Opening of my proposed story about uni

Fri, Jan 27 2012 04:42pm GMT 1
Johncjg
Johncjg
54 Posts
Firstly im still working on my childrens novel (im at 30,000 words :) ) but i am also coming to the end of my long five year medical degree which is making me look back fondly. i thought about writing a story (very) loosely based on my experiences in med school. here's an exerpt, not much but i want to get the tone right (as i have only written kids stuff before) and wondered what you guys thought.

She smiled shyly, pushing back her short auburn. ‘It’s kind of loud in here isn’t it?’ she said, glancing at the door. ‘Do you smoke?’

‘Yes,’ Mattie lied.

‘Good,’ said the girl, grabbing his arm lightly. ‘You can keep me company.’ And she led him off, through the tiny crowded kitchen and the narrow hall filled with the low hum of the energy saving halogen lights above and the universal cheese music that everyone, everyone seemed to know the words to.

It was only the first night of fresher’s week but everything still felt a blur to Mattie Thompson. They’d pulled up to the enormous Glen Eyre halls complex like some vast hive abuzz with thousands upon thousands of excited freshers, as far ranging as they were numerous. Some had only brought a single suitcase and a toaster, others had seemed to have brought enough tinned food to survive a minor nuclear holocaust or a major zombie attack. After a frantic hour, a fussing mother by his side, Mattie had finally managed to find his way to his new home Old Terrace halls, where he’d be spending the next year of his life. He'd felt a flutter, the realization of months of anticipation coming to fruition as he began to unpack into a place unbound by such earthly laws as curfews or having to eat fruit. I’m never eating another apple, had been his first absurd thought.

The night breeze was cool which was just as well as Mattie wore nothing but his stone washed jeans, Fall Out Boy t-shirt and bright green two pound earrings (buy one get one free) he’d bought from Primark. The girl before him was dressed casually as well in jean shorts and a silken vest top that made her look a vision though Mattie couldn’t help but think she’d probably have looked fit in a Barney costume. She pulled out her tiny handbag and fumbled for her cigarettes and lighter.

‘Fuck.’ The wind had risen, snuffing the flame every time she clicked the lighter. ‘Could you give me a hand?’ He raised his hands around the cigarette and lighter till it grew red hot. She closed her eyes puffing a long trail of smoke. ‘ Ah seriously much better. My dad doesn’t know I smoke. You don’t know what a relief it is to smoke out here in the open without a canister of Febreeze.’ She took another long toke, before offering him the cigarette. ‘I’m Casey by the way.’

‘Mattie.’ He took a toke and coughed as soon as he'd drawn the smoke in. Casey grinned. ‘Errr what do you study?’

‘Medicine,’ she replied. The girl sat down on the steps in front of them and gestured for him to sit.

‘Ah yeah me too,’ said Mattie, trying to make his long fringe go the way he wanted, but the breeze was blowing from the wrong side and his long black hair kept going into his face. He pushed it aside. ‘Sweet, I guess we’ll be in the same year.’

She smiled again and gave him a high five excitedly. Marry me, thought Mattie. Her skin was ethereally pale and smooth…and she was showing so much of it. It was taking all of his willpower not to glance down where the tops of her small breasts were showing.

‘Ah cool! We can walk in tomorrow together if you want, I live over there in South Hill halls.’

Fri, Jan 27 2012 08:13pm GMT 2
Philippa
Philippa
353 Posts
Hi John,

I hate to start off on a downer, but I wasn't sure about this piece. The writing felt a bit obvious and cliched to me - e.g. "Some had only brought a single suitcase and a toaster, others had seemed to have brought enough tinned food to survive a minor nuclear holocaust or a major zombie attack."

Perhaps this is the result of writing from one's own experience - too hard to let pure imagination take over? I think for a adult book, the style would need more originality and sophistication.

I also felt a bit dropped in the middle of things, wondering how these two hooked up, etc. I seem to have missed the "love at first sight" moment, which surely would be the most intersting?! Important to think about a "hook" with things you post, to draw readers in. This is of course important for your story generally, though I understand this is just an excerpt.

