The Word Cloud

This is the second segment of chapter 1. I would really appreciate any feedback if you have the time.

Thanks to Islander8 and Minxie I have revised the piece and changed it around.

****

By the time the bus reached Eve’s stop the wind had increased, and bombarded her with icy bullets which stung her face. Pulling her scarf tighter she cursed her luck, and started off towards the home.

Her progress was slow and arduous. The houses were morphing into one constant row of red bricks, fused together by the blinding veil of snow. If it wasn’t for the odd Christmas tree or fairy lights in the windows, she wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

‘Christ, I hope I won’t get lost out here.’

Eve fought hard against the storm. Each tiresome step which carried her closer, her heart protested loud and fast, pounding hard in her chest. She decided to stop for a second or two and catch her breath. She cupped a hand over the face of her watch, and she turned her back to the bitter wind.

“Shit, quarter-past-six.” Her insides twisted into knots. “Kim’s going to kill me.”

She turned quick on her heels and started to run the rest of the way, hoping she wouldn’t slip over.


The home loomed ominous through the thick sheet of snow. Exhausted from running she came to a halt at the gate. She took a few deep breaths and walked up the path towards the front door.

She made one final attempt to steady her nerves, and shook the snow from her coat. Breathing deep, she raised her hand to the handle. The door flew open and she stumbled back in surprise. There in front of her stood Kim, her face all pinched and red with anger.

“Eve,” Kim growled. “What time do you call this? It’s a funny four-thirty.”

Kim’s stare penetrated her resolve, and a flush of guilt reddened her cheeks.

“W-well I, you see…”

“Don’t try and give me any of your excuses,” Kim shouted, before giving her a chance to explain. “Just go to your room.”

Eve squeezed past her and headed for the stairs.

“Shoes,” Kim bellowed, and slammed the front door.

Yanking them off her feet she ran up the stairs, and heard Kim’s moans fade in the distance as she reached the top.

“Christ that was lucky,” she mumbled, but knew there were bound to be repercussions later.

She headed to her room at the end of the corridor. Her thoughts lingered on her impending punishment.

“Shit… I’m really sorry Eve, didn’t see you there,” Sam said, crashing into her.

“Don‘t worry about it.” She picked up her bag which had been knocked from her shoulder. “It was my fault, I should really pay more attention.”

Sam raced off down the corridor, her blonde wavy hair flowed behind her like a bridal veil.

“Why the hurry Sam?”

“I’ll speak to you later,” she shouted, ignoring her question and disappeared around the corner.

“Okay then, see you later,” she mumbled to herself.

She knew it was wrong to think she’d be forgiven so easy, and she couldn’t really blame them if they’d decided to punish her.

Fumbling for the key in her coat pocket, Eve pulled it out and unlocked the door. She flicked on the light switch and stared into her room. The furnishing were sparse but practical - she’d never been a fan of clutter. The only addition, a poster of two fluffy grey kittens stuffed into a pair of rubber boots. Sam had insisted the room needed something to brighten it up. She fixed it to the wall opposite her bed, even though Eve had pleaded it wasn’t necessary.

Shaking her head, she closed the door behind her. She removed her wet coat, hat and scarf and hung them on the hook, happy her neatness could never get her in trouble.

Placing her bag on the chair she collapsed on the bed, grateful Kim had sent her to the solitude of her room, her safe haven away from everything.

A frightening reminder slipped unwanted into her head, it was also the place where the nightmares haunted her. She would wake screaming, covered in sweat, but the memories would never stay long enough for her to remember them.

She couldn’t tell which was worse, the fact of never remembering, or the intense horror which ripped through her body when she woke. It made her skin crawl thinking about it.

‘A game of solitaire seems good right now.’

She sprang from the bed and turned on the computer, and dispelled the terrifying thoughts from her mind. Settling down on the chair, she launched the internet browser and found the game-site she wanted.

Almost ten games had been completed when she was disturbed by a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” she asked, not wanting to speak to anyone at the moment.

“It’s Kim. I think you and me need to have a little chat.”

