The Word Cloud

Uwanted Friend Be Gone.

Oh you unwanted friend ‘behold’ before the day endith’ I will tear thee joint by joint.

And strew this hungry web site with thy battered limbs.

The time and my intents are savage-wild, more fierce and inexorable far than empty tigers or the roaring sea.

I must indeed; and therefore came I hither.

ungentle grammar teacher; tempt not a desperate man.

Run hence, and leave me: think upon these gone.

Let them affright thee. I beseech thee grammar teacher.

Put not another sin upon my head, by urging me to fury: O, be gone!

By heaven I hate thee better than myself.

For I come hither armed against myself.

Stay not-be gone;’ live’ and thereafter say; a madman’s mercy bade thee go away.

Received this email this morning; thought I would share it and make you smile on a Monday morning. : )

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; 
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the 
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day the dog arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. 

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Let it play! Let it play.

THE OLD MAN

(singer)

The tears have all been shed now
We've said our last goodbyes
His souls been blessed
He's laid to rest
And it's now I feel alone
He was more than just a father
A teacher my best friend
And He'll still be heard
In the tunes we shared
When I play them on my own.

(Chorus)

I never will forget him
for he made me what I am
though he may be gone
Memories linger on
and I miss him, the old man

(Son)

I’m sorry dad’ wished we had kept in touch. but I’m here now; I loved you dad.

(Singer)

As a boy he'd take me walking'
By mountain field and stream
And he showed me things
Not known to kings
And secret between him and me
Like the colours on the pheasant
As he rises in the dawn
Or how to fish and make a wish
Beside a fairy tree

(chorus)

I never will forget him
For he made me what I am
Though he may be gone
Memories linger on
And I miss him, the old man

(Son)

Went back to the old works yesterday dad; sat where we used to sit; all them years ago. You and me drinking tea

I hated you then dad, but now I know the truth.

(Singer)

I thought he'd live forever
He seemed so big and strong
But the minutes fly
And the years roll by
For a father and a son
And suddenly when it happened
There was so much left unsaid
No second chance
To tell him thanks

For everything he's done

Oh, I never will forget him
For he made me what I am
Though he may be gone
Memories linger on
God I miss him, the old man

(Son)

(Crying uncontrollably) You should have let me known dad.

Now I am the one that is wrong! the curtain's closing; and it’s all to late! you’re gone!

Ghosts and indigestion.

Today, I went to a 90^th birthday party for one of my wife’s relatives.  Does that sound exciting?  As parties go, it was sedate and relaxed.  BUT…

It was in the Royal Institution in London.  One of the homes of science education, home to the annual children’s Christmas lectures, a place full of history and… my Dad.

Dad, who died in 2002, lectured frequently at the RI, and was professor of experimental physics there (an honorary post) for 12 years.  I have only been back once since he died, and the place has been ‘tarted up’ since then.

First, I came face to face with an almost life-sized frieze of scientists in a playful style, with a digital crop (barely recognisable) of Dad’s head on an unidentified body.  I thought ‘how awful!’ until I remembered his sense of humour.  It’s the sort of trick he would try. 

I walked along a book-lined corridor with portraits of Humphrey Davy, Michael Faraday, John Tyndall, Ernest Rutherford and co., each with a piece of their experimental kit in front of them: the RI has a wonderful archive.  And next to Rutherford, there was an equally strange enlargement of that strange picture of Dad’s head with more 5 o’clock shadow than I ever remember.  Pictures of musical instruments surrounded his head  - he lectured on the physics of music.  Below the picture was a MUSICAL SAW.  Just an ordinary saw with a violin bow – Dad’s favourite party trick.

Two shocks in ten yards.  I expected the odd photo, but this was weird, and I was meant to be socializing with party guests.  In the room where we were meant to gather, there was a screen on the wall, running a loop of snippets from Christmas lectures old and new.  And for two two-second clips, there was Dad again, once in 1972 and once in 1989.  And he kept flitting across the screen as we talked.  I tried to keep my back to the screen, but it didn’t work, because people kept asking me about Dad, and my focus kept drifting back to that screen.  The meal was in the library, and I’m sure some of Dad’s books are there, so now my eyes were drawn to the rows of books… and no, I didn’t spot them.

