the tailgate angrily.

JOHN LARIS
Grow up, will you. For once in your life appreciate the seriousness of your situation.

JAKE
I do Dad. Every time I take another of those fucking pills.

Jake climbs into the back of the car, quickly followed by Dean and it drives away.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE BUSY RAILWAY STATION - DAY

Ethan’s car pulls up. The passenger door opens and Jake climbs out. Dean leans out of the open window. There is a sizeable crowd milling about outside the station including a high police presence. Parked in the distance is Damon’s parent’s car. They are seen in the background unloading his suitcase.

JAKE
Wait here. I’ll check on Mike’s train.

He heads towards the station building.

DEAN
(calling after him)
Don’t forget the booze.

Jake waves and strides away.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE BUSY RAILWAY STATION - DAY

Damon is being dragged towards the station building by his mother. She holds his suitcase in one hand and him in the other. He looks embarrassed and clutches his briefcase tightly to his chest as if he could hide his identity behind it.

With eyes cast down, Damon doesn’t see where he is going and walks into Jake. Jake drops the carrier bag he was holding and two bottles of vodka fall out and roll across the tarmac. He stoops to pick them up. Damon’s mother looks disgusted.

ELIZABETH JACKSON
I thank God, Damon, that you’re not one of those depraved hooligans. His parents probably don’t even care if he’s snatched off the streets.

She pushes Damon forward and he gives Jake an apologetic smile.

MIKE, male 16, walks up and slaps Jake on the back. He’s carrying a holdall and sleeping bag.

MIKE
Poor fucking kid. Fancy having a cow of a mother like that.

Laughing they walk towards Ethan’s car.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN CARRIAGE - DAY

Elizabeth Jackson chooses a seat for her son.

ELIZABETH JACKSON
This should do. Out of the way of drafts, close enough to the guard to call for help.

She places the suitcase carefully in the luggage rack. Outside the whistle is blown as the train prepares to depart.

ELIZABETH JACKSON (CONT’D)
I know you’ll make us very proud.

She bends down to kiss him goodbye as a JOE, female 16, barges onto the train. She’s dressed as a Goth with spiky black hair, dark make up and many piercings. Noticing Damon, she slumps down onto the seat opposite him and winks.

ELIZABETH JACKSON (CONT’D)
And if you make friends, make sure they’re the right type.

Glancing back towards Joe, Elizabeth Jackson hurriedly leaves the train and it pulls out of the station.

Joe reaches towards Damon and pulls at his shirt collar.

DAMON
Hey!

JOE
Just checking if mummy wrote your name in there... So?

DAMON
So what?

JOE
What’s your name.

DAMON
Damon. Damon Jackson.

JOE
And where’s mummy’s little boy off to all on his own?

DAMON
If you must know, and I don’t see that its any of your business. I’m going to The University of Derbyshire for a student conference.

JOE
You don’t say...

Joe sniggers and looks out of the window. Damon turns his head in the opposite direction.

FADE TO:

EXT. CAMP SITE OF MUSIC FESTIVAL - DAY

Jake and Dean are sitting on the grass watching people pass by. In the background Mike can be seen struggling to erect the tent. Every time he manages to get one tent pole to stand up the other collapses. Periodically he waves for them to help him, but they ignore this and continue to look at the other festival goers.

DEAN
Shit, Jake. This is gonna be fucking awesome. Just look at all the tail.

JAKE
Is that what you came for?

DEAN
What else?

Jake gives him a sideways look.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Okay. And the music and the booze and the spliff. That is, if you can do your Jedi mind trick and score us some on account.

JAKE
On account of what?

DEAN
The fact that we’ve only got a hundred quid left between us and we’ve gotta eat.

Jake looks concerned.

JAKE
I don’t know. It used to be easy to...

DEAN
Read minds?

JAKE
That’s not what it was.

DEAN
Fucking hell, Jake. Ever since year six you’ve been doing it. You always had something on every one of the teachers, you always got round your mum.

JAKE
Not any more.

DEAN
So what happened?

JAKE
(deliberately changing the subject)
That guy over there...

He points at a SCRAWNY MAN 30, wearing a long coat who is zigzagging through the crowd.

JAKE (CONT’D)
He’s a dealer. We could ask him for a couple of ounces.

Jake stands up.

DEAN
But you said you couldn’t...

JAKE
I lied, I do that a lot. Usually you’re too stupid to notice.

DEAN
I really don’t get your shit sometimes.

Jake walks over to the man and they exchange words while Dean watches them intently. Jake then returns and sits down again.