Sighing, she got up from the chair and took her time to open the door. Kim came barging into the room and spun round to face her. With only a small window of opportunity to speak before Kim let rip, she took her chance.

"Look, I’m sorry. I know I was late, and well… time seemed to fly past. But it’s blowing a blizzard out there, which made the bus late because the roads were so slippery. And today is my birthday,” she blurted out, and turned her red face to the floor hoping Kim would go easy.

“What’s the matter Eve, no colourful lies to sugar-coat your lateness for once.”

It appeared telling the truth hadn’t worked either, so she raised her head and looked at Kim. Her eyebrows, Eve noticed, were knitted together in a scowl and wrinkled the garish pink eye-shadow on her lids. She let her eyes wander to the tight squeeze of Kim’s folded arms, which had pushed her rather large chest upward to meet her sagging neck. By the look of things, any hope she had for redemption was lost.

“Look Eve, this has to stop. This isn‘t a hotel where you can come and go as you damn well please.”

Tears formed in her eyes and clouded her vision. Why she was crying mystified her, the last time it’d happened she was ten. But then, she thought it might be a good thing. What with recent events and her enormous aptitude of mucking things up, maybe it would help plead her case.

She Stifled a sob and wiped the tears on the sleeve of her jumper.

“What shall we do with you? Come here silly.” Kim said, her voice more gentle now.

Kim walked towards Eve, wrapped her in her arms and hugged her tight, almost suffocating her in the process.

Eve tried to talk, but not one single word was coherent enough to understand through her frantic sobs. She let go of her pent-up tension and surrendered, and her body shook as the tears flowed.

“Now, now,” Kim whispered. “You’ll make my blouse wet. That‘s enough of that, dry those pretty eyes of yours,” she added, brushing the hair from Eve’s face.

Lifting her head, her nose wrinkled at the scent of violets and rancid sweat which wafted up to greet her.

“Look at you, you’re all red and puffy.” Kim released her from her grip and the putrid aroma dispersed into the air. “Go splash some water on your face. I’ll give you fifteen minutes to calm yourself down, then come and see me in the living-room.” She walked towards the door. “But Eve, fifteen minutes and no longer, okay,” she said without looking back, and with that she was gone.

“Shit you’re a coward,” she groaned.

Wiping away the last of the tears, Eve headed to the little sink in the corner of her room. Tiny jack-hammers pounded relentless at her temples, and it was one of the reasons why she hated to cry. The other reason: she saw it as a weak flaw only to be used in the most dire of situations, and she’d just used that weakness to her advantage.

“Kim wasn’t wrong, look at me,” she moaned.

The whites of her eyes were raw with red veins, but she noticed something different about them. The emerald green of her irises were pulsating with tiny flecks of gold, which glistened in the dim light. She’d never seen this before and turned away shocked.

Hesitant to look again, her curiosity over-powered her fears and pulled her back towards the mirror.

She closed her lids tight, and her long wet lashes tickled her skin.

‘This is crazy.’

Her heart faltered, a flutter of nervous excitement spread through her body as she opened them again. Her excitement soon waned when she saw nothing there, her eyes looked the same as they always did.

“It must have been the tears,” she grumbled.

Splashing some cold water on her face, she decided it was best to forget the whole strange episode. There wasn’t any time to linger, Kim would be waiting and she didn’t want to be late again, well, not twice in the same day.

As she reached the bottom step she peered down the corridor and noticed the door to the living-room was ajar. She paused, not sure whether to enter or not, but the image of Kim tearing her to pieces jumped into her head and she soon changed her mind. She pushed open the door and entered at her peril.

“Surprise.” The voices rang out, reverberating round the room.

She cringed at their expectant faces and panicked, she had to act fast before anyone started to sing ‘Happy Birthday.’

“Wow… err… thanks,” she stammered, trying to hide her discomfort. “You shouldn’t have… done all this.”

Wishing it was nightmare, Eve stared bewildered at the balloons and streamers which adorned the ceiling and walls. Hoping if she pinched herself she would wake up back in her room.

