The Word Cloud

Wow, Steve! The new version is a dramatic improvement. I can actually smell the place now. (It's not a very nice smell, is it?) Good for you!

They called you the ‘Ents Man.’? They called me ‘the posh cock on the microphone who gives us free goon.’ And when I was transferred to Melbourne, I got the same there…

I’m astonished you remember anyone you met – maybe it was just me who got unlimited free VB 7-nights-a-week…

P.S. Superb re-write.

Emma & Debi - simply: thank you. To be able to turn that opening around in a couple of hours (including reading all the notes here) is a combination of your detailed guidance above, and several years of Word Cloud learning experience from so many of you extraordinary and helpful Cloudfolk.

Spangles & Harry - your additional posts on the general process both enforce critical points and add to this as a particularly valuable learning experience for not just me, but for many others.

Tony, Alanboy & John - good on yer for the early posts of encouragement and pointers.

Noodledoodle, Jill & Squidge - I can see that this thread has had quite a few views, but actually posting your thoughts makes a huge positive difference to the overall value. It's what makes this whole Cloud thing work so well. Ta.

stephenterry - refreshing honesty and calling it as you see it is exactly what I wanted and got from you. Having sunshine blown up one's arse can be encouraging, but I tend to learn and improve much more by being told it straight.

Alanboy - I chose 'quantity' deliberately as it's a style I use to enhance humour. Simple word choice suggests one thing, but through pacing the sentence correctly the (perhaps) unexpected ending is amplified a little. On the other hand, it can often make the sentence clunky, jarr and lose its flow. 'Paucity' is a strong suggestion and a good alternative. Actually, my humour isn't particularly strong there anyway, so I think your suggestion works better.

Captain Morgan - Nah, I was just Entertainment Manager. And only for a very short time. Possibly too short to earn a nickname. Some Austrian (not Australian) nurses did call me the Master of Disaster, though. Posh cock's might say it's a cheese and wine evening. The Aussies call it a coon and goon bash.

Side Bar or Scu Bar?

Sidebar, definitely! All Scubar had going for it was the crab racing...

The great thing about the re-write is that it is all yours, Steve! You posted the extract and you received feedback, some of which was very specific, some more general. But the end result is pure unadulterated Steve; your story written in your voice. So you've actually provided us with the perfect example of how this kind of feedback can help to hone your skills and enable you to produce something that is quintessentially your own, but so much better than it was before the re-write.

Right, you and the Cap'n can go back to talking in tongues again now.

Wow and thanks for the lesson, Steve, Emma and Debi. I have learnt a lot from this (not just, eww, about the joys of Australian hostels in the cheap part of town). What a rewrite, Steve, grabbed me right off the page, I'm still trying to forget the images you conjured up there.

As for the scalpelmeisters Emma and Debi, it was harsh to see you dissect the text like that, but you have laid bare its soul and allowed Steve (and the reader) to connect with it in the revised version. I know my own writing will be the better for this experience.

Cheers, Charlie.

Actually, I've made a huge error in the re-write. It was only 10,586 miles from my bed, not 22,814.

Geography's not my strong suit. In my head 10,586 miles = other side of the world anyway, so I don't care.

"It was only 10,586 miles from my bed, not 22,814."

Well it might get you drummed out of the Royal Geographical Society, but not too many readers are going to trip up on it!

Maybe if you took the scenic route...

Thans for letting us see this process Steve. The improvement in your edit is amazing, it really came to life

Cheers, Pj - it's good to see that folks like you are still looking at this and that there could be ongoing value to others.