The Word Cloud

This is my opening chapter, and therefore really important but I know it hasn’t worked. I have another flashback in it, but don’t worry, as the next one isn’t until around chapter 5 and I’m not planning on overdoing them. I just want to relay the story through flashback and Julia’s second sight as it seems like the best way of doing it.

I find the more direction I need to introduce in to a chapter, the harder it is for me to write (possibly because I’ve been writing in screenplay form the past few years + which is quite ‘cold’ and very visual) – I need to learn how to direct seamlessly and interestingly as well as realise that I don’t need to mention every movement, so any advice will be gratefully received.

CHAPTER 1

Julia sat in her 6^th form lesson watching the wiry, red hand of the clock ticking her life away, second by second.

Her thoughts were drifting as they often did during Mr Peters’ class.

She remembered when her nan was alive. Things were better then.

Nanna was a bit dotty, but everyone loved her and if they had a problem it was Nanna they came to see.

She told fortunes. Chiefly palm reading but she also read tealeaves and practised tarot. She could see worlds that nobody else could see.

‘This world isn’t in colour, Julia! I’ve been shown colour in the other worlds. Red is vibrant and yellow burns your eyes. Not like the reds and yellow in this drab world!’

Nanna had an amazing way of speaking. Everyone listened to her even if she did appear to be talking complete rubbish at times.

Julia knew she had ‘the gift,’ as her nan called it, but she had refused to give in to it. She didn’t want any more trouble. It wasn’t that she wanted to be popular; she liked her own space too much for that, but she did think it would be nice to be liked or, at the very least, accepted.

‘Julia. Do you have any thoughts on this?’ Mr Peters screeched his chalk across the blackboard to spell out the question, ‘DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN FOR A REASON?’

He looked over his right shoulder at Julia as he dotted the question mark.

‘I think it’s something people say to make themselves feel better when things go wrong.’

Mr Peters noted Julia’s point as number 1 under the capitalised heading.

‘Good point Julia.

‘Anyone else?’

‘I keep having strange experiences.’ Julia couldn’t believe she had just blurted that out in class, but it seemed relevant to the question. She knew everyone thought she was weird, and for some unexplained reason, she always managed to reinforce her weirdness with more weirdness, which was never a good idea.

‘Weirdo!’

Mandy Richards’s muttered insult was nothing new. Julia had never fitted in but she was relieved when, quite a few years earlier, she had come to the conclusion that she didn’t want to anyway. Besides, she had once read that if a person knows they’re not normal it means they can’t be mad. At least not totally mad!

Julia could feel Mandy Richards’s eyes burning in to the side of her head. Since nursery Mandy had hated Julia and had somehow managed to encourage most of her school buddies to feel the same way.

‘If it relates to the topic, Julia, then go on.’ Mr Peters turned his back and poised his chalk next to the freshly written number 2.

‘Well I... I sort of believe... Well, I... I think, that we all have outside influences which affect everything we do. I don’t mean like the bus turning up late because a car has broken down; I mean that the outside influences are generated by ourselves, so they’re not outside of our control even though we think that they are. We have the ultimate say in what we choose as our next scenario. A bit like when people think things will go wrong and then they do. I believe that we sort of choose the negative and then force it to happen.’

‘Loopy.’ Mandy coughed a further insult.

‘What if we could pre-empt the bus being late so we could arrive at the bus stop earlier, or somehow manage to prevent the car from breaking down in the first place? What if all our lives were somehow linked like a spiders web, and each thread is influenced by our own thoughts.’

‘Interesting idea Julia, but that’s not really what I’m asking. I want to know if you believe that events outside of our control happen for a reason, not whether we can control them, which of course, we cannot.’

‘But I believe that we can control them. Or at least, we have the choice of controlling them by our states of mind. If we expect bad things to happen, then they will.’

Led by Mandy, the room erupted in to laughter.

Julia stared at the wiry, red second hand on the clock counting down the minutes and waited for the bell to terminate her humiliation.

I've commented in the group. Minx ;-)

I liked this but the word nanna interupted the flow for me .... I'd start reading and then that word would slow me down. Other then that too me I think it was a good piece of writing.

This is so YA writing - love it :) I have read a lot of YA books in my time, they are fun to read and true escapism. This reminded me of the house of Night Series - have you read some? She has a nana in that. I have to admit I agree with Katie, it did stop the flow. Then again, if it has a point it has to stay. I suggest you read one to know what's out there - the first one is called Marked. It is Vamp based, but very much written in this style.