Her cheeks burned. With slight trepidation, she scanned the room. Her eyes froze on the three girls who stood in the far corner, Jasmine, Rachael and Louise. They were the bane of her life and their scathing glares made her wince. She’d heard them whispering about a party this morning at breakfast, and knew it couldn’t have been this one.

“Sorry,” she mouthed, but the gesture was futile. ‘God. How was I ever friends with you.’

Turning away she caught a glimpse of Sam, her face alight with a massive smile.

‘I know why you were in such a hurry now.’

In response, a weak smile curled the corners of Eve’s mouth.

“Well… better late than never.” She heard someone snigger behind her.

Eve spun round to face them, not at all surprised to see Jason, one of her friends towering over her. An impish grin lit up his whole face, and it was impossible not to smile back at him.

Every time she saw him he appeared older, and didn’t look anywhere near the age of sixteen, which of course he was. His lumbering height was a major factor, but it was the strong chiselled features of his face which gave him an air of seniority.

His eyes were a different story altogether. They were a beautiful deep chocolate brown in colour encased in long lustrous black lashes, powerful magnets with the ability to draw you in.

“Yeah that‘s right. Take your time,” Jasmine scowled, and broke the spell she was under. “Some of us have more important things to do,” she added, whilst she stroked her flawless jet black hair.

Jasmine had moved to the middle of the room. Eve couldn’t help but notice the tight gold sequined party dress which hugged her perfect figure. By the looks of Jason, neither could he.

She aimed a sharp jab to his right arm.

“Ouch, what did you do that for,” Jason yelped, and rubbed his arm.

“Because you’re staring,” Eve tried to mumble so Jasmine wouldn’t hear.

“It’s hard not to,” he replied, glaring at her.

Rachael and Louise sneered at her. They reminded her of the three witches in ‘Macbeth,’ and she pictured them huddled over their cauldron casting some evil spell.

“Why me,” she whispered. ‘Please, why won‘t someone stop this.’

The lights went out and the room was cast into darkness. Eve could hear the sound of their groans and giggles all moulded together into one unusual noise.

Someone coughed behind her. She turned her head and saw the corridor illuminated with a flickering golden light.

‘Oh please no.’

In all the din, she’d failed to hear Kim creep up on her. But there she now stood with a huge birthday cake resting in her hands.

“Out of the way Eve,” she murmured, with a glint of happiness in her voice.

Resigned to her fate she stepped aside and let Kim enter, unable to stop herself from counting the eighteen candles as she walked past.

Before she had a chance to protest a painful rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ was sung.

‘Just kill me now.’ Wishing the ground would open and swallow her up.

“Blow out the candles Eve. And don’t forget to wish for something.”

It was Michael, Jason’s double and collaborate in crime. The homes resident practical joker and the last in her trio of friends.

“For crying out loud can‘t you go any quicker.” The unpleasant tone of Jasmine’s voice broke through.

Eve hurried to blow out the candles, glad no one could see how red her face was.

As she bent over poised ready to blow, something about the flames held her attention and she found herself staring into them. Images began to appear, hazy and fractured at first, but as she gazed deeper her eyes widened with fright at the picture emerging before her.

People in strange clothes were running everywhere, terrified - burning and she could sense their horrified torment. The heat scorched her skin with each lick of the flames. Their piercing screams of agony echoed in her ears. It took every ounce of strength to tear her eyes away.

The blood coursed through her veins icy cold. Every hair stiffened to attention all over her body. She could feel the colour drain from her face, as the whooshing in her head spun the room out of control. She was losing consciousness.

The last thing she saw was the brown carpet as it raced towards her, and she crumpled in a heap on the floor.

“Eve, what’s the matter?” The voice whispered, as everything turned to black.

Sassie, “Kim wasn’t wrong, look at me," she groaned. The whites of her eyes looked raw, lined by unattractive red veins.

I have to admit Sass, I stopped at the part where she hoped not to slip over. For me - and this is just me so take it with a piece of salt - the voice does nothing for me , there is no personality in her throughts, they are almost victorian. will be interesting to see what the other cloudies think - like I say, its probably just me.

