Extrovert / Introvert?
This past week has been miserable, truly miserable. I was always
convinced that I was a loner, a thinker, one of those anti-heroes
from the movies who are grumpily saving the world while refusing to
be civil or friendly. But I'm not.
I'm in Jerez de la Frontera, in the south of Spain, for a week by myself - just a week - and I'm already lonely. A trip funded by my own self-importance and desire for adventure, I've found that it's been the opposite of everything I imagined. I'm not a loner, just lonely; I'm a thinker, but I really want a break from my own company; and I'm certainly not someone who lives off shunning people.
Some of you will quite rightly point out that I'm 27 and that I should have grown out of trying to be like a character from the movies, like Indiana Jones or Wolverine, but I guess it's been ingrained since my youth. The truth is that I admire them for their ability to be independent, to walk through life with only their thoughts for company.
You see, I'm an extrovert. I love being with people, huge groups of people, for as long as possible. It sounds like attention-seeking, but it's not. Or maybe it is. But somehow, as a human being, I depend on social interaction to sustain me. Without it, I feel like I'm going mad. I'm sat in my hotel room now, writing this blog whilst my extroverted self is frantically trying to pull down the walls inside of me.
So I have my heroes because I want to be able to be independent from people, like they are, but I can't. I want to not have to rely on people, but it's not possible. Without people, I would go crazy.
The irony is that I came here to write a story set in Cadiz and, although the trip has been invaluable for setting and plot, I have had no inspiration for my writing, nor even any desire to write. How shocking. How disappointing. But I have no doubt that, after I've returned home and spent a few nights with good friends, the juices will flow again and I'll want to lock those same friends out and write for a while. Then I'll need to see them again. People give me energy, passion, desire. I want to be self-reliant, but I can't.
Some of you, of course, will think completely contrary to me. You will admire the people who are the centre of everyone's attention, who draw laughter or engage an audience without even trying, while you curse your inability to socialise. You long to be the extrovert, despising the fact that you draw your energy from being alone. You cannot stop yourself being introverted, but you damn well fight it.
Sadly, you are, and always will be, the introvert. And I will be trapped in my own head until I can escape Jerez.
I'm in Jerez de la Frontera, in the south of Spain, for a week by myself - just a week - and I'm already lonely. A trip funded by my own self-importance and desire for adventure, I've found that it's been the opposite of everything I imagined. I'm not a loner, just lonely; I'm a thinker, but I really want a break from my own company; and I'm certainly not someone who lives off shunning people.
Some of you will quite rightly point out that I'm 27 and that I should have grown out of trying to be like a character from the movies, like Indiana Jones or Wolverine, but I guess it's been ingrained since my youth. The truth is that I admire them for their ability to be independent, to walk through life with only their thoughts for company.
You see, I'm an extrovert. I love being with people, huge groups of people, for as long as possible. It sounds like attention-seeking, but it's not. Or maybe it is. But somehow, as a human being, I depend on social interaction to sustain me. Without it, I feel like I'm going mad. I'm sat in my hotel room now, writing this blog whilst my extroverted self is frantically trying to pull down the walls inside of me.
So I have my heroes because I want to be able to be independent from people, like they are, but I can't. I want to not have to rely on people, but it's not possible. Without people, I would go crazy.
The irony is that I came here to write a story set in Cadiz and, although the trip has been invaluable for setting and plot, I have had no inspiration for my writing, nor even any desire to write. How shocking. How disappointing. But I have no doubt that, after I've returned home and spent a few nights with good friends, the juices will flow again and I'll want to lock those same friends out and write for a while. Then I'll need to see them again. People give me energy, passion, desire. I want to be self-reliant, but I can't.
Some of you, of course, will think completely contrary to me. You will admire the people who are the centre of everyone's attention, who draw laughter or engage an audience without even trying, while you curse your inability to socialise. You long to be the extrovert, despising the fact that you draw your energy from being alone. You cannot stop yourself being introverted, but you damn well fight it.
Sadly, you are, and always will be, the introvert. And I will be trapped in my own head until I can escape Jerez.
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16 Comments
I think I have two sides; perhaps most people do? I like to be alone and have (re?)learned to be comfortable in my own company. But I also crave social interaction with good people. Is this like you? Or do you feel uncomfortable alone, particularly in social environments?
