The Word Cloud

Hi people. I wonder if you'd be so kind as to give me some feedback. I've been writing in 1st person for the last 9 months, and have gone back to 3rd for this new novel. It seems a bit alien at the mo, so just like to know how it sounds. Thanks.
ps. This is 1st draft
Chapter 1

Josh’s wife knew he detested getting up in the mornings. Given half a chance he’d revel in his pit of comfort all day. On the morning that everything went crazy Danni had performed her usual trick of opening the curtains, so the rising sun could flood the room.
‘Josh,’ she yelled up the stairs, ‘get up or you’ll be late.’
‘I’m up,’ Josh moaned, rolling over to shield his eyes.
‘Then why can I hear the bed creaking?’ She replied instantly. Bollocks, rumbled. No chance of an extra five minutes now. Josh swung himself out of bed, sulking, then traipsed to the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror he brushed his teeth, pushed an electric razor around his face, and ran his hands through his hair. He barely even opened his eyes during the whole ritual. What was the point? He knew his face that well, there was no need. Well just goes to show, not even something as true as your own face should be taken for granted.

As Josh plodded down the stairs he could hear his wife and daughter Isobel, talking. With a yawn he entered the kitchen and said ‘morning.’
‘Hi dad.’ Izzy said with a spoonful of Coco Pops in her hand. Danni placed two rounds of toast and a mug of coffee on the table.
‘Izzy’s only eight and she gets up better than you. It should be her I have to coax outta bed in the morning, not you,’ Danni moaned. Josh had heard it all before, and just looked at Izzy and grinned. She smiled back and scooped more cereal into her mouth.

Izzy tucked her hair behind her ears so it didn’t hang in her bowl. Just like Danni’s her hair was long, shiny, and fire red. They looked so alike, both tall with emerald green eyes, and both fair skinned. Izzy’s face was scattered with freckles, especially her little button nose. Izzy may have had her mother’s looks but she had a great deal of Josh’s personality, well accept for getting up in the mornings. They were both laid back characters; well, Josh used to be. They both like to be creative, and they had very similar tastes, whether it be food, T.V programs or films. I guess that means either Izzy is was old before her time, or Josh was a big kid.
‘Come on Izzy, hurry up, you’ll be late for school.’
‘We got plenty of time Danni.’
‘Only because you drive like an idiot.’ She barked back.
‘I never exceed the speed limit, isn’t that right Izzy?’
‘Yep.’ Izzy said before bringing her bowl to her mouth, so she could drink the leftover chocolate milk.

Moments later they were in the car and heading to Izzy’s school. Josh weaved the Ford Fiesta in and out of the early morning traffic. Five minutes later and he was kissing Izzy goodbye, and wishing her a good day at school. Josh watched from the car to ensure she went straight in. Knowing she was safe inside he performed a three point turn, and headed back home. Josh was on a late shift that day, so he wondered if he could get away with jumping back into bed for an hour or two. The chances were pretty slim due to Danni’s ever increasing list of jobs she wanted doing around the house. It was ever increasing because Josh always found an excuse to get out of them.

Josh decided to take a different route home that day, choosing the back streets, rather than battling the town centre chaos. How things would have been different if he’d just gone the other way.

(II)
Ignoring the blood spilling from his hand Dex ran and jumped at a wire fence and hauled himself up and over. He landed with a thud on concrete, and heaved as the wind was knocked out of him. He clambered to his feet, clutched his ribs and carried on running. He negotiated several gardens before he came to a dead end. Looking at the rear of a block of garages he tried to find a way past. He had to climb, there was no other way. Shimmying up a drainpipe he made it to the roof. They were old, made of asbestos and didn’t look safe, but he had no choice but to take the risk. He shuffled to the edge, where he thought the structure was the strongest and crawled across. He jumped down the other side, stumbled but kept on going. Sweat poured from his forehead and stung his eyes. He cuffed it away, and gave a cautionary look over his shoulder. His hand throbbed, and looked as though he had dipped it in a tin of red paint. He moved out of the garages, and onto a narrow road. He was exhausted. His legs were so weak he knew if he didn’t rest they would simply give up, and he would collapse. His heart was pounding so fast he thought it might explode. He staggered on.