JAKE
I got him down to seventy quid for half an ounce. Fucking Bavarian blue leaf. It’s all those sodding yuppie pensioners putting up the price. On the plus side, he recommended the all you can eat Chinese buffet on the south side of the site.

DEAN
Well I’ll be buggered.

JAKE
He was interested - no accounting for taste. I tried to pimp you out, but I think he was afraid of catching something.

DEAN
(laughing)
If it was anyone else, I’d never believe... How’d you do it?

JAKE
Lucky, I guess.

DEAN
I don’t buy it. This is the old Jake Laris. The one who always had an angle. The guy everyone wanted to be friends with. Welcome back.

JAKE
So give me the money and I’ll go do the deal. He won’t wait for ever, you know.

Jake holds out his hand.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN CARRIAGE - DAY

Damon jerks awake. The last few lines of Jake’s conversation echoes around him. He’s holding out his hand in the same way as Jake. He is suddenly aware of Joe watching him.

DAMON
What did you say? What deal?

JOE
You’re a weird kid. I never said nothing.

DAMON
You did, I distinctly heard...

JOE
It’s looney tunes time. Ever had a trick cyclist look at your head?

She sniggers at Damon’s obvious distress, then her features soften and she looks concerned.

JOE (CONT’D)
It’s okay, kid. It was just a dream. You dropped off half an hour ago.

DAMON
A dream. Yes. That’s what it was. Can you please stop calling me a kid. I’m nearly sixteen...

He glances down at his clothes.

DAMON (CONT’D)
(assertively)
Even if I don’t look it. And my name is Damon.

Joe’s face cracks into a broad grin.

JOE
So Damon. You’ve got some balls after all. I think we’re gonna be friends.

Joe reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a small bottle of whisky. She offers it to Damon and he reaches towards the bottle.

DAMON
I probably shouldn’t but...

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMP SITE OF MUSIC FESTIVAL - DAY

Jake and Dean are standing beside the dealer who is counting their money. Jake suddenly reaches out his hand in the same way as Damon. Damon’s words echo around him and for a few seconds he looks totally disoriented. Noticing this, Dean slaps Jake’s hand down.

DEAN
Excuse him. He’s a bit wired.

The dealer shrugs, pockets the money and walks away. Dean looks at Jake.

DEAN (CONT’D)
What’s come over you?

Jake shakes his head.

JAKE
I don’t know. It’s weird like I was somewhere else... Someone else.

A look of total panic spreads over Jake’s face and he sprints back to the tent. Mike is bending down tightening the guide ropes as Jake barges into him, grabs his rucksack and tips the contents onto the ground.

JAKE (CONT’D)
(mumbling to himself)
Pills... where’s my fucking pills.

MIKE
Calm down mate.

JAKE
I’m fucked... Completely fucked.

DEAN
You got a headache? We can get something from the St John’s Ambulance.

JAKE
I doubt they’d have the right sorts of pills. Why was I so fucking stupid. Why didn’t I check.

DEAN
We know you’ve been ill. Your Dad told us as much. He asked us to keep an eye on you.

JAKE
(furious)
That’s all I need. A couple of fucking nurse maids.

MIKE
He didn’t tell us what’s wrong with you. But I guess it must be serious. Tell us and maybe we can help.

JAKE
Not unless you’re a shrink.

MIKE
Who needs a shrink?

JAKE
I do.

DEAN
You do? Come off it. You’re as sane as...

JAKE
Jedi mind trick you called it. My doc calls it visual and auditory hallucinations most likely due to the onset of Schizophrenia.

Dean and Mike look incredulous.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Yeah. I’m a nutter that no one will want to be friends with when they find out.

DEAN
Not from me.

MIKE
Me neither.

JAKE
I appreciate that, I really do. But without those fucking pills, I’ll be flipping out in six hours.

MIKE
And what better place to do it. No one’s gonna care, they’ll all be too shit faced to notice.

Jake ponders Mike’s comment for a few moments.

JAKE
I need some space.

He marches away into the crowd.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARKET STALLS AT MUSIC FESTIVAL - DAY

Jake is flitting around the stalls. Dean and Mike observe him from a distance. Jake approaches a stall selling hot pies that are kept in a warming display case. To his right is a queue of people waiting to pay. Jake walks past them, opens the display, removes a pie and takes a bite. He nonchalantly walks away eating the pie and starts to inspect hats hanging on a nearby stall.

MIKE
Just look at him. In front of everyone. He doesn’t give a shit.

DEAN
Got balls.

MIKE
Cast iron.

Jake approaches his friends and throws each of them a woolly hat.

