The Word Cloud

Of all the things I've learnt this year, the most important things is be careful who you love - who you trust and most importantly who you lean on.

 I've had an amazing year with many joys, pleasure and unexpected hurts. But through it all I've learnt that I am strong enough and although it hurts I will make it through. I have met some interesting people and even though they are not apart of my life they have taught me something wonderful. That not matter how scary it is, love is an amazing feeling. 

This year was the first time I fell in love. The true love the love that you would give up your soul for. His name was Jean, and although he was older than me, he just seemed to understand me so well.  We met at a braai. From the beginning I knew he was bad news. He just had the look of a scolding hot plate. You know it's going to hurt you. But I still went for it, and man did hurt . We were never going to work out but there were moments when he was just perfect. Where he said the right things and did just everything to melt me to the bone. He had a way of just calming the over excited little girl in me with a simple touch.  I fell deeply in love and would have done anything for him and maybe that was the problem.  I set myself up to fail, I don't know but what I do know the most amazing thing happened towards the end of our relationship. I found out I was pregnant. Oh how happy and scared I was. I knew we weren't going to get back together because of all the fights, but it didn't matter. I was going to be a mother. I was going to have a baby boy. I don't know how I knew I just knew and when I went to the doctor to confirm everything I was a bundle of nerves.  I was scared of how I was going to look after a baby by myself but the excitement was greater.  The joys of feel that growth within you is like heaven or at least what I think heaven would feel like. 

But the joys were short lived a week later I found out that my baby had died. I felt like I had died too. The will to live was just sucked out of me. The only thing that was keeping me going was my work. I felt like my reason for living was gone and all I wanted to do was die with it. 

The day I had to have my baby removed was a week before my birthday and the most painful day of my life. The loniness and pain is somethings I pray no one ever goes through.

I don't regret any thing I've done or experienced. I believe they have taught me so much and changed me to. I never before been serious about the whole find someone and settle down. But now I see it in a new light. I can't wait to find that someone to share things with. Don't get me wrong I'm still a strong minded independent woman I just want to have that someone to share myself with. I now I'm not the perfect person but  I read a saying that "Love comes not from finding the perfect person but loving the imperfect person perfectly." So I know that somewhere out there is a person like that. A person who sees my flaws and loves me away and some I can do the same with. 

Friends I've learnt is a different story. Love them, trust them, but never lean too hard on them. They are not the pillar that you may think they are. I found that I believed they were stronger and would be able to help me climb out of the pit I fell into, but if anything they just were too scared. So now I've learnt to just love them and move on with my life. 

The pit is not far behind me, but the important thing is it is behind me. I fell, got hurt but got back up again. And although I pray that no ones goes threw an experience like that, I thank God for being there for me and teaching me how strong I really am.