The Word Cloud

Not my usual screenwriting blog this week because I spent last week at the silent comedy festival in Bristol, Slapstick 2012. I managed to see five events including the Friday night Gala at the Colston Hall featuring Buster Keaton's The General supported by shorts from Laurel and Hardy and Charlie Chaplin.
I've got nothing but good things to say about the festival (with the possible exception of Griff Rhy Jones' unbelievably self-serving introductions to other people's films), but the high spots for me were the two events hosted by Oscar winning film historian Kevin Brownlow. There is simply no one who has done more for silent film and Brownlow's films and books on the subject are definitive and, annoyingly, as commerically unavailable as the films he's talking about.
Which leads me to my topic; there is a vast body of silent film that remains unavailable despite already having had money spent on them for restoration purposes. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse was one of the most successful films of all time, it features Rudolph Valentino's first starring role and was a personal favourite of David Lean who always referenced its director Rex Ingram as an influence, and yet you cannot go into a shop and buy a decent copy (there's probably a few ropey and illegal ones knocking about). Even currently popular stars like Buster Keaton suffer; The Camerman and Spite Marriage are so seldom seen that they have been at best glossed over by film history and at worst considered sub-par (which they are certainly not).
Can I do anything about this? I don't know but I think I'd like to try. At least I can raise awareness, so watch this space.
Oh, and so this is still technically about screenwriting, let's have a round of applause for the teams of gag-writers who helped make the great silent comedians so great!

Repost for Miranda


    The first thing to realise when setting out to write ‘Quality Literature’ is that you should not be trying to entertain people: you should be trying to impress them. (By ‘people’, I mean ‘people who judge literary awards’.) Get hold of the latest winners of awards such as the Booker Prize and study them, taking particular notice of the latest fashionable buzzwords, which you need to put into your prose at every opportunity. A collection of literary quotes is also useful; try to include as many thinly-veiled references as possible, preferably from the more boring (eg Tolstoy) or obscure (eg Rilke) authors. This will help to make your readers feel superior and pander to their inherent elitism.
    Certain elements should be strenuously avoided, such as any discernable plot, action, sex, or humour. Your characters must be middle class (eg neurotic suburban housewives, merchant bankers etc), but lower class characters may be used in third world scenarios, as long as they are thoroughly patronised. Your characters absolutely must not develop in any way that might be construed as interesting: think ‘turgid’, ‘obsessive’, ‘stultifying’.
    By far the most appropriate themes are those concerning death and disease - at least one of your characters should have an aggressive and inoperable form of cancer, or be suffering a mental breakdown following an abortion/stillbirth.
    Always use as many words as possible to say as little as possible. Metaphor is your friend here: be as oblique as you can, and always keep your Thesaurus handy. Never write ‘house’ when you could write ‘domicile’, never write ‘the sun was setting’ when you could write ‘the chariot of Apollo plunged, in raddled celestial frenzy, towards its counter-diurnal nadir’.

    So: you’ve written a 500 page novel, with your eye firmly on the awards. Ask yourself the following questions:

1) Is it boring?

2) Is it contrived?

3) Is it pretentious?

4) Is it pointless?

5) Is it depressing?

If you can answer “Yes” to all these questions  -  CONGRATULATIONS! You have written ‘Quality Literature’  -  now go and stick your head up a pig’s bottom.

Ever since I joined the cloud the concept of POV has caused me a lot of torment.  Even though I have listened and followed the advice clouders give on this, I still find myself reading published books that do not follow the rules...  So, in plain english - pretend I'm a child - can someone explain the different types of writing narrative, i.e. 1st, 2nd and 3rd.  And if possible, let me know what the popular one is.

I get the impression 1st is in for YA novels.  Then again, it depends on the story.  I have read some YA novels written in 2nd (I think).  And Harry Potter is written in 3rd - am i right?

To put it in context...I prefer to write from a female POV, but at times I want to slot in the male POV.  How do I do this, without having to switch all the time?  How can I do this smoothly?  I am just working on a brand new novel, and I want to get it straight in my head before I get sucked in and then have to edit a lot!