JAKE
Okay, I’ve decided. If you two pricks want to baby sit me you can. But you better hold onto your hats.

The two boys look at the woolly hats they are holding.

JAKE (CONT’D)
It’s gonna be a fucking bumpy ride.

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE SUITE OF UNIVERSITY - EVENING

The welcome party is well under way. Students mingle with one another chatting about the various seminars scheduled in the conference programme. Professors wearing caps and gowns move around the room shaking hands with the visitors.

Damon stands apart from the crowd. Like a rabbit caught in headlights he is rigid with fear. He clutches the conference brochure to his chest for comfort. Other students give him strange looks as they pass on their way to the buffet table. A ripple of laughter rises from the back of the room and a group of girls part revealing Joe. Damon spots her and for a moment looks relieved. The other girls push Joe forward and she walks over.

JOE
Ignore them.

DAMON
I’m trying to, but it isn’t easy.

JOE
I’m sorry I never mentioned... when we were on the train. When you said student conference. I knew...

DAMON
So you thought you’d string me along just to take the piss?

JOE
Not at all. I like you. I really do.

Damon shrugs.

JOE (CONT’D)
Let’s start over. I’m Joanne Hamilton. My friends call me Joe. Don’t be fooled by this love of black.

She looks down at her studded Goth outfit.

JOE (CONT’D)
Underneath I’m just a geek trying to fit in.

Damon smiles.

DAMON
Me too.

JOE
So what brought you here? High flyer at school? Pushy parents? Child prodigy?

DAMON
I bit of everything.

JOE
Modest too.

They both laugh.

JOE (CONT’D)
And what’re you here for?

DAMON
Biology.

JOE
Interesting choice.

She winks and snatches the brochure from him.

JOE (CONT’D)
That includes a seminar on genetics, one on regenerative medicine and a lecture on climate change. Boring. I could teach you more about biology in one night than you’ll ever learn here.

She winks again and he squirms uneasily.

DAMON
So what are you here for?

JOE
Parapsychology.

Damon bursts out laughing.

DAMON
That quack science!

JOE
It’s a shame you feel like that. I was hoping that you’d accompany me - dark seances, moonlit ghost walks, meditation and Ganzfeld techniques.

DAMON
Accompany you?

JOE
Yeah, why not? Better together than alone.

Damon glances up at the group of girls watching them from across the room.

DAMON
What about them?

JOE
What about them? They’re nothing. A bunch of wanna be’s from some private shit hole. All plastic and straightened teeth. So? I may not be your mother’s type, but I could easily be yours... Walk?

Damon doesn’t look too keen.

JOE (CONT’D)
Mummy will never know. And I doubt you’ll get a better offer from those slags.

Joe points over at the group of giggling girls who look away pretending not to be interested. With sudden determination, Damon nods. He tentatively takes her hand and they leave the room together.

FADE TO:

INT. CELLAR- NIGHT

The teenage girl is being held down in a bath full of iced water. Terror shows on her face. She thrashes about violently, but thick leather straps hold her tight. Stellman walks from the shadows, leans over the bath and pushes on her throat with one hand. Her head goes beneath the water. She struggles even more, but his full body weight holds her down. With his free hand, he pulls a stop watch from his pocket and clicks the start.

CUT TO:

INT. TENT AT MUSIC FESTIVAL - NIGHT

Jake wakes up. He’s shivering and writhing. He starts to scream.

MIKE
Fucking hell!

Dean and Mike jump from their sleeping bags and exchange worried looks. They crawl forwards and hold Jake down.

MIKE (CONT’D)
It’s okay, mate. Calm down will you.

CUT TO:

INT. CELLAR - NIGHT

The girl is totally submerged. She gasps and struggles as she drowns. Her eyes are pleading for release, but Stellman’s face is a mask of cold indifference. To him this is just another experiment on another test subject.

CUT TO:

INT. UNIVERSITY BAR - NIGHT

Damon sits with Joe laughing in a dark booth at the back of the bar. She edges closer to him and puts her hand on his knee, slowly brushing up towards his crotch. He suddenly starts to shake, his teeth chattering.

JOE
What’s wrong?

DAMON
Cccold... Sooo cold.

He slumps in the seat, eyes half closed and breathing shallow.

JOE
Shit!

CUT TO:

INT. TENT AT MUSIC FESTIVAL - NIGHT

Jake is still writhing on the ground, his eyes half closed, his breathing shallow.

