The Word Cloud

Yesterday ‘Saturday’ up nice and early (0500 hours.) 3 strong cups of tea combined with 4 rolled up cigarettes sitting on my favourite chair outside, feed the animals 4 cats and 1 dog, while they are munching take a shower and scrub up well knowing that I have to attend a wedding for 1230 hours as part of the ceremonial team forming a guard of honour for the bride and groom and this is where it all started to go wrong, as I turned the control to off for the on sweet shower the normal cursing from myself starts due to the shower control refusing too shut off because of my wet hands, after drying my hands the dam thing starts to turn off or so I thought ‘puffing and cursing’ it seems an age to reach it’s shut off point after one last strong forceful angry turn the it decides too override the shut off point and the water is coming out of the shower head at full force.

Right then! Off with towel around waist too the garage to get my tool box stubbing my toe on the lawn mower the air is now blue, coming back into the house my youngest granddaughter is looking up at me saying ‘granddad’ ‘granddad; changing my face into a smile I say; hello darling’ where’s mummy? Asleep’ mummy asleep’ want drink, putting the tool box down I make her up some orange in her bottle, picking her up to sit her on the kitchen chair I can feel that her nappy is full so grabbing her under her arms I walk forward with the little phooey one in front of me with her legs dangling, granddad making you fly’ ‘weeeee’ all the way too where her mum was sleeping.

Knocking the bedroom door’ ‘morning’ anyone up to take care of this child? I need to sort the shower out’ ‘hello’ – ‘just come in dad and leave her with me, ‘she’s got a full nappy I said as entering the room’ ‘oh’ you wouldn’t nip down stairs and bring the pink bag up with all of her stuff that I need ‘ heavy sigh and puffing’ ‘yes’’yes’ be back in a minute, as I pass our bedroom door her in doors shouts ‘bring me up a cuppa darling’ have you left the shower running in here? ‘yes’ and no to the shower running the house slave (me.) will tell you about it in a minute.

With tool box’ cup of tea and pink bag and the towel feeling like it is going to slip off and fall too the floor I perform a magnificent balancing act up the stairs, knocking the room where my daughter is staying I shout ‘one pink bag outside’ on entering our bedroom her in doors is sat up in bed waiting for her cuppa and when she sees me the shaking of her head starts while saying; ‘what are you doing? I explain about the shower adding ‘now’ if people will just allow me to get on with it I aim to turn the water off from the little panel in the wardrobe that has screws fixing it to the wall, after removing the front of the panel I can see the little screws on the hot and cold pipes that will knock the water off, so with one anticlockwise turn on each screw the sound of running water stops and all is well.

So I suppose that’s you being heavy handed having your normal moan ‘why don’t they make things simple’ while smiling shaking her head, by this time I had slipped my trousers and shirt on, sitting on the side of the bed I started to put my socks on as she is still creating, standing up I show her the palm of my hand, ‘listen’ I’m taking the dog a walk and then I need to get off to this wedding, I should be back for about 1430 ish in time to go with you all too the local sheep dog trials, leaving the room I can hear her saying; ‘that’s all you bloody care about is dogs’ you both even look alike.

Me and the dog head off by foot too the woods for our morning walk the time is now a few minutes past eight, as I walk down the drive ready to cross the field and road into the woods a young man calls me over, he is saying something out of his open car window that is towing a caravan, I put my hands up to my ears signalling to him that I can’t hear him (thinking in my head that he can get out of the car and come to me the lazy little bastard.) he does as I’m thinking, all right mate he say’s’ ‘where do I park up? Feeling the urge too grab a stick and start trashing his car and caravan, I said ‘do I look like some kind of car parking attendant? Turning my head toward the other caravans already parked up I gesture with the palm of my hand toward them saying have you made a booking, turn my back on him and carry on with my walk.

Returning too the house after the walk I sort the dog out, water my flowers and hanging baskets and join the rest of the family for some breakfast, the conversation topic is all about the broken shower until her in doors says’ a man called at the house and wanted to know if he could park his caravan up, he said that he hadn’t booked and that he plans to propose too his girlfriend tonight in the right settings ‘how romantic’ he said that he had asked an old bloke walking his dog if he could park up and found him to be an unhelpful moody person, I suppose that was you was it, deep sigh’ I couldn’t deny it’ ‘yes’ I do remember seeing someone, anyway I need to get going, the church is a 75 minute journey.

Laying my ceremonial uniform out on the bed I do a final check that everything is there and I am happy that it is, as it was looking like it was going to be a hot day I changed into a pair of shorts and t-shirt and pumps, I then loaded up the car and saying good-bye to everyone I headed off.

Arriving at the church I get out of my car and shaking my head I meet up with the rest of the lads and tell them about my morning adding’ there must be a lot of drivers on the road now that can’t have passed a driving test and they had all decided to be on the same road as me while coming here, now this is where I get agreement and a pat on the back as we are all about the same age and know these things.