Hi Sassie.

I have to say I really enjoyed reading this. It's been a long day for Eve and I like the extra hints you've given that she isn't who she thinks she is via the emerald green eyes.

I could really picture the ending too. A great way to get the page turned! I'm finding it very interesting and entertaining to read.

Mainly at the beginning half, and a little after that, you use quite long sentences. There's nothing wrong with doing that as they do work, but I found there were too many too close together which was a bit offputting. I'd like to see them broken up a little personally. Not meaning to gripe as that's personal opinion and I thought it was very well written and enjoyed reading it a lot!

Thanks you three for taking the time to have a look.

Islander8 - I'm happy that you found it intriguing, it's means I must be doing something right. But you're right about the over-explaining and words ending in -ing, I will take a closer look at those. Thank you.

Noodledoodle - Thanks for trying, it's one of those things that happen, you can't please everyone or make them like what you write. Eve is an old soul which comes out later on, so sometimes she slips without knowing. But anyway, thank you.

Minxie - Thank you for your kind words, you seem to get who Eve is and that means something. You are right about the over-extended sentences, I do have a problem with them, at least now with your comments and Islander's, I can see where it's going wrong, so a big thank you for pointing it out to me.
Do hope your own writing is going well.

I've had another stab at it, if you have the time could you take another look.

Hi Sassie, I'm not the greatest at grammar, but I noticed a huge amount of 'ing' words that started sentences, and some of them were wrong.

Yanking them off her feet she ran up the stairs. (She can't do both actions simultaneously - and what happened to the shoes?)
Placing her bag on the chair she collapsed on the bed. (She can't do both actions simultaneously.)
Lifting her head, her nose wrinkled at the scent of violets (Her nose didn't lift her head.)
Wiping away the last of the tears, Eve headed to the little sink in the corner of her room. (More difficult. Who was wiping away the tears? Implicit it was Eve, but she was doing something else.) Better structure: Eve wiped away her tears, and headed to the little sink in the corner of the room.

I would suggest you take another look at all of the 'ing' phrases and think about reconstructing the sentences. Hopefully, someone on Cloud will help you out and explain it a lot more clearly than me. If you post some of your examples in Writing Techniques section of Forum, there are some red-hot experts who could explain.
Hope that helps

It read really well before, but this has improved the piece for me. I am always worried about giving advice as we all have our own style and I like yours, so wouldn't want to spoil that! However, the shorter sentencing at the start in particular have added to the atmosphere. It felt more like she was out in a storm, hurrying to get home as she was late as it felt more dramatic.

Lovely writing and I love the way the storyline is building. I like Eve as she is so down to earth. I think that will work in your favour in this novel as to make a reader believe anything we want, we need to create characters which can be related to, liked and believed. Loving it.

Well done Sassie - this works a lot better. Good luck with the rest of it now. It helps to get tips otherwise there is a lot od editing to do at the end - I know all about it! I'm really glad you found my advice helpful...

Hey!

I'm an inexperienced writer so what i say could be wrong, but i think it could do with being cut down, some of it went on to long and gave irrelevant information. Like just stuff that wasn't needed so you could read through and edit it out make it more to the point.
Some readers like a long drawn out book, but i get impatient, so it is an objective opinion i think, maybe see if anyone else mentioned it.
Your ending was really good though and made me want to read on.

Hope i helped
x

Thanks again for taking another look at it.

Minxie - Your words are always kind, have had some really crap reviews on this segment (not on here of course), people don't seem to get her, they say she's not believable as a character because no one in real life would behave like that. So to find someone who does get her means a lot.


Islander8 - I'm glad I'm going in the right direction, and of course I find your advice helpful, you explain things that need looking at, which is what I need, so thanks for helping.


Stephen - Yes I still seem to have a problem with -ing words, especially at the start of a sentence. I'm trying to work my way around them, but don't want to start nearly every paragraph with either 'Eve' or 'she', but I'm trying to figure that out.
As to sentence structure, I get your point, I'll take a look at the group you suggested.


crimefan - Thanks for your comment, but what parts do you think needed editing, I'd honestly like to know, because if I've missed big chunks that need cutting I'd value your opinion.
Glad you liked the ending and your kind comment.