From a writing point of view, the formatting made it hard to follow at the beginning. Generally, I think there is a fair bit of 'telling' going on. Try to 'show' more. I've had a stab at it - see what you think?? :)

Julia sat on the hard, wooden chair during her sixth form lesson, head in hands. She watched the wiry, red hand of the clock ticking her life away, second by second, and urged it to hurry up. It was difficult to stay focused during Mr Peters’ class. Something about his voice always made her drift into her thoughts. All she could think of was her nan, or more importanly, when her nan was alive. Things were better then.

Hi Minxie,

You have an interesting MC in Julia and the chapter sets up some general weirdness that should drive your plot along well.

But why start with Julia remembering her Nan's oddness? Does the reader really need to know that first up? Why not leap straight into the conflict with Mandy and Julia and Julia's conflict between wanting to fit in and her desire to tell what she believes is true? On that subject, wouldn't Julia have learned to keep her mouth closed to minimise her 'weirdo' factor by the 6th form?

Perhaps, rather than have her (for no apparant reason) blurt out what she thinks, she could be challenged by the teacher to offer an opinion on a point made by Mandy. Then in desperation to think of something because she doesn't want to admit she hasn't been paying attention she blurts out her belief?

On that subject, Julia's explanation doesn't really sound natural to me and seems contradictory as well. If I have the right end of the stick about what Julia means, perhaps something like...

‘Well I... I sort of believe... Well, I... I think, that we all have believe outside influences which affect everything we do. I don’t mean that happens; like the bus turning up late because a car has broken down. I believe mean think that we generate the outside influences are generated by ourselves, so they’re not outside of our control even though we think that they are. We have the ultimate say in what we choose as our next scenario. A bit like when people think things will go wrong and then they do. I believe that we sort of choose the negative and then force it to happen.’

‘What if we could (how is arriving at a bus stop early for a bus that is late going to help?) pre-empt the bus being late so we could arrive at the bus stop earlier, or somehow manage to prevent the car from breaking down in the first place? What if all our lives were somehow linked like a spiders web, and each thread is influenced by our own thoughts.’

It looks like good stuff overall to me.

Hi Minxie.

Glad to see a new piece, especially chapter 1.

I liked Julia's quirky nature from your previous instalment, but I think it's lost by introducing Nana so early on. It should be focused more on her not Nana (hey, I had the exact same problem!), I'd like to see her character develope first. So perhaps it might be better to introduce her further on in the story. Only my opinion though.

As to what Malcolm pointed out, I agree. The paragraph explaining her slant on things needs to be cut down a little, so as to make it easier to read.

The episode between Julia and Mandy could do with an added line on how it makes her feel. Could be anger, embarrassment or something else. Maybe just a small sideline perhaps. But again only my opinion.

I'm not experienced in giving reviews, so please take these comments as my opinion only.

Overall, you write in a way that's believable, and really do enjoy your form of writing, and I can't wait for more of the same (please more!).

Thank you Ely :]

Thanks Katie - it's definitely a problem which has been pointed out to me. I shall look at it again and try to limit the use and/or change nanna to nan so it's not over powering to the reader. Thanks for pointing it out as it's something I need to work on for sure!

Thank you Islander. I haven't read any YA since Goosebumps, when Aaron was a teenager and became addicted to them! I'm glad that it has a slot! Julia does swear and I wonder if that's okay - I shall have to look at YA guidelines and see? Thanks for the advice too. I am aware that I do tend to tell and I want Julia to speak for herself and for the reader to be drawn in more, so I shall look at that again and try to improve the character/reader relationship. I'm finding it all quite difficult, but fun as well. Thanks again for your help.

Hi Malcolm. Thanks for the angle. I like it and it would help me to show Julia rather than tell. I need nanna to be mentioned a little as the next chapter switches between the three worlds, so I want to give the reader a hint. However, I agree 100% that I have overdone it. A little daydream to give a hint would work much better as there's plenty of time to introduce nana and I need to let people know Julia first. I knew that section in particular didn't work, and I wasn't sure why. I've definitely added too much info in and not give Julia enough of a voice. Many thanks for commenting as it's sorted out the chapter brilliantly.

