The Word Cloud

Not sure if that title makes sense, but I couldn't think how to word it any other way

Basically, I'm writing a chapter with my MC just going about her daily routine. I am describing things like the darkness as she makes her way through the house and the harsh bathroom lights etc. But it all seems like I'm telling the reader rather than showing.

Are there any methods that can be used in order to mix it up a bit, rather than she did this, she did that?

Here's an extract of what I've wrote:

A cloud of steam followed her into the hallway as she made her way back to her dark bedroom. Blind once more, she grabbed her tracksuit from its designated place in the wardrobe and quickly dressed, before glancing back at the illuminated figures on her alarm clock. She acknowledged that she was still within schedule before leaving the room once more and heading towards the training area.

Anyone have any ideas?

The beginning is nice and Showy, because it's rooted in physical experience - steam, blind, dark, grabbing... Things which tilt it towards Telly-ness are things like:

"designated place" "illuminated figures" "acknowledged that she was still within schedule..."

because I don't know what any of those feel and smell like, and I don't know what it feels like to think "I acknowledge that I'm still within schedule. "

Whereas I know that my hand falls on the right tracksuit straight away by the feel of the furry bit round the neck. I know that numbers glow at me in the dark, and they only say 05:47, and then I know that I'm okay, I'm on time, I'll get there before the park opens.

A good trick for getting in closer to her physical and mental experience would be to write it in first person, if only temporarily. If she was telling a girlfriend, the next day over a drink, how would she put it?

Apologies if you know them already (but someone else may not) - but my posts on showing-and-telling,

http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/showing-and-telling-the-basics.html

and psychic distance,

http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/psychic-distance-what-it-is-and-how-to-use-it.html

might help, also on the one on how to Tell (in terms of getting on with the narrative) without sacrificing the Showy-ness (in terms of vivid evocation of the experience and story)

http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/2011/10/are-you-showing-too-much.html

Thanks Emma, that's a great help!

Having never read your articles before, I found them a great help and very insightful

As for my chapter, I've made changes where you mentioned, yet I'm still having problems. The whole thing stills seems like 'she did this, then she did this' etc... I haven't finished it yet, but I'm starting to feel reluctant to continue down this route.

I think I'll persevere and maybe post it in the critiques section when I'm done.

Thanks again!

You're welcome, Damien

"The whole thing stills seems like 'she did this, then she did this' etc..."

Sometimes when you can't make a scene work, however hard you try and whichever way upside down and inside out you try to write it, it's because it's just not the right scene - the story should be doing something else.

Sometimes it's because you haven't imagined fully enough what the character's emotional journey is through the scene. Where does she start, mentally and emotionally as well as physically, when she wakes up, and where are you aiming for by the end? How are things going to be different when she finally gets out of the door?

The critical moments where her mental and emotional state shifts, are the ones which matter and which need evoking fully. Everything else is subsidiary.

Have a think about whether you actually need to tell us the whole process of her getting up? What's it doing for the story? Do we need to know it all? What's it building to? What's the important bit? For example, why does it matter that she should be on time? Is that characteristic of her, or unusual? What is it about this occasion that makes it matter extra. Build that into her noticing that she is. If it doesn't matter and/or it isn't unusual, then don't bother to tell us more than minimally, if at all.

(see my suggestions towards the end of that last post - Are You Showing Too Much, about how to cover the ground quickly, while keeping it vivid, by concentrating only on the one really significant detail, and jettisoning the rest.)

Thanks for the advice Emma,

I think the scene is necessary as it informs the reader of not only a skip in time, but also how the character has developed (in the previous chapter she was a shy teenager, now she is a strong confident woman)

It's only the second chapter in my book, so the reader doesn't really know much. Basically, the chapter starts with her going about a mundane, ordinary life. Towards the end however, she engages in the rest of her morning routine which involves combat training, weapons training, intense workouts etc. What I was trying to do was to make the opening paragraphs seem like a monotonous daily routine, but then suddenly she is firing guns and hurling a dummy around the room. I incorporated the whole schedule thing as I wanted it to be a character trait. She is focused on achieving her goal, almost obsessive, but I wanted to show the reader that through her actions rather than telling.

Having only finished the monotonous part of the chapter, I'm not sure if it bores the reader too much...

I've tried to use your advice and take a lot of the telling stuff out but it still feels like a chore to read. I'll try writing the interesting aspect of her schedule and once finished, it might read better...

I'll keep you updated

Abundance living is what needing in her life to bring some normality, she heard they brains tick away.The word normality rings in her ears as she winced. Her arms are tugs forward. A big ice sponge is slapped against her liver blotch skin. Gentle tear fell from her blue eye. The hands let go of her as her body flop with pain shoot left to right across wrinkle body. Her s shape spine is covered up with floral blouse with claret skirt. A young whip snap help with some knee high nylon socks on and low heels. She some degree of elegant and difficult she made to the mirror. She run comb thought the blue rinse she had done few days ago.She finally finish off with her rose red lipstick. She pick up Arthur and gave him kiss. Replace him back on mantle. She turn and saw his suit with his medals lay out on the bed.