The Word Cloud

Chapter 1

Bright lights rushed past me. I was on a gurney, being pushed at what seemed like a hundred miles per hour. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t even stay conscious. I flitted in and out of darkness as if I were a train travelling in and out of tunnels. Then the train stopped. I was lifted off and boarded another. This one didn’t move. Blurred faces looked down at me. Lights were shone in my eyes. I just wished someone would tell the creature in my skull to stop hammering. There were voices, but my brain couldn’t keep up with what they were saying, it all seemed like gibberish. Had I been abducted by aliens? Were they experimenting on me? It seemed like a rational explanation at the time.

The next time I opened my eyes things seemed clearer. I was in a hospital. The beings that I thought were aliens were nothing of the sort, they were doctors and nurses, all dressed in light blue outfits, with matching hats that looked like shower caps. They were rushing, and panicking around a bed. I took a step closer, yes a step. Just moments ago I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, but now, now I was upright, walking no less. I failed to understand why I was a spectator to this medical emergency. I felt embarrassed. Had I walked into the wrong room? Why was I in a hospital anyway? There was an incessant beeping. I recognised the noise thanks to mine and Izzy’s weekly dose of the T.V program casualty; someone had flat lined.

As one of the doctors moved out of the way I saw clearly the person they were trying to save, it was me. It didn’t make sense. Why were they pumping my chest? I stepped closer and said ‘excuse me, why are you doing that, I’m fine.’ There was no reply, and a nurse darted through me as if I were invisible. I looked down at myself, then to the bed at my other self. My mouth was hanging open. A tube parted my lips; it looked like a transparent snake. My eyes had rolled back in their sockets, and blood dripped from the back of my skull. I felt sick, I couldn’t watch this nightmare playing out in front of me, but I couldn’t wake up either. Why hadn’t I snapped out of it? Surely a dream so horrific would have made me sit bolt upright in bed. Was I in bed? I knew I’d thought about going home and trying to sneak another hour or two. Was this my punishment for not doing the jobs around the house?

I turned and stepped away. I wondered what the hell was going on, but before I could work out the answer a doctor dashed through me. There was another patient in the large room. He too had a flock of medical staff around him. The matted blonde hair, and golden stubble on his face seemed familiar, but I couldn’t put a name to him. A doctor held up two things, one in each hand, they looked like Wii controllers or something. ‘Clear,’ he shouted and pressed them on the man’s naked chest. His body convulsed. ‘Nothing, no output,’ said a woman.
‘Clear,’ yelled the man again, and pressed the controllers on the man’s chest. I remember thinking he looks like he’s being stuck with two cattle prods simultaneously.

That was enough for me. I had to get out of here, turning I hurried away, but before I reached the doors I was pulled from behind, not by a person, but something else. At first it felt like I was walking into a gale force wind, but then I realised that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t being pushed back, I was being pulled. It felt like I was being sucked up by a giant vacuum cleaner, my body shrank, and before I knew what had happened I was looking up at the ceiling. A doctor injected me with something, and my eyes closed.

When I came round the bright lights above me seared my retinas. Once they had adjusted I lethargically rolled my head to one side, and took a look around. I was alone in a different room. Where was the other guy? Racking my brain, I tried to work out what had happened. I remembered having breakfast, and taking Izzy to school. I also had some vivid memories, warped people swarming around me, and of course the other man. A vision invaded my mind. A man, blonde, staggered into the road. That was it, the puzzle started to piece itself together. I was on my way home, and the man stepped out into the road, I swerved and hit something.

