Fantastic.
Ok. The following blog needs some warnings;
Don’t read it if you are of a delicate disposition, if you are eating or if you are a prude or if you are eating a prude. Wait... no... that’s not right... Anyway perhaps not a prude but maybe someone who thinks self-gratification is not for “water-cooler” moments. I do use bad language and the context is of a sexual nature. Read between the lines there.
So if you are, say, under... oh, I don’t know... 30?... You should not read it. If you are a male over 70 you must not read it as there is a good chance you’ll get ideas and put your back out. The only people I would suggest it is recommended reading for are weak, lonely, easily influenced males with a high susceptibility to subliminal messaging even when the message is blatant and not subliminal. These people should post their names in the comments section and I will duly keep an eye out for them in the tabloids over the weekend.
*** (Line break to signify “last chance to change your mind”) ***
Sooo... how can I put this? Right. Well... So I was in the loo at work the other day where they had just installed a new hand dryer. One of those Dyson Airblades. And I’m thinking to myself... that’s quite a powerful blow it has on it... and... were I to stand on tip-toes... maybe... just maybe...
There is, however, a slight technical issue. See, at first blow the Dyson Airblade begins quite cool. Cold in fact and could quite easily dampen one’s ardour. So a person (person/pervert tom-ai-to/tom-ah-to) would have to start the machine going for a while. And then... well... to be honest the thing gets bloody hot bloody quickly and at the risk of toasting John Thomas it would have to be over well within the British standard (2 minutes 35 seconds. On average. According to an online poll of London prostitutes. As opposed to the 355 minutes 2 seconds of an offshore Pole called Wassili Czecnizski, although I think he was just boasting. Or I made him up. Like I made up the online poll...) otherwise A&E would be a fascinating place to be. If you were anyone but the person that tried to get his jollies from a Dyson Airblade.
Of course, having had this train of thought you can probably see how awkward it was, once I’d washed my hands, to use the bloody thing. I nearly had a panic attack about the noise it was making and the thought that people outside would be counting the seconds it was going; one, two, warming up – ok, three, four, drying hands – ok, five, six, being thorough – okay, seven, eight, what the hell is he doing in there?, nine, ten, oh my god this is disgusting, eleven, twelve, oh, I can ever look him in the eye again...
Later I checked online and the Airblade is only £600 and I figured... with a little bit of adaptation... I reckon I could start a new business. Adaptation would be along the lines of less of a “heating” element and more of a “warming” element and perhaps a deeper trough for those who are well endowed. Well... maybe they (“those-who-are-well-endowed” should never be spoken aloud in the presence of men lest their very souls wither and die or you want to send them whimpering back to the fourteenth level of hell where their arms are tied behind their backs and the only way to get sustenance is to touch a button that is six and a half inches down a tube) wouldn’t perhaps need the assistance of a plastic fantastic fan dance. So fuck ‘em, no, the trough stays as is.
So I’m thinking Spearmint Rhino will want at least half a dozen units per club. So that’s... er at least six then. I may need to do a bit more market research here.
One thing I am sure of; I can’t see me selling any units to Tesco’s...
*** (Line break for the cessation of open-mouthed staring) ***
Told you not to read it.
Ez
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62 Comments
They are lethal!...damn near take your fingers off never mind anything more highly strung and delicate!
I need a lie down!
8-O *stops laughing*
Ez, I can't figure out if you
a) have a very boring job and just want to relieve the tedium
b) have a very 'exciting' job and just want 'relief'
c) don't like your foreskin very much.
and the more I try and figure all this out- the more my mind displays me pictures that I just don't want to see!!!
:))
The question is; did OH concur? :o)
A.) Yes
B.) Yes
C.) Not an issue as am part Jewish and said item is currently sequestered as curtain rings. (We are the only family in our street with bouncy curtains.)
Terribly sorry for the mental image and all that.
You can't sue for emotional scarring... can you...? 8-(
:o)
Well... whatever floats yer boat, Wrath, whatever floats yer boat...
I find it is a distinctly underused term these days.
I know it is a cliché but "Julia swallowed hard before speaking" is such a basket full of fruit; so much depth, so much fragrance, so many levels. It's evocative and delightful and packed full of protein.
It is sad to see the demise of such a wonderful turn of phrase.
Truth is, I have doubts it would be entirely necessary if I were to be selling to lap-dancing clubs.
The DVD option would probably need to be a part of the Tesco's units though, as there is little in such a superstore to garner what one could call "a pre-emptive strike"...
3 ads for hand-dryers!!! Top one:
New Industry Standard! 10 Seconds, Uses 80% Less Energy, Saves 95%
Ooops.
We have the female equivalent in all our public toilets, so it's only fair ;)
And now to further scar people: (seriously - there's things out there some people may not want to know about...)
http://www.cracked.com/article_19060_the-7-most-terrifying-sex-toys-ever-patented.html
http://www.cracked.com/article_16032_25-most-disturbing-sex-toys.html
http://www.cracked.com/article_17372_18-more-worlds-most-disturbing-sex-toys.html
Ahhh, Cracked.com - where would I be if I didn't have you to make a boring afternoon just fly by?! XD
he only needs hissing spiders to complete our "things we don't want on our dick" list.
Actually I am reminded of a story some medical students told to me years ago at uni about a bloke in A&E with JT and the Twins all rammed (sucked I should think) into a vacuum cleaner hose. Quite an image.
Since then I have come to learn that most medical schools have such a story circulating, which lends itself to two propositions that I can think of:
a) It's an urban legend that keeps itself alive because of the nature of male imagination
b) There's a lot more of this sort of thing going on than one might guess.
Hidy ho, off I go to the land of the topaz egg
God, I'm SO disillusioned....
How on earth could anyone confuse it for a hand dryer... oh... wait... yep. :o)
Please enlighten us as to the ladies loo equivalent?
Unless it's a washing machine with a broom handle taped to the top...
How on earth does an innocent and sweet young lady like you know about these things... oh... wait... ROFL
This was just an excerpt from my forthcoming coffee-table book "101 things to do with a spent foreskin" :o)
I wonder if I could get someone to spoof them for Comic "Relief"? (Chortle)
It would have to be a late night spot, though...
And, whilst the Henry hoover is considered the best, the experience is not all it's cracked up to be... I may have said too much already...
I'm just practising my writing skills, that's all. Punctuation, grammar, speling and all that.
As for telling God that you are disillusioned, well I wouldn't bother because... by His very nature... He already knows...
And I do believe I can say, without any contradiction, that I will forever be ingrained in all your hearts and minds, from this day forth shall you never be able to see or hear a Dyson Airblade without thinking of little old me. Is this what fame feels like? I had hoped there would be rather more money in it, to be honest. *Sigh*.
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