Family issues Part 2
My mum has improved enormously since last week but it is obvious at
87 she can't continue to live completely on her own without any
help. Over the last couple of weeks I have been immersed in a
world I had paid little attention to before now. The world of 'the
elderly'. It does make you start thinking about your own
mortality. I visited a care home a couple of years ago to
visit my mother's cousin. The first and everlasting
impression was the smell - urine. I came home and swore to my
husband I was never going to end up in the place like
that. I have since visited two residential homes, one
of which is a couple of minutes walk from my own home. My mum
could live in her own self-contained flat with wonderful views
over our farm and have as much, or as little involvement in
the 'home' as she wanted. She would have lots of opportunity
for chat to other like minded residents and have lunch served up in
what I can only describe as a posh restaurant! It is very expensive
and although my Mum is not rich, she's not poor either. She
could afford it if she sold her bungalow and I could see her every
day. However she is reluctant as she has friends in the
village where she lives (an hour's drive from me). I am
feeling guilty trying to persuade her to come and live close to me
but her friends are all old and what happens is they fall of their
perches before she does? Anyway, these are all just thoughts
whizzing round and round my head at the moment and keeping me awake
at night but my main reason for this second blog is wondering how
other people, of other ages feel about this:
My husband and I are both adamant we don't want to be living in a care home, incontinent, with our marble jar half empty being cared for by a load of people who, possibly, don't care at all and as such we have a sort of suicide pact. With some research, my plan is to have a secret stash of suitable pills to be swallowed with a large quantity of something alcoholic and never wake up again, before I get to the point when I am unable to take that action myself. Now, my point is, when I was 20 I thought 50 was old. Now that I am at this great vantage point of 52 I can look back and look forward. 52 seems no great age at all now and just because I am no longer 20 doesn't mean I am not enjoying life to the full, despite not being able to do all the things I did at 20. Does this mean if I'm fortunate enough to get to 80 I will still be glad to be alive, despite not being able to do the things I did when I was 50? Do you get my drift? How does everyone, of different ages feel about old age? For instance, some of the Clouders are are lot younger than me - I wonder how they view old age? Or do they even think about it? Does my idea of suicide sound bizarre and perhaps against some peoples religion?
I have discussed this with my daughter and she laughs and says she will have a big enough house by then to have a granny annexe where she can shut the door on me if I get too annoying! We have told her our plan with the pills and booze and she is not horrified at all. I explained to her that if that time ever came and she had a call to say I/we had done away with ourselves, she was not in any way to blame and it was our choise. She totally agreed that we should have that choice and said she would do same for herself!
Sorry for the ramblings but this is keeping me awake at night!
My husband and I are both adamant we don't want to be living in a care home, incontinent, with our marble jar half empty being cared for by a load of people who, possibly, don't care at all and as such we have a sort of suicide pact. With some research, my plan is to have a secret stash of suitable pills to be swallowed with a large quantity of something alcoholic and never wake up again, before I get to the point when I am unable to take that action myself. Now, my point is, when I was 20 I thought 50 was old. Now that I am at this great vantage point of 52 I can look back and look forward. 52 seems no great age at all now and just because I am no longer 20 doesn't mean I am not enjoying life to the full, despite not being able to do all the things I did at 20. Does this mean if I'm fortunate enough to get to 80 I will still be glad to be alive, despite not being able to do the things I did when I was 50? Do you get my drift? How does everyone, of different ages feel about old age? For instance, some of the Clouders are are lot younger than me - I wonder how they view old age? Or do they even think about it? Does my idea of suicide sound bizarre and perhaps against some peoples religion?
I have discussed this with my daughter and she laughs and says she will have a big enough house by then to have a granny annexe where she can shut the door on me if I get too annoying! We have told her our plan with the pills and booze and she is not horrified at all. I explained to her that if that time ever came and she had a call to say I/we had done away with ourselves, she was not in any way to blame and it was our choise. She totally agreed that we should have that choice and said she would do same for herself!
Sorry for the ramblings but this is keeping me awake at night!
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13 Comments
Suicide is an option for me as I don't really have much of a family left and have thought about it too, but I think I am too much of a coward. Did you find suitable pills? I suppose there are plenty of sites on the 'Internet';
Locally, there are many retirement homes and care homes. It is like everything else, you get what you pay for. I visited one that sounds a bit like the one closeby you. The lady I visited was very elderly, but they had their meals in what looked like a restaurant and had a big sitting room where joint activities could be pursued.
Old people can be very independent though and do want to stay at home as long as possible.
With regard to the pills, I am going to research this thoroughly as I know ordinary sleeping pills and alcohol don't do the job and all too often someone wakes up in A & E having their stomach pumped.
