The Word Cloud

Welcome to the dating café. It was inevitable really, when you think about it. 500 members and growing [written a while ago, there's a few more now]... some married, some not... some wondering if their perfect Romeo or Juliet - gifted in the quilling of love notes - lurks somewhere on this romantic cloud...?

Step forth from the shadows, and boldly come to the date café (date as in romantic meeting of two, not dried plums). Woo, court or flirt outrageously with whomsoever takes your fancy... dinner, a film, and then who knows...?

The date café scores over other dating establishments in two key areas. One, it's completely free and no monies will ever be sought from you. Two, it has the words, "Dating Café" illuminated in friendly pink neon above the door.

We suspect some will prefer a classical approach, adopting the style, grace and decorum of Pride and Prejudice. To that end, we have built a beautifully decorated ballroom, where you may glide with suitors or eligible ladies.

However, others, no doubt, just want to come in for a quick shag. Hence the nookie closet, at the rear.

If a café isn't your scene, then we have a 16th century alehouse, with every beverage ever produced in constant stock. The Tudor exterior is not faux wood stuck onto brick, it is a genuine venue, steeped in history, with an atmospheric bar and lounge, furnished with genuine pieces from the period. And no fruit machine in the corner to spoil it at all.

Still not seduced? Then cool the night away in our sub-zero nightclub. Descend to the basement, indulge in the finest selection of music ever played and widest selection of illegal substances ever gathered in one place.

Or how about a candle-lit dinner in our seventeen-star Michelin Restaurant on the roof terrace? Chefs from all over the world will create-to-order the finest dishes your taste buds have been treated to. Select anything from our infinite global menu, and it will be whisked to your table instantly, where you may relax for the entire evening in the company of your terminally pretty/brutally handsome date. No one will urge you to hurry up and finish: take your time and enjoy a fourth bottle of Dom Perignon '75.

All food, beverages, illegal substances and anything else are provided absolutely free of charge, and with no obligation.