The Word Cloud

• 

  Alastair Once upon a time there was a bicycle. Unlike other bikes it had two seats....
  13 hours ago
• 

  Slippers one facing the front the other behind
  13 hours ago
• 

  Kenty It was an old bicycle
  13 hours ago
• 

  Tony It had once been shiny and bright, but for years it had lain neglected at the back of Harry's junk shop.
  13 hours ago
• 

  Kenty One day when Harry was having a tidy up of the shop he noticed something very strange was happening at the back of the shop?
  12 hours ago
• 

  Tony He found a leaky oil can on a shelf had been dripping onto the rusty chain of the tandem that had been stored on its handlebars and saddles to protect the tyres. The pedals were turning and the back wheel was spinning.
  11 hours ago
• 

  Kenty Harry stood there with one hand on his hip the other hand scratching his head, there was only him in the shop so how and why was the pedals turning and the back wheel spinning?
  49 secs ago

Yesterday ‘Saturday’ up nice and early (0500 hours.) 3 strong cups of tea combined with 4 rolled up cigarettes sitting on my favourite chair outside, feed the animals 4 cats and 1 dog, while they are munching take a shower and scrub up well knowing that I have to attend a wedding for 1230 hours as part of the ceremonial team forming a guard of honour for the bride and groom and this is where it all started to go wrong, as I turned the control to off for the on sweet shower the normal cursing from myself starts due to the shower control refusing too shut off because of my wet hands, after drying my hands the dam thing starts to turn off or so I thought ‘puffing and cursing’ it seems an age to reach it’s shut off point after one last strong forceful angry turn the it decides too override the shut off point and the water is coming out of the shower head at full force.

Right then! Off with towel around waist too the garage to get my tool box stubbing my toe on the lawn mower the air is now blue, coming back into the house my youngest granddaughter is looking up at me saying ‘granddad’ ‘granddad; changing my face into a smile I say; hello darling’ where’s mummy? Asleep’ mummy asleep’ want drink, putting the tool box down I make her up some orange in her bottle, picking her up to sit her on the kitchen chair I can feel that her nappy is full so grabbing her under her arms I walk forward with the little phooey one in front of me with her legs dangling, granddad making you fly’ ‘weeeee’ all the way too where her mum was sleeping.

Knocking the bedroom door’ ‘morning’ anyone up to take care of this child? I need to sort the shower out’ ‘hello’ – ‘just come in dad and leave her with me, ‘she’s got a full nappy I said as entering the room’ ‘oh’ you wouldn’t nip down stairs and bring the pink bag up with all of her stuff that I need ‘ heavy sigh and puffing’ ‘yes’’yes’ be back in a minute, as I pass our bedroom door her in doors shouts ‘bring me up a cuppa darling’ have you left the shower running in here? ‘yes’ and no to the shower running the house slave (me.) will tell you about it in a minute.

With tool box’ cup of tea and pink bag and the towel feeling like it is going to slip off and fall too the floor I perform a magnificent balancing act up the stairs, knocking the room where my daughter is staying I shout ‘one pink bag outside’ on entering our bedroom her in doors is sat up in bed waiting for her cuppa and when she sees me the shaking of her head starts while saying; ‘what are you doing? I explain about the shower adding ‘now’ if people will just allow me to get on with it I aim to turn the water off from the little panel in the wardrobe that has screws fixing it to the wall, after removing the front of the panel I can see the little screws on the hot and cold pipes that will knock the water off, so with one anticlockwise turn on each screw the sound of running water stops and all is well.

So I suppose that’s you being heavy handed having your normal moan ‘why don’t they make things simple’ while smiling shaking her head, by this time I had slipped my trousers and shirt on, sitting on the side of the bed I started to put my socks on as she is still creating, standing up I show her the palm of my hand, ‘listen’ I’m taking the dog a walk and then I need to get off to this wedding, I should be back for about 1430 ish in time to go with you all too the local sheep dog trials, leaving the room I can hear her saying; ‘that’s all you bloody care about is dogs’ you both even look alike.

Me and the dog head off by foot too the woods for our morning walk the time is now a few minutes past eight, as I walk down the drive ready to cross the field and road into the woods a young man calls me over, he is saying something out of his open car window that is towing a caravan, I put my hands up to my ears signalling to him that I can’t hear him (thinking in my head that he can get out of the car and come to me the lazy little bastard.) he does as I’m thinking, all right mate he say’s’ ‘where do I park up? Feeling the urge too grab a stick and start trashing his car and caravan, I said ‘do I look like some kind of car parking attendant? Turning my head toward the other caravans already parked up I gesture with the palm of my hand toward them saying have you made a booking, turn my back on him and carry on with my walk.