Dad was not just a scientist.  He was an all-round Renaissance man and a wonderful, gentle dad.  To meet him in this strange way was both unsettling and lovely.  Of all the scientists at the RI – including 14 Nobel Prize winners – Dad is the one who is represented by a wonky portrait and a musical saw.  Dad loved entertaining kids, and even did science lectures in infant schools.  His prized possessions included letters from children with questions such as, ‘What does a professor have for breakfast?’

And the indigestion… I’ll leave you to work that one out.

John

And now the final episode of the Day the Sun Went Missing.  The Sun's been stolen and a rocket ship has traced it to a giant house in space.  They're now confronting the housholder - a man who calls himself the Decorator of the Universe.  So can our heros and heroine get the Sun back?  Read on.
*********************************************************
‘We wondered if we could have our Sun back,’ said Biggles.

‘Ah,’ said the Decorator, his cheeks flushing slightly under the beard.  ‘You’d better come in.’

He turned and the rocket ship followed him, like an obedient gnat.  He led them into a sitting room which was comfortably furnished with chintz-covered armchairs, floral wallpaper and a plasma-screen tv.  A mobile of orbiting planets hung from the ceiling light.  They noticed a small table next to one of the armchairs upon which stood a lamp.  They immediately recognised the bulb burning underneath the tassled shade.  It was the Sun.

‘Please, sit down,’ offered the giant, indicating one of the armchairs.

‘It’s alright, we’ll just......hover,’ said Tin Tin through the spaceship’s hailer.

‘Cup of tea?’

There was already a cuppa on the table next to the lamp.  It was as wide as all Earth’s oceans put together and twice as deep.

‘No thank you.  I don’t think we’ll have time to finish it.’

‘Ah, of course, of course,’ The Decorator nodded.  There was a moment’s awkward silence as neither could think of what to say next.

‘Pleasant journey?’

‘Oh, not too bad, answered Tin Tin.  ‘Crab Nebula closed because space has collapsed in on itself, but other than that it’s been good.’

‘Splendid, splendid.’

‘So you’re the Decorator of the Universe?’ pondered Wonder Woman.

‘That’s right.  God bought it as a fixer-upper.  The sky needed a bit of paint, and the stars were a bit dull.  So we hung a few planets, seeded some species and knocked through a galaxy.  It’ll fetch a good price when we put it back on the market.  He brought me in to do the work.  You just missed him actually.  He’s popped over to his other Universe.  Apparently it’s leaking.’

‘Look, it’s about that Sun you’ve got there,’ said Biggles, deciding to get to the point.  ‘We want it back.’

‘Ah, thought you might.  Look, I’m really sorry.  I was just settling down to watch Starsky and Hutch and the bulb went supernova.  Then I remembered where I could get a replacement.  I meant to put it back when I went to the shops but you know how it is when you don’t write a list.  Look, have it back.  Just don’t tell Him.  He hates thieving.  He wrote Commandment about it.  I’ll lose my job if He finds out.’

‘What should we do?’ mused Wonder Woman.

‘I say we turn him in,’ said Tin Tin.

‘Not so fast,’ Biggles cut in, as ever the voice of reason.

‘He’s offered to give us the Sun.  So what harm has been done?  And we might even get something out of this.  Here’s the deal,’ he said, speaking through the hailer.  ‘Give us our Sun AND the lamp and we’ll say no more about it.’

‘What do you want the lamp for?’ whispered Wonder Woman.

‘I like it – especially the tassley shade.  And think what a talking point it will be, a huge table lamp casting its light on the earth.  All the other planets will be sooo jealous.’

‘Are you sure?’ Wonder Woman wondered.

‘Okay,’ said Tin Tin. ‘But hold out for the cuckoo clock as well.’

‘Tin Tin wants the cuckoo clock as well,’ called Biggles.

‘Deal,’ said the Decorator.

    And so it came to pass that SunSeeker 1 returned to Earth towing the Sun in its lamp and a cuckoo clock as big as Saturn.  They reached the dark side of the Moon and, as agreed, the Decorator started pulling away the bar fire on its cord.  They re-positioned the Sun and pulled out the asteroid jamming the Moon.   Slowly the satellite rolled away and down on Earth billions gasped as light burst out and cascaded down on to the planet. 

