The Word Cloud

For those who have been following - a stalker is noticed. Does this scene come across as being realistic. Comments welcome.

Chapter 4

‘Are you sure?’

Soo nodded. I resisted looking round; asked her to describe him, but when she said he was a fat farang, I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or not. It could have been coincidence, but I trusted Soo’s instincts when it came to covert surveillance — that’s if it was surveillance, and nothing more sinister.

I slugged my beer and emptied the bottle. I couldn’t just walk up to him and accuse him of spying on us — we hadn’t committed any crime — but I was going to confront him. I stood up and turned around. Through a crowd of tourists I could see him at the bar. Middle-aged, bald with bulging eyes, and a pot-belly. He saw me staring at him, pulled some money out of his pocket, and put a note under his glass.

Then he slid off his bar stool like a giant toad, and was gone.

It was no good chasing after him. The gangways towards the exit were blocked by happy revellers and children waving banners and balloons, and by the time I had cleared them he could be holed-up anywhere. I sat back down again, and confronted Soo instead.

‘Soo, you’re not telling me everything,’ I said. ‘Is it about Jimmy Mack?’

Her head bent down, she wouldn’t look at me. I waited while she seemed to be making up her mind. She picked up her glass and twirled the pale liquid around. Took a gulp, and said, ‘Not see Jimmy anymore. He go away.’ She gestured with her hands to show they were empty. ‘Two weeks, nothing ... until body found on Big Buddha beach.’

I felt the hairs on my arm tingling. ‘What?’

She fiddled with her cell phone and showed me the photos. The semi-naked body lay on one side, curled up as if trying to protect itself. Female and decomposed, but on one shoulder I made out a tattoo. It was a scorpion. I stared at Soo. She nodded her head.

‘Martha,’ she whispered.

Shit.

My mouth went dry. I couldn’t think straight. Was it a macabre joke? I raised my voice. ‘How did you get these pictures?’

Soo reached out for my hand and started to stroke it. ‘No ID ... police think maybe bargirl. Many people look-see.’

‘You told police who she was?’

Her body trembled and she gripped my hand tight ‘Not tell. I scare.’

I was still floundering. ‘Did anyone else recognise her?’

Soo shook her head. ‘No one say. Police take away body. Not hear anymore.’

Looking back, this was the moment when I felt irretrievably entwined with Jimmy’s and Martha’s fate. With Soo’s hand gripping mine I looked into her eyes. ‘Soo, I’m being serious. I have to find out what happened, and I want your help.’

She didn’t say anything.

I tried again. ‘I’ll take care of you; I promise no one is going to harm you.’

She shook her head. ‘Really?’

I spelt it out. ‘Soo, it could be you next time. Do you want to spend the rest of your life scared?’

She seemed to shrink in her seat. ‘I don’t know,’ she said.

And that was that. I couldn’t persuade her; she said she was tired and had a headache. Probably, I had been the cause, so I paid the bill, and we walked out into the busy street. ‘I’ll take you back to your apartment, make sure you’re safe.’ She gave me a look, and I reassured her. ‘Just friends, okay?’

She hadn’t smiled for a long time, but then a grin slid across her lips and her eyes sparkled with mischief. She grabbed my arm once more, and pouted.

‘You not like me! Why have dinner if we not sleep together?’

What the..?

My mouth opened but no words came out. Trying to understand Thai psyche, and female minds, was beyond me. I coughed and spluttered. ‘This farang is good man ... and I like you very much. It’s just...’

She had placed two fingers across my lips. ‘I like you too, Steve.’

Ahh.

So began my friendship with Soo — or should I say, it was fate.

***

‘You want jam or honey?’

The following morning I sat feeling a little sheepish in one of her silky-pink dressing gowns that didn’t fit me, watching her make toast and tea in the kitchen. She fussed around like a mother hen — and to tell the truth I enjoyed being pampered. Maybe I’d been on my own too long; hung around with similar boozy ex-pats, and aged prematurely.

Go out more. Get a life.

I chuckled. ‘Honey please, honey.’