Thanks a lot for you help... it's really appreciated.

Recently I have spent a bit more time than normal at my father’s house as he managed to have another being ill experience. He is approaching 87 and these things are to be expected. In any event, he turns out to be OK and is recovering nicely.

But in the way of things with old folk he once more insisted on taking me through the various papers and stuff that I will have to take care of “if ……” I have no particular interest in his money and usually find something else to do. On this occasion though I humoured him as I didn’t want him having another heart attack. In the same cupboard there was an OXO tin (remember those?) in which there were some old photographs dating generally from the 1930s and the Second World War of him, my mother and various family members, many of which I recognise, some of which he’s forgotten all about. Also there are some great pictures of the Mosquito Squadron he was part of in the Fleet Air Arm. Lovely planes and some great pics.

On the bottom there were two pictures that could barely be made out, image almost faded to nothing. Yesterday I spent an age scanning, filtering, adjusting until rather like magic I got them to the state you see below.

The wedding group one is recognisably my grandmother in the middle and so it must be her wedding to my grandfather, which I can date. He’s the rather nervous looking chump with the watch chain - also recognisable. He had reason to be nervous, naughty boy! My grandmother had a quite distinctive face and despite the quality I am absolutely sure it’s her. Also the old fellow with the walrus moustache on the left is my great grandfather, I know because I have a good picture of him from the first world war period, standing in front of his pub. This is definitely a find, no other known copy exists.

The other, and this was equally challenging in different ways, must be my great grandmother because I can see my grandmother in her, although I’ve no idea when it was taken. She looks younger than in the wedding group.

I have no reason for writing this other than I had a crap weekend, apart from this. I’m rather pleased to find them, and also with myself for managing to rescue the images, so I thought I’d brag about it.

 

Went to Worthing on Saturday to see my daughter for the first time in 20 years.

I met Miranda, her Fiance Alex (massively cool dude) and her two cats, Hendrix (who was entirely disdainful of me) and Sookie (who went utterly soppy for me and covered me in cat hairs and dribble) - she enjoyed repeatedly falling off my lap in slow motion.

I told Miranda "I've got a little prezzy for you, but don't get too excited, it's nothing fantastic." I then rooted around in my bag, and handed her a Rice Crispies Square, choc orange flavour. She gave me a quizzical look, and I said "That's not it". I then produced a wrapped prezzy that was obviously a mug - a egregiously kitsch 'world's greatest daughter' thing, with a fluffy woolly mammoth stuffed in it. When she extracted the mammoth, she found another (tiny) parcel underneath, which contained some demon skull earrings, which met with aesthetic approval.

We then did the photos thing: I showed Miranda the pictures she'd drawn when she was lickle, 'Ghostys coming through the dark', 'Big fishy!' (whale) and a 'Birdy' that looks like a kersplosion, among others. The photos came with stories: Miranda in the 'soft play' area for younger kids at Jungle Tumble in Hastings, rolling a enormous foam rubber cylinder up the slide in order to launch it at other passing kids; Miranda on the 'squirty thing', a water cannon which you are supposed to direct at a sort of castle-type target - not into the ear of the kid standing next to you on the next squirter! We got banned from that. I also told her about getting banned from the trampolines for using them as a sort of racetrack, shouting "Bouncy bouncy trampoline!" and sending the other kids flying in all directions, and getting thrown out of a cafe for covering the entire place in grated cheese, etc etc.
I also gave her some photos of me in various squats and travla sites, and she showed me various photos of her and her friends getting utterly twatted and acting like idiots etc.

That was quite a good start, so I then went to the Tesco's just down the road and scored plenty of booze for the evening. Alex went to bed after a few bottles of Speckled Hen, but Miranda and me stayed up all night, talking and being silly.

There were some emotional moments, which we shall pass over with a small *ahem*, but there was also a great deal of sidesplitting hilarity. We have the same sense of humour, so we were cracking each other up. Miranda enjoyed playing drum'n'bass at me (drum'n'bass gives me a pain in the vagina) but we also have a lot of music in common, eg Slipknot, Dr Feelgood. Miranda also enjoyed singing at me - it was among the best pissed singing I've ever heard *glows with fatherly pride*.
We sang a 5.30 am duet, to Cradle of Filth's 'Nymphetamine', but by some oversight we both sang the female part, leaving Danii Filth to sing the male part on his own.