    Only now it was even better.  The Sun stood atop an Art Deco lamp stand and boasted a tassled shade.  It would be the envy of the Milky Way.  And that wasn’t all; now a cuckoo clock could be seen orbiting the Earth.  So everyone know what the time was (which, I must admit didn’t please all the clock and watch makers).  No one had an excuse for being late for anything anymore. 

    And every hour people would look up into the sky to watch a cuckoo the size of Mars appear through its little doors and zoom towards the Earth going, ‘Cuckoo!  Cuckoo!’  It was a bit disconcerting at first but soon people stopped ducking whenever they saw the bird bearing down on them.  It still caught a few people out if they weren’t looking and had lost track of the time; their peace would be shattered by a deafening ‘Cuckoo’ and the sight of a bright yellow bird as big as a planet filling the sky, zooming towards the atmosphere.  Trouser mishaps were common.

    And that’s the story of the Day the Sun Went Missing and how thanks to Biggles, Tin Tin and Wonder Woman we got a huge table lamp in the sky and an absolutely big, ginormous cuckoo clock.

    What?  You’re looking sceptical.

Part 3 - Part 4, the Final Part coming today or tomorrow.
***********************************************
Just to recap, then.  The Sun failed to emerge from behind the Moon after an eclipse.  A rocket was sent to look for it and when it got to the Moon it found its orbit had been stopped by an asteroid wedged underneath it.  Then they went round to the back of the Moon to discover that the Sun had gone and had been replaced by a giant bar fire.  Now they’re following the cable out of the back of the fire in the hope of finding the Sun.

    (Heavens; I have just told the story in 85 words.  Why has it taken me more than 1,500 to get this far?)

    So off they went, deep into space, following the electrical cable which came out of the giant bar fire.  They were convinced that wherever it was plugged in they would find the Sun.

    Now if this was a picture story, which it isn’t, I would fill a few pictures of the SunSeeker 1 travelling through space as it followed the cable.  But seeing as I can’t draw for toffee, you’ll just have to picture it for yourselves.

My Drawing of a Toffee.

        While they travelled through space the astronauts kept themselves occupied playing Eye-Spy and Rock, Planet, Spaceship.  (Rock destroys Spaceship, Spaceship lands on Planet, Planet burns up Rock).

     After a couple of weeks.....What’s that?  There were three astronauts.

    So after a couple of weeks.....why do spaceships always have three astronauts?

    Well, when they first started putting men into space (and they were all men) they gave lots of thought about how many should go up there.  One man might get lonely on a long journey so that was no good.  Two astronauts might not get on with each and they would spend the whole trip arguing and not doing their job properly.  Now with three astronauts, one of them might not get on but the chances are that two of them would like each other so it would be a happy ship at least two-thirds of the time.

    (By the way, I don’t know if is true.  I’m just guessing.  If I looked up the answer to all your questions we would be here all day).

    After a couple of weeks, then.......Their names?  Biggles, Tin Tin and Wonder Woman.  Happy?

    After a couple of weeks........they came to a house.  It was an absolutely ginormous house just floating  in space.  The cable disappeared inside through a gap at the top of a sash window. 

‘I wonder who lives here?’  said Tin Tin.

‘You don’t think it’s.....’ wondered Woman.

‘......The Creator of the Universe,’ finished Biggles.

‘Only one way to find out,’ said Tin Tin.

    SunSeeker was steered gently to the front door where the astronauts found a doorbell as big as France.   Very carefully they nudged the button with the nose of the spaceship.

BING BONG!

    There came the sound of slippers shuffling on carpet and the rattle and clunk of locks being turned.  The door opened and a giant, a hundred light years tall, stood gazing out into space.  He wore a pair of dungarees which were once white but now splashed and splattered with paint and plaster.  A long white beard cascaded from his face.  The dungarees covered a crumpled Grandad shirt and the rolled-up sleeves revealed a tattoo on one forearm.  Letters five miles high spelled the word ‘Mum.’

‘Bloody kids,’ muttered the giant as he began to go back inside.

The astronauts forgot they were so small to him that they were easily missed. ‘Wait, we’re here,’ they called through the SunSeeker’s loud hailer.

‘Oh hello,’ said the giant, seeing the insect-sized spaceship.

‘Are you the Creator of the Universe?’ Woman wondered.

‘Oh no.  I’m the Decorator of the Universe.’

