My first submission for your perusal.

Need more help?

Get feedback on your writing.
Get assistance with finding literary agents.
Get help writing for children.
Sign up for one of our online creative writing courses
Get free advice on How to Write a Book.
Find out How To Get Published.
Explore the best book on Getting Published.
Don't miss our Festival of Writing.
If you're still stuck, then contact us.

The Writers' Workshop is run by writers for writers. We're here to help.

Published by: Cazza on 22nd Jan 2010 | View all blogs by Cazza

I’d appreciate your comments on this little snippet – be gentle I’m a cloud virgin :o)

The tidiness of the room was to be expected, she’d seen how he worked after all, but Tracey never imagined it to be so feminine. The flowers on the bedside table; the silver framed photograph of a little boy – a nephew, a son even, she didn’t know. The floral wallpaper that screamed ‘old woman’. Maybe his mother had decorated, maybe this was Philip’s idea of how a bedroom should be, and maybe she should just take off the rest of her clothes and get into bed beside him.

She pulled back the embroidered duvet cover, slid in and shivered against the chill of the fresh cotton sheets. Philip pulled her close to the heat of his chest and she filled her nose with the smell of him: sugar and confectioner’s cream and a warm sweetness that fuelled her need to explore the body of the least hirsute man she’d ever shared a bed with. Gently she pushed him, forcing him to turn over so she could cuddle into his back. It was huge: a vast wall of white flesh with well defined folds either side to slide her bony fingers.

Suddenly hot, she threw back the covers, moving him on to his back so she could take in his XXL frame. He shifted awkwardly on the bed, trying to hide the body he hated, scrabbling for the sheet to cover his embarrassment, but Tracey climbed on top of him, placed his hands around her waist and luxuriated in the feeling of smallness they gave her.

‘You’re so tiny’ he said, staring at the oversized, podgy fingers that spanned her stomach. ‘I’m scared I’ll break you.’

They both laughed, but he knew how fragile she was, he’d seen the pall descend.

Tracey didn’t reply, instead she rested her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat.

Comments

13 Comments

by Chanty 2 years ago

Wow, this is interesting... cloud virgin.... hee he. Where's this from? All questions buzzing about in my head..
by Cazza 2 years ago

Hi Chanty, It's actually still forming in my head, and this is the first part I've put on paper. It's not the beginning though. It's about a relationship between two people and how she uses him to hide behind both physically and mentally loads more to it than that though.
by Chanty 2 years ago

Hmm, sounds interesting. Do that perhaps use each other?
by Cazza 2 years ago

Sort of... he's more the innocent victim, but she's not deliberately using him, he's filling a gaping hole in her too.

Now I've actually started it I want to get home and write some more. I hate having to work for aliving!
by Aonghus Fallon 2 years ago

Liked this a lot. There's a nice element of ambivalence about it that catches the reader off balance. How are we supposed to feel about a woman who wants to go to bed with a really fat man? The decor was a good touch. It made me a bit uneasy, which I reckon - in the context of the overall piece - was a good thing.
by Eshka 2 years ago

Very interesting Cazza. Please miss, can I have some more?
by Aitch 2 years ago

Indeed agree with everyone, very interesting. He really does need to do something about the decorating and maybe hit the gym?? ;) xx
by Weens 2 years ago

Mmmm, very interesting. You capture your reader early and your descriptions paint a clear picture. I was a bit thrown when you changed POV to the man, but that was only momentary. Personally, I prefer the POV to stay with one character in the same scene, but don't let that put you off from writing in third person omniscience. You have left me wanting more.
by norman normington 2 years ago

interesting from many angles! Like the idea of the big overweight guy scoring, like the concept, us 'biggies' do tend to hide behind our bulk, it could be his way of dealing with a horrible world and colleagues at the sweet factory where he works?
by kd 2 years ago

I liked it! It's thoughtful and original and it makes me want to know more! The only thing I would change is 'filled her nose with the smell of him.' 'Breathed in the smell of him' would probably work better. Filling ones nose with anything is hardly ever pleasant....:)
by Cazza 2 years ago

Thanks for your comments everyone. Weens, I hadn't noticed I'd changed POV until you pointed it out - I''ll sort it. That's the thing with your own work, you know what you're talking about!

Anyway, I've got a few days without my gorgeous husband so I plan to get some work done on this. The above, is probably about two chapters in, but it kept going round in my head so I wrote it up.
by Caducean Whisks 2 years ago

Well written, spare and activewith much movement. Easy to read, flowed well. Well done.
by maryluv 2 years ago

Just found this! Really interesting material - off to read more.