She gave my arm a playful slap, and skipped out of the way before I could retaliate. At fifty, I was eighteen years older than her — and it could be that for her, time was slipping away, although I could say that about myself. Her parents with Buddha, one Thai boyfriend who’d joined the army, no children, but a couple of sisters who lived in Bangkok with their families.

...this loneliness I have within...

I sipped my tea, and smiled at her. She smiled back. Farangs only wanted one thing until I came along; she couldn’t believe I’d turn her down initially, and it took a lot of reassurance to convince her I really did like her. Maybe I’d hit on the secret of seduction — whatever, it had worked. And there was an upside. Now she wanted to take care of me, even if it meant going together to find answers to Jimmy’s and Martha’s deaths.

She slid a plate of toast on the table — enough to feed two of me. ‘Steve, I take shower, okay?’

I grinned. ‘Need any help?’

She slapped my arm. ‘You bad man. Same as other farang.’

Her face was blank and it seemed a playful gesture, but she sounded serious. I held up my hand in apology. ‘Just joking,’ but she flounced out. I sighed, and concentrated on my toast; with her mercurial mood swings it could be a long day ahead.

I wondered if our stalker was waiting...

Hi Stephen

I like the flirty relationship between Steve and Soo. It felt really natural and had a realistic feel to it.

Loving the description 'giant toad' - made me smile.

To answer your question, I thought it was believable apart from the followng bit:

'He seemed middle-aged, bald with bulging eyes, and a pot-belly.'

It does obviously make sense, but doesn't fit for me as 'seemed' makes me feel like he wasn't actually there. If you worded it, 'He was middle-aged...' it would work better I feel. Saying that, you specifically asked for us to check for reality, so I may not have picked it out ordinarily?

I enjoyed reading this.

Hi Stephen

I like this a lot too. Good pace, your character's "voice" works well. Yes, all believable to me, no issues there (unless I'm missing some massive plot hole!)

A couple of teeny single words / phrases jarred for me:

Why does "fat farrang" not have capitals? Is it a person?

"Looking back, this was THE moment when.." - . I don't think you need the capitals here.

"I tried again. ‘I’ll take care of you; I promise no one is going to harm you.’

‘Really? Impossible!’" - I'm not sure Soo would use the big work "Impossible". What about just:

"Really? No...."

And "flounced" sounds a bit "put-on dramatic" for me (annoying women "flounce") - you indicate earlier that she's actually qute serious at that moment. I wonder if there's another word that would better capture her genuine upset and anger? something like "she turned away"? or "Left the room with no reply"?

But yes, I woud like to read the whole story - sounds like a lot of fun!

Thanks for reading and commenting. Much appreciated, and some useful points.

Minxie - yep have amended - thanks for that. If you like the flirty relationship that seems natural, I'm in two minds whether to bump Soo off or not - which was on the cards...maybe I'll just have her kidnapped instead!

Philippa - yep, good points. Thai English is not easy to reproduce naturally without confusing readers. While Soo would say 'fat farang', Steve would say (when explaining) a fat farang. Same with impossible, it didn't sound quite right in that context, although my Thai partner uses impossible a lot, ha ha. And culturally Thais do not like to use the word NO and will walk around it wherever possible. The nearest to a negative is NOT (have, correct, etc.) Have amended the phrase, though.
At the moment I'm leaving in flounced, because facial expressions and talk don't necessarily reveal feelings; actions do. It's another cultural thing - and something I need to keep a close watch on - so thanks again for highlighting these.
Changed 'THE' to lower case - it was put there to remind me to make sure the plot hung together.

I hope that clarifies.

Hi Stephen.
Only two issues that bothered me, or didn't make sense that is.

Were they in a bar? If so why were there children in there waving balloons and banners? - Perhaps I've missed part of the story out, which explains the reason for this. If I have please ignore this.

- At fifty, I was eighteen years older than her — and it could be that for her, time was slipping away, although I could say that about myself.-
At first reading it jarred. Were you trying to say 'time was slipping away for her?' If so perhaps a change in comma placement would make it better reading, like:
- and it could be, that for her time was slipping away, although I could say that about myself.
Or something else, but that's just my opinion.

