The Word Cloud

6 Comments

• 

  by Tony 7 months ago

  I do like the story you have woven around this photo, and the poem gets it across well.
  
  You have chosen an odd rhythm which I found hard to hear in my head - I wasn't sure how to read the long lines, but apart from that I have a few suggestions.
  
  "In silence she waits" - I guess she's silent, but her surrounding can hardly be so. That tripped me up right at the start. You could stick with it (it might be just me) or you could use 'longing' instead of silence, or perhaps another word.
  
  "Sadness washing over her as the waves on her feet" - It's the 'over her' rhythm that I stumble on. Would you consider, 'Sadness washing her soul as the waves on her feet' ? (This gives a steady rhythm of di-di-da, di-di-da, di-di-da, di-di-da.)
  
  "In her heart she does aches" - What you want to say is, 'In her heart she aches,' but that wouldn't scan. Putting a 'does' in is still correct Englsh, but it always sounds very clunky. You really need to find another way of saying it that does scan, if necesary re-writing the whole line. But in this case there is an easy alternative that you could use, should you choose to: 'In her heart there's an ache,' which says very nearly the same as you wrote.
  
  "fog's heavy sheet' is OK, but perhaps a little prosaic? Would you consider, 'fog's shrouding sheet.' ?
  
  The rest of the lines can also easily be tweaked to follow the regular rhythm you have established in the first half.
  
  "In her hope she longs to be" is quite a different rhythm and length from your first line. As is "Burried in comforting arms, in her place of safty" If you wanted to echo the earlier rhythm you could say:
  
  "In hoping she longs
  For the comforting arms in the place she would be" (If you stick with 'the place of safty' the emphasis would fall on the 'ty' of 'safe-ty', which would not sound natural.)
  
  For in this lies the dream - 'desperate' takes it out of its rhythm and I'm not sure it adds anything, anyway.
  Of a daughter whose father she would never see.
  
  I'm sorry, all the above are just by way of examples to give you ideas as to how you might think about revising the poem, but in your own words, if you felt any of the ideas were an improvement. Obviously you must be true to how you feel it; it's your poem. So do please ignore or use anything, as you wish. And good luck if your enter it in the comp.
  
  Write on, Mythwriter.
• 

  by Mythwriter 7 months ago

  Thanks so much Tony, I always know when something's off, but I can never pick it out. I adjusted when you said and the rhythm goes much better. I went for a 3/6 syllable on the first, third, fifth, and seventh lines, while I went for a 12 syllable rhythm on the other lines. I liked your analogy of the di-di-da, that helped a lot. So here is the updated version.
  
  In longing, she unceasingly waits
  Sadness washing her soul as the waves on her feet
  In her heart, she continually aches
  For the man she had lost in fog’s ever shrouding sheet
  In her hope, she desires to be
  In the comforting arms of a man lost at sea
  For in this, lies the desperate dream
  Of a daughter, whose father she would never see
• 

  by Tony 7 months ago

  To me, this flows so much better than the first. It is much more pleasing to read. Well done.
  
  There is an extra syllable in the fourth line, though; 'ever' should really be just one syllable. You can always change ever to e're, when you need to, but might you go for a double alliterative effect and say, '...lost in fog's foul shrouding sheet' ?
  
  And the fifth line is missing a syllable, to make it the same as the other short lines. You could remedy it by saying, 'In her hope, she's desirous to be', although that may sound a little stilted. You may want to work on that line some more.
  
  (Just a reminder, don't forget it's not only a case of counting syllables, but ensuring the natural emphasis falls on the strong beat in each case. I think you've done that here.)
• 

  by Mythwriter 7 months ago

  Thanks for the help, I will get to work on that tomorrow sometime =)
• 

  by Old Fat Prop 7 months ago

  Reads very well to me. not sure I would change too much as poetry needs to be instictive rather than edited in my novice opinion.
  
  Sad sentiments.
• 

  by Tony 7 months ago

  It's an interesting thougt, that, OFP - a sort of flow of consciousness type of thing? But looking at it from the other pov, as a work of art it desreves to be the very best you can make it. It would be a very arrogant poet who would claim that his work flows from his pen already in its perfect state. We spend hours, days, weeks labouring over our prose to try to ensure it is of the highest quality, why should our poetry be different? Except, possibly, in the case of deliberatley writing 'straight form the heart', 'warts and all' with no intention of it being great poetry, but being 'true to yourself'. I woud suggest that there would be no place for that sort of writing in a standard poetry competition. Acclaimed verse that might appear to be 'off the cuff' I woiuld imagine has been very carefully honed, revised and edited, just like the well-rehearsed ad libs of the professional commedian.