The Word Cloud

5 Comments

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  by Joey 1 year ago

  Given my last one was a bit miserable I thought I'd balance it with something more cheerful.
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  by Tony 1 year ago

  I liked this Joey - particularly the first stanza. It flows well, very poetic. I love 'Petals tumble free, like perfumed rain, from a cherry tree' There needs to be that second comma, otherwise it's the rain coming from the cherry tree. Or you could try leaving out both commas.
  I'd leave out the final s in darkness's too, to help the flow. You could just about get away with omitting it in prose, but you could certainly leave it out, with poetic license, in verse.
  In the second stanza I'm not sure about 'living folk'; it makes just as much sense without those words and, to me, reads better. (Zephyr, btw). I think evrything else is lovely, though I do think you might fina abetter way of expressing the last two lines. It's the 'You too' and 'stay alive' that jars slightly with me. You might borrow from the Bible and try 'Seek and you'll find' for the penultimate line.
  Sorry, I didn't intend to say so much. It's a good poem. Write on, Joey.
• 

  by Jason 1 year ago

  That was nice. I actually like how there is no comma after rain, how else could it be perfumed unless it were to fall from a cherry tree? I guess it all depends on what you are trying to say.
  Kind of flowery for my taste, but reminds the reader of all the good things in life. Almost every line brings to mind an image from my own past. Thanks for the time machine.
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  by Joey 1 year ago

  Thanks guys, it's considerably flowerier then I normally write but it just sort of turned up and said "write me or else!"
  
  Thank you Tony I couldn't get my spell check to tell me how to spell zephyr. The two lines you mentioned were ones I'm working on. The last line is a little shaky but I couldn't think how to say it.
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  by Joey 1 year ago

  There I think that works better.