The Word Cloud

    I’d rather have cancer than brain damage.

    Did I really just think that?  Sadly I did because I do have brain damage and there are days when I think I would do anything to have an illness people can understand.  Brain damage is invisible and painless and all people can see is someone with very poor self-control, a short-temper and a disregard for the feelings of others.  They see someone who can be incredibly insulting and yet very thin-skinned himself.  I can also be sooo self-absorbed.

    Basically, dear reader, I woke up one day as a complete cunt.  Imagine that; suddenly turning into a person you would cross the street to avoid.

    It all started at about 8.20am on Friday September 19^th, 2008.  There I was getting ready for work.  Shave – dum-di-dum-dum.  Wash – do-de-do-do-do.  Clean teeth – mmmm-hmmm-hmmm-mmm.  Bang.  It felt like the back of my head had been shot off.  The room span, I collapsed on the floor and vomited half a dozen times.  I only brought anything up the first two times and after that I was heaving on an empty stomach.

    Thank God my wife was in to get me to hospital.  By the way, another after-effect of the brain damage has been having the attention span of a goldfish.  So it’s good at this point to skip ahead to the day they slid me into an MRI scanner and took pictures of a cerebellum which looked like a withered balloon. 

    I had a had a stroke.

   Me.  If I had been asked to tick a list of risk factors for a stroke I wouldn’t have ticked any.  In my 40s, non-smoker, regular runner, not overweight, minimal drinker.  If being smug about his health was a risk factor then maybe I would have ticked that box.

    The good news was that I had escaped with all my faculties.  I could walk, talk, hear and see.  But my brain was fucked.  A third of my cerebellum had died.   Whilst the doctors say it controls balance and equilibrium they admit they don’t know what ripples of damage are radiating out from the rock which was dropped in my head.

    In fact being slightly broken with no visible dents and scratches can be a real pain.  Sometimes I wish I carried some mark of my broken-ness so people would be less shocked in those moments when a gear in my head comes loose and my mind free-wheels.  So here I am, looking normal, behaving normally until.......

    You know what I really want?  I wish I could cry about it.  Somehow I feel a damn could cry would release a whole lot of pain and frustration.  I imagine myself crying for days and days, howling my anger at the loss of me.  I would sob and sob and sob and sob.  That’s what I want to do.  But the tears won’t come.  Something is blocked.  I feel sad for the me that has gone.  I need to mourn.  I will never be that person again; at best I will be a fixed person, a person using strategies to get by.  The me whose brain went pop last year was flawed but I liked me then.

    Now I’m not very likeable.  I tire quickly, I can’t focus on anything for too long, I get angry at the drop of a hat and I’m forgetful.  Oh, and I’m forgetful.  (Sorry but attempting to make fun of all this is another half-assed strategy I try out from time to time)

    What really brought it home to me was when my line manager told me, ‘You have know idea how many people are scared of you.’  And for a while I thought that was cool; ‘Yeah, don’t fuck with Vin.’  But then I realised how isolating that is.  It’s lonely being scary.  I don’t mean to be. 

    I can sense people tensing up around me.  Some people I like a lot are more aloof.  Someone once said that the difference between blindness and deafness is that blindness cuts you off from things whilst deafness cuts you off from people.  For six months now I have felt cut off from people.  For six months I have been the only actor in the room.  Everyone else is real and I’m just trying to keep up with the play with a half-remembered script and a few clumsy ad-libs.

    I can wriggle my fingers, I can walk, I can talk and I can see.  I’m grateful, believe me I am.  It’s just a shame about the brain damage.  Now I’m prone to depression and that’s why on bad days, like yesterday, I find myself wishing I had cancer rather than brain damage. 

    And here I am on Word Cloud – Vin, this person somewhere out there in the ether. I am a real person but on this site I am just a picture of a guy in a mask and a series of messages and posts.  But there have been times when I’ve thought, ‘Who am I kidding?’ and considered deleting my profile.  I’m glad I haven’t because I like it in here and I have enjoyed spending time with you, safe behind digital anonymity.  Because in my real world I feel an awful lot of people I care about are scared of me.  That’s not a nice place to be.

    This is the first real attempt to write down where I am at.  And I still don’t think I’ve nailed it.  Sorry. 

 

THE STRUGGLE FOR A BETTER LIFE

When identical same-sex twins are brought up in exactly the same environment and treated exactly the same (clothing included), they usually behave and feel much the same.

But identical same-sex twins brought up as individuals have different personalities are different people. Usually one is more dominant while the other is more emotional.

It is apparently easier for people who are 'cold and calculating' to be dominant, to dominate those who are 'emotional'.

Add that those dominating others may in this way acquire power over others, or social and economic gains from using, and from misusing, people.

Such a system rewards primitive inhuman brutal (beastlike) behaviour (acquiring territory by force, might is right), held in check only by the fear of consequences.