We have now all arrived and head into the village hall to get changed and this is where I said the immortal words ‘I don’t believe it! On opening my uniform holdall I found there to be no black socks in there, I was certain that I had put them in there, asking around the room if anyone had a spare pair the answer coming back was no, looking down at my feet I was wearing small white trainer socks, ‘put some black polish on them mate was the laughing advise coming back, I could feel the silent rage building up inside of me, the time was now 1215 hours and people were leaving the village hall to make there way to the church next door as the wedding was at 1300 hours and we needed to be outside the church door to greet people at 1230 hours.

After a deep swallow I thought sod it, I can pull my black trousers down a bit hiding any trace of the white socks and my uniform coat would cover the waist of the trousers, walking too the church like I was wearing stack heels the laughing was coming my way’ ‘you look like you have s—t yourself Kenty, smiling I made my way into the   ceremonial line up.

After it was all over I dodged all of the formula one drivers on the motor way back home and was surprised to see everyone waiting for me as the time was now about 1515 hours, don’t you ever answer your phone said her in-doors (I had switched it off earlier in case it went off at the wedding.) we thought we would wait for you as it has been raining, it looks like it’s going to be nice now’ hurry up as we are ready to go too the sheep dog trials, jumping out of the car I said about my black socks and how sure I was that I had packed them, ‘oh’ said the daughter, was they on yours and mums bed, I had them and gave them to Luke as he needed a pair, ‘deep breath’ her in-doors says pointing her finger ‘don’t start’ it’s happened now, just put your stuff away’ we are going in the land rover the rest are following in Luks car, I cast a glance down at Luks feet as I go indoors to put my stuff away’ ‘oh’ he moans about nothing’ take no notice of him Luke said her indoors.

The sheep dog trials are about 3 miles away and as we head down a beaten track directly where the trials are, Luke is beeping his car horn and flashing his lights behind us, he also jumps out of the car waving his arms, I reverse back up to him and getting out of the car I ask what is wrong, he reports to seeing one of our black kittens jumping out from under our car and running into the hedgerow, by this time we are all out of the car and head to the hedge to find it, now we have 2 black kittens that we rescued, the owner tried to drown the whole litter and these 2 had survived, they are now about 5 months old and just beginning to trust humans again, now one of the kittens does not like the dog while the other thinks the dog is her mother, like the dog thinks it’s her puppy and as the kittens are identical you can only tell who they are if they either stay with the dog or run away.

We could see the kitten well into the hedge, to far in for any of us to reach; she is meowing obviously in some distress, everyone was looking at me to do something.

Ok I said; Luke can you climb the gate and be at the other side of the hedge, when you are there I will get the dog to go in, if it’s the kitten that likes the dog, she will either come out or the dog will get her, if not it will run away toward you, confirming that everyone understood there roll and position I was about to set the dog loose praying that my plan would work as I hadn’t got a plan B, then I did suddenly come up with a second plan, my youngest daughter pulled her coat around her and laying on the floor crawled into the hedge and retrieved the cat with out any fuss, we checked her over for any injuries and I am happy to report that apart from being a bit shuck up she was fine, a quick return home to drop the cat off with her indoors lecturing me that I should have checked under the car before we set off.

Eventually we arrived at the sheep dog trials and sat down to enjoy man and dog at work, the sun was shining and everybody there was enjoying the day, the story of the kitten was going around and I was saying the words again ‘I don’t believe it’ anyway, I got myself and Luke a plastic pint of black dog beer from the beer tent and sat down to enjoy it with her indoors saying did he give the bar person a hard time Luke? he normally moans that it’s not a full proper pint and how are you meant to hold the dam think when it’s full as you loose half of it laughing shaking her head.

Now the kids were moaning that they were bored and frightened about a few wasps that were flying about, don’t worry about them wasps I said, if you start flapping about they will sting you, just then a wasp was hovering directly in front of my face, I had my pint of black sheep in one hand and the dog lead in the other and was sat on the chair an easy target for that persistent wasp, I started blowing at the wasp, the kids had now noticed and were laughing, well you try blowing when you are laughing, I then made biting gestures toward the wasp causing more laughter, the wasp seemed to be nearly on my face near enough for me to hear the buzzing, now panic set in, jumping up ‘blowing’ ‘biting’ and my pint being the priority here I performed a jig with the dog jumping up on me confused to my actions, thankfully I can report that I did enough for the wasp to fly off without stinging me.

Then the words again ‘I don’t believe it!

Apart from Luke loosing a set of keys for the house the rest of the day and night was an enjoyable family get together.

This morning as I took the dog out  I looked over toward the young couple’s caravan and wondered if his girlfriend had said yes to marrying him, I felt a bit bad about been grumpy with him the previous day and was now hoping she had said yes.

When I returned home I noticed the young couples caravan had now gone and pointed it out to her in-doors, she said that he had called round to the house before they left and had left a bottle of white wine as a thank-you for allowing him to stay, I asked if his girlfriend had said yes to marriage, her in-doors replied I’m not telling you!

I don’t believe it!

:O)