Everything else felt believable and realistic enough to me.

Hi Sassie, agree about the misplaced comma -my editor would have picked that up as well - good spot. And yes, they're in a restaurant that has a bar area - quite common in Thailand. I'll clarify - thanks.

Good that you found it credible. Thanks for reading and commenting. Much appreciated.

ST…I definitely wouldn’t change that comma – your original sentence trumps the replacement in clarity, readability, and sophistication. Plus, plonking the comma after ‘her’ (as you do in the original) puts the stress in the right place.

Just my two cents...

This was good .The conversations between Soo and Steve were very natural. I as I read it I didn't see any mistakes that really jumped out at me .... any mistakes have already been pointed out anyway. I haven't followed this from the beginning but I think I will have a look at the first three chapters now .... good job !!

Hi peeps. Thanks for reading and commenting. Much appreciated.

Ah, hah, the battle of the comma placings. Thanks CM for your confidence in my original placement - I'll see if I get any other comments on that. One thing I need to make absolutely sure is that it reads clearly.

Hi katie, glad you found the dialogue realistic - it's a challenge to know if thai/english speak takes readers out of the flow or not. So it worked for you, which is good. I've only posted the first two chapters previously, the third carries along the same theme - but this chapter is a key relationship development, so I needed some feedback on that.

here's my two-pence on the comma:

At fifty, I was eighteen years older than her — and it could be that, for her, time was slipping away, although I could say that about myself.

Interesting piece...different to other pieces you've posted. This one is more believable. and I like you MC - he comes across well. Glad to see you writing again... and good luck with the story! :) By the way, how did the cover go in the end?

Hi Stephen,
Let me say first up that I enjoyed this. The exchanges between Soo and your MC are believable and hit just the right note, IMO.

However (you knew i was going to say that, didn't you ), maybe I just don't 'get' the genre style but I still find my self falling over some of the sentence construction and perhaps a few other edits too?

Soo nodded. I resisted looking round and asked her to describe him. but When she said he was a fat farang, I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or not. It could have been coincidence, but I trusted Soo’s instincts when it came to covert surveillance — that’s if it was surveillance, and nothing more sinister.

I slugged my beer and emptied the bottle. I couldn’t just walk up to him and accuse him of spying on us — we hadn’t committed any crime —(surely if you were innocent it would be a perfectly fine reason to confront someone?) but I was going to confront him. I stood up and turned around. Through a crowd of tourists I could see him at the bar; middle-aged, bald with bulging eyes, and a pot-belly. He saw me staring at him, pulled some money out of his pocket, and put a note under his glass.

Her head bent down (sounds like her actual head did the bending,maybe 'She lowered her head'?),She wouldn’t look at me. I waited while she seemed to be making up her mind. She picked up her glass and twirled the pale liquid around. She took a gulp, and said, ‘Not see Jimmy anymore. He go away.’ She gestured with her hands to show they were empty. ‘Two weeks, nothing ... until body found on Big Buddha beach.’

Looking back, this That was the moment when I felt irretrievably entwined with Jimmy’s and Martha’s fate. With Soo’s hand gripping mine I looked into her eyes. ‘Soo, I’m being serious. I have to find out what happened, and I want your help.’

She seemed to shrink in her seat. ‘I don’t know,’ she said

Trying to Understanding Thai psyche, and female minds, was beyond me.(anyone can try, its the understanding thats beyond him)

So began my friendship with Soo — or should I say, it was fate.(Not sure this makes sense?)

She fussed around like a mother hen (the - isn't needed) and to tell the truth I enjoyed being pampered

(I'm not totally sure what you were saying here, maybe...)At fifty, I was eighteen years older than her and it could be that for her, she felt time was slipping away from her, although I could say that about myself.

Farangs had only wanted one thing until I came along. She couldn’t believe I’d turned her down initially, and it took a lot of reassurance to convince her I really did like her.

Actually, do you really need all those dashes? I think commas or semi-colons could replace most of them.

It is really good stuff. Keep it coming

Thanks peeps for taking the time to read and comment. Very much appreciated.