We also see that dominating others is conditioned, that is unnatural, behaviour which is destructive of humane behaviour. A throw-back to the level of the unthinking unfeeling primitive animal.

Humane behaviour is based on feelings of care and affection for the young and for the family, and then for other people and the community. From this emerges a sense of social responsibility: people matter and are important, need to be treated well and looked after, are entitled to share equally. Backed up by knowledge, understanding and reason.

And, in the hostile environment in which humanity finds itself, what are also needed are dedicated effort, strength and power to achieve a humane way of living, to achieve a good standard of living and a high quality of life.

 

Part of the hostile environment is an almost intentional-seeming conditioning which frequently portrays brutal behaviour as a norm, by media and other opinion-forming sources. This has the effect of brutalising society, seemingly legalising, making acceptable, inconsiderate and unfeeling behaviour towards other people.

What we see is a world-wide struggle for a humane life which shows people struggling to achieve a humane way of life, each struggling to advance at their own level of development and achievement, struggling against those who wish to dominate others, against those who wish to exploit others, against those who wish to oppress so as to exploit.

Struggling to achieve the satisfaction of needs which are entirely in line with the evolution and development of the human brain and human mind. Needs and wants such as those for survival (food, shelter, and clothing) and secure existence, affection and esteem, friendly and trustful co-operation and companionship, independence from domination by others, high quality of life and living, self-realisation and development. And "people will co-operate with each other and work hard and well to satisfy these needs and gain much satisfaction from doing so.

 

 

Ok, here's something about Ki. We all have Ki. In fact every living thing needs it or it simply wouldn't exist. It's like the glue that binds the world and the Universe and you together. 
 
It's called different things in different cultures i.e Chi, Prana Ki and 'The force' in Star Wars (it was based on Japanese Samurai legends, but us guys know that). So it's basically like this amazing expression of the universal energy, and it keeps everything going and ticking over.

Now I could say all this stuff and it might not mean much but you can actually experience it for yourselves. Here's an exercise to try with a friend (human I'm afraid). Extend your arm in front of you, and imagine this powerful energy extending from your centre point 2" below the navel through your fingers and on and on into infinity. Now get said friend to bend your arm by holding at the wrist and elbow. Give it a good bend don't be afraid...ok you will have noticed that if you kept thinking about that energy your arm will be near impossible to bend. Now here's the interesting part... get your bemused friend to touch your fingertips and ask you to stop the energy there. Now you are no longer extending your mind (ki given form and focus like sun through a magnifying glass) and your are stopping at this obstacle. You will find the arm bends easily, because you are no longer extending your Ki.

There are many exercise like this in Aikido and eventually you do every move with this kind of focus, but the point is not to simply throw someone it is to experience the universal dance which Ki is.

Let me know how you got on, and don't get into any fights!

ps if you want to see my teacher in action we have put some clips on youtube search ksmbda and have a look at ki power.

Hi everyone. I thought I thought I'd start this with something a bit unusual. You may or may not know that Aikido is a Japanese martial art. Ok, so where's the link to writing? You can hurt someone if they intrude in your workspace? well not quite, tempting though it may be.

Aikido is to do with mind and body coordination,defence of self rather than self defence. What it basically shows is that the mind is very powerful and linked to the universe. In fact at deeper levels it IS the Universe.

Hopefully I haven't lost you all yet proclaiming I'm a maniac. The thing is where all this links to writing is this: a thought is like a sheet of paper. Now to demonstrate how real the mind actually is is quite simple. When have you ever done something you haven't thought about first?

Answer: never. You have to think about everything you do, even brushing your teeth. Your body won't just go and do it unless you give it a command first. What this means is that your body is actually a container for thoughts both good and bad. You produce every single thought and emotion, and you CHOOSE to have it, to see it a certain way. You'll notice the more unhappy people are the more they tend to look down, they 'feel the weight of the world' on their shoulders, only it's not the world it's all those thoughts. Of course your 'robot' body and mind will then work from that perspective. Why?

OK, so you, like me, tend to maybe have doubts about your writing and everything else in life. Now all these doubts are like these sheets of paper begining to turn into many phonebooks. Here's the thing. You can change your mind! It's the easiest thing to do, and the first thing to do. You can turn those negative feelings and emotions into positive feelings and emotions and fill your body and mind with those. Believe me it makes a difference (although I'm not saying it doesn't take practice).
It's the easiest thing to do. Have a positive thought, it's why your here, to become the best version of yourself you can be.

The mind is real. In fact it's more real than your body, because without the mind the body does nothing. We could talk about spirit, but perhaps that's one for later.

Anyway I'd welcome your thoughts !

 Guy
Also we do ok on the fight stakes!

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100
people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would
look something like the following:

There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be
from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death;
1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need
for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

The following is also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more
blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of
imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ...
you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment,
arrest,torture, or death...
you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

Things got a little ugly the over the past few days.  Some of the responses to Barb's blog got quite nasty.  So Word Cloud was forced to step in an remind people of the etiquette of on-line discussions.