So, we spent the night talking about (among other things) getting utterly twatted, farting, throwing up at parties etc. All very father&daughter stuff. About 10am, I decided I needed coffee. Miranda warned me that, for some reason, she is unable to make good coffee. We fell towards the kitchen, Miranda stepped in some kitten poo (luckily she was wearing Alex's slippers), and she made coffee in the Plungey Thing. I'd been warned not to expect much, but this was the Devil's diarrhea! My reaction made Miranda have a fit of hysterics, and we both laughed like loonies for about ten minutes, till we were both gasping for breath. We then had tea instead.

We had decided that I would go to Tesco's and score breakfast tackle, which Miranda would cook, but then wiser councils prevailed (which probly saved us from spoiling the Worthing Fire Brigade's Sunday morning) and we decided to crash out.

I wedged myself onto their tiny sofa, with two fluffy pink heart-shaped cushions for pillows which had been egregiously partied all over, with all sorts of weird stuff stuck to them, some of which was dangerously sharp. So, with my spine creaking, my legs folded into a sort of origami swan, and being supervised by Sookie who was staring disconcertingly at me from the window ledge, I attempted to sleep. Sookie waited until my breathing got slow and regular, then kicked over a stack of CDs. I woke up after three hours of extremely uncomfortable intermittent sleep, half-crippled and feeling about 25 years older.

But I was in a far better state than Miranda, who woke up (verrry reluctantly) three hours later with a hangover the size of a brontosaurus. She then drank the entire litre of milk I'd scored from Tesco's, so I had to drink Organic Coca-Cola: Coke with cat hairs and saliva (I much prefer the regular flavour).

I hated having to leave and kept having to blink back tears on the train home (I am such a dweeb!)

It was a brilliant reunion, and I can't wait to see Miranda again. She'll be coming to visit me in Potters Bar sometime (soon I hope!) and I'll be able to show her off to my friends: "Hey you guys, this is my awesome, beautiful, witty, talented, awesome daughter Miranda!"

When I was at primary school (many years ago), I read a book called 'King of the Copper Mountain'. It is a story that has lived in my memory for years, but I have never seen the title since the 70's.

Last year, I was prompted to search for any remaining copies of the book, assuming that by now, it was out of print. Oh, yes, I could get a copy - for nigh on £100! I wasn't that desperate...I shelved the idea, feeling a bit sad.

Now, at work, I help with some of the not-so-confident readers in Y6, and part of that role is helping them to choose books. Whilst checking out the 'ruby' shelf with one of the pupils, I made a fantastic discovery! I think Kieran thought I'd gone mad; I could hardly speak - there, on the shelf...now in my hand...was the very book I'd been searching for!

King of the Copper Mountain - re-published! It even had pictures - the same ones I remembered; the king with his enormous flowing beard...the bees buzzing round his head as they told their story, the faithful hare. I was, quite frankly, blown away. I toyed with the idea of sneaking it out there and then - I didn't care that it was there for the kids - I wanted to read it. I resisted.

 Instead, after explaining why I was so excited and the impact the book had had on me as a child of about his age...Kieran decided to give it a go. Now for someone who's normally into 'BeastQuest' and action stories, I had reservations about how he'd receive this magical story. But getting the kids interested in a book is the first hurdle, and he'd just jumped over that one. 

Last week, he told me how much he was enjoying the book.

I am delighted that the book continues to weave its magic to a new generation...and I'm watching the post eagerly so that I can dive into my brand new copy when it arrives.

 

 

Hi all, 

REGISTERING AS SELF-EMPLOYED BEFORE YOU GAIN AN INCOME FROM WRITING 

As I am currently an unpublished writer it might, at first, seem a little odd to have set myself up as a Freelance Writer, i.e. registering as self-employed in this role for tax purposes and completing the online income tax self-assessment each January! (In my case, I was already self-employed as a Freelance Proofreader and simply added the writing role to my job title in the next January self-assessment. I originally registered as self-employed when I enrolled on my first proofreading course.) If you are an unpublished writer or a trainee proofreader I would strongly advise you to register as self-employed - you can then claim expenses and carry them over to the following tax year until (think positive!) you gain a self-employed income.