I don't like really large groups because I like to talk properly with people in smaller numbers. Larger groups (especially of friends I know well) make me feel like I'm shutting some of them out while I talk to just three or four. I prefer that more intimate social/conversation dynamic. Normally, I end up not really talking properly with anyone 'cause I've tried to get round everybody, and feel dissatisfaction with the evening. I think you prefer the larger group dynamic, right?
A few years ago I went to Australia, bought a rusty old van and drove around living in it for over a year. I prepared myself for a lonely life on the road, and hardly any contact with anyone. It didn't work out that way. Other than the first night sleeping off jet-lag in a hotel, I never really spent a moment alone again after that. I think I showed to myself that, actually, despite daydreams of being a total hermit, I like company and I like people too much. Plus the Aussies were a particularly sociable lot.
But I can imagine your situation. You've put a bit of pressure on yourself to travel somewhere specific with the intention of writing about it in some way, and it's not coming. That would perhaps feel (at the moment) like you've failed to some degree? And travel where you don't meet anyone good can be a drag and demotivating. Perhaps even eat at self-confidence.
My approach is not necessarily a good one, and it may not work for you. I set out with the intention of getting about: living it first, writing it later. I don't put any pressure on myself to write anything more than essential notes when travelling, leaving that for after, when the inspiration comes. The intention is to get out and about and then go with the flow of things to see where they take me. I wish my instincts were better, 'cause sometimes nothing comes of the flow and I have to force situations, which I don't like doing.
I tend to admire the quiet thinkers more than the loud and obnoxious. My urge is normally to want to approach the person sitting by themselves in the corner. But I'm not sure if I'm introvert or extrovert myself. I think my nature is introvert, but I sometimes force extrovert behaviour because I crave the company.
I have absolutely no idea if any of this makes any sense at all.
Walk around the town - walk - walk - walk. This will tire you out so you might sleep at night.
Inspect the shops, do all the touristy things - and take a bss to an nearby town for something new!
Don't worry about not being able to write anything when you are away, it might stop you sucking up all those surrounding juices and when you come back you will have nothing to spill. See, smell, taste and remember for when you get back and then write! but most of all enjoy!
Gels :)
I find I write best when I'm trying to fit it in between running errands for my husband, feeding lambs/calves, doing the VAT return, shopping, swimming...........in other words under pressure. If I have a whole day ahead of me to write, I find it very difficult to sit down and concentrate so I completely understand why you're having trouble! At least you have been inspired for the setting and plot so you can return home and get down to the nitty gritty once again! Good luck Indiana!
Steve, well summed up. Fascinating idea as well, travelling around Oz in a rusty van. You must tell me more! I'm not generally good in small groups or even one-on-ones, unless they're very close friends. I find that my mind can wander, I don't talk to anyone properly, and that I'm exhausted by the end. Dunno why. It's groups that I love - the freedom to talk to anyone about anything, the laughter, the community, the passion. I don't know why, but, for me, every good thing seems heightened in a group.
Although I can be alone. I seem to need the break one way or another - either a break from myself or a break from people - although it does seem that I lean towards needing people more than needing myself. I can be alone in groups as well; on Wednesday I sat in a Spanish club by myself for a few hours while everyone else danced, just to see what it was like. I learned stuff, but it was a little dull... I consider the highlight of my life to be living in a halls of residence at uni. It was a big hall and someone was always doing something, but when I needed to I could lock myself away in my own room. That way of living, with the almost constant community, seems to suit me best, as long as I can lock myself away every now and then.
I agree with you, Jill, on your point that that there is generally more depth and value in intimate conversation. While this is not always the case, most extroverts are slightly superficial as their only concern is the party and people's opinion of them. This is not a bad thing, but there is something rewarding about going deeper. I like doing it, but it seems I can only do it with a few and, ironically, often in groups. I find it interesting that you long to go back to the shyness and solitude you had as a child. Does this mean, for any number of reasons, that you no longer can?
Thanks Mike and Gels for your advice. It's good and I will take it.
Regarding Sherry-drinking die-hards in Jerez, I think you may have struck non-fiction writing gold, ironically. If everything goes well and according to your plan, there's no story. The tales we all tell after the event are when things go wrong. "I went to Jerez and everything was just delightful," doesn't interest many people. It might not seem it at this moment, but, "I went to Jerez and it was a total nightmare..." gives you something to tell. Stephen Clarke's "A Year in the Merde" demonstrates the point well, and it's a smidge more pertinent to your writing as it also blurs the boundary between fiction and non-fiction.
