How to Fix a Laptop With a Meat Cleaver
I've had this bulky old Dell laptop for about 8 or 9 years.
It has not been so healthy in the last couple, and I've been doing
all sorts of things to keep it alive. The battery lasts about
40 seconds if you don't have it plugged in permanently.
During the last year, overheating has been the ongoing issue. Right in the middle of a particularly lengthy Word Cloud post, or having got completely carried away and written umpteen new pages of one of our books without stopping to think about saving, the little b'stard would just turn itself off without warning. All work lost. Expletives too shocking to repeat here.
The laptop is an essential part of our lives. We both write: that's enough to classify it as such. But we also use it as our only Hi-fi, DVD-player, TV screen and slave it to countless other tasks over and above what one might obviously do with such a machine.
I've stripped out the laptop and removed a device called the heat synch many times. Quite often, this bit accumulates dust, and just needs a good blow out to continue working efficiently. It also helps to remove dead moths that have inexplicably found their way in through holes not even big enough for fire ants.
It was time for more drastic action. Not quite ready to give up on the beast and buy a new one, I reasoned that it didn't have to look pretty anymore, and opted to cut vents in the casing. My first choice of tool - from a very limited range - was a Stanley knife. Progress wasn't great; when I shattered the blade a fourth time, it was time for a meatier weapon.
The meat cleaver went through the casing like a meat cleaver through a laptop casing. I haven't had so much Darwin-Award-Contender fun since me and Si Baker turned a can of furniture polish into a flamethrower, with the bonus practical upshot of turning his kitchen floor into the best skid patch in history.
The extra-vented laptop is now up on four equally fat books to allow better airflow underneath. One is Wilbur Smith's The Seventh Scroll - points up for grabs to anyone who can guess the other three.
So far, so good. But if you hear a yelp, screams, pottymouthspeak and the sound of hair being torn from scalps, you know that my cunning plan has not been so cunning after all.
During the last year, overheating has been the ongoing issue. Right in the middle of a particularly lengthy Word Cloud post, or having got completely carried away and written umpteen new pages of one of our books without stopping to think about saving, the little b'stard would just turn itself off without warning. All work lost. Expletives too shocking to repeat here.
The laptop is an essential part of our lives. We both write: that's enough to classify it as such. But we also use it as our only Hi-fi, DVD-player, TV screen and slave it to countless other tasks over and above what one might obviously do with such a machine.
I've stripped out the laptop and removed a device called the heat synch many times. Quite often, this bit accumulates dust, and just needs a good blow out to continue working efficiently. It also helps to remove dead moths that have inexplicably found their way in through holes not even big enough for fire ants.
It was time for more drastic action. Not quite ready to give up on the beast and buy a new one, I reasoned that it didn't have to look pretty anymore, and opted to cut vents in the casing. My first choice of tool - from a very limited range - was a Stanley knife. Progress wasn't great; when I shattered the blade a fourth time, it was time for a meatier weapon.
The meat cleaver went through the casing like a meat cleaver through a laptop casing. I haven't had so much Darwin-Award-Contender fun since me and Si Baker turned a can of furniture polish into a flamethrower, with the bonus practical upshot of turning his kitchen floor into the best skid patch in history.
The extra-vented laptop is now up on four equally fat books to allow better airflow underneath. One is Wilbur Smith's The Seventh Scroll - points up for grabs to anyone who can guess the other three.
So far, so good. But if you hear a yelp, screams, pottymouthspeak and the sound of hair being torn from scalps, you know that my cunning plan has not been so cunning after all.
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21 Comments
My bf decided that when something sticky was under the spacebar (I really do not know how) then it was time for a new one. After having it approx. 3 months.
Grr! x
I don't think I've ever had a new computer, always inherit from a buddy who's a computer boffin and buys the latest thing on the market. Though, when I get her computers they've been very well used.
I'm very attatched to my dear old tempremental laptop. I think the only thing holding it together these days are the cartoon stickers I've plastered all over it's scars and wounds.
It clicks and whines and talks to itself. Sometimes it makes little groaning sounds and once in a while it puts in arbitrary symbols and letters when I'm trying to write, but I welcome the input. Every little bit helps.
No meat cleaver for this baby.
Despite being a "computer boffin" I've never been addicted to getting the latest kit. I tend to keep one until it either fails or it just gets so slow that even if I rebuild it, it doesn't help. It happens as the software just gets more and more demanding. Then I get irritated. I've never had a Dell fail, although MrsPs Sony failed twice with full data loss (do your back ups folks, there is a reason) and we had a scare with my daughter's HP, although I managed to fix that.
In fact I have concluded that the PC is a crime on western civilisation. They go over a million times faster than a PC from the 1980s and have massive disks and memory by comparison. It is easier now to use and has a graphic user interface and all that, but in general the PC doesn't do much more, fundamentally, than those early machines did. Yet despite all that power it takes my laptop longer to start now than it took a PC back in the 80s. Maybe I should take a meat cleaver to it. Where do you cut?
Sticky spacebar is terminal... definitely requires a new machine. I am willing to take that dead one off your hands... oh... I see Blade has beaten me to it.