Thanks for getting back on the comma Philippa. I agree it makes grammatical sense, but I'm a simple guy who doesn't like to place loads of commas everywhere. So I'll try and rejig the thought process - maybe split it into two.

At fifty, I was eighteen years older than her — and it could be that for her, time was slipping away, although I could say that about myself.

What I'm trying to say, probably in a convuluted way, is that Steve recognises she's a young woman, so why would she fancy a guy who is 18 years older - then recognises time is also slipping away from him. Does that make sense?

I8 -glad to see you writing and posting again. This is another one of my crime novellas - this one based in Thailand. The Hawaii High Five and High Lo covers were designed by TfX, and I am very pleased with the result - but thanks for your prior input as well - I've had some brilliant help from Clouders.

Hi Malc - I much appreciate your tweaking suggestions, and most make sense and is tighter. Thanks for taking the time to go through it. I'm happy that you found the relationship worked.

I agree it is a lax style - the dashes are/will be edited later by Amy my US editor. But I want to retain the same approach as I used in my Hawaii novellas. As mentioned above, I try not to over-use commas and semi colons because I want to retain an 'easy on the eye' flow (or an 'easy on the eye' read). Whether dashes do that or not, I guess is debatable - however Amy is happy with them - so I leave them in. BTW she isn't into semi colons - American writing style differs from UK - and let's face it my crime novellas are set in exotic places designed to take readers away from the worries and stress of life for a while, not great works of literature...

Whew...

Hello,

Though I'd chip in - a good scene for me as ever, I could get that she might want him to stick around however old, as she's scared (body on the beach and all) , would a hint of that resure him as to her motives? I would agree that the age gap comment is a bit confusing, though I get the reference that in her culture, she is on the shelf - but if it's causing the writing to jar a little, perhaps him feeling that she wants him because she's scared might work better?
I still have a tiny issue that her speech makes her sound ..... a little cartoonish? Which I know is a problem as that is how she would speak, I understand that - but combiend with her actions I find her a little (and I hate to say this) stero-typed? I know it's a very difficult balance and one I struggle with ( Russian gangsters and all) and it's your book - but if you want her to convince as a private eye or similar, is it possible to experiemnt with her language a little to make her less 'me love you long time?' (which keeps going round in my head!)
Either that, or could she make him sleep on the sofa the first time? ( Or did she, and am I just assuming the got it on?)

Hi TfX - I agree with you. It's not easy, but I've not come across any Thai lady (in general contact) that can speak correct English. The next chapters reinforce the scared stuff. And while the idea of sleeping on the sofa might be Western mindset, it sure doesn't happen in Thailand once the lady makes it quite clear she fancies him. Providing the male is a male and not a wimp.

And I question stereotype, which is actuality here. So I could write a novella that complies with Western perception or write a novella that is realistic. Your choice...

I agree, I supose what one has to consider is do you write true to type, or do you write so that the reader dosn't get turned off your characters because of their reaction to them. Of course the stero type exists, but is it what's best for your novel - dosn't the really interering stuff happen when you challenge the stereotype a little? Don't get me wrong, I don't in anyway critisize you in your observation or writing, both of which are spot on - I guess I am just musing on the subject. If I am honest, as a woman reading from outside the culture you're observing with my own Western predjudice, the relationship you describe however acurate is not appealing to me - it turns me off both characters - not completely, but it does make me feel distanced from them. I am sure that it would seem illogical for him not to sleep with her, but perhaps it would make him more of an attractive character if he didn't. Even if she was expecting him too - in my eyes he would be a gentleman and not a wimp. Do you have to be 100% acurate to life to tell a good story?
I'm not suggesting you change it at all, but I suppose I am just riffing on the idea - and you're not just writing your book for me after all!

Hi TfX - good points, and I'm not adverse to suggested change. I appreciate the time you have taken to challenge the concept - it is very useful to get your views. Crime and Romance are not easy bedfellows...

The relationship context is explored in a previous chapter and after this one, so it does provide for a more rounded rationale on both their behaviours. His initial reactions were exactly as you have described - a gentleman who became a little embarrassed. He's fifty, she's thirty-two - both mature adults, know the score...