The Man In The White Suit.
| Mon, Jan 30 2012 09:21pm GMT 1 | ||
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zoolane 86 Posts |
The Man In The White Suit.
Chapter 1
A man stood against wall on platform two at Victoria station. He
was wear a pure white tailored suit probably from savile row.
With palm hat, black rimmed glasses. Tapping the concrete floor
with hes black cane and had a smiling a wick grin. Hustle and
bustle of the passengers going about their everyday life.
The man with the white hat glance at direction of in come passers
by trickle down steps. He slow move away from wall, gentle with a
cane he walking Kris crossing through the crowd, with every few
minutes he would look up like he was looking for someone. Train
for the district line heading for Upminster was due. Soaring
train came to stop, everyone crammed on. Just as the door was
about close a tan shoe with cane step on, follow by a rest of
him. With nudge here and there with the cane, he made his way to
other side of carriage and peering through window of door that
let other part of train. The man try hard to keep to himself to
himself so does not have touch anyone, he just touch the handle
of door and he immediate pull out cleanse wipes from pack out of
hes pocket. Viciously cleaning his hands for 5 minutes but still
looking intensely through the window.
Voice came through the speaker ''Tower Hill station is next'',
the doors begrudge pulled part and few people got off. A head
with Palm hat on, got off to. Now man with tailored suit has
olive skin finally comes stride into Mayday sun. Soft walking
down the road with taking care not scuff he tan hand made shoes.
Just few yards in front of him is merchant banker from the Royal
Bank of England. With bowler hat and umbrella and Trent coat over
hes right arm. He turn with military prestige to the left to
green grass of a park with few benchs with lake. The banker sway
to the second bench in middle of park. Sitting down with the
financial times and hes lunch out of briefcase which hiding under
Trent coat.
That other end of bench, black rimmer man sat down, quick have
good look around, he pulled out from inside of hes pocket a brown
envelop place it in the middle them both. Casually banker hand
move closer and pick it up, place in nap in front of the
financial time, opened it check to if money was all there.
It was so he slow place big white envelop down and man in white
pick up and check content. He got up to leave and as pass by the
banker. He turn the handle of the cane to right and out pop
blade. He places in banker neck been care that no one saw what he
did. Lend forward over the dead man and pick the evelop from the
paper.
Olive skin man quick draw out other wipe for hes hands and other
for bottom if hes cane. This he take up to ten minutes to washed
the away the brutal deed at he just commit. Walking through the
peaceful park, he mind is tick over with he next step and pat he
breast pocket and with cunning grin. Reached the number twenty
seven bus stop on high road. Red bus open in it door for man with
hes white hat and cane to get on. He pay his fare. Pull a napkin
from hes trouser pocket and placed on the seat before allow him
sit down. Out come the wipes for hes hands again.
Gentle sway with bus as it move, he close hes chocolate brown
eyes and look like hes snooze. After about fifteen minutes later,
he rose up and took he napkin. Use napkin press bell and balance
without hold on to rail. The man in white suit stepped off bus
and headed for one bedroom flat in Bethnal Green in east London.
Enter he accommodation, closed the curtains, put of radio on
medium volume and make himself strong cup earl gray tea with two
biscuits on side of sourcer. Sitting that hes writing bureau,
pulling the envelops out from breast pocket.
White one go into clubbed hole and the other one is open and the
man as still got the white hat on. Place the sheets of paper in
front of him and started put line through names. About half an
hour past and two cups of earl Grey later hes was left with five
names. He glance in mirror with satiated but on he is immaculate
suit he notices little but annoying red spot.
He started by put shower on and going to hes wardrobe. He is
disguise with himself for get blood on himself. He think is how
inconsider of that horrid little man to throw hes blood on me. I
wonder if the dry cleaner will be able to remover in or just buy
new one from savile row.
Taking out other crisp white suit, with the hat to match and tan
shoes. He spend forty minutes on grooming himself and is ready to
leave but this time he takes white cane.
He looking in mirror and admiring himself now smart, clean and he
remind himself of man from Casablanca film.
He halt black cab from Roman Road, and directed the cab driver to
The Dorchester Hotel in Mayfair.
Black cab driver try have to polite conversation but he does not
engaged with man in flawless white suit. The man with tan shoes
leave cab,he marchs forward The Dorchester and the footman open
the door for him.
Waiting near the entrance of hotel restaunt was middle aged semi
attractive women. She flick her hair, in smooth, long red dress,
she turn around to see him come. She gave little smile, wave and
her eyes lit up like candles. They showed to centre table with
roses in vase and table lay perfectly. The man with white hat get
he napkin front his breast pocket and placed in on chair.