Well, still need to do better, but thank you all for taking the time to read it.

Sassie

It's certainly readable, and you do get inside Eve's head pretty well. There is lots of ebb and flow varying the locations, so it never gets boring or bogged down. I must confess I came in on this segment, I haven't read the first 5 pages, but I managed to pick up the story quite well I hope.

"she shouted, ignoring her question" (Sam / Eve)

"She fixed it to the wall opposite her bed" (Sam / Eve)

"Kim released her from her grip" (Eve / Kim)

"she said without looking back, and with that she was gone. “Shit you’re a coward,” she groaned" (Kim / Kim / Eve)

You need to replace some of those with the name of the person, e.g. "she shouted, ignoring Eve's question".

2. typo : "furnishing" needs an s

3. You say "A frightening reminder slipped unwanted into her head, it was also the place where the nightmares haunted her." Well yes - where else would nightmares haunt other than in the head? Doesn't really need saying.

I will look forward to see where this is all going.

Hi Eleanor.

Thanks for the pointers, really need to keep a close eye on that, I can see where it could get confusing. Will adjust the typo too.

I'll take a look at changing the reminder piece, thanks for pointing the so obvious statement that I missed, it's why I find this site helpful.

Thanks for your comments, it's nice when someone says they don't find your work boring, means a lot.

Okay, later when i have more time i'll read through it and let you know. It's not really big chunks that needing taken out just like a few sentences and the odd word.
I always try taking out 'ly' words wherever they're not needed.

I look for you later
x

Hey again, It's hard to revise on a computor screen, words look different, on a printed copy your eyes will catch more mistakes. Don't ask me why. So these are my thoughts:

'Eve fought hard against the storm. Each tiresome step which carried her closer, her heart protested loud and fast, pounding hard in her chest. She decided to stop for a second or two and catch her breath. She cupped a hand over the face of her watch, and she turned her back to the bitter wind'

In my opinion not really needed and there's no useful information in it, we know there's a storm already. we know her pacing is slow. It's more or less a repeat of above.

'Her insides twisted into knots.' Didn't feel necessary, when she said:
“Shit, quarter-past-six.” i thought oh no she's late and i got a bit tense, then you said the line, 'Her insides twisted into knots.' and for some reason that tension was gone, for a moment, maybe you broke her thought trail with this line. The second line of dialogue brought it back though.

'she turned quick on her heels and started to run the rest of the way, hoping she wouldn’t slip over.' Doesn't need cutting out just re-writing it feels a bit awkward.

'“Don’t try and give me any of your excuses,” Kim shouted, before giving her a chance to explain. “Just go to your room.”
She was meant to have shouted this, in dialogue it's good to break it up but if you put to much in a tense scene or an arugment it can kill the emotion.
"Don't try to give me any excuses! Just go to your room." That impacts me more, and it's not a long sentences so doesn't really need breaking up.

'Sam raced off down the corridor, her blonde wavy hair flowed behind her like a bridal veil.'
Again could be taken out not that interesting, i'm still a little shaken that Eve got told off and what she's going to do next, and wondering who Kim is to her, i don't want another character to think about right now, not in detail anyway.

'and dispelled the terrifying thoughts from her mind' that could go too.

'she added, brushing the hair from Eve’s face.' Kind of not needed as well.

'she added, whilst she stroked her flawless jet black hair.'


Wishing the ground would open and swallow her up. The line before it 'Just kill me now.' is quite funny and so i'd take this sentence out. Let the funnpy bit tsand on it's own, she's a bit embarrassed but we all get a certain tingle from embarrassing people, it think it's better alone.

I maybe have missed stuff but this is only my opinion and as i say i'm inexperienced myself, maybe someone on here will read what i've said and tell you whether i'm right or wrong. Also i haven't read the whole thing, so they're may be bits i thought weren't important that are later on so bare that in mind.

xxx