I have simply followed the tax advice in the annual WRITERS' & ARTISTS' YEARBOOK. Expenses can include laptops and computer software, courses, relevant books and DVDs (which both count as research), subscriptions, and postage. I keep a simple Excel 'Receipts' spreadsheet that I update as soon as I purchase things each tax year, and a more complicated Excel 'Tax' spreadsheet which I update every January (using a template) with a page for each tax year. My maths and spreadsheet skills are not very sophisticated - and this is made worse because one of my obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) compulsions is counting (which began when I did A level maths, which I really struggled with). But I have managed to use Excel with the help of my partner.

The other reason I would advise unpublished writers and trainee proofreaders to register as self-employed is a psychological one. I subscribe to the Creativity Portal website's newsletter, which allows you to download a chapter from a book called 26 SIMPLE WAYS TO NURTURE YOUR CREATIVE LIFE (AN A TO Z LIST). Its top way is called "act as if":

[ITALICS:] What does "act as if" mean? Just what it says! Act as if you already are. It means trying a new role on for size, embracing a new mindset, and acting on your intention "to become" with reinforcing behaviors [...] And the payoff for this intentional role play comes when you realize your acting is no longer acting and you've rightly grown into the new role, becoming what you wanted to become.
Chris Dunmire, 26 SIMPLE WAYS TO NURTURE YOUR CREATIVE LIFE (AN A TO Z LIST)

In other words, if you take yourself seriously and act as a professional writer or proofreader then you are in the best mindset to actually become one. You can then approach literary agents, publishers, or potential clients with confidence in a professional manner.

Lastly, I would strongly recommend unpublished writers to read THE WRITERS' & ARTISTS' YEARBOOK GUIDE TO GETTING PUBLISHED: THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE FOR AUTHORS, by Harry Bingham. He is the founder of the Writers' Workshop. This book covers the whole publication process, including teaching you how to professionally present a manuscript for submission, write a synopsis, and approach literary agents. It is also very funny!

I hope this helps!

Best wishes,
Gemma

The Finns arrive in mass at CC Bar. Charlie welcomes gift bottles of Sambuca ingredients – mainly elderberry with liquorice and anise. The black treacly drink is superb. A great night-cap.

But ex-pats can’t get these in Thailand very easily. Certainly not in Khanom. So what do we do? Three solutions. Buy a bottle of home-made from Charlie – it’s not cheap. Take the ferry over to Koh Samui and buy a bottle or two of inferior product there. Again, not cheap. Or...

... Visit the pharmacy and buy two packs (one of each) of Fishermen’s Friend lozenges - the sugar free Original containing Liquorice and the Aniseed ones. Dissolve both packs into a tiny glass of water – takes a few hours. Add the black liquid to 70cl of Gilbey’s Vodka, £7 here, and put in freezer.

Lo and behold: home-made Sambuca – missing elderberry – but it tastes fine; clears the sinuses and is an inexpensive remedy.

Hi

I'm stunned by what I can and cannot do on this website, particularly in relation to my own stuff.

To summarise :

1. In a topic which I begin, I can edit the first post whenever I like.  (Fine - I have no problem with that).

2. In the same topic, I can Delete not only my own posts, but those made by other people! (This is appalling - I shouldn't be able to delete other people's posts, even if I did start the topic.) 

3. In topics that others have started, I cannot edit or remove my own posts, not even in a brief 'window', e.g. up to 15 minutes after posting. (This is also bad - I should be able to edit my posts or even delete them).

In all other forums you can edit yourself, even if they only give you a brief period of time in which to do this. Popular sites like Facebook and Twitter allow you to delete your own posts whenever you want. Nowhere else do I have the power to delete posts made by other people.

Are other people shocked by this? I'd be interested to hear a variety of views, especially from Word Cloud moderators who could explain their thinking on this?