'Course, I'm not saying that it's good to go seeking trouble when you travel. And I certainly wasn't hoping for a semi at full tilt hammering through a van.
I'm kinda 'socially bipolar': sometimes I enjoy human company, sometimes I need solitude. Maybe that's a good combination for a writer!
at least you'll be an expert in Spanish sherry when you get home! I wish you hadn't said that about people in authority, that's another one to add to my list of people who intimidate me!! As for my guitar, I play some Norah Jones, Jack Johnson, Paul McCartney, Indigo Girls, Laura Marling, some blues and to much else to mention. Also some of my own songs, sort of jazzy, mostly upbeat, sometimes humerous! What about you?
As for being there to write a story set there, don't worry about writing it just yet. Get out and savour the atmosphere, pick up those telling little details - like the old man sitting on the corner, the scarlet geraniums in old terracotta pots on doorsteps - stuff you wouldn't have thought about until you happened to notice them out of the corner of your eye. Those are the sort of details that give a story its life, and make it stand out. Find out as much as you can - you never know what you might be able to come up with in other ways.
And not just for fiction. Travel magazines love articles that are individual and capture the character of a place. I think Steve's already covered this.
Whenever I'm away on holiday or simply visiting, I annoy my family by sitting down with a notebook late at night at writing as much down as possible - facts, feelings, incidents - anything. Once I was walking round Padstow and saw a lady sitting on a low wall with a notebook, looking round her to take the scene, then writing it all down. She'd filled several pages by the time she got up. Sometimes I think writing it down helps embed it in your memory. Or as a reminder. I came across something in one of my notebooks the other day that I'd completely forgotten about.
Jill - I know just what you mean about families and so many needs all having to be met during a difficult time. Sometimes you need to get away, even if's only for a couple of hours, for the sake of your own sanity.
Jill, my question wasn't rhetorical, and I appreciate you taking the time to answer it so openly. I can understand how hard it can be, and it raised another interesting point - we've talked here about how much we need and depend on people, and yet your experience of the responsibility of having people depend on you has awakened a need and desire for solitude. It's fascinating that you once craved social interaction, but now you find your strength in your own company. I never thought of it from the side of the dependee (if that's a word) and not the dependant.
Maryluv - it's shame I didn't know! The idea of sherry in Cadiz sounds very appealing... I didn't go to Ronda, no, I just hung out in Cadiz and Jerez the whole time. I love the fact the week with your friend was the best! It often is that way round. I guess there's less responsibility that way round and you can just enjoy yourself.
Mike, the idea of doing that on a university campus sounds amazing, the perfect balance. Only problem is that I have to care about what I'm researching about, and finding that in a job isn't always easy. Maybe I should do it though. I love medieval history.
Thanks Gerry. What you said about not being at home and therefore not feeling the need or desire to use what you took from home made a lot of sense.
Wrathnar - well said!
Karen55 - I like Dave Matthews Band and a guy called John Mayer, but generally my tastes are pretty eclectic, and I enjoy listening to different types of world music, eg salsa, latin, Arabic etc. Some of it's a bit westerned up to make it accessible - I'm not hardcore - but I do enjoy it. I play a bit as well, bit of my own (though I struggle with writing songs) and bits of others. Music is a passion of mine, definitely.
Interesting story about the lady, Rebecca, and good advice. I found a couple of things that hid at the back of my memory for a while until they clicked in the last couple of days as I wandered around Cadiz. One was the smell of urine when you wander down backstreets. It's frequent and strong. I finally saw a guy blatantly urinating down one of them at about 9 at night. It was a narrow street, but it was still light at that time and people were walking past. I guess they just don't care as much out there. One other thing that nagged at my mind all week and only clicked on my last day was that often Spaniards wander around clapping a rhythm to themselves. They're not singing, but the penny only dropped on the last day that they were clapping a flamenco rhythm. They ranged from young to old. I hadn't realised until then that young people were into it as much as older people. I knew it was a massive part of Spanish heritage, but I didn't know it was popular with both young and old. A useful thing to discover, definitely.
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