Returning too the house after the walk I sort the dog out, water my flowers and hanging baskets and join the rest of the family for some breakfast, the conversation topic is all about the broken shower until her in doors says’ a man called at the house and wanted to know if he could park his caravan up, he said that he hadn’t booked and that he plans to propose too his girlfriend tonight in the right settings ‘how romantic’ he said that he had asked an old bloke walking his dog if he could park up and found him to be an unhelpful moody person, I suppose that was you was it, deep sigh’ I couldn’t deny it’ ‘yes’ I do remember seeing someone, anyway I need to get going, the church is a 75 minute journey.

Laying my ceremonial uniform out on the bed I do a final check that everything is there and I am happy that it is, as it was looking like it was going to be a hot day I changed into a pair of shorts and t-shirt and pumps, I then loaded up the car and saying good-bye to everyone I headed off.

Arriving at the church I get out of my car and shaking my head I meet up with the rest of the lads and tell them about my morning adding’ there must be a lot of drivers on the road now that can’t have passed a driving test and they had all decided to be on the same road as me while coming here, now this is where I get agreement and a pat on the back as we are all about the same age and know these things.

We have now all arrived and head into the village hall to get changed and this is where I said the immortal words ‘I don’t believe it! On opening my uniform holdall I found there to be no black socks in there, I was certain that I had put them in there, asking around the room if anyone had a spare pair the answer coming back was no, looking down at my feet I was wearing small white trainer socks, ‘put some black polish on them mate was the laughing advise coming back, I could feel the silent rage building up inside of me, the time was now 1215 hours and people were leaving the village hall to make there way to the church next door as the wedding was at 1300 hours and we needed to be outside the church door to greet people at 1230 hours.

After a deep swallow I thought sod it, I can pull my black trousers down a bit hiding any trace of the white socks and my uniform coat would cover the waist of the trousers, walking too the church like I was wearing stack heels the laughing was coming my way’ ‘you look like you have s—t yourself Kenty, smiling I made my way into the   ceremonial line up.

After it was all over I dodged all of the formula one drivers on the motor way back home and was surprised to see everyone waiting for me as the time was now about 1515 hours, don’t you ever answer your phone said her in-doors (I had switched it off earlier in case it went off at the wedding.) we thought we would wait for you as it has been raining, it looks like it’s going to be nice now’ hurry up as we are ready to go too the sheep dog trials, jumping out of the car I said about my black socks and how sure I was that I had packed them, ‘oh’ said the daughter, was they on yours and mums bed, I had them and gave them to Luke as he needed a pair, ‘deep breath’ her in-doors says pointing her finger ‘don’t start’ it’s happened now, just put your stuff away’ we are going in the land rover the rest are following in Luks car, I cast a glance down at Luks feet as I go indoors to put my stuff away’ ‘oh’ he moans about nothing’ take no notice of him Luke said her indoors.

The sheep dog trials are about 3 miles away and as we head down a beaten track directly where the trials are, Luke is beeping his car horn and flashing his lights behind us, he also jumps out of the car waving his arms, I reverse back up to him and getting out of the car I ask what is wrong, he reports to seeing one of our black kittens jumping out from under our car and running into the hedgerow, by this time we are all out of the car and head to the hedge to find it, now we have 2 black kittens that we rescued, the owner tried to drown the whole litter and these 2 had survived, they are now about 5 months old and just beginning to trust humans again, now one of the kittens does not like the dog while the other thinks the dog is her mother, like the dog thinks it’s her puppy and as the kittens are identical you can only tell who they are if they either stay with the dog or run away.

We could see the kitten well into the hedge, to far in for any of us to reach; she is meowing obviously in some distress, everyone was looking at me to do something.

Ok I said; Luke can you climb the gate and be at the other side of the hedge, when you are there I will get the dog to go in, if it’s the kitten that likes the dog, she will either come out or the dog will get her, if not it will run away toward you, confirming that everyone understood there roll and position I was about to set the dog loose praying that my plan would work as I hadn’t got a plan B, then I did suddenly come up with a second plan, my youngest daughter pulled her coat around her and laying on the floor crawled into the hedge and retrieved the cat with out any fuss, we checked her over for any injuries and I am happy to report that apart from being a bit shuck up she was fine, a quick return home to drop the cat off with her indoors lecturing me that I should have checked under the car before we set off.