(III)

As Josh turned into Victoria Road a hobbling man appeared from a lane that led to some residential garages, clutching his ribs. He didn’t even look before stepping into the road. Yanking the steering wheel right, Josh swerved. There was a dull thud, but before he could show any remorse for running someone down, his little Fiesta ploughed under the trailer of an oncoming lorry and everything went dark.

The wail of sirens brought Josh round. His head felt as though someone were pounding it with a mallet. Opening his eyes confused him. He looked like he’d been packed in a tin can. The steering wheel pinned him to his seat, his chest was so squashed his lungs couldn’t inflate to oxygenate his blood. A sense of confusion devoured him, where am I? What am I doing? His skull felt ready to explode. He gritted his teeth, but it was no use, the pain was too intense. Josh could feel something tricking down his back. He wasn’t sure whether it was blood or sweat. A sudden urge to sleep overcame him, his ears started ringing, and his head spun with dizziness. Once again he surrendered to darkness.

The next thing Josh remembered was groaning. A man in a green uniform stood over him; he was pushing some buttons on a small screen. The sound of sirens was so loud he wanted to tell the man to shut them up, but all he could manage was a slur before darkness.

Bright lights rushed above him. Josh was on a gurney, being pushed at what seemed like a hundred miles per hour. He couldn’t focus. He couldn’t even stay conscious. Josh flitted in and out of darkness as if her were a train travelling in and out of tunnels. Then the train stopped. He was lifted off, and boarded another. This one didn’t move. Blurred faces looked down at him. Lights were shone in his eyes. Josh wished someone would tell the creature in his skull to stop hammering. There were voices, but his brain couldn’t keep up with what they were saying, it all seemed like gibberish. Had he been abducted by aliens? Were they experimenting on him? To Josh it seemed like a rational explanation at the time.

The next time Josh opened his eyes things seemed clearer. He was in a hospital. The beings that he thought were aliens were nothing of the sort, they were doctors and nurses, all dressed in light blue outfits, with matching hats that looked like shower caps. They were rushing, and panicking around a bed. Josh took a step closer, yes a step. Just moments ago he couldn’t even keep his eyes open, but now, now he was upright, walking no less. Josh failed to understand why he was a spectator to this medical emergency. He felt embarrassed. He wondered if he’d walked into the wrong room? Why am I in a hospital anyway? There was an incessant beeping. Josh recognised the noise thanks to his and Izzy’s weekly dose of the T.V program casualty; someone had flat lined.

As one of the doctors moved out of the way he cold see clearly the person they were trying to save, it was him. It didn’t make sense. Why were they pumping his chest? He stepped closer and said ‘excuse me, why are you doing that, I’m fine.’ There was no reply, and a nurse darted through him as if he were invisible. Josh looked down at himself, then to the bed at his other self. His mouth was hanging open. A tube parted his lips; it looked like a transparent snake. His eyes had rolled back in their sockets, and blood dripped from the back of his skull. Josh felt sick, he couldn’t watch this nightmare playing out in front of him, but he couldn’t wake up either. Why haven’t I snapped out of it? Surely a dream so horrific would have made him sit bolt upright in bed. Was he in bed? He knew he’d thought about going home and trying to sneak another hour or two. Was this his punishment for not doing the jobs around the house?

Josh turned and stepped away. He wondered what the hell was going on, but before he could work out the answer a doctor dashed through him. There was another patient in the large room. He too had a flock of medical staff around him. The matted blonde hair, and golden stubble on his face seemed familiar, but Josh couldn’t put a name to him. A doctor held up two things, one in each hand. Josh thought they looked like Wii controllers. ‘Clear,’ the doctor shouted and pressed them on the man’s naked chest. His body convulsed. ‘Nothing, no output,’ said a woman.
‘Clear,’ yelled the man again, and pressed the controllers on the man’s chest. He looked like he was being stuck with two cattle prods simultaneously.

