The Word Cloud

I would like to share the opening and first scenes / chapters of my unpublished manuscript and should be grateful for any helpful criticism.

merry xmas everyone

thank you

They say there is a time and place for almost everything, but there is never a time or a place for acts which violate others, like murder. Gods come and go, deeply held beliefs eventually turn into myths and legends, and norms evolve, but the universal and timeless justified revulsion against the killing of another person remains firmly entrenched in man’s mental make-up. And that is how it should be. Culture plays its paternal role in dictating what is acceptable and asserts its authority by the exclusion of those who refuse to play by its rules. Murderers are therefore excluded from society. By the same token, the Sodomites violated the accepted principles of hospitality, thereby invoking Yahweh’s wrath who wiped them off the face of the earth and razed to the ground their ancient city of Sodom; or were the Sodomites guilty of demanding to know their angelic visitors and engage in male-to-male sexual relations with them? Whichever it was, all sodomites therefore deserve to be treated like murderers, and the universal and timeless revulsion against sodomites remains firmly entrenched in man’s mental make-up. It follows that there can therefore never be a time or place for loving sodomites; the time to love homosexuals never existed and never will. Sodomites, homosexuals, poofters…that category of men in love with other men, discard and disrespect long-standing and deeply cherished beliefs, they go-against-the-grain and sin against God by acting out of love or being in love with each other; by virtue of such love towards one another, they should therefore not be allowed to exist. And that is how it should be. Love is therefore a sin, and not a trivial one at that, but a sin of murderous proportions. Is that how it should be?

Adam shuddered at the thought of having been born a girl and wondered if he would have derived the same pleasure from men as he does now. He would never really know because his Muslim heritage and Arabic upbringing allowed him to do as he pleased by virtue of having a best friend hanging between his legs. Without such a best friend, his activities would have been heavily censored and curtailed. But social aspects aside, did females enjoy being females? To start with, a woman’s body must surely be heavier and more burdensome to carry around than a man’s body. Hair had to be carefully maintained. Make-up had to be delicately applied. Hips had to be lunged from side to side. Period dates had to be monitored. Breasts had to be strapped in place with a bra which was, undoubtedly, the most primitive and awkward-looking of clothing accessories. Since it’s invention, countless attempts have been made to sex-up the bra, with many of them hugely successful. The likes of Victoria Secrets and Agent Provocatuer earn their livelihoods by adorning the bra with all sorts of delicacies like silk, satin and lace, and associating it in men’s mind with female beauty and sexual prowess. But what about the male who was not interested in the seductive charms of the opposite sex, and who was able to strip the bra of its precious extras? The male to whom those precious extras failed to distract from the object’s resemblance to a body brace. And then comes childbirth. It may be awful, unbearable and outright disgusting, but, at the same time, Adam could not deny its beauty and the honour it bestowed upon these precious creatures who were the continuation of life itself.

Adam did not think of himself as a misogynist, and did not dwell on the ugly aspects of womanhood without remembering that he owed his existence to a woman. In fact, he adored women and viewed them as objects of art, beauty and desire. They were precious creatures to be cared for, spoilt, admired and respected for the intrinsic power they possessed and mastered over men and, through that channel, over the destinies of millions. They were a species which counted amongst their midsts Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Khadeeja (the first person to embrace Islam, should one dare to ask ‘what if’?), the number of famous ‘Madges’, and the mothers who everyday shape the family life and determine the paths of each and every individual that they bring into this world. Sarah, his own mother, was a prime example. His respect for the female sex surpassed the confines of the stereotype and the everyday trivial prejudices, such as women being crappy drivers or emotional bombs, but he just could not understand their biology or grasp their complicated ways.

Hi S,

This is a well written piece but (I'm sorry there's always but!) there is no 'action'. You tell us about Adam's predicament when this should really be shown as the story progresses. Something has to happen to keep the reader reading. This needs scenes and Adam needs his own voice (whether that be in third person or first). There are many ways to write a novel and other Clouders might disagree with me. :)

I agree, it is very well written and a most unusual subject matter - I would be inclined to read on :-)

this should could really be shown as the story progresses. There are no 'shoulds' in creative writing.

I found I was waiting for the story to start.

Thanks for the comments.

Sorry SS - it did nothing for me - too dull, dry and factual. Unusual subject matter is a big plus, however it needs to come to life and leap crackling off the page. Then you could have a winner.

Helpful critique - I would consign all of this to your planning file for now - it's all background reflections and all telling, which should keep you on track once the story begins. Make me care for Adam's situation...

Thnks for posting, I'm sure it will be an interesting story. I wish I could be more helpful - and I wish you all the very best.
kind regards

Many thanks for reading ST - will certainly take your comments into consideration.

Must agree with Stephen I was wending my weary way long before the end of this fragment.... sorry

There's no doubt that the opening of a novel has to grab the reader and interest them enough that they want to continue readign in order to find out more. Sevensins you give away a lot in this opening extract that could be revealed to the reader gradually.

Grateful for all the criticism and helpful insights guys

Don't be disheartened this was fantastically well written and intriguing as well. I agree that you should begin with action rather than exposition, but keep at it, there is something truly special here,

Johncjg - that's a very kind comment. I will certainly keep at it and will keep my fingers crossed.

Hi 7sins,

Hello Sevensins,

I think I understand what you are trying to do with the opening but I would shorten it. This way you keep the story introduction as you want it but more palatable for those readers who may lose interest after a page or so. Personally, I would have carried on reading, even as it is now, because I was intrigued by the characters predicament. This, I think, is testimony to your skill as a credible writer. Well done and keep it up.

John Costello - thank you for your encouragement and kind comments. I have since given the entire first part of my manuscript to a few friends, some liked it and others loved it. The ones who did like it, and there is one in particular who is an academic and looks over both creative, non fiction and academic writing on a regular basis, said, like you, that he would shorten the introduction or bring out the characters predicament / thoughts by way of a conversation with another character. Again, like you, he says that he looks forward to reading the second part and wants to know what happens.