The Word Cloud

Hi Erika,

Well done for writing so much. Is there a writing group where you live that you could join for support?
The craft of writing is something you learn by trial and error - there can be a lot to take in in one go but if you post a section of your work here for feedback at least you will have an idea what areas you should look at first.

They are a series of novels about a reminiscing adult called India, telling the stories of her adventures, with her curious Grandma and the magical dolls she gave her.

Gifts

“India! It’s time to get up.”

Oh why did my Mum always wake me when I’m halfway through a good dream?

Still googly eyed, I tried to look across at my Barbie clock.

“Um… half past twelve” I said to myself, “That was a good lay in.” But I still felt so tired.

I had to push myself hard to get out of bed and dragged myself to the bathroom to do my morning bits. After my wash, I felt a little bit more awake.

I grabbed a couple of items of clothing out of the airing cupboard, before making my way back to my very pink, Barbie infested bedroom, to get dressed.

Whilst dressing; my now wide-awake eye’s re-caught sight of the clock.

“MUM”, I shouted, “You woke me up at 6 o’clock in the morning?”

I had obviously got the hands on the clock the wrong way round! No wonder I was still tired.

“I’m doing a special breakfast for an 8 year old.” She replied.

And so she was.

I could hear her clattering the pots and pans in the kitchen.

“It’s your favourite; eggy fried bread, so come and get it while it’s still warm.”

“Oh yes!” I remembered.

“It was August 12^th.

And it was my 8^th birthday!”

I quickly put my trainers on and raced downstairs. As I looked into the front room, I could see stacks of presents from my family and friends, all waiting to be opened.

Following my gaze towards them, my Mum said. “No, not yet; eat your breakfast first,” as she looked towards the kitchen table.

I bowed my head in disappointment, only to notice that I had put my trainers on the wrong feet. But because I was in so much of a rush, I didn’t bother to change them round.

Now even though, I loved eggy fried bread and was enjoying it immensely, I couldn’t stop my eyes from diverting themselves to the multitude of different coloured parcels, just waiting there for my attention.

I stuffed every bit of that bread into my mouth and found crevices that I never knew existed. That day, my Mum likened me to a hamster.

Still chewing, I scurried over to my gifts and found lots of presents from my Mum and Dads.

Unfortunately, because my birthday is in August, I always seemed to get vast amounts of stationary ready for going back to school, although, I did get some very nice things from my family.

Daddy Leam got me a bike that I really wanted and my Mum and Daddy James got me the pet rat that I had been asking for, for ages. She was pure white with pink eyes and she came housed in the biggest cage ever, complete with every toy she would ever want. I called her Barbie, as I was Barbie mad and had already collected so many of the dolls and maybe that is why, nobody had bought me one this year.

Unfortunately I could only play with my gifts for a short time, as it was not long before I was due to go to my Grandma's house for the weekend.

One thing that used to haunt me about her was that she would always know what I'd been up to, even without asking my Mum. This was sometimes, a little bit creepy.

Another thing that always amazed me was that wherever you went with her, someone would always seem to know her.

Her best feature though, was her smile. She smiled with her eyes and when she did this, you couldn't help smiling back, it was like she'd just cast a happy spell upon you.

“Well are you ready” my Mum frowned, looking at the clock. “Were off to Grandma's house now and we don't have much time”.

She lived the other end of town with Granddad Joe and 12 cats and it took a good half an hour’s drive to get there.

I didn't get to see her very often as she lived a very hectic life, so I enjoyed it immensely when I got the opportunity. The visits were mainly Birthdays and at Christmas, so it was always special.

More gifts at Grandma’s House

Arriving at Grandma’s house, on cue, we would be greeted by the two black cats, who would escort us to the front door. We would then have to go into the porch that I never looked forward to, because we had to wade through hundreds and hundreds of spiders webs. When we eventually got inside the house, the other ten cats would come and stroke themselves around my legs and they would want me to pet them. They were huge Maine Coon cats and it wasn’t long before they knocked me to the ground, as they wanted to play.

