please read the beginning of my children's story and tell me what you think :D
Jo could not believe that she had forgotten the one thing she did every single day, the one thing that was incredibly important. As she ran down the street her face burned bright red. She skidded to a sudden stop in front of the primary school gates.
“Oh Tommy... I am so sorry Tommy,” exclaimed a breathless Jo.
“Where were you!” demanded a very grumpy Tommy, “Everybody else has gone!”
“I am so sorry Tommy; I don’t know why I forgot today. It won’t happen again I promise.”
“Cross your heart!” demanded Tommy.
“Ok I cross my heart it won’t happen again I swear. How about we stop off at the shop on the way home and I’ll treat you to a sweet.” Slowly Tommy’s frown turned in to a toothy cheeky smile.
Relieved at her little brother’s forgiveness Jo took a hold of his hand and walked him to the shop. As they were walking along Jo was feeling a small sense of joy for that short period of time, she had so much to worry about these days; school, Tommy, cooking, cleaning and mum. She was not surprised she had forgotten Tommy.
As they walked home from the shop eating their sweets Jo was wondering how their mum was today and hoping they would not find her somewhere passed out when they got back. Reluctantly Jo put her key in the rickety front door and turned it slowly.
“Mum we’re back,” She shouted.
“Mummy mummy guess what I did today!” hollered Tommy.
Jo checked the downstairs but she couldn’t see her mum anywhere a panic started to slowly arise inside her. She raced up the stairs as brother slowly followed her up still calling out for their mum. Jo went to check Tommy’s room first. She slowly pushed the door open and peered inside. Inside there was evidence that there mum had been doing laundry. Jo hesitantly stepped in the room and toward the bed. She could just see her mums limp foot lying on the floor.
“Tommy! Tommy! Go in the fridge and get mums’ medicine and then phone the ambulance you know what to say. And hurry I don’t know how long she’s been here.” Jo put her mum in the recovery position as a frightened Tommy did as he was told he still couldn’t get used to seeing his mum like this.
He raced down the stairs and quickly found his mums medicine in the fridge. He ran back to his bedroom picking up the phone as he passed. He handed Jo the medicine and with trembling fingers dialled 999.
“Which emergency service do you require?”
“Ambulance please,” requested a frightened Tommy.
“Hello Plymouth ambulance service.”
“Hi its’ my mummy, she’s diabetic, she’s not awake.”
Whilst her brother was on the phone Jo gave her mum the medicine she desperately needed.
Jo and Tommy sat beside their mum whilst they waited desperately for the ambulance to arrive. Jo could never show any worry about what happened to their mum as she was afraid she would frighten Tommy, he was already weeping silently snuggled up against her.
“Hello,” called a male voice.
“We’re up here!” Jo shouted down.
The next thing they saw was a friendly faced paramedic carrying a bag.
“Alright there love? Can you hear me? Can you tell me your name?”
“Her names Trudy, she’s diabetic, I gave her her glucose gel but I don’t know how long she has been here like this. I’m so stupid if I hadn’t forgotten Tommy we wouldn’t have had to go to the shop and we would have been here sooner and maybe she wouldn’t have been like this.” Jo blabbed out.
“It’s alright love, it’s not your fault your mum will be ok. We just need to get her up to the hospital do you two fancy a ride in an ambulance?”
“Ooo yes please!” squealed an excited Tommy, who was now unaware of how ill their mum was.
Their mum still hadn’t woken up during the ride to the hospital. When they had arrived at the hospital their mum had been whisked off out of sight as soon as the kind ambulance men had unloaded her from the ambulance. Jo and her brother had been told to sit in a corridor. The corridor was sparkling white and appeared to be endless. This is what Jo imagined heaven to look like, sparkling, shiny and seemingly perfect and serene. As Jo and Tommy sat in this serene corridor they were brought back to reality when a plump grumpy looking nurse came plodding over to them.
“Your mum has to stay in hospital, I’ve called your grandparents there coming to get you,” She stated without looking at the children. When Jo heard that dreadful word ‘grandparents’ her head shot up.
“But we can look after ourselves and mum won’t be in hospital long will she,” said an anxious Jo.
“Your only a child yourself we can’t expect you to be responsible for another child. Anyway your mums going to be in here longer than you expect she’s not very well, your grandparents will explain more to you when they get here. Now you need to wait here until your grandparents get here.” Then the grumpy looking nurse plodded away again. Jo did not know what she should do, their mum was too ill to go home and Jo and her brother were going to live with their ‘grandparents.’ Even the word sent a shiver down Jo’s spine.
“What’s wrong with mummy Jo?” asked Tommy.
“She’s alright Tommy, she just needs to stay here a couple of days,” Jo couldn’t tell Tommy that she had no idea what was going on, she had to look after him now especially now they had to live with their grandparents. She knew she wouldn’t find out what was wrong with their mum, she knew that her grandparents wouldn’t tell her and she knew in her heart that the only way she would find out was if she could talk to her mum herself.
As Jo was sat in the corridor thinking to herself a familiar voice came drifting down the corridor. “Tommy! Jo!” screeched a voice Jo wished she hadn’t heard.


6 Comments
Good so far, however here are some typos and such that need looking at:
Everybody else has gone! (maybe here "Everybody's gone" would sound better.)
she couldn’t see her mum anywhere (a comma or semi-colon here perhaps,or a reworking of the sentence) a panic started to slowly arise inside her.
peered inside. Inside there was (repetitive words always jar the reader)
evidence that there (their) mum had been doing laundry.
her mums (mum's) limp foot
Hi its’ (it's) my mummy
the ride to the hospital. When they had arrived at the hospital (perhaps just "when they'd arrived" reads better)
I’ve called your grandparents there (they're) coming to get you
mum won’t be in hospital long will she, (a question mark here)
Hope this helps a bit
Slippers
I liked this, I think you've set up the relationship between Jo and Tommy very well and the story line certainly opens up a whole avenue of possibilities, especially with them having to go to Grandmas!. I did wonder and this is only a thought, whether this story might work a little better in the first person. I think with this type of story it would be so great to be able to get more into Jo's head, sort of in the same vein as Jacqueline Wilson's books and Judy Blume's which are sort of aimed at the same sort of audience. It's only a thought. I know it's annoying when people say things like this. There's nothing wrong with the third person at all though. In fact I mostly use it myself for my children's stories, I just think it might make this all the more hard hitting.
The typos and errors have been mentioned already. The only other thing I saw was at the end, with the use of 'was sat' which I believe is grammatically incorrect. 'Was sitting would be better' or just plain sat.
But this is a good start and it gets into the story quickly and I did warm to the two characters, poor little Tommy.
I hope I haven't offended with this crit because I did enjoy this.
What sort of age range were you thinking with this?
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