So let's all just chill out and discuss a harmless topic, calmly and rationally.  I would like Word Clouders' comments on my view;   Kitten torturing - what's wrong with it?

Writers be warned! Here is an example of the 'advice' you get on this website, from 'Critique' in this instance:

'You should look at the use of plu-perfect tense in the scene at the bus-stop, maybe perfect tense is enough?'

'Pluperfect' is a single word, and should not be fragmented and have a hyphen inserted into it at random. It is the alternative name of the Past Perfect.

Further, 'bus stop' is not hyphenated in standard English. The noun 'bus' is used as an adjective in 'bus stop', to describe the kind of stop it is.

Advice to use the 'perfect' tense instead of the pluperfect is nonsense, as the pluperfect is a perfect tense, along with the present perfect and future perfect. 

Nobody seems to be monitoring the accuracy of the advice given. It is simply left around the site, for you to read and perhaps take, in good faith.

Candide was the illegitimate son of a Baron’s sister.  He went to live with the Baron and his huge wife where he fell in love with their daughter Cunegonde, who was also a hefty lass.  Candide was a bit of a chubby chaser.  Anyway, they were caught at it one day and Candide was thrown out by the Baron.

 

Candide joined the army but decided forget this for a game of soldiers and deserted.  He was captured and about to  be killed when the king happened to be passing and pardoned him.  Well, it could happen.  Anyway Candide promised not to desert again but he did.  Plainly a man with commitment issues.

 

He met up with, Pangloss, his old mate from the castle.  Pangloss told him Cunegonde had been disembowelled by soldiers.  (Given how large she was, that would've been a messy job).  They sailed away on a ship but the ship sank.  Just as they staggered ashore there was an earthquake. 

Before he could say, 'Give me a break,' the locals decided to sacrifice Candide and Pangloss.  Pangloss was hanged but Candide was pardoned - again.  After more travels he bumped into Pangloss and Cunegonde again.  Pangloss had survived hanging and Cunegonde had survived being disembowelled (as you do).  Far fetched, I know, but this is classic literature.

 

By now Cunegonde was ugly as sin but Candide was undeterred.  Candide, Cunegonde and Pangloss pooled their money and bought a farm.  The end.

A walk to the park

 

Had a great afternoon out today’ just thought I let you know about the first part of the afternoon out.

 On the way back home got to thinking would I ever swap all this’, for a life with Madonna? The answer was--- well maybe there could be some sort of compromise; only joking.

 

 

We set ‘off’, destination the local park! Before stepping outside into the fresh afternoon air; last minute checks are carried out by yours ‘truly’, using my loud stern’ gravely voice of ‘authority’’ ‘Ruth’ (10 year old daughter) ‘Katie’ (Ruth’s best friend) DO YOU NEED A WEE BEFORE WE GO!- NOoooo dad can we just go; ‘Right’ I say; (a bit John Cleese like) and remind them both of the do’s and don’ts for the afternoon outing.

As we walk along the path Katie informs Ruth that if you go into Sainsbury’s and say happy Easter to any of the staff they will give you a free Cadbury’s cream egg; ‘what’ was that you said Katie; I asked; Katie repeated; my mum told me this morning that if you go into Sainsbury’s and wish a member of staff happy Easter they will give you a cream egg, did you say cream egg? YES God your dads deaf Ruth both of them now giggling.

 As we only live a five minute walk from Sainsbury’s and it’s also on the way to the park I ask the girls if they would like to pop into Sainsbury’s to find out if the cream egg thing is true, an expected yes is the answer.

On entering the super market I join the queue to the cigarette counter and the girls ask if it’s ok for them to go and find a member of staff so they can wish them happy Easter and collect there cream egg I nod a smiling yes to them as they dash off in hop pursuit of an orange uniform.

The lady behind the cigarette counter asked me what I would like’ only giving her half of my attention due to the fact of trying to keep one eye on where the girls are; I ask for some cigarette papers and tips, it’s then I notice the girls running back toward me excitedly holding a cream egg each in there hands; turning quickly to the lady behind the counter’ now handing me my change I say thank-you; ‘happy Easter’ she smiles back saying ‘Thanks’.

I’m still standing there at the front of the queue smiling at her and nodding my head she says; anything else; ah’ no’ ‘no’ that’s great thanks, I’m thinking that it must be certain members of staff that must be walking around the store with boxes of delicious cream eggs.

 I question the girls; who gave you your eggs’ that lady there behind the customer services counter, good; I know her, I walk over hands in pockets smiling and saying happy ‘Easter’ frowning her eye brows and smirking she informed me’ now Kenty I know you are over the age of 12 years and these free eggs are for kids only, laughing it off; of course I knew that, was just messing about.

 

 

 

 

The ship of humanity sinks its anchor most deeply into those who have fallen overboard and sunk, while those still with the energy to swim watch enviously the people who believe that defending a lifeboat will somehow prevent disaster.