long lost brother.
Thirteen years ago, my brother decided to divorce his family, for a
reason that is/was unknown to all of us. We know that it was
instigated by his 'nutty' wife, who threw my parents out of the
home thay they had bought for them, and told them never to come
back. They had two children, so my parents have two grandchildren
and I have a neice and nephew that we have never met. He has robbed
both us and them of an extended family and a close
relationship.
This week, my great uncle, who was 94, died. My parents and my other brother went to the funeral. Nigel (the brother who divorced us) was there. My mum, who has been the worst affected in all this, opened her arms and they apparently hugged and cried. My dad said 'what is past is past' and then they hugged and cried. I called him many times to try and resolve what ever the issue was, but with little success. To cut a long story short, he did the dirty on me over some family money, so I stopped contacting him. My parents asked him to come up for dinner on Wednesday night, and apparently things went very well. He said he would call me, which he hasn't as yet, and try and explain things to the children in preparation of meeting them.
Those of you that know me, know how much I dote on my other nephew. I'm never going to be able to have that kind of relationship with them, but I'll be pleased to have ANY kind of relationship with them. So it would appear he has come back to the family. Here lies my quandry. I still love him, I always have and always will, he's my brother, but I'm finding it very hard to let go of the resentment I feel for him. Mainly because of all the pain he has caused my parents. My mum cried over him every day and would say things like, 'I'll never see him again before I die'. My other brother and I were the ones left to deal with all the repurcussions of his actions. I'm sure with time I will start to trust him again, but at the moment I feel very wary of him and full of resentment. I'll just bite my tongue and see how things pan out. Families, who'd have 'em!
This week, my great uncle, who was 94, died. My parents and my other brother went to the funeral. Nigel (the brother who divorced us) was there. My mum, who has been the worst affected in all this, opened her arms and they apparently hugged and cried. My dad said 'what is past is past' and then they hugged and cried. I called him many times to try and resolve what ever the issue was, but with little success. To cut a long story short, he did the dirty on me over some family money, so I stopped contacting him. My parents asked him to come up for dinner on Wednesday night, and apparently things went very well. He said he would call me, which he hasn't as yet, and try and explain things to the children in preparation of meeting them.
Those of you that know me, know how much I dote on my other nephew. I'm never going to be able to have that kind of relationship with them, but I'll be pleased to have ANY kind of relationship with them. So it would appear he has come back to the family. Here lies my quandry. I still love him, I always have and always will, he's my brother, but I'm finding it very hard to let go of the resentment I feel for him. Mainly because of all the pain he has caused my parents. My mum cried over him every day and would say things like, 'I'll never see him again before I die'. My other brother and I were the ones left to deal with all the repurcussions of his actions. I'm sure with time I will start to trust him again, but at the moment I feel very wary of him and full of resentment. I'll just bite my tongue and see how things pan out. Families, who'd have 'em!
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18 Comments
God's word teaches us to forgive and however hard and seemingly unjustified, that should always be our aim. True forgiveness is not something that the wrongdoer must ask for. It is something offered, not sought. It comes from a renewal of attitude in the victim that removes the bitterness that can only damage and destroy and replaces it with a positive emotion that builds and restores. It is primarily for the good of the victim. If received, it will benefit the wrondoer as well and may lead to reconcilliation. If it doesn't, because the wrongdoer is not really repentant and not truely seeking a restoration, the victim is still so much better off no longer having to live with bitterness and resentment. And hopefully the end result of the victim's change of heart will eventually engender in the wrongdoer a true repentance and a grateful receiving of the forgiveness freely offered.
Trust is something else. Forgiveness and a restored relationship brings love and affection and friendship, but trust has to be earned. That can only come with time. It can't be demanded, or expected, as part of the 'forgiveness package'. The forgiveness is (or should be) unconditional, but trust must be built up again through shared experience over a period. Hopefully that, too, will come eventually.
Like I wrote, easily said; not so easy to live out. I do wish you well, Weens, in however you decide to proceed and hope in time for the best possible outcome.
But family is family I suppose. My sister and I clash on so many things. She's 21 yet gets a helluva lot more emotional support etc than I do (i'm not bitter.) purely because of her "issues" - of which I am very sympathetic to.
So it seems you will never get your own way, but give yourself time and eventually I suspect you will know in your heart of hearts what you want to do.
Good luck x
The resentment you feel might always bubble up even years down the line after small or silly arguments. Forgiveness is something I feel you can't take back, once you forgive you have to forget and it is good how the two come hand in hand, it makes it easier. There might always be that niggle deep down, but a relationship with the kids is something you will have for ever from the forgiveness point and thats got to be the best thing.
If your mum has managed to, then maybe you should follow her. This is very hard and I wish you the best with it all.
Gels x
I've little doubt the give in your for"give"ness will be forthcoming... whether you want to or not! I've never met you, but it feels like it is your nature. Regarding the trust, that's a time thing, and Tony wrote that bit perfectly, so I won't repeat.
My word, it has been a long-lost brother and mother week.
So the prodigal son has returned, eh? I'm sure there's a lot you have to sort out between you, but it might be easier if you deal with each "issue" separately until you don't care about them any more (which can actually happen!). Small steps. Would your parents rather have him in their lives or out of it? Is it better for you? The answers may not be the same, which is why I'm suggesting you take each decision separately and deal with what you can stomach, only as and when. I hope nobody's suggesting you throw a party for him immediately, but if your parents want to? That's for them to decide. You can go or not.
You clearly have a lot churning up about the whole thing. Can you tackle it bit by bit? Do only what you feel able at first, and progress to greater things as and when you feel you can.
The one thing I'll say, is that truly listening to someone else's story can throw a different light on things, things you never realised before. What's that they say about walking a mile in another man's shoes? Of course, it would be nice if he walked a mile in your shoes too, but you have no power to bring that about. You can only change yourself, and if you do, other people are forced to change around you.
But you sound very hurt, which needs to be recognised too. So take a cricket bat to him and make yourself feel better. Why not? You'll probably have to deal with the consequences, but provided he's still breathing, he'll get over it.
Go girl! Just don't tie yourself in knots; they can be an awful pain to untie. Or sleep through the first meeting. Works for me every time.
Whatever you do, I'm with you in spirit.
I feel you are better off with a family than without one and you just have to live with the difficulties.
I suppose the best thing is to just live in the moment and try not to brood about the past too much.
Take care of yourself.
I admire most of all what you gave emotionally more than materially. The trouble is that, when we do as much as you did, it would be nice to be at the epicentre still when the positive happens, but it doesn’t always pen out that way. It is only natural to feel resentful. In a way it is probably better that the healing starts to happen away from you. Your brother will probably feel stronger knowing that he came back to your parents himself. But you know what? We all know that your persistent prayers (if you do) and cajoling had a lot to do with the outcome. You have been the enabler in all this and I have a feeling that he will thank you one day. You did not accept the break up and let him go. Instead you kept reminding him that he had a family that loves him. You kept the banner of hope alight for 13 years!
Where I come from we have a saying that ‘Sometimes you just have to click the fingers under your arm’. This applies mainly to situations when you have been trying all tricks in the book to bring together two people that you know would get along. When they eventually realise that they like each other, you rejoice privately, when they announce their engagement, you whisper a big ‘YES’ and click your fingers where no body will notice – under your arm. On the other hand, if you say it loud, and they acknowledge aloud, the first thing that goes wrong, will be your fault for brining them together! Hope you get the joke Joke!
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