CUT TO:

INT. CELLAR - NIGHT

The girl goes stiff as she dies: her eyes staring wide open at her tormenter. With a deep sigh, Stellman stops the watch, walks over to a table and makes a few notes in a file. Closing the file, he places it with the stop watch into his brief case. Without looking back, he stomps from the room and slams the door.

CUT TO:

INT. TENT AT MUSIC FESTIVAL - NIGHT

Jake suddenly gasps and springs forward throwing Mike and Dean aside.

JAKE
Okay.. I’m okay.

CUT TO:

INT. UNIVERSITY BAR - NIGHT

Damon suddenly gasps and springs forward. He throws his arms around Joe.

DAMON
Okay... I’m okay now.

She gives him a quizzical look.

DAMON (CONT’D)
It was weird, like I was somewhere else... someone else.

JOE
This is from the guy who professes to be a scientist.

She jumps up.

JOE (CONT’D)
Walk me back to my room?

CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR OF STUDENT HALLS OF RESIDENSE - NIGHT

Joe and Damon walk up the corridor. He has returned to his timid self and looks about nervously as if his mother might come and catch him any moment. Joe pauses outside a door and points to the number.

JOE
This one. Coming in?

DAMON
I’ll see you around.

JOE
You’re giving me the brush off? I thought we were...

DAMON
No... no. I couldn’t. We shouldn’t. We’re here to study. I have my first lecture at nine in the morning.

He glances at his watch it says 2 a.m.

DAMON (CONT’D)
I can’t. I must get some sleep. This is very important to me.

JOE
So the kid is going to crawl back under his rock and bury his head in the sand.

He looks confused.

JOE (CONT’D)
What happened back there, Damon? You were shit scared. And you’re not telling me there’s a logical, scientific, explanation.

DAMON
I came here to study biology. It’s been my ambition since I was little.

JOE
Don’t you mean Mummy’s ambition?

DAMON
Ghosts, spirits, they don’t exist. It’s just some psychotic fantasy used by people of lesser intelligence who cannot understand the world.

JOE
(hurt)Thank’s very much.

DAMON
(apologetic)You know what I mean. Parapsychology isn’t a real science.

JOE

Maybe not. But there are people out there, respected academics, who are trying to explain the sort of freaky thing that just happened to you. If you were a true scientist you wouldn’t dismiss it so quickly. You’re just shit scared to face the truth, that there are things in the world that cannot be explained by your high and mighty scientific principles.

DAMON
You said I needed my head examined, Maybe I do. Maybe what happened was psychological, not psychical.

JOE
I can buy that. But if you just give it a try. Come along to the introductory session with me. Then you can eliminate anything psychic and I’ll accept that you’re completely fucked up.

DAMON
Maybe. I’ll think about it.

Damon shrugs and prepares to walk away.

JOE
Please yourself mummy’s boy, but you know where you can find me.

Joe unlocks the room and quickly disappears inside. Dejected, Damon walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. TENT AT MUSIC FESTIVAL - NIGHT

Jake is lying awake on top of his sleeping bag. Beside him, Mike and Dean are asleep. Damon’s comment about needing his head examined echoes around Jake as he stares at the roof of the tent.

JAKE
(whispering to himself)
What the fuck am I doing? I need those pills.

Dean wakes up.

DEAN
You came through. No harm done.

JAKE
Look at me. I’m turning into a real head case. D’you know what I’ve been doing for the past half hour?

Dean shakes his head.

JAKE (CONT’D)
I’ve actually started to listen to the voices. To take them seriously.

DEAN
What do they say?

JAKE
That’s not the point. You said that the old me could manipulate people, teachers, parents. Yeah. I guess I could, but the old me is the one who’s losing the plot. The pills. They took away my edge, but they also made the world bearable, predictable, simple.

DEAN
Dull...

JAKE
That too. But what the fuck do I do? I’m shit scared. I really am.

CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR OF STUDENT HALLS OF RESIDENSE - NIGHT

Damon has walked up the corridor and is just about to push through a doorway.

DAMON
That makes two of us...

CUT TO:

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Can you have too much dialogue?

Well the answer is yes. The characters have to develop but mostly this can be by their actions and the linear function of this opening is way too long. The hook is the girl’s torture and this could be better spaced (doesn’t reappear for ages then there’s two scenes close together)

Your get out in this screenplay adaptation is to take the gist of what’s been written (as a slow descent into suspense) and give it new life onscreen. Maybe the cast needs to be pared down into the essential elements as what you’re working towards is the crew’s trip to the music festival for mayhem and then the transfer of feelings. That’s the part to build (embellish) and just to make sure the audience don’t miss it go for the power of three (just tiny clues but stated three times for effect) Good luck ~ JtF