Thanks Sassie. Brilliant guidance. Again, I agree 100% and really do appreciate the help. I really do need the help as I find it difficult not to info dump in particular. When writing a screenplay, I just tell it how it is and that needs to be shown more when writing, ie 'the room was dark,' 'Julia fumbled for the lightswitch.' I'm so over the moon with the comments as they're not only pointing out what's not quite right, but giving me excellent pointers on how to manage them. Thank you again for your help... I'm still having fun writing it too, so am pleased about that! :]

Fascinatingly readable. Definitely the start of an interesting story. I agree with most of the points above, except the "Nana" thing (I had no problem with the name). My main difficulty was with this paragraph :

Thank you Eleanor.

It is a bit long winded and I shall take a good look at it. I'm so glad you liked it and felt it was readable! That's put a huge grin on my face as it's great to know someone's enjoying something you've written! I can see I've enforced Julia's views too much and this needs a bit of a crop! Many thanks for reading..

Good stuff Minxie! I think you've got something special with this intro. I'm not saying I think it's hit the mark - and you said as much at the start, but it has a very agreeable blend of young and old, calm and excitement that I have an idea will work well as it develops.

There's a theme in the critiques so far, and I think it sums up my feelings about the piece. I don't know if this was actually written first, but for me, I get the impression that it has (possibly) too much of the whole story in it, as though you had ideas for the story and they spilled out in the first chapter - Julia has a gift and it's like this... she has/had a nana (nanna?) who was like this... she has enemies who are like this... and so on. these are things that can emerge at their own pace.

You have a really attractive voice in this - very beguiling. I hope that's still there after the edit!

Hi Minxie hope you had a fab Birthday. I read this the other day and I liked it. I am wondering though if you are introducing too much too soon? It's very cleverly done, the interaction between her and the teacher but at the same time do you give too much away about her before we see a little of her gift. Maybe it could open with a display of her gift? ... just an idea. Oh - just read Ath's comment above. But, that having been said Minxie, it is a voice I would follow quite easily :-)

Thank you Athelstone and Noodles. Bday was fab thanks, and am seeing a band on Friday to finish it off in style! 8]

I'm really pleased you both feel you could get in to it from the writing. That means a lot as I struggle and my writing can be quite surfacy and one dimensionla.

I have been looking at this chapter again and am going to cut it down quite a lot. You're right Athelstone, I am in too much of a hurry to give it all away, when there's really no need just yet. It's better for the reader to wonder a little bit and then have info pieced together as they read.

Noodles - you're suggestion of a display of her gift is excellent. She knows she has it, but is in denial, so she is used to the weirdness but at the same time is ammune, so doesn't react to it as we would. I will definitely be looking at that side of things more and leaving the experiences Julia has open to the readers' interepreation a bit more.

More helpful comments and encouragement (I really need that as I'm struggling) - Thank you both :]

Hi

A little bit about 'technique'...

CHAPTER 1

Julia sat in her 6^th form lesson watching the wiry, red hand of the clock ticking her life away, second by second.

Her thoughts were drifting as they often did during Mr Peters’ class.

She remembered when her nan was alive. Things were better then.

Nanna was a bit dotty, but everyone loved her and if they had a problem it was Nanna they came to see.

She told fortunes. Chiefly palm reading but she also read tealeaves and practised tarot. She could see worlds that nobody else could see.

‘This world isn’t in colour, Julia! I’ve been shown colour in the other worlds. Red is vibrant and yellow burns your eyes. Not like the reds and yellow in this drab world!’

Nanna had an amazing way of speaking. Everyone listened to her even if she did appear to be talking complete rubbish at times.

Julia knew she had ‘the gift,’ as her nan called it, but she had refused to give in to it. She didn’t want any more trouble. It wasn’t that she wanted to be popular; she liked her own space too much for that, but she did think it would be nice to be liked or, at the very least, accepted.


... what about trusting the reader more...

CHAPTER 1

Julia sat in her 6^th form lesson watching the clock tick her life away.

Her thoughts drifted as they often did during Mr Peters’ class.

She remembered Nanna. Things were better then. A bit dotty, but everyone loved Nanna. They came to her with problems.

She told fortunes. Palm reading and tarot. She could see.

‘This world isn’t in colour, Julia! Red is vibrant and yellow burns your eyes. Not like the reds and yellow in this drab world!’

Everyone listened even if she appeared to talk rubbish at times.

Julia had Nanna's gift but she had refused to give in to it. Julia wanted to be accepted.


this is good ...it's the less is more thing...

as ever - ignore at will.

Hi Biker.

