The Word Cloud

If I had a hammer… I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with it. Seriously; I’m sitting here in the sun… er… job hunting… and EzBird wants me to do some kind of manual labour thing. Has she no sense?! These fingers should be insured. For gazillions. They are the tools of my trade; hell they are my trade, my art, my craft. Without these fat little sausage blobs, I would be destitute. A hammer? A bloody hammer?! That conjures up images of far too many comic fails; a thumb in-situ, an “I’ll nod my head, you hit it” farce or worse; a blister!

Chuff me, the things I have to put up with. Did JK have to put up with this shit when she was singing about Virtual Insanity? Or writing about a bunch of children running around waving sticks and cursing expel-your-anus? Well? No. I didn’t fricken think so.

I have to admit, on things DIY, I’m more of a DDIYYTYOFIUATHTPSETPIR man meself. Don’t Do It Yerself Y’Twat You’ll Only Fuck It Up And Then Have To Pay Someone Else To Put It Right.

EzBird knows this. Personally I think she is still smarting because EzPop once introduced me as a glorified typist and spent an embarrassing second or twenty staring at her before finally giving in with a “what is it you do, dear?” The answer is “fuck all” by the way… maybe I should quantify that…; she is a lady of leisure. As opposed to a lady of pleasure… if you get my drift.

So what the fuck am I supposed to do with this ugly lump of wood with the bloody great lump on the end? I decide the best thing is not to chance a major injury and tap gently, y’know, to bed it in properly before giving it a damn good banging; only trouble is when you’re just close you tend to shut your eyes tight shut and then you miss the opening and ram the damn thing into bone and then you’ve got to fiddle around with numb fingers trying to get it all set up again and she’s off on one about making a meal of it and I’m yelling at her that if she could just hold bloody still for a fricken minute it would all be over and done with and she can go back to reading her book and I can get back to putting that fucking picture up…

I don’t really do DIY. It’s too bloody messy.

Ez