Caring for the Carers
Speaking from my own experience, there is an element of truth in both views. The carer might well devote themselves to their failing mother or grandmother from love but in doing so curtail their own chances for future. Aged relatives can live a long time, when they finally draw their last that young girl may be middle aged. She will have had few chances to make friends, no family of her own and the focus of her life to that point will be gone. However willingly she made the sacrifice, that’s the likely reality of her own future.
While she tended to the needs of her charge, from time to time other family members with all sincerity, probably asked, ‘do you need anything, is there anything we can do to help?’
Most often, the reply was likely, ‘no thanks, I’m fine. I can manage.”
The last part may be true, the first is a lie whether they know it or not. Carers by their very nature don’t want to be a burden to others. If you ask them if they need help, they’ll probably refuse it. At the time, they may not even know they really do need it. Nothing is surer than that the carer will, at times, feel isolated and alone. The longer they are in the role, the worse it will get.
Their nature doesn’t allow them to accept offers of help, so they don’t need offers. They need help. They need time away from their charge and on a regular basis. They need a chance to get out and blow off steam, or just to watch the ducks in the pond. Take the relative off their hands for a while, or take them out yourself and leave someone else in charge. Lend a hand with stuff around the house or take them out to dinner.
Don’t ask them if they want it, just do it; of the carer and the cared for, it’s is the carer who most needs your help.
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I think it's worth remembering that it's not just the youth who have their lives taken away by being a carer. My mother in law was 60, had just seen the last of her children move away from home and was getting to really enjoy her freedom when her mother had a stroke and wasn't expected to live for more than six months. She moved in and lived with them for thirteen years. When Granny B finally went into a home because my MIL could no longer cope (and she came in for a lot of criticism for that) my MIL's health had packed up and she never did get to have a swansong at the end of her life.
It's heart breaking when you see the children who are ful time carers for their disabled parents. always feel for the child and the parent in those cases.
We introduced ideas to her, which would bring her freedom and comfort, such as hiring a cleaner and getting a cat, but still offer her the option of choosing in her own time xxx
It sounds as though France has a good system going. What we need in the UK is a MUCH more efficient communications system to let carers know what state help is available. Over the years and particularly over the last six months of Mum's life we only gradually became aware of all sorts of help that we could have both in the way of equipment and caring assistance. Often it was the carers who came in daily who would say, 'Oh, you'd be entitled to such-snd-such, you should ask." Sometimes, it was the doctor, but never was it brought up in advance of the need becoming dire. But we had it much easier than many because there were two of us caring for Mum, together - and she was such a delightful lady, a pleasure to help.
I think another important thing to remember is that carers get very tired and often feel trapped and then guilty for begrudging their situation. When the person they were looking after eventually passes away they can feel as if they should have done more, when in fact, they couldn’t possibly have done more as they didn’t have enough support. Support helps carers to cope even after they’ve finished being carers.
The problem went further back than that - when my father died suddenly of a heart attack. Owing to circumstances, I took over his financial affairs and the house etc.
It is best to leave home as early as possible, I left home and came back again, which was a big mistake as I got caught in a huge rut.
There is no help for carers. My mother refused medical help which made things a nightmare. The best advice i got was not to leave work as, if i did, I might well go insane myself. Under these circumstances,you have to get a sufferer from dementia declared mentally ill. A dementia suffer is not mentally ill, they suffer from short term memory loss. i managed to get a doctor to come round to see me, and he saw my mother - and he told me what would happen. She would suffer increasingly from strokes, until she had a fatal one - which is what happened. not so many months after the doctor came.
I think i was lucky, only in that things happened so fast and it was really only in the last few years of her life that things became nightmarish.
A few months later, i got burgled and the house got completely trashed - just for DVD's and what cash there was. Life has continued in this vein, though these are not subjects i care to write about - nor are they particularly subjects I care to read about either. I prefer Alan Acybourne, though i am sure he has tackled dementia and burglary etc. On Sunday I finished reading Barchester Towers and have begun Dr Thorne. The first two chapters seem to be a summery of a novel - something for which Anthony Trollope apologes - and so he should! I'm off to work now.
P.S I also became aware of how superior the Dutch health service is to the English one. It was some Dutch relations who told me what was happening to my mother as her sister suffered from the same thing,
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