I think some phrases are a bit confused, e.g "grabbing his arm lightly" (grab is quite an aggresssive word, so not sure what this would look like?) and "toking" on a cigarette (isn't it joints one tokes on?! I think one "drags" on a cigarette...) I also think some sentences have got too long, e.g. "The girl before him was dressed casually as well in jean shorts and a silken vest top that made her look a vision though Mattie couldn’t help but think she’d probably have looked fit in a Barney costume. "

However, there are some nice touches, e.g.
"I’m never eating another apple, had been his first absurd thought"

Sorry if this review feels a bit harsh, but all feedback is here to help. Do have a look around the site to get ideas, and maybe you want to share a bit of your children's book?

Finally - well done on the medical degree!
Fri, Jan 27 2012 08:34pm GMT 3
Vanessa
Vanessa
403 Posts
I went to those halls of residence! Glen Eyre...fond memories...

Sorry to say I agree with Philippa - it didn't grab me. But keep at it, it takes a long time to develop the art...as I am sure you know. In case you did not see I posted some of my early writing - I feel like torching it now...you gotta have a sense of humour right...:)
Fri, Jan 27 2012 10:42pm GMT 4
EleanorW
EleanorW
177 Posts
Well! My novel too is based around a guy who's at University (in England in the 1970s), and your piece reminded me so much of writing mine.

There's some nice parts of yours. The lighting of the ciggie, the cheesy music (lots of that in my book LOL), and keeping it to the simplicity of two people meeting and sharing a moment together.

The negative is that I didn't feel strongly enough for what was happening here. Not enough of a hook to hang onto, though as the extract is so short, that's probably unfair of me. I just think you could have introduced one thought-provoking or strange element to make the reader sit up. But I would like to read more.
Sat, Jan 28 2012 12:21am GMT 5
Johncjg
Johncjg
54 Posts
okay, thanks ill muse over it a bit more :)
Sat, Jan 28 2012 12:22am GMT 6
Johncjg
Johncjg
54 Posts
yeah i guess writing in different styles will take some getting used to, ill put it on the backburner for now
Sat, Jan 28 2012 01:04am GMT 7
bikerjob
bikerjob
222 Posts

Looking back ‘fondly’ is not a good start – good for the people who were there ???

... a reader reads books

She smiled shyly, pushing back her short auburn. ‘It’s kind of loud in here isn’t it?’ she said, glancing at the door. ‘Do you smoke?’

‘Yes,’ Mattie lied.

‘Good,’ said the girl, grabbing his arm lightly. ‘You can keep me company.’ And she led him off, through the tiny crowded kitchen and the narrow hall filled with the low hum of the energy saving halogen lights above and the universal cheese music that everyone, everyone seemed to know the words to.

It was only the first night of fresher’s week but everything still felt a blur to Mattie Thompson. They’d pulled up to the enormous Glen Eyre halls complex like some vast hive abuzz with thousands upon thousands of excited freshers, as far ranging as they were numerous. Some had only brought a single suitcase and a toaster, others had seemed to have brought enough tinned food to survive a minor nuclear holocaust or a major zombie attack. After a frantic hour, a fussing mother by his side, Mattie had finally managed to find his way to his new home Old Terrace halls, where he’d be spending the next year of his life. He'd felt a flutter, the realization of months of anticipation coming to fruition as he began to unpack into a place unbound by such earthly laws as curfews or having to eat fruit. I’m never eating another apple, had been his first absurd thought.

= 237 words ?

‘It’s kind of loud in here isn’t it?’ she said, glancing at the door. ‘Do you smoke?’

‘Yes,’ Mattie lied.

‘You can keep me company.’

It was the first night of fresher’s week. The Glen Eyre halls complex was a hive abuzz with thousands of excited freshers. Some brought a single suitcase and a toaster. Others had enough tinned food to survive a minor nuclear holocaust.

After a frantic hour with a fussing mother by his side, Mattie found his new home; Old Terrace halls. He'd felt a flutter, the months of anticipation ended as he unpacked. No more curfews or having to eat fruit.

His first thought, ‘I’m never eating another apple.’

= 113 words – all there ?


less is more and - as ever ignore at will.

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