Eventually we arrived at the sheep dog trials and sat down to enjoy man and dog at work, the sun was shining and everybody there was enjoying the day, the story of the kitten was going around and I was saying the words again ‘I don’t believe it’ anyway, I got myself and Luke a plastic pint of black dog beer from the beer tent and sat down to enjoy it with her indoors saying did he give the bar person a hard time Luke? he normally moans that it’s not a full proper pint and how are you meant to hold the dam think when it’s full as you loose half of it laughing shaking her head.

Now the kids were moaning that they were bored and frightened about a few wasps that were flying about, don’t worry about them wasps I said, if you start flapping about they will sting you, just then a wasp was hovering directly in front of my face, I had my pint of black sheep in one hand and the dog lead in the other and was sat on the chair an easy target for that persistent wasp, I started blowing at the wasp, the kids had now noticed and were laughing, well you try blowing when you are laughing, I then made biting gestures toward the wasp causing more laughter, the wasp seemed to be nearly on my face near enough for me to hear the buzzing, now panic set in, jumping up ‘blowing’ ‘biting’ and my pint being the priority here I performed a jig with the dog jumping up on me confused to my actions, thankfully I can report that I did enough for the wasp to fly off without stinging me.

Then the words again ‘I don’t believe it!

Apart from Luke loosing a set of keys for the house the rest of the day and night was an enjoyable family get together.

This morning as I took the dog out  I looked over toward the young couple’s caravan and wondered if his girlfriend had said yes to marrying him, I felt a bit bad about been grumpy with him the previous day and was now hoping she had said yes.

When I returned home I noticed the young couples caravan had now gone and pointed it out to her in-doors, she said that he had called round to the house before they left and had left a bottle of white wine as a thank-you for allowing him to stay, I asked if his girlfriend had said yes to marriage, her in-doors replied I’m not telling you!

I don’t believe it!

:O)

Also recieved this as an email - thought I would share

10 words that dont exist but should.

01. AQUADEXTROUS - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

02. CARPERPETUATION - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

03. DISCONFECT - v. To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

04. ELBONICS - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

05. FRUST - n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

06. LACTOMANGULATION - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

07. PEPPIER - n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

08. PHONESIA - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

09. PUPKUS - n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION - n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Received this as an email - thought I would share it!

I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.
 
I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending
 
A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.
 
I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning
 
I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could
 
The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best
 
The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast
 
What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.
 
The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state.
 

You are my little princess

You are my little princess

So good and so pure

You given me and your Mar 2 granddaughters to adore

How great it is to see little ones once again playing on the floor

You are my little princess

So good and so pure

Me and your Mar will do only the best for them

Of that you can be sure

You are my little princess

So good and so pure

But if that other granddad keeps putting his nose in

I’ll chuck him in some manure

Of that you can be sure.

Had to share this with everyone – some photos to follow.

This dog was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2002. He was born with 3 legs - 2 healthy hind legs and 1 abnormal front leg which needed to be amputated. He of course could not walk when he was born. Even his mother did not want him.

His first owner also did not think that he could survive, therefore he was thinking of 'putting him to sleep'. By this time, his present owner, Jude Stringfellow, met him and wanted to take care of him. She is determined to teach and train this dog to walk by himself. Therefore she named him 'Faith'.

In the beginning, she put Faith on a surfing board to let him feel the movements. Later she used peanut butter on a spoon as a lure and reward for him to stand up and jump around. Even the other dog at home also helped to encourage him to walk. Amazingly, only after 6 months, like a miracle, Faith learned to balance on his 2 hind legs and jumped to move forward. After further training in the snow, he now can walk like a human being.

Faith loves to walk around now. No matter where he goes, he just attracts all the people around him. He is now becoming famous on the international scene. He has appeared on various newspapers and TV shows. There is even one book entitled 'With a little faith' being published about him. He was even considered to appear in one of Harry Potter movies.

His present owner Jude Stringfellew has given up her teaching post and plans to take him around the world to preach that even without a perfect body, one can have a perfect soul'.

In life there are always undesirable things. Perhaps one will feel better if one changes the point of view from another direction.

  FINALLY, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear 

“The rules" 
From 
the female side.  

  Now here are the rules from the male 
side.   

These 
are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" 
ON PURPOSE!  

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon 
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted 
two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 

1. 
You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just 
do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you 
have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus 
didNOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We 
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. 
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not 
worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want 
an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 

1. Don't ask us what we're 
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. RoundIS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But 
did you know men really don't mind that? It's like 
camping. 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People—

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.  

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.