My Mum had to leave straight away as she had to drop Harry off at the child-minders and then get herself to work. So it was a “drop off and go” on the doorstep. After saying goodbye to my Mum, a screeching voice was heard from the kitchen.

“Hello Birthday girl” my Grandma yelled. There was a wonderful smell of birthday cake seeping through, which I hoped was for me. The aroma filled the whole house and made me feel quite hungry.

“Let’s see if we can find India some pressies and a card” Grandma said to one of the cats as she rushed from the kitchen, nearly tripping over one of the other ones. She pulled me up from the hall floor and gave me a big hug and a kiss and said, “follow me young lady.” and led me into the front room.

Waiting for me on the coffee table, were two presents and two cards. Excitedly I went towards the presents and was about to unwrap one of them when my Grandma shouted “STOP! You have to do them in order”.

So she gave me the cards.

The first card I opened had a picture of a cat, with a pink feather boa wrapped around its shoulders, which was from Grandma and Grandad and the next card, had a picture of around ten cats on it and guess who that was from?

The cats! Who else would we expect it from!!

“It would be good if you opened this one first.” She suggested as she handed me a small box.

Before I could get into the present, Grandma could not wait, “they're Tanzanite,” she revealed.

That meant nothing to me; I was only eight and really didn't know what on earth she was talking about. When I opened the box I found a lovely pair of pale purple stud earrings.

Grandma continued to say, “I chose that stone, because it has healing properties which could help your skin complaint.”

(Yes, I had a bit of an allergy; but who doesn't at eight years old?)

“Well, I love them,” I said as I thanked her, “they are so glittery.”

“Come here and let me put them in for you,” she said as she plonked me down on her knee.

Unfortunately I hadn't had earrings in for quite a while, so it was a bit sore when she started to push them into my lobes. It would have been even easier if her eyesight was a little bit better and it hadn’t taken ten attempts to find the hole. But, I managed to suffer it without yelling.

Knowing that my Grandma always saved the best till last, I looked eagerly at the other present, then a quick glance back at her and then diverted my stare back to the parcel, hinting for her to pass me my next surprise, but she was making out she hadn’t noticed. She was teasing me, but eventually she ceded and handed me the gift.

This one was a lot bigger than the last and it was wrapped in shimmering holographic paper.

“I can't get the paper off,” I whined, as I was scratching at the sticky tape.” I didn't want to rip it, as the paper was so lovely.

Grandma was rocking backwards and forwards, urging me to hurry. “Come on,” she said impatiently.

Anyone would have thought it was her birthday; she was getting so excited.

Eventually I managed to get into it and what a spectacular doll it was and such gorgeous clothes.

I had never seen a Barbie doll like it in my entire life; she was so different.

The only question that I could think of at that time was “What is she?”

Grandma grinned “She is the start of a wonderful worldwide collection” she replied; “she's from India and I thought it was rather appropriate, that being your name”.

“She's beautiful Grandma, what can I call her?” I asked, thinking that she would have a better idea than I had.

“Call her Apala, which means most beautiful.”

“Then that will be her name.” I said.

I couldn’t stop gazing at Apala, she looked absolutely stunning. Her sari was a dark pink with silver inlays and edged with the most amazing lace. Round her neck was circle upon circle of different coloured pearls and, she wore so many bangles, not just on her wrists, but also on her ankles, which made her jingle with the slightest movement.

Putting her on Grandma's bookcase, I stood back to admire her until finally Grandma said,

“Shall we go and ice your birthday cake; it should be cool enough by now?”

Cakes were another of Grandma's talents.

My Mum would never let me help in her kitchen, as she said I got in the way, but my Grandma always enjoyed my assistance, another reason that I loved being with her.

My Grandma had everything you could ever imagine for icing cakes and always made her own decorations. She was very artistic and she had always made my birthday cakes, ever since I could remember, but this was the first time I had ever helped, with my own cake.

“What decorations would you like on your cake?” she enquired.

I was clueless; I couldn’t think.

So she got her big tub out of the cupboard, this was where she stored all the items she had already made out of icing.

It was hard to choose. After a couple of minutes I finally decided; I opted for some of the cute teddies and then Grandma suggested that we use some of the other made up pieces to create a teddy bears picnic.

