How to build a metal shed in 3 easy stages
This is a
factually accurate account of real life
events
How to build a
metal shed in 3 easy stages
Stage 1: Before
Buy a shed of the wrong size.
Scratch head where to put it.
Come up with bright idea.
Don’t realise that ‘bright idea’ is more work than you could possibly imagine and incredibly stupid.
Stage 2: During
Move breeze blocks and dig out earth.
Note a full weekend has gone and you’re 10% complete.
Dig out more earth and keep going.
Say ‘shit’ a lot when earth turns out to be clay.
Discard fossils and skeletons close to the centre of earth
Stage 2a: Still During
On your knees now, digging out clay by the ounce
Site resembles the Somme, casualty figures similar
Really hacked off by now
Put in blocks to retain immovable clay
Put in even more blocks
It’s now the end of the month you said you’d be done by now
Trench foot is diagnosed
Stage 2b: Still Effing During
Another weekend and the last few blocks go in
The earth isn’t even flat
Think about a base
Buy some random stuff, think some more
Jump up and down a lot to smooth out bumps
Start the Red Bull and Ketamine cocktails
Stage 2d: Losing The Plot
You start talking to the clay by now
It starts to answer back
Prepare base
It’ll all be finished on Sunday
Delude yourself you look like Clooney too whilst you’re about it – you might as well
Stage 2e: Construction Phase
It’s Sunday and the chimes of noon ring out
Instructions say if you start you must finish
You start…fools
Floppy walls go up, breeze turns into a wind
One trillion screws later, it’s 5pm, dark and 30% complete
The moon looks lovely beyond the glow of your headlamp
2130 and you’ve missed the start of Downton Abbey
Lavinia succumbs to Spanish flu – you’d swap right now
Stage 2f: Shed Project Terminator
The roof goes on, the doors follow, owls hoot
The doors have to come off again, then go back in
Repeat for an hour or so swapping components to taste
1130pm finish – hooray (badgers drum their claws)
You now have a perfect shed, in completely the wrong place
Stage 3: After
You move shed to right place – and get a hernia
It’ll never finish
Scarred for life
You offer to help a neighbour with a greenhouse project
You are sectioned under the Mental Health Act 1951
What next?
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19 Comments
'A SHED is a unit of nuclear cross section equal to 10 to the minus 52 square metres which is much smaller that a BARN which has the immense nuclear cross section size of 10 to the minus 28 square metres'
Anyway that's what Mr. Thesaurus says!
Stephen - a soundtrack song? Hmmm. 'Chasing Rainbows' by Shed 7 seems appropriate.
Mac - you do patios? I'm in awe.
Weens - this is the sequel! Last year it was the greenhouse project - lots of it trying to get the glass in. I must write more and stop myself from these really dim tasks.
Tony - I'm a trier, but I should know better.
Alien - Thanks for the info, not quite sure how to slip it into the conversation but I'll try. A metal shed is doubly annoying, had it been wood I could at least have burnt it to the ground in a fit of pique.
Weens did ask for a sequel - blame her! hehe... 8]
I put the chicken shed up single-handed. Did I mention single-handed? 'Align long wall with cross wall, keeping both square on the base, then with your third hand, bash a nail in somewhere. Oh, the hammer's over there. And the nail dropped out. Crash. Start again.
I did my back in. How's yours?
I always suspected you were three handed Whisks - *need a 'I'm not worthy' emoticon*
My back's OK, despite waving a clenched fist at the sky ;-)
Did you take yoga classes for chicken shed construction?
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