The home next to us is called 'Supported Living' and the flats are beautiful and she can have all her own furniture and bits and pieces. There is a kitchen is she wants to cater for herself. The gardens are beautiful and they grow a lot of their own fruit and veg. I know I will be as stubborn as my mother, as long as I am able because I've always been an independent person and as you say, will want to do so as long as possible!
I don't know if I will have the courage to go through with it but it is something I am giving a great deal of thought. I have had some tough times throughout my life, although I have been lucky and the majority has been wonderful. Even when I went through a particuarly bad time a few years ago I never contemplated suicide as a way out. What I am talking about now is wanting to have the option of ending a life that is spent and not wanting to have that life prolonged unnecessarily. I hope I haven't opened a can of unpleasant worms for any Clouders. If I have, I apologise unreservedly.
Poor you. I dread the day when it comes to a decision like this for my own mum. The elderly do tend to return to becoming the child again - some quicker than others, some with more physical problems than others, but many still more than capable of looking after themselves until they shuffle off this mortal coil. What a dilemma.
I don't think anyone would disagree with your sentiment re: not wanting to be living in a urine-stinking care home being incontinent with no one caring - but surely that is only the very worst-case scenario? It sounds like you have a lovely family - and I am sure they would put as much thought into the decision for you, as you are for your mum.
The move for me would depend on whether she sees her friends - and how often? Is she particularly attached to her home and village, and how practical is her living arrangement? Whilst she is able to look after herself, it is where she has preferred to live after all - she has always had the chance to move closer, so perhaps the big trade-off : giving up her home/friends/independence etc. to be able to see you every day, is one she is at present not willing to make?
I think it is lovely that you are thoughtful enough to be so considerate of your family - re suicide pact - it sounds to me like you are really trying to save them hassle should this be their decision to make for you in future. It seems obvious that when your mum cannot manage anymore, she would thrive better in the home near to you - it sounds idyllic; but a scary thought for an old lady too. Is there no middle ground where she could move and still continue to see her friends? Technology is now such that I can see my friends across continents everyday (skype free) even from my living room.
You asked for views from all ages. I am 37. I have no strong views from a religious or moral stance, but having fought aggressive breast cancer I have a different perspective perhaps. When you have fought for your life and been told you may only have months to live I could never then contemplate taking it. (Ask anyone of any age with secondary cancer what they would rather do.) It makes me weep when I hear or read about people dying who are so desperate to live, to see their children growing up, get married, have babies etc. Seems so unfair to then see others throwing their lives away (whether through drugs or crime or fear of future.) Does old age have to change the view that it is a waste of life to kill yourself? I hope my mum doesn't think so. An interesting subject Karen!
As a wannabe writer, I am fascinated to know how you and your hubby would know exactly when you should do it? What if one of you was ill and the other was loving caring for you and still having a great life? Would you force them to stick to it? Of course I am certain you intend no disrespect to people in homes who are incontinent, but you have to be careful not to sound like such people should stop being selfish and kill themselves before they are not physically capable of suicide!
One other thought stands out: put yourself in your daughter's shoes and think how would you feel if your Mum took her own life because she was fearful of the future and she wanted to be certain you wouldn't leave her incontinent in a care home with no one caring. Perhaps you might feel she hadn't given you the chance to prove your love in caring for her properly?
Sending you a *hug* as you try to make tough love decisions.
XX
My Nana lived with us - my parents and my sister and me - all the time I was growing up. She eventually died, aged 93, after I had married and left home, but being cared for to the end by my mother, her daughter.
About ten years after my dad died, we all agreed it would be sensible for Mum to move in with us. We had a conversion/extension done to provide a granny annexe where she has lived ever since. By the time she got to 91 she was becoming frailer. In her words she felt she 'was done' and just wanted to 'go home to be with her Lord and Saviour.' She has been a great prayer warrior, upholding her friends and many causes in her prayers, and a few years later she felt God telling her that her work in this was not yet finished. As more years passed, while she still wanted to 'go home', she admitted that, as it was getting close, she would quite like to make 100 - but not 101!
Well, it looks like she's going to make it. In exactly two weeks time on the 27th, Mum will celebrate her 100th birthday. Over the last six months or so her mind has been starting to fail. She gets confused about what day it is, where she is living and what meal comes next. She talks about her mother as though she were still alive and asked me this morning where her granddad was. We have to help her do everything, but she is content. We need to keep reminding her of her coming 'special' birthday and we're praying it will be one of her 'good' days; they usually are when there is some special reason. So, while Mum would be very happy to pass on any time after the 27th, she knows that the timing is in God's hands. We all do.