Here's Part 2 of the story.  I've just realised that this will appear ABOVE part 1.  So if you haven't read Part 1 yet, it's below this one.  Read that one first and then this one.  Ok?  Good.
*****************************************************

Previously on 'The Day the Sun Went Missing'.  The Sun went missing (hence the title) during an eclipse - it failed to re-emerge from an eclipse.  So rocket has been built to go and look for it.  Up to speed now?

And so the mission was ready.  The rocket was launched from Cape Canaveral with much razzamatazz.  It was called SunSeeker 1 after a naming competition held in junior schools around the world.  The little girl who won it was invited to push the Big Bang Button in mission control which would hurl the missile into space.  As it turned out the Big Bang Button was bust so everyone had to come back the next day when it was fixed.

    Eventually SunSeeker 1, sponsored by The Sun (it was The Sun what launched it), took off and streaked through the atmosphere.  It took three and a half days to reach the moon and one mystery was resolved immediately; why hadn’t the sun moved?

‘SunSeeker 1, we have visual on what’s stopping the moon.  Beep.’

‘This is Mission Control.  Go ahead Sunseeker 1.  Why is the moon stuck?  Beep.’

‘Hello Mission Control.  SunSeeker 1, here.  It looks like someone has wedged a small asteroid under the moon to stop it moving.’

‘...........’

‘Oh sorry.  Beep.’

‘Copy SunSeeker 1.  Beep.’

‘That’d be nice.  Two sugars please.  Beep.’

‘No, COPY.  Not coffee.  Beep.’

‘Oh.  Beep.  Oh, not beep.  We’re going to look behind the moon.  Now beep.  Beep.’

‘Roger. Beep.’

    And so people on Earth waited anxiously for another few hours whilst the rocket continued its orbit around the Moon. 

‘Beep.  Sorry, my mistake.  SunBeepSeeker 1 here.  We have visual.  Beep.’

‘And what can you see?  Beep.’

‘The Sun has gone.  I repeat the Sun has gone.  Beep.’

‘Say again.  The Sun has gone?  Beep.’

‘The.Sun.Has.Gone.Beep.’

‘Aw fu..Beep.’

‘But there is something here.  It looks like a giant bar fire floating in space.  Well it doesn’t look like a giant bar fire.  It is a giant bar fire.  Beep.’

‘That would explain why we’re still warm.  Is there an electrical cable?’

‘You’re suppose to Beep’.

‘Oh forget the Beeps.  It’s getting to be a tired old joke anyway.  Is there an electrical cable?’

‘As a matter of fact there is.  It’s disappearing into space.’

‘Then follow it.  Wherever it’s plugged in you will find the Sun.’

    And so SunSeeker 1 set off, following the cable trailing out of the back of the bar fire.

‘Before you go, SunSeeker 1.  We have a message from the President.’

‘This is an honour.  Standing by for the message from the President.’

‘He says, any chance before you go could you put another bar on.’

‘Oh, ok.’

‘God’s speed, SunSeeker 1.  You carry with you the hopes of everyone on this lonely rock.’

‘Whose sock?’

‘Just go, SunSeeker 1.’

I haven't finished writing this yet.  The next part is ready but I shall upload it in chunks, otherwise it will be too long in one blog.  It came about when my wife woke my up from my lie-in on my day off, opened the curtains and said, 'Wake up, the sun's here.'  I looked out on an overcast sky and said, 'Someone must have stolen it.'  She said, that's your story for today'.  She's like that, is Gerry, she doesn't mess about.
***************************************************

Millions gathered for the greatest phenomenon in the solar system – a total eclipse of the sun.  This was going to be a good one; everything was just right with the sun, the moon and the earth all exactly where they needed to be.  Then it was just a matter of the planet, the satellite and the star shuffling into line for everything to go dark.

    Mind you, everything went dark every night.  No novelty there (unless, of course you lived so far North it went dark for six months.  Actually, do they get eclipses in Iceland?  I’m the storyteller and I’m supposed to know that sort of thing before I write it down.  Tell you what, I’ll get back to you).

    Where was I?  Oh yes......everything went dark every night, I remember.  So why was an eclipse so interesting?  Well, it was.  So millions gathered in their gardens, in parks, on beaches – anywhere offering a good view of the sky.

