More of my first submission...

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Published by: Cazza on 24th Jan 2010 | View all blogs by Cazza

I know this might be confusing, because this part is the beginning, and the first bit was chapter two or maybe three- that's just the way I write.

As a teenager, Tracey thought she’d suffered traumas, typical teenage stuff: being dumped by some spotty drummer in a school band, bad home hair-dye jobs, not having the latest fashion for a night out with the girls, but in reality her life had been near perfect up until two weeks ago. It was only then she realised what a death could do to you and only now discovered there was nothing she could do about it. All her choices had been taken.

The crematorium was fairly new, bright and clean – no dark stone corners where cobwebs and dust might lurk. The service, non denominational. He spoke of a brief life of love and laughter, a life of innocence and light, surrounded by family.

Tracey’s mother and father sat either side of her. Their presence like a wall, supposedly there to keep her up, but it was so oppressive she could barely carry the weight of it. Her dad, stoic, jaw clenched, eyes fixed forward. Her mum, wet faced, exhausted, shaken to the core.

You don’t expect to bury your child, but less expected is that you bury your grandchild.

When the final music started up, Tracey felt her mum begin to shake next to her. She couldn’t help her, she, herself, couldn’t move for fear she let loose her own emotions. The curtains closed and the tiny white coffin disappeared. Tracey’s head burned, she had a fever in her that could melt a glacier. It had started with a red spot at her left temple and grown to a boiling, spitting cauldron of hate and revenge that tensed her muscles, ground her teeth and mashed her aching fists into so many inanimate objects she had the hands of a street fighter.

‘Let this be over soon.’ she screamed inside.

The music was drifting in and out of her senses. Had she chosen it? She couldn’t remember being asked. She gripped the back of the pew in front of her and bowed her head. ‘You were my home, Carla. My place of refuge. My darling Babygirl. I’ll keep you in my heart, my head, my mouth, nose, and ears - you will be here with me forever, I’ll keep you safe from now on.’ Tracey mouthed the words as snot and tears dripped off the end of her nose, she repeated them over and over until her dad took her hand and told her they had to leave the crematorium.

Comments

13 Comments

by Eshka 2 years ago

Cazza. Wow. This is seriously heartwrenching. Your writing is so clear, and here that clarity is a double edged sword - the images are so vivid, the atmosphere so raw, you're fighting yourself to get away from it but you just can't stop reading. I'm actually quite lost for words. I love the ending to it - with Tracey's dad taking her hand and leading her from the crematorium - it's so poignant as it illustrates Tracey as almost reverting back to a child herself. So cleverly written. You should congratulate yourself on this, I think it's simply brilliant, and I mean that in the sense of both words: simple and brilliant in it's simplicity.
by cdm 2 years ago

I'm with Eshka. I couldn't stop reading, and the writing really created the scene before me, almost as though I was part of it. I thought it was amazing, Cazza, and was quite frustrated that there wasn't more for me to read.
by Cazza 2 years ago

I don't know what to say. Thanks guys (blushes).

I'm thrilled you both like it. I thought both pieces would be torn apart because I know my grammar and structure etc aren't brilliant, I sometimes wander between tenses and change POV at the drop of a hat.

Thanks again.
by kaz 2 years ago

Cazza, totally brilliant and gave me goosebumps. I thought this was really well written. More please!
by Tony 2 years ago

Good stuff, Cazza. Here are just a few points you might consider re-working:
I'd leave out 'only now' in the penultimate sntence of the first para. What do you think?
Non-denominational has a hyphen.
'Their presence like a wall, supposedly there to keep her up, but it was so oppressive she could barely carry the weight of it' needs to read either
Their presence WAS like a wall, supposedly there to keep her up, but it was so oppressive she could barely carry the weight of it' OR 'Their presence like a wall, supposedly there to keep her up, was so oppressive she could barely carry the weight of it.'
'You don’t expect to bury your child, but less expected is that you bury your grandchild.' This is where you hit your readers with the unexpected blow. It's good, but the phrasing of the second half reads a little awkwardly. I think it would be worth trying to work on that. You could try, simply: 'You don’t expect to bury your child, still less your grandchild'.
'She couldn’t help her, she, herself, couldn’t move for fear she let loose her own emotions.' A full stop after help her, or a semi-colon would do.
'...and mashed her aching fists into so many inanimate objects she had the hands of a street fighter' The sentence that ends with this is powerfully emotional - up to this point. It's not completely clear what the last phrase is saying. I'm sure you could improve upon it. I feel it spoils the intensity of the first part, as it reads at the moment.
'I’ll keep you in my heart, my head, my mouth, nose, and ears' Do you think it might read better with 'my nose and my ears'?
'she repeated them over and over until her dad took her hand and told her they had to leave the crematorium' We have a changed POV here. You'd be better to say: 'she repeated them over and over until she felt her dad take her hand and heard his voice saying they had to leave the crematorium.'
I hope some of these suggestions will be useful. Write on Cazza.
PS. It's much better to post work for critiquing on the Forum - Critiques - general. It is possible to use bold, italics and crossings-out when replying, which makes it easier. :-)
by Cazza 2 years ago

Thank you Tony, this is exactly what I need - like I said I'm not good at the mechanics of writing. I'll make the changes and start posting further submissions on the Critiques - general board.

I'm really excited about this ms. Scenes just keep jumping into my head :o)
by Chanty 2 years ago

This was fantastic - really heart breaking. It brought back some painful memories for me. A young friend of mine was killed in a car crash - she was a reckless driver and many a day or night, I'd stagger out of the car and practically kiss the earth - for still being alive. But regardless of that, she was only 22 and so young, with a bright future ahead of her. He were having a terrible fight at the time - the news was a terrible shock and I was so very guilty about our stupid fight for a long time. Later thinking about it, it could have been me with her in the car, had we not been fighting at the time - we would have gone cluding together. Funny life, someone was certainly watching over me. I'll never forget how small her coffin was, also white - such a waste of life.
by Cazza 2 years ago

I want to thank everyone who's commented on my work recently. I had got to the stage where I didn't know whether I should bother or not.

Thanks for the confidence boost - I really needed it.
by Eshka 2 years ago

I'm glad everyone's words have helped Cazza, I really think you must keep going with this. And when it's finished and published, I want it!
by Cazza 2 years ago

Fingers crossed Eshka - for all of us. xxx
by maryluv 2 years ago

Great scene setting. Very evocative and dramatic. I'm intrigued to see how it will fit with the later piece. How much more have you written? I'd love to read some of it.
by Cazza 2 years ago

Thanks Maryluv, I've not got much more written, most of it's just bouncing round my head still. I've started the wake scene - that's usually how I write - in scene's. I have the whole story mapped out in my head and the most important scenes form themselves, not in any order, I write them and link them later.

It looks like I've got another weekend to myself, so I'll be able to get some more done then and post some more.

Thanks again for your comments.
by Eshka 2 years ago

I'll also be looking out for this Cazza :)