Critique of a Short Story
I submitted a short story to the Mslexia magazine competition and
paid an additional £45 to have it professionally critiqued - GULP,
today I got the results of the critique (though think the
competition winner is announced next week).
Having never had anything critiqued before (I've been too much of a wimp to post anything on here - except briefly to Lou who, incidentally, pin-pointed the same 'problem' as this critiquing person! If only I'd shown Lou, and probably all you Cloudies before I submitted... Lesson learned!)
Anyway, I thought I'd share the basic layout of the critique I received (although it's obviously very specific to my story) so that other writers scared of critiques on their work might feel less afraid.
So, it begins with General Comments (which is most of the critique):
"This is a highly imagined and well-rendered evocation of a teenager in break down and (for a person who in the narrative can't communicate) uses metaphors as concepts of reality..." So basically outlines the plot!
"The narrative is rendered here in a highly personal and idiosyncratic way as universal experience. At another level it also bespeaks a quality of isolation and distancing that marks anybody - not just teenagers - in the process of breakdown. In this it raises the literary quality of this piece of writing..." So comments about writing style and suggested audience. Was chuffed by this comment!!
"You are explicit about your literary intentions: 'Time was a train, a speed train, an express'. I wonder if you need to express this explicity as what comes after shows us how this metaphor is working. I think 'the rest of your life platform' is a great culmination to the chunky metaphor that is this paragraph..." Less is more...
"It is telling when you range around these metaphoric notions then come back to earth with 'and I still haven't done any sewing'..." Not sure what 'telling' means - any ideas?
"You use the sense of sight to great effect. 'It's distracting. Red crayon like sickeningly bright blood, is dribbling down her chin.' NB I think this would be even more powerful if you lost the adverb sickeningly..." Bloody adverbs!
"Nettie's hypersensitive sense of taste is used very well here: '...water...a familiar tang of metal hits my mouth' And: 'Water looks clear but smells bad, like my palm when I've held change too long'. Then in one wonderful phrase you manage to combine taste and sound..." Enjoying the compliments but the negative is coming!
"We see her degenerating into total isolation and further and further into disabling paranoia. I would render this without capitals. The words themselves have sufficient power..." This comment was made by Lou (thanks Lou - sorry you saw it after I submitted the story!) I used capitals when she (the narrator) wanted to emphasise a feeling. It clearly was a bad choice as she repeats later in the critique.
"And you need to use explanation marks much more sparingly: 'They'll kill us, Nettie... They've sent snipers in helicopters... They're outside the door...' Explanation marks reduce the power of the meaning of the words..." This comment is really very helpful to me as I had no idea I did that! Clearly, when she quotes me, I do it too much.
"You as the writer, by using all the senses - aural, oral, sound and smell - is very cleverly into the mind of this girl; we hear what she hears, we see what she sees... Through this sick girl's rendering we share the parents' despair. Very good writing..." Phew!
Then the heading reads Publication:
"A highly commended piece of writing. This story would be suitable for the higher quality small magazines or could be one story in a collection to reflect the writer's range. It could also be at the core of a very interesting novel..." Wow, it is at the core of a (hopefully very interesting!) novel!!
Then Presentation / Layout:
The layout and syntax here is fine and the language is accomplished. But I do have reservation about the the use of different typefaces. I had thought that the use of different typefaces here would be viable but on re-reading I have changed my mind. I think particularly the use of upper-case typeface becomes irritating and distracting. The words are - and should be - powerful enough..." OK
Finally the bizarre bit Any Other Comments:
"I have a personal problem with the name Nettie. It looks terribly old-fashioned here. And in my part of the world it is a slang name for an outside toilet..." Excuse me? Where in the world does this person live?!
Anyway, overall am pleased but totally kicking myself for not posting this story on the Cloud first! Hope it's of use to any of you Cloudies as it's been a great help to me.
Having never had anything critiqued before (I've been too much of a wimp to post anything on here - except briefly to Lou who, incidentally, pin-pointed the same 'problem' as this critiquing person! If only I'd shown Lou, and probably all you Cloudies before I submitted... Lesson learned!)
Anyway, I thought I'd share the basic layout of the critique I received (although it's obviously very specific to my story) so that other writers scared of critiques on their work might feel less afraid.
So, it begins with General Comments (which is most of the critique):
"This is a highly imagined and well-rendered evocation of a teenager in break down and (for a person who in the narrative can't communicate) uses metaphors as concepts of reality..." So basically outlines the plot!
"The narrative is rendered here in a highly personal and idiosyncratic way as universal experience. At another level it also bespeaks a quality of isolation and distancing that marks anybody - not just teenagers - in the process of breakdown. In this it raises the literary quality of this piece of writing..." So comments about writing style and suggested audience. Was chuffed by this comment!!
"You are explicit about your literary intentions: 'Time was a train, a speed train, an express'. I wonder if you need to express this explicity as what comes after shows us how this metaphor is working. I think 'the rest of your life platform' is a great culmination to the chunky metaphor that is this paragraph..." Less is more...
"It is telling when you range around these metaphoric notions then come back to earth with 'and I still haven't done any sewing'..." Not sure what 'telling' means - any ideas?