    Then, at about lunchtime, the moon slid across the sun slowly dimming its light.  The sun changed shape, first turning into a Pacman, then a crescent and then a sliver of fingernail before finally disappearing.  And something which people saw every night became rare and breath-taking; night time at lunch time (Not to Icelanders, though as I’ve said).

    The sky deepened from azure to indigo and the stars twinkled in the afternoon.  The birds stopped singing, flowers closed up for the night and bees bumped into each other.  As one, half the world drew breath.  Ok, not half but a lot.

    An eclipse creates awe as much now as it did thousands of years ago, although we don’t blame it the anger of God or Dark Magic.  They loved a good eclipse in the Bible;  "Immediately after the tribulation of those days, the sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from heaven and the powers of the heavens will be shaken." Matthew 24:29.

    And then there’s, "The sun shall be turned into darkness and the moon into blood, before the coming of the great and awesome day of the lord." Acts 2:20.

    All great fire and brimstone stuff.  And eclipses have become a bit of a get out of jail card in literature, too.  You know, where someone’s about to be hanged and a rescuer, who knows a thing or two about eclipses says, ‘Release him or I will blot out the sun.’  Sure enough, eclipse, goes dark, yokels cower and cross themselves, cut down from gallows, escape on horseback.  Job done.  (Personally I would grab the rescuer and say, ‘Go on then, smart-arse, do it again.’)

    (By the way, I’ve got that stuff on eclipses in Iceland you wanted.  They do have them but not as frequently.  Down here we get about ten total eclipses a century.  Up there they get one every 285 years.  Wow).

    Sorry, back to the story.  The world went dark and eventually the fiery ring around the edge – the annulus – faded away.  It all went quiet.  Two minutes later the sun would reappear, the birds would bloom, the flowers would start singing again and dazed bees would bumble around the garden.

    Two minutes became three minutes.  Three became four and four became an hour.  No sign of the sun.  Eventually even the bees gave it up and went where ever bees go at night.  What?  You want me to check that, too?  Hold on.

    Apparently they go back to their hives – just like you go home.  Solitary bees, like bumble bees like old mouse holes.  But bees don’t sleep.  They just go dormant.  Happy now?

    So, this eclipse then.  The sun failed to appear and breathless awe eventually became impatient shuffling punctuated by the odd cough.  Gradually people drifted away, leaving the politicians and the scientists to ponder what had gone wrong.  People loved to see Nature showing off but eventually they say, ‘Enough already.  We want our sun back.’

    Day became weeks and weeks became months and still there was no sign of the sun.  People began to get angry.  They wanted light in their lives.  Electricity bills shot up and everywhere sold out of candles.  It was just like 1974 and the three-day week.  What?  You’re full of questions, aren’t you?

    Back in 1974 the miners went on strike so there wasn’t enough coal to fuel the power stations so electricity was rationed.  So to save energy businesses only opened for three days a week and everyone had to take their turn at having their power switched off.  Imagine that, the telly going off half-way through the Generation Game.

    So government leaders and (sorry, we’re back to now, now, not 1974) scientists got together to work out what to do.  Countries in the Southern Hemisphere were very angry.  The King of Australia (read my earlier book, ‘Republicanism for Under-5s; Why Australia Really Wants to Cede from the Commonwealth.’) made a complaint to the British government.  You see, we share the sun with people in the underneath bit of the planet.  When it’s dark here it’s because they’re using the sun down there.  And vice versa – which is a posh way of saying ‘and the other way round’.

    The King of Australia said we weren’t to be trusted with the sun.  They had been waiting for it down there and it never showed up.  He even accused us of hiding it.  Sun?  What sun?  He was invited to come here and look for himself but instead he cut off supplies of all further episodes of Neighbours until further notice and told Rolf Harris and Kylie Minogue to come home immediately.

    Meanwhile, Iceland offered to send us emergency aid – a gesture which was reluctantly accepted.  So Reykjavik posted a copy of ‘How To Get By When It’s Dark A Lot’ which came in very useful.

    After nearly a year things were bad; the bees were cheesed off, we had run out of candles and we had no Kylie.

    Then it was announced that all the nations of the world had chipped in to send a space mission to look for the sun.  The rocket was aimed at the moon, which had not moved since the eclipse, and the astronauts were to take a look behind it.  It was basically a trillion dollar mission of sticking your hand down the back of the sofa.

Sad but true!

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Common Sense
Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in Bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.


Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. 
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.