Chapter One- Flying Hopes
This is the first thing I have published on this site so please be
honest! :) This is the first chapter of my book (which has yet to
be named).
Lucia stared up at the ceiling of her room. She had watched the shadow of the night receding across the room through the curtains for some time now and she knew that the day would be beginning soon. No sooner had she thought it that she heard her sister, Nira, stirring and then leaving her bedroom to start her work for the morning.
Her brother would be up soon also, Manir was never one to stay in bed especially since he started serving in the King’s army, and now he can hardly stay asleep after dawn. He would get up soon and go down to the hall where he would have breakfast and then he would leave on some important business and they would not see him again until later that evening when he would come home, have his dinner and then retire to his room.
Lucia was used to Manir’s absence. He was on his way to becoming a general and had a lot of work to do for the king. He would never tell her what this work was, he said that it was confidential, between him and the king but she thought he’s just trying to sound important.
She decided that she had spent long enough staring at the ceiling so she got up and drew the curtains back to let the light in. She smiled as she took in the scene in front of her.
From her quarters on the second floor of the house she could see all of her father’s land. All that he had worked and sacrificed for. The gardens were all in bloom at this time of the year. Full of flowers that she did not know or need to know the names of because they had gardeners to take care of that.
Further on she could see the fields where there were already workers tending to the vineyards. She did not know what time they had started out there at or even what any of their names were, To her and her family they were just hired workers.
"Are you daydreaming again little one?"
Lucia spun around to see her nurse Yantra walk into the room. She was a big woman with a happy face which deepened the wrinkles that covered it. She had been Lucia's nurse since her mother died when she was three.
"Why do you still insist on calling me "little one" when I'm almost 16 years old? I'm taller than you are by a good amount and I think that it is quite obvious that I am not a little girl anymore!"
Lucia wasn't really that angry. She was used the old woman's ways and had learned to love her for them. She was very old-fashioned and had grown-up with very little comfort in her own life so she would always make sure that Lucia had the best of everything but still made sure that she was never spoilt and that she knew how lucky she was to have everything that she does.
"Well be that as it may" Yantra said as she walked over to Lucia's bed, smoothed the bed covers and fluffed the pillows. " I have known you since before you were no taller than my knees and "little" does not always refer to your size, it also refers to your mind, and yours doesn't seem to be that developed as you seem to feel the need to stand by your window in your night gown for all of your father's men to look at you."
Yanra giggled as Lucia jumped away from the window.
"Right well I will call for a maid to bring you up a bowl of water to wash yourself in and then you can come down and help your sister with the preparations. We've just had word that your father is back"
© Levis
Lucia stared up at the ceiling of her room. She had watched the shadow of the night receding across the room through the curtains for some time now and she knew that the day would be beginning soon. No sooner had she thought it that she heard her sister, Nira, stirring and then leaving her bedroom to start her work for the morning.
Her brother would be up soon also, Manir was never one to stay in bed especially since he started serving in the King’s army, and now he can hardly stay asleep after dawn. He would get up soon and go down to the hall where he would have breakfast and then he would leave on some important business and they would not see him again until later that evening when he would come home, have his dinner and then retire to his room.
Lucia was used to Manir’s absence. He was on his way to becoming a general and had a lot of work to do for the king. He would never tell her what this work was, he said that it was confidential, between him and the king but she thought he’s just trying to sound important.
She decided that she had spent long enough staring at the ceiling so she got up and drew the curtains back to let the light in. She smiled as she took in the scene in front of her.
From her quarters on the second floor of the house she could see all of her father’s land. All that he had worked and sacrificed for. The gardens were all in bloom at this time of the year. Full of flowers that she did not know or need to know the names of because they had gardeners to take care of that.
Further on she could see the fields where there were already workers tending to the vineyards. She did not know what time they had started out there at or even what any of their names were, To her and her family they were just hired workers.
"Are you daydreaming again little one?"
Lucia spun around to see her nurse Yantra walk into the room. She was a big woman with a happy face which deepened the wrinkles that covered it. She had been Lucia's nurse since her mother died when she was three.
"Why do you still insist on calling me "little one" when I'm almost 16 years old? I'm taller than you are by a good amount and I think that it is quite obvious that I am not a little girl anymore!"
Lucia wasn't really that angry. She was used the old woman's ways and had learned to love her for them. She was very old-fashioned and had grown-up with very little comfort in her own life so she would always make sure that Lucia had the best of everything but still made sure that she was never spoilt and that she knew how lucky she was to have everything that she does.
"Well be that as it may" Yantra said as she walked over to Lucia's bed, smoothed the bed covers and fluffed the pillows. " I have known you since before you were no taller than my knees and "little" does not always refer to your size, it also refers to your mind, and yours doesn't seem to be that developed as you seem to feel the need to stand by your window in your night gown for all of your father's men to look at you."
Yanra giggled as Lucia jumped away from the window.
"Right well I will call for a maid to bring you up a bowl of water to wash yourself in and then you can come down and help your sister with the preparations. We've just had word that your father is back"
© Levis
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5 Comments
In various online lists of 'Things literary agents and publishers' readers hate', one thing that always makes the top ten is 'manuscripts that start with someone waking up'. This may seem unfair, as it's a very natural way to start a scene (after all, most of us start the day that way!), but you'd have to admit, it is a bit of a cliche.
The other thing is that your opening scene needs to include a 'hook'. You need to introduce some mystery or conflict or expectation which gives the narrative impetus, and gets the reader involved so that they'll be compelled to continue reading.
As an agent told me recently, while rejecting my novel (Waaah!), "It's good, but it needs to be superb."
Hope you find this helpful.
You don't use a lot of punctuation in your speech, though, but that's an easy thing to do :P
Basically, I like it. It's short, can't really tell where it is going from here, but I'd like to know!
x
But that's only advice from a newby writer to another, think on it but ignore that what you don't agree with.
Having seen your profile first I now know you are young and come recently to the idea of writing for a living. Clearly you have a lively imagination and a story - perhaps many stories - to tell but what you need to work on is how to illustrate using writing alone. You have no live voice inflection, no hand gestures, no expressive eyes to speak for you so developing a 'Voice' and a style that leaps off the page is your main object. This is what I'd like to explain if I can.
What strikes me immediately is the 'wordiness' of your style. Words are all you have but beware of rambling. Tighten up wherever possible; make every word of every sentence count, for instance:
'Lucia stared (up) at the ceiling (of her room). She had watched the shadow of (the) night receding (across the room through the curtains for some time now) and (she) knew that (the) day would (be) begin(ning) soon.'
A writers' mantra is: "Show, don't tell"; that is: let action show what's going on rather than trying to describe every detail. Actions really do speak louder than words, therefore let Lucia show she's fed-up with lying awake: 'Lucia stared at the ceiling and sighed.'
Also you are introducing several characters; placing them in Lucia's family and describing them when you have yet to show what's interesting about Lucia beyond the fact that she loves the early morning view from her bedroom window. All this can be dealt with later as she meets people on the stairs, joins them for breakfast etc. Action and dialogue brings your characters to life for us and we will get to know them by the way they act and react; the way they talk - each with an individual voice/attitude of their own.
I hope this is useful comment, Levis.
Best wishes for the future, Amarantha. X
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