I started to panic, and as I did some numbers on a digital monitor started to flash, and increase. I remember thinking, if I’ve been in an accident, where’s Danni? Surely the hospital or police would have notified her. Perhaps she was on her way. Just as tears started to well in my eyes the door to my room opened, and a man dressed in blue scrubs entered, along with a female nurse. ‘Mr Andrews can you hear me?’ The man asked. The lights glimmered off his bald head. ‘I’m Doctor Matthews. You were involved in a car accident, can you remember?’ ‘Danni,’ I slurred. I thought maybe I had misheard the Doctor, but I was certain her called me Mr Andrews. ‘He seems stable, more morphine for the pain, and obs every fifteen minutes please.’ The doctor told the nurse, pushing his spectacles up his nose. ‘We’ll try and speak to him again this afternoon, by then he maybe more coherent.’ The doctor added before leaving. The nurse opened a sealed packet, and pulled out a syringe. She could have only been in her early twenties, I hoped she was fully qualified. Lifting my hand she injected the contents into a small tube that was connected to my hand. As I watched I noticed my other hand was heavily dressed with white bandage.
‘Where’s Danni,’ I forced through laboured breaths. ‘Who’s Danni,’ replied the nurse. ‘My wife.’ I couldn’t believe that she hadn’t been contacted, but I was too exhausted to get angry. ‘Your next of kin is listed as a Miss Hancock, she’s on her way.’ ‘What, no, that’s wrong.’ I…I’m married to…’ ‘Don’t worry about that at the moment, the most important thing is you rest Mr Andrews.’ ‘Mr Andrews…who’s Mr Andrews?’

Any comments appreciated. This is re-write of previous post.

I can see you've totally changed the start and instead let us know about the accident as a memory. I think that has worked a lot better.

It's really got my imagination going as you haven't given me too much info and that adds to the mystery without the need to tell me all the facts.

I liked the start, but felt this bit didn't work as well as the rest:

'Bright lights rushed past me. I was on a gurney, being pushed at what seemed like a hundred miles per hour. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t even stay conscious. I flitted in and out of darkness as if I were a train travelling in and out of tunnels. Then the train stopped. I was lifted off and boarded another.'

I'm not sure he would know he couldn't stay conscious as he was traumatised and wouldn't be as rational as that I don't think? Not sure, but I have witnessed the after effects of brain trauma and know how weird the world looks and how the victim can imagine things which aren't there, and you've really done a good job depicting this.

It's a mysterious start! Well done on the rewrite. I'm not great when it comes to technical things but did think it was a lot better to read than the original chapter, and more interesting too.

I didn't get this far on the original post. This is a dramatic way to start a story! It does need a bit of tidying up on certain points, but I like the drama, the sense of bewilderment, the mystery at the end.

I agree with the above, this is a much better way to start and more exciting to read - a big improvement.

Moving on from that, I would suggest that you need to work on the voice you use, of course my real advice is get the outline down first as always, so you have the first draught - if you don't have it done yet then don't worry, just concentrate on that first.

If you have got the whole story down, as the others have said you need to pitch the tone of your book correctly. You naturally use too many coloqualisms where the narrator talks to the reader, but you don't push that enough so you're doing half and half, which is always uncomfortable.

Below I have done my suggestion of a more formal tone - not saying you must so this, but just my suggestions of course -

Bright lights rushed past me. I was on a gurney, being pushed at what seemed like a hundred miles per hour. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t even stay conscious. I flitted in and out of darkness as if I were like a train travelling in and out of tunnels. Then the train stopped. I was lifted off and boarded another. This one didn’t move. Blurred faces looked down at me. Lights were shone in my eyes. I just wished someone would tell the creature in my skull to would stop hammering. There were voices, but my brain couldn’t keep up with what they were saying, it all seemed like gibberish. Had I been abducted by aliens? Were they experimenting on me? It seemed like a rational explanation at the time.

But to me, that wouldn't suit your style - so here, I have broken some rules and written it in a way I think might suit your style, as if you were speaking directly to the reader.

There were lights, really bright sort flashing past. I mean, I was in and out of it, I couldn't see nothing - it was like, you know, being stuck on some run away train or something, till I stopped. Trust me, I was well out of it, I didn't know what it was, you know, aliens, mad professor, James Bond - seriously, if I hadn't had a head like you wouldn't believe, I'd nearly have enjoyed it 'cause it was all so mental.

Okay - that's very rough and everyone else will hate it, but you've either got to use much more formal language or have fun and really go for it - but this is a much better start!

thanks guys, really appreciate your feedback