"Fan normally in Turbo mode," and "chucks out enough heat to keep the room warm in winter" - out-loud laughs and a knowing nod your way, Alan. The fan makes more noise than Concord landing in a field of firecrackers and yet the blimmin' thing still can't stay chilled.
It has been a fair while since I decided that no new Microsoft OS or software will be adding anything that useful, so the answer for me is to run XP, or better still Win '95, even on a brand-spanking-new machine. Zippy quick. No huge crashes. Easy life. And best of all, the satisfaction of two fingers up to Microshaft 'cause I'm not forking out for pointless, bloated software that hasn't moved on one iota. It's just a monopolistic domination of the market to rake in cash for nothing - make memory-hungry software that requires faster machines JUST to keep us buying new computers and the latest stuff to go on it. Totally in agreement with your viewpoint, Alan.
I chopped through the label that specifically said, "Absolutely don't take a meat cleaver to this bit."
When my mum came to visit for the first time, I was showing her round my flat. I said "That's my bedroom," pointing at door, "and that's Compy's room."
She said "Who's Compy?"
I showed her my computer desk and pointed to the hard drive underneath. "That's Compy!"
She said "Oh, I see. Why is your computer wearing sunglasses?"
Good question. I thought he'd just took a liking to them, but after reading the above, I figure maybe it's his way of keeping cool!
Some top IT tips for everyone - all free:
Firefox over MS Internet Explorer, especially for The Word Cloud. Also spellchecks if you download a dictionary;
BitDefender (even just the free for a year version) is the best anti-virus software, and I've trialled 'em all;
Shareaza for those into file sharing;
VLC media player will run just about any film file you throw at it.
Hmmm - may do a separate blog for all the writer-specific tips...
I use Firefox, but also have Google Chrome as a backup for the rare occasions when Fiefox craps out.
Wrath - last year my laptop got the trickiest virus I've ever heard of - a morphing trojan/worm able to hide in the registry, attach to legitimate files and propagate instantly onto any usb key/mobile hard drive etc. Norton, McAfee and all the big names didn't even register it. BitDefender was the only software that could identify, pinpoint it, and have a go at getting rid of it, although it took two months of support desk head scratching and manual deleting to be totally rid of it as it reared its ugly head every time I plugged in a stick I hadn't yet wiped it from. Other than that, Kaspersky, AVG and CA were generally okay, but most of the others were intrusive (like a virus themselves, ironically) and or unnecessarily chewed up machine speed/start-up etc, when not even being run. I've never tried any of the corp versions myself, but I've tested IT mates' corporate machines to prove the point - BitDefender sometimes picks up stuff (occasionally serious) that expensive company antivirus simply misses. Plus zero machine lag and total easy control of every aspect including deep scans.
And no, I don't work for BitDefender.
I recommend you use Linux; loads faster and you don't have to worry about viruses (though it is always best to have a firewall). I've got Mandriva on my desktop and am really pleased with it. The range and quality of free software is amazing and you get full free support from the community forums if you have any questions. If you really don't want to move away from Windows, and don't want to pay a subscription for anti-virus software, I recommend Avast. There are probably other good ones out there, but Avast is highly-thought of and in my experience, excellent.
& I actually bought a years of AVG because I think it's brilliant. McAffee and Kaspersky SUCK. They slowed my system down and never found a dammned thing, so I wiped my comp, started again and bought AVG. Since then it's found shi*tloads of viruses and such.
I suppose virus protection etc is very personal to your comp :) x
Open Office for writing with, 'cos Bill Gates is having a laugh with the price of MS Office.
Avast for anti-virus, it's free. 7 years I've been running it on every machine I build and no complaints yet. Always use a firewall, preferably on your router. Always back up your files and KEEP THAT BACKUP OFF-SITE. No point in a back-up if it's next to your PC when the PSU throws a wobbler and decides to self-combust. Trust me, this is the big one, I was in server systems management for years for a major multi-national and I tell you that this is the one that will bring tears to peoples eyes.
I've been in IT for half my life and I'll never buy bleeding edge unless it's for a necessary business solution. Always take one step back from leading tech and you'll save yourself a packet and gain a system that will outlast cheaper solutions. I preach a shelf life of 3 to 4 years for a PC and yet will frequently run them until they're just too slow, like the one in my living room that the kids use, 8 years old and just about to get replaced now with a media centre that I'm speccing at the mo.
As for keeping my laptop cool. I bought some feet that stick on the bottom. They really do the trick, and slant the keyboard which makes it easier to type.
I agree that Linux is excellent, but you have to know what you are doing to some extent, make some sacrifices and set aside a lot of time to get to grips with it.
Quick tips for speeding up your Windows machine:
Make sure you don't have two different antivirus software packages installed (they usually conflict)
Run Windows Scan Disk at least once a month
- Most importantly, delete all temporary internet files (not cookies)
- Delete other temporary files
- But don't let it archive old files
Try and refrain from maxing out your hard drive - leave at least about 10% space
(I've never noticed much difference running a defrag - maybe once a year, tops)
Keep your desktop reasonably clear - especially of applications
Don't use Vista - haha.
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