"You use the sense of sight to great effect. 'It's distracting. Red crayon like sickeningly bright blood, is dribbling down her chin.' NB I think this would be even more powerful if you lost the adverb sickeningly..." Bloody adverbs!
"Nettie's hypersensitive sense of taste is used very well here: '...water...a familiar tang of metal hits my mouth' And: 'Water looks clear but smells bad, like my palm when I've held change too long'. Then in one wonderful phrase you manage to combine taste and sound..." Enjoying the compliments but the negative is coming!
"We see her degenerating into total isolation and further and further into disabling paranoia. I would render this without capitals. The words themselves have sufficient power..." This comment was made by Lou (thanks Lou - sorry you saw it after I submitted the story!) I used capitals when she (the narrator) wanted to emphasise a feeling. It clearly was a bad choice as she repeats later in the critique.
"And you need to use explanation marks much more sparingly: 'They'll kill us, Nettie... They've sent snipers in helicopters... They're outside the door...' Explanation marks reduce the power of the meaning of the words..." This comment is really very helpful to me as I had no idea I did that! Clearly, when she quotes me, I do it too much.
"You as the writer, by using all the senses - aural, oral, sound and smell - is very cleverly into the mind of this girl; we hear what she hears, we see what she sees... Through this sick girl's rendering we share the parents' despair. Very good writing..." Phew!
Then the heading reads Publication:
"A highly commended piece of writing. This story would be suitable for the higher quality small magazines or could be one story in a collection to reflect the writer's range. It could also be at the core of a very interesting novel..." Wow, it is at the core of a (hopefully very interesting!) novel!!
Then Presentation / Layout:
The layout and syntax here is fine and the language is accomplished. But I do have reservation about the the use of different typefaces. I had thought that the use of different typefaces here would be viable but on re-reading I have changed my mind. I think particularly the use of upper-case typeface becomes irritating and distracting. The words are - and should be - powerful enough..." OK
Finally the bizarre bit Any Other Comments:
"I have a personal problem with the name Nettie. It looks terribly old-fashioned here. And in my part of the world it is a slang name for an outside toilet..." Excuse me? Where in the world does this person live?!
Anyway, overall am pleased but totally kicking myself for not posting this story on the Cloud first! Hope it's of use to any of you Cloudies as it's been a great help to me.
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31 Comments
It is hard to recieve criticsm and we take it very personally. If I had loads of money I would send my writing out for lots of critiques. (I am more open to advice then I was in the early days) not so precious about my work.
I often kick myself for not posting to cloudies first as they give such a lot of positive and informative help.
Do you feel this person was wrong in what she said? Or do you agree?
I find it is a good idea to put it away for a while and work on something else and look later.
I put mine away for ten years!!
There was more in the general comments but they seemd to basically reaffirm what my story was about. It was only two sides of A4 for general comment with those other headings at the end.
Am not disheartened as I think they were good points and overall it felt positive. I would strongly urge anyone who's not had their work critiqued before to do it - maybe just a short story as it is at least cheaper than a whole novel. Was two sides of A4 worth £45? For me I'd say yes.
Well done Ele, sounds like you have a great story on your hands, keep at it, would love to see more of it on here :)
What I've found unexpected, Alanboy, about the critique is how freshly motivated it's made me. I'd got a little stuck with the novel I was working on but have had ideas buzzing round my head all night.
Have taken the plunge and posted this story... Be kind, Cloudies!!!
Of course, that is the negative; the positive was getting guidance to put things right that I wasn't really aware were mistakes. And, yes, Ele, it motivated me, too.
"Not sure what 'telling' means - any ideas?"
I think it's Telling as in revealing in a subtle way. As in "It's very telling that although he says he loves her, he doesn't bother to go to her graduation". A Good Thing, in other words.
"Nettie" - I think it might be Australian - an alternative to dunny. If not, I think it might be Geordie. I've definitely heard it for outside toilet somewhere...
Lou, I agree that entering comps is an expensive business - I enter painting comps too. For me, competitions give boundaries and something to aim for. Motivation, I suppose. I don't ever enter an art competition thinking I might win, just like I didn't with the Mslexia. It's just a good way to get work seen. Anyhting else is bonus!
"Is her use of words quite typical for a critique? " - it is fairly typical, I'd say, though it varies a lot - I'm at the chatty and informal end of the spectrum, and my critiquing voice is much like that of my blog, but others are more formal.
Meant to say, I think it was a very good idea to get a critique, because it can really help to give you a steer on how your writing reads to the sort of people who will be judging you and editing little literary mags and that sort of thing... Also, even if you don't get anywhere in the comp, it means you do take something away which is of value.
I did just the same with two stories when I first staring entering competitions, and it was the first time ever that someone I didn't know (as opposed to peers and teachers) had ever responded to my work at all, so it was daunting but also very good for my confidence: having someone say in effect, "Yes, I get what you're doing", even with reservations, is energising like few other things.
Pleased you have decided to post the story but couldn't see it on the forum?
I have to say 'Nettie' conjures up an image of an older lady. Hairnet? Ena Sharples? Remember her?
I'm not sure you should. Nettie is your creation. If her name is right for you, then stick with it. Making changes based on professional advice is one thing, but character names are purely personal.
Anyway, in a straight choice, I would choose Millie. I hope the name doesn't carry unwanted baggage.
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