The waiter ask them if want anything while decide what to order.
He gave her box with dark green paper on outside. She gasp with
excitement with her gift. She was rather plain look women, with
dark ginger hair, deep navy blue eyes and deep rose lipstick.
She spoke with high pitch sort of voice that going out through
you.
She shierk with excitment '' Thank you my dearest''.
She can not believe her luck that she land such
handsome,intelligence generous man as this, she wish that she
tell the world special her mother so she prove to her that she is
woman and not been left on shelf. The place were she working is
Royal Bank of England, she want to so much to tell gossips that
she is glamour and desirable women it her own right.
The man with white tailored suit spoke with smooth, velvet tone
with Italian accent
''Your welcome my love''.
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| Mon, Jan 30 2012 10:02pm GMT 2 | ||
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EleanorW 177 Posts |
I've not seen your work before zoolane. It's clear that English is
not your first language!
But, there is a charm to this language, even though it takes a
few minutes to decipher what has been written. In fact, I like
the strange language the story is told in better than I like the
story itself. It starts very well, and I enjoyed it until the two
men are on the park bench and one gets killed. From there on, it
didn't appeal so much (but maybe that's just me).
I would be interested to see the same story told in perfect
English, just to see if something has been "lost in translation"?
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| Mon, Jan 30 2012 10:36pm GMT 3 | ||
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MinxieAD 278 Posts |
Hi Zoolane
I've joined your group, so shall pop in there to comment. |
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| Tue, Jan 31 2012 12:28am GMT 4 | ||
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Tony 2114 Posts |
Hi Zoolane. It's good that you have included little details in your
story that the reader can feel familiar with, but when you do, you
must ensure they are accurate. A train passing through Victoria
heading for Earls Court would be on the District line, not the
Circle. Alighting at West Kensington he would not find any parks
nearby; certainly nothing with a lake. Chalk Farm is near Camden in
north London, not east London, but his flat is in Stepney anyway,
apparently (which is , of course, east London) but nowhere near
Chalk Farm.
Get these little geographic detail right and they do add to the interest of your story, however be careful not to include too much trivial detail. I found the bus journey was a bit tedious, for example; you could have simply stated that he caught a number 27 bus back across London to his flat in Stepney. (I havn't checked that - does the number 27 run from Kensington to Stepney?) You have an intriguing story developing. Who is this ultra-festidious man in white? Why did he murder his contact in the 'park'? And what is his relationship to the woman, who feels lucky to have found him, and who happens to work at the same bank as the murdered man? By the way, is the Royal Bank of England a ficticious bank that you have invented, or do you mean the Bank of England (which has no 'Royal' in its name)? Or did you mean, perhaps, the Royal Bank of Scotland (which does have the 'Royal')? I hope you are finding the writing of your story a really enjoyable experience. Writ on, Zoolane. |
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| Tue, Jan 31 2012 01:14pm GMT 5 | ||
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zoolane 86 Posts |
First of Eleanor I am true east ender and I am dyslexia. Tenses
very issues with as well few more. So this story I am very proud
of. The scene of the men in park is quite vital to rest of story.
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| Tue, Jan 31 2012 02:33pm GMT 6 | ||
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zoolane 86 Posts |
Thank you Eleanor and Tony for your feedback.
When I wrote the story did not occur to stick to
geographic reference but you mention it would make sense
to do it within the story. I see what can do about bus journey
for more tune with rest story. 'Royal Bank Of
England' is ficticious bank. I am also happy that you so
many qeustions about character and plot.
I made group in same name as story.
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| Tue, Jan 31 2012 04:52pm GMT 7 | ||
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EleanorW 177 Posts |
Wow, I'm full of admiration zoolane. I made my comment about
'not being English' based on two things : 1. because the story
reads like someone from the Far East speaking English,
and 2. because I mistook your photo as looking like someone from -
e.g. - Thailand. I was wrong on both counts!
You have a gift for observation and story-telling, and I
will look forward to seeing more. Dyslexia has given your use of
language a charm of its own, and I think it is something you can
- and do - use to good purpose in your writing. It is a unique
experience.
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| Tue, Jan 31 2012 09:23pm GMT 8 | ||
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zoolane 86 Posts |
OK first time for everything, Thailand hmm. Thank you for comment
about gift of observation and story telling.
I had made group with same name as the story.With this chapter
and 2,3, and feel to take over.
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