I was sold.

It was wonderful watching this masterpiece being created. Firstly my Grandma put a sheet of rolled out white icing on the top of the cake, she then drew lines with red food colouring first across one way and then the other, to make it look like a square gingham effect picnic blanket.

I passed each of the models to be stuck on the cake to Grandma, who placed them with such care and precision.

When she had finished, there were four teddies sitting on the rug and they were eating tiny jam sandwiches, mini fairy cakes and drinking tea. But my favourite piece had to be the bowl of sugar lumps. My Grandma had shaped each individual lump and painted them with edible white glitter paste that made them sparkle, like sugar does. It was amazing!

“Right” said Grandma, wiping the crisp icing sugar off her hands, “shall we read a book while the cake’s drying?”

I nodded a yes, because my mouth was so full of icing sugar leftovers; that I couldn't talk.

“By the way, you might like to put your trainers on the right feet” She said raising a smiley eyebrow, as we made our way into the sitting room.

I changed my trainers round, then grabbed a pillow and made myself comfy on the floor next to the settee. I was then ready to hear the story, when:

OUCH!

There was a huge tug on my ears where my earrings had been put in and the pain I was feeling was as though someone had just ripped them out. Maybe it was because I hadn't had any in for a while, but I couldn’t help crying; as I was in total agony.

“What on earth is the matter?” My Grandma asked as she knelt on the floor next to me.

“My ears hurt.” I sobbed.

So she looked at my ears and seemed really confused,

“Where have your new earrings gone”? She asked mystified.

“They should still be there” I replied as my hands went straight up to my earlobes and felt for myself that my earrings had disappeared.

Grandma said “Come on, we’d better look for them.”

Starting in the kitchen, we searched everywhere that I had been since I arrived, but without success.

Just when we had given up hope, I picked up my new doll and half said to myself, “do you know where they are?”

Imagine my surprise when I saw that she was actually wearing them.

I’VE FOUND THEM.” I announced.

“How did she get them?” I asked as I looked at Grandma, who had the smuggest face I'd ever seen her with and then she started waffling on.

“Perhaps I should have told you sooner; but I had not expected the magic to work so quickly.”

There was a long pause whilst Grandma chewed on her bottom lip and looked slightly coy.

She started to worry me a bit as she was making no sense whatsoever; she then carried on to say,

“Well, you better bring your doll and take hold of my hand and get ready for your final surprise.”

Suddenly there was a whirring noise and the room started spinning, I held my doll tightly and grabbed my Grandmas hand just in time.

Think I have a double return logged into my computer program and I can’t seem to get rid of it. I hate technology sometimes.

Firstly welcome, secondly it's not waffling! It's a great step you've taken to seek advice, this a great place just for that :)

I would suggest you post your extract in the "Critique" section of the "Forum" tab. There, people will know where to look and will offer advice and have a read. I'm just off to bed but will have a read when I get a moment.

If you need any help just give us a shout :)

x

Hello Erika,

I am sorry to hear that your eye-sight has made reading so hard for you. I would really encourage you to use audio books as a way to access literature. On the other hand, it sounds like NOT reading has also given you a great imagination!

Liss is right, you can post extracts on the "Writing critique" forum, where they will get more feedback. But I'll give you some here.

1. You have a good basic style. Your main character is vivid to me. I get inside her head nicely.

2. You are telling the story from the child India's point of view which is fine. But you therefore must be careful not to use words / phrases that don't "fit" with her, i.e. that she as an 8-year-old wouldn't use. For example

• Barbie infested
• Re-caught
  
• diverting themselves to the multitude of different coloured parcels

If India was sitting next to you, what words would SHE (not you) use to describe these things?

3. This extract takes a long time to get to the "point" (receiving the doll). As I was reading, I wondered where it was all going.... The reader needs to be drawn in and taken quickly to the exciting part of your story. I wonder if you could shorten the start, and move more quickly to the scene with Grandma. Alternatively / additionally, drop a "hint" in earlier on of where this story is going. e.g.

... it was my 8^th birthday!” Little did I just how magical a day it would be....

Hope that helps, do keep it up!