I sort of write, then edit, but don't want to lose my voice too much by cutting it down to the basics. Part of my enjoyment is to let it flow and try to use my own imaginative way of painting the storyline. In doing that I am a little wordy and am trying to deal with it as I go. Even though I take it seriously in that I want to learn and improve, I really love expressing me when I write. Not everyone's cup of tea but I'm a coffee drinker so that's okay.

Even though I'm not writing in first person, I want Julia's thoughts to come through as I write. It's tricky getting the balance right of what I need to say and what Julia needs to show, but I have to judge that and try to keep the reader interested in my writing - if they're not, I'm never going to 'make it' but I like how I write and am writing mainly for personal pleasure.

Hi Minxie - got into this late, and it seems a storm is brewing. While you know I write with a minimalistic style, this piece deserves a little more expansion to suit yours. I think you could bring a little more of the world into your classroom, maybe some sensory things to make it into 3D, and bring it to life more.

I did like the clock ticking her life away, and the complete circle back to it at the end. Very imaginative. Smack Mandy for me, will you...

Great narrative, Minxie. It is a the beginning of a good story and well told. Some of the 'criticism' is a bit off: why should you rewrite or shorten the story. It works perfectly well, written in your own voice, and I really look forward to seeing where Julia takes us on her journey...

Hi Minxie

I'm a coffee drinker too - and hey, you write how you want. I'm just a minimalist junkie.

Thank you Stephen. I'm glad you like the clock theme as I was 'warned' that I may get stick for it (not knowing all the stupid rules) but left it in as I thought it worked okay. I know I need to work on making it a lot more 3D, so thanks for your comments.

Thanks too John. I'm glad you like the voice as it's virtually impossible to change. Yeah, I can learn how to control it a bit better, but I think it's impossible for any of us to change it completely without it being fake... I don't want to be fake - just me...

Thanks Biker. Not overwriting, but keeping true to myself is a line I'm still moving backward and forward, but I don't want to write to someone else's taste. I know that may mean never getting anywhere, but if I can write to my taste accurately and properly, I'll be a lot happier with what I produce. I do appreciate criticism and comments, but I aint changing for noooooooobody ;)

Hi Minxie,

I enjoyed reading your piece and thought it zipped along nicely. It set a scene well, though I think it would benefit from a bit more sense of that classroom. I could see her staring at the clock, I could feel some of the bitchiness going on, but wanted a bit more sense of who was there, the sounds, the smells, the movements.

I agree with Biker that there should be less telling more showing. The following leaped at me for being a bit clumsy.

She knew everyone thought she was weird, and for some unexplained reason, she always managed to reinforce her weirdness with more weirdness, which was never a good idea.

I'd leave the nana reminiscence until further in. It distracts from the opening.

Thanks PJ.

I find it difficult to add descriptions without it being bulky, but I know it's something I need to work on. I find the more detail I need to give, the worse my telling instead of showing seems to become. I wanted to give a hint about nana and Julia's gift in this chapter because the next chapter switches between three different worlds, and although I want the reader to work out what's going on, I thought it best to give them a hint. I shall look at that again though, as the chapters build as I don't want to ram nana down peoples' throats too much! Thanks for commenting and for the help - I've got so much to think about, but it's worth it to get it right!

I know what you mean about description. I struggle with that myself. But I've found that sometimes just a couple of sentences to break up some of the dialogue works and I try to keep it fairly simple. Good luck with your story, it sounds like a great premise

I'm going to disagree (to an extent) with biker and Pj. While less is frequently more it's not always so. Biker has reduced things to such a minimum it comes across (IMO) as staccato and a little barren. I think you are wise to ensure you retain your own voice. While showing is usually better than telling, it isn't always. EmmaD has a blog on showing and telling and its worth a read.

Thanks for your comment Malcolm.

I shall definitely check out Emma's blog!

I used to write (years ago) then stopped. I started again when I found an old ms in the attic cupboard! I've only just really come back to writing in this form, and there are so many rules that it's easy to forget your creativity and lose yourself. I am grateful for the help as I'm literally just writing without thinking about it too much in the hope that it will come naturally at some point so I can combine my voice with writing without so many hiccups! I've been redrafting following the advice and am seeing a huge difference to the technique - it's definitely reigning in the flow in all the right places! I was reading Emma and Deb's work on Steve's work yesterday - it's excellent and I know we need rules to get our writing to that standard. Thanks for the help. :]

Hi there
Not much good at giving out criticism as I am pretty useless in that regard. I do however read a lot and your chapter makes me want to read more. I like it very much.