Anita and I are trusting that the family tradition will continue into the next generation and that when one of us is left old and frail, we shall be with one or other of our children. We can't presume upon that, but it is a good hope to sustain us. What we can know with a certainty is that God knows our times and will always provide for our needs - not only now but throughout eternity.
Let us know when she gets her telegram!
Autumn - your honest comments about the aggressive breast cancer you have fought have made me look again at a different angle, thank you.
I guess, in the end, there is no right or wrong way to deal with the situation regarding my Mum, only the way that seems right at the time. She is happy in her own home at the moment and I know she doesn't want to move. We are meeting a lady from a private care agency later in the week to see if she would consider someone popping in each morning to make sure she's ok and help out with any tasks. This is for her peace of mind, to know someone will be in at 9.00 and for mine knowing if anything is amiss I can jump in the car and drive straight over.
Thank you again for your honest and kind thoughts.
Why your 'blog' should have reminded me of this, I do not know! It is my day of work and I cannot do much owing to tendonitus and am fitfully, trying to scan and re-type a novel I wrote decades ago.
When physical or mental pain becomes unbearable? Is that the only time when suicide is an option? I agree with Autumn, that if you have been close to death, you value life more. A friend is about 87 and still very active. Her husband spent the last years of his life in a coma in hospital and she used to visit him every day - even though communication was not possible. She would not have wished him put to sleep. Another colleague at work has a husband that has just had two liver transplants.
Being a loner, one of the enjoyable things in my life, used to be visiting an aunt and uncle who lived not far away - an hour's walk across the woods. Both lived to a very old age (My aunt lived way into her nineties - 98 - I cannot quite recall). They were a very much loved couple and it was only in the last few years of her life, that life become difficult for the aunt. Both refused to go into a home, but I wonder how many visitors they would have had there? I cannot imagine them living anywhere apart from their house and their shelves of books.
It is the books in their house that I remember too. All the books meant something. They were on the shelves for a purpose. I would have loved to write a play about this - even more relevant than when I tried it - a few years after her death. I do not know why Alan Bennett has not done something on this line? It would be a tribute to a bookish generation which has passed away. Novelists were important then and they no longer seem to be so. ( A bit of the track again!)
Perhaps life should be left to run it's own course? People in their eighties can often lead lives that can be rewarding to others. Their memories can be of value too.
Whatever your mum and you decide to do, I wish you the best. I'm sure you will both make the right decisions.
Mike - yes I know the Dutch do things differently to us. I'm not in any way advocating people of a certain age being 'put to sleep', I am only talking from a personal point of view to be allowed the choice when I get to that point. There is the argument that I won't know when I reach that point as I will still be enjoying life in whatever limited capacity I can but I would like the freedom to make that choice.
I agree with you about novelists - our bookshelves are packed with books and each and every one means something to us and says something about our lives!
Recently, about 2 months ago, I found ma in law in the bath one morning. It's a long story but she had been there all night unable to get out. I managed eventually to get her out with the amazing paramedic guys.
We thought that would be the end of her. We were wrong. She is now back at home, living downstairs, and is as happy as Larry. (who is Larry by the way?)
How do we know when the time is upon us? If we had asked her after this incident, she may well have said yes. Now, it is the furthest thing from her mind.
She has cancer too, but is coping.
So maybe, after seeing how she is so determined to continue I am veering to the Dylan Thomas perspective:
Do not go gently into that good night
Old age should burn and rage at close of day
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
I can be swayed however by more convincing arguements.
I am only as good as the last man who got to me!
The pills thing is a safety net if there ever comes a time when everything gets too much and I can see my own life deteriorating to the point of being totally dependent on everyone else but will I have the courage to go through with it? Who knows.
I have considered certain eventualities in a reasonable amount of detail. If or when I become a shell of person unable to contribute anything, require constant care, and, most importantly, am a burden to those around me, then I have no wish to continue that existence.
With no family left alive to consider, have a duty to, or responsibility to, I felt I would be in the fortunate(!) position to take this upon myself. But recent circumstances in my life have changed, and one day I may have a wife who survives me... perhaps even children. That would change everything, and it would be their wishes at a future time that I would want to honour. I could only take my life if it was something that had been fully discussed beforehand with those I love, and that it was certain it would be the best solution for all.
But this merely regarding the question of old age? If there is still the possibility of contributing something positive, then I would want to live on. Writing is the most obvious thing that I can think of that, even if my body surrenders, my mind may still be capable of. If I can still write, then I want to live.
The timing of reading your piece here is very good indeed. Inspired by AlanP’s blog, I am soon to post something that I will hope is positive and perhaps even inspirational to others. I think it is also pertinent to your questions...
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