That was enough for Josh. He had to get out of here, turning, he hurried away, but before he reached the doors something pulled him from behind, not a person, but something else. At first it felt like he was walking into a gale force wind, but then he realised that wasn’t the case. He wasn’t being pushed back, he was being pulled. It felt like he was being sucked up by a giant vacuum cleaner. Josh felt himself shrink, and before he knew what had happened he was looking up at the ceiling. A doctor injected him with something, and his eyes closed.
When Josh came round the bright lights above him seared his retinas. Once they had adjusted he lethargically rolled his head to one side, and took a look around. He was alone in a different room. Where was the other guy? Racking his brain, he tried to work out what had happened. He remembered having breakfast, and taking Izzy to school. He also had some vivid memories; warped people swarming around him, and of course the other man. A vision invaded Josh’s mind. A man, blonde, staggered into the road. That was it, the puzzle started to piece itself together. He was on his way home, and the man stepped out into the road, he swerved and hit something.

Josh started to panic, and as he did, some numbers on a digital monitor started to flash, and increase. Josh thought, if he’d been in an accident, where’s Danni? Surely the hospital or police would have notified her. Perhaps she was on her way. Just as tears started to well in his eyes the door to the room opened, and a man dressed in blue scrubs entered, along with a female nurse.
‘Mr Andrews can you hear me?’ The man asked. The lights glimmered off his bald head. ‘I’m Doctor Matthews. You were involved in a car accident, can you remember?’
‘Danni,’ Josh slurred. He thought maybe he’d misheard the Doctor. He was certain he called him Mr Andrews.
‘He seems stable, more morphine for the pain, and obs every fifteen minutes please.’ The doctor told the nurse, pushing his spectacles up his nose. ‘We’ll try and speak to him again this afternoon, by then he maybe more coherent,’ the doctor added before leaving. The nurse opened a sealed packet, and pulled out a syringe. She could have only been in her early twenties. Josh hoped she was fully qualified. Lifting his wrist she injected the contents into a small tube that was connected to a vein in his hand. As he watched he noticed his other hand was heavily dressed with white bandage.
‘Where’s Danni,’ Josh forced through laboured breaths.
‘Who’s Danni,’ replied the nurse.
‘My wife.’ Josh couldn’t believe that she hadn’t been contacted, but he was too exhausted to get angry. ‘Your next of kin is listed as a Miss Hancock, she’s on her way.’
‘What, no, that’s wrong.’ I…I’m married to…’
‘Don’t worry about that at the moment, the most important thing is you rest Mr Andrews.’
‘Mr Andrews…who’s Mr Andrews?’

Hi Tno,

Waking up isn't really a good place to start. It doesn't grab the reader and nothing much really happens. What is there to make me care how Josh feels in the morning? You've said this is a first draft so I won't bother with editing but you did ask about the POV. You actually use 3 different POVs in the first paragraph. You may want to use more than one POV in the book but its probably best to stick with one per chapter or scene.

(POV Josh's wife) Josh’s wife knew he detested getting up in the mornings. Given half a chance he’d revel in his pit of comfort all day.(POV omniscient) On the morning that everything went crazy Danni had performed her usual trick of opening the curtains, so the rising sun could flood the room.
(POV wife)‘Josh,’ she yelled up the stairs, ‘get up or you’ll be late.’
(POV Josh) ‘I’m up,’ Josh moaned, rolling over to shield his eyes.
(POV wife)‘Then why can I hear the bed creaking?’ She replied instantly. (POV Josh)Bollocks, rumbled. No chance of an extra five minutes now. Josh swung himself out of bed, sulking, then traipsed to the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror he brushed his teeth, pushed an electric razor around his face, and ran his hands through his hair. He barely even opened his eyes during the whole ritual. What was the point? He knew his face that well, there was no need. Well just goes to show, not even something as true as your own face should be taken for granted.


Hope that helps

thanks malcolm, same basic mistakes i thought i'd left behind a few yrs ago, gonna take a bit of getting used to 3rd person again

Well for me I'll ignore the POV debate as Mal has pretty much nailed it - I would also say don't start with the sleeping, it meaning nothing to the story and has no relevance to his hitting the other guy, as he dosn't fall asleep at the wheel due to tiredness or something. I also think you're using the third person to tell us what happens and how the world is rather than show it,

Izzy tucked her hair behind her ears so it didn’t hang in her bowl.

We don't need to know why she does it, it's obvious and unless it's crucial to the plot it doesn't add anything - you tell us that she does it because she's eating her breakfast, but you don't need to because we've seen that she's eating her breakfast.


You're inlcuding a lot more information than we need to read.

As Josh turned into Victoria Road (Does the road name matter here?) a hobbling man appeared from a lane that led to some residential garages, (We don't need to know what's down a lane no envolved in the event) clutching his ribs. He didn’t even look before stepping into the road. (If he 'hobbled obliviously into the road' you could loose this sentence all together) Yanking the steering wheel right, (just need to know he swerves, nothing else) Josh swerved. There was a dull thud, but before he could show any remorse for running someone down, his little Fiesta ploughed under the trailer of an oncoming lorry. and everything went dark. -

You need shorter, blunter more acurate sentences in action sequences to create tension -

Josh turned right. A man staggered out infront of him, clutching his side. He swerved violently, desperately but his car skittered across the road. With a dull thud his little Fiesta ploughed under the trailer of an oncoming lorry. (Though dull thud is under selling it a bit - almighty crash might be more in order!)

If I were you, I would start with the last paragraph. I am assuiming something had happened along the lines of a body/soul swap type mystery - so open with that and let the reader be as confused as your protagonist - (And my spelling...) that's where the mystery of the book will unfold as the reader gropes to understand what has happened along with your main character. You've got to set your stall out in the first page - if this book is all about how do you prove who you are - then get that panic and urgency in at the start.

But that's only what I would do - I'd cut a lot of this and decide where you want to start to make the idea work for you, then worry about getting the POV right.

Also cut out worlds like 'Next', 'Then' and 'a little' - you use next a lot and you don't need it - we know it's happening next because they events come one after the other.

(And a very personal plea - please not red hair and green eyes, red headed people are always shown having green eyes and it's such a cliche!! Gold star for casting a red headed man in the lead role though!)

There are parts of this that need so much work that it stopped me in my tracks from reading further. Let me show you one paragraph :

Put you off so much that you may have lost your manners some where. It would be a good idea to read the guidelines that The Word Cloud have set out for providing critiques.
http://writing-community.writersworkshop.co.uk/forum/topic/42

How do I delete my own comments here? I've looked every which way but unless I've missed something obvious, I seem not to be able to do it.

thanks guys, back to the drawing board with this. I have written this in 1st person also so may revert back to that as i feel more confident writing that way.

It's difficult when you get used to writing one way, then switch. I've been learning script writing (self taught from books) for a few years and now realise I need to learn to write before even attempting that, and I'm finding it pretty difficult to 'let go' and allow my words to have a bit more freedom.

In the end I had to switch off from script writing, get the story in my head, and go with the flow. Obviously editing afterward. I really struggle with tense and bascally, get pretty confused if I try to work it out as I go. I find it easier to just write and look at that afterward.

Your story is intriguing. You've described your m/c and his family well too - especially Izzy. I wasn't keen on the car crash part. I'd rather you describe him seeing the lorry, then nothing so it's a bit more final. From hints you've given this is going to be some kind of turning point for him, and you could mark that a little clearer just for dramatic effect before he comes to on hearing the sirens.

I think you've given a lot of detail in this chapter and you could easily get away with cutting some of this out. I was told ages ago that short sentences are good for dramatic/action scenes. The longer sentences in this work much better during the relaxed action I feel. I'm not sure if that's a 'rule' but it has helped with my writing.

Honestly, get the story in your head and just write. Let it come naturally - edit afterward - that way you'll find your own style and enjoy writing much more. It's an interesting start, so good luck with it.

thanx minxie

I agree with Minxie, sometime if you try